DS friend constantly here, doesn't seem to have any awareness of boundaries. What do I do?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Ds is 12, met this kid ("Bob") about a year ago at a local park. Turns out they live quite close and hit it off. Then ds got fed up with Bob as he kept coming round ALL THE TIME and started hiding from him and avoiding him.

Somehow ds got over that, and now Bob is round our house ALL THE TIME. He makes me feel uncomfortable then I feel like a bitch for feeling that way. I am sure Bob is a lovely boy and is very helpful but frankly his behaviour is starting to drive me insane. examples. The doorbell rings, Bob jumps up to answer. I say no, don't answer, I'm going, Bob answers the door anyway. Why would this kid be answering the door to my home? Ggggrrrrr. I tell Bob it's time to go home. 10 minutes later he's still there. I always have to tell him several times. When ds goes out, Bob doesn't! He just stays. I have to call ds back and tell him to take his bloody friend away with him.

I was just out. I know ds is out. I call home to talk to other ds. Bob answers. So ds has gone out, Bob has stayed and is watching TV, and is even answering my phone.

I have spoken to ds, and how I need Bob to go when he does, how Bob has to go home when told,. I have spoken to both of them, but now I am still faced with talking to this bloody kid yet again. He's now lying on my fucking sofa ffs.

It is like having a creepy leechy extra kid. I am always having to tell him off. e.g. I couldn't find my mobile, so rang it. He was right next to me, and at the same time we could hear it was in my handbag. Despite me being right there, Bob starts rummaging in my handbag.

It's just too much and I have spoken to them both numerous times. I feel like a bitch but I am sick to death of this bloody ever present cuckoo in my nest .

So talking hasn't worked. WDID?

Move?

Have you spoken to his parents? Let them know that you'd prefer to prearrange his visits as you have a busy few weeks coming up, and then just be busy when they call?
I don't know, sounds like a nightmare.

Bob will be ready to move in if you're not careful. Speaking to his parents is a good idea. I'd also go out for a lot of trips so there's no one in the house.

Well, in the first instance, you need to take it as a compliment that he feels so much at home in your house that he feels he can do all those things

BUT, I think you need to have a chat with his parents.

How old is he?

You also need to be clear about your own boundaries and not expect him to pick up hints.
So you say 'don't answer my door. Don't ever do that. That is inappropriate and if you do it again I won't let you visit.'

When you tell him to go home don't tell your son off if he doesn't. Say 'bob, I have told you it is time to go. Come on' and open the door.

It is bloody awkward but he is taking the piss because you are tolerating his behaviour then hissing at your son to sort it out.

How did you react when he went into your handbag? Was it 'ffs get your hands out of my handbag. What on earth do you think you are doing!' if it wasn't then there is your answer.

He is 12. Both boys 12 nearly 13.

Ds asked if he could come on our summer holiday with us. 3 weeks. (faints)

I said no.

At the weekend he was round. It was lunch time. We sent him home. After lunch he pops up. He had been sat in our garden the whole time, unbeknownst to me.

I have spoken a few times also to dh about it. Finally, after that incident he said he sees what I mean and also said he finds him creepy. There's just something - creepy about him!

I have told him loud and clear it's time to go. I told him off for going in my handbag. I told him off for answering the door.

I am constantly teöling him off. I have 4 kids of my own, and feel like enough of a nag as it is. I don't want to have to constantly speak to him. But I do.

Am going to try 1 last time, then what - ban him?

Do you know if 'Bob' has issues at home and actually feels as if your house is some sort of safe haven?

Ah, I was wondering if he had a bit of a crush on you! Maybe had he been older. I faced this last year

Oh lord. I don't like describing a child as creepy.

It sou ds as if he no idea about social clues and norms which is incredibly sad.

I understand why you struggle with him but I would see how he copes with really clear categoric instructions before I started trying to ease him out iyswim.
It is difficult.

Personally I would explain that as he constantly disregards your reasonable requests he is banned from your house and not welcome. He has broken your trust by ignoring you. Effective immediately. He can come back when he has earned the right and not before. Anyone found letting him in will be in trouble.

I could not tolerate someone in my house who ignored me, and showed no respect for being a guest.

Ok x-posted.

Yes. I would ban him as a consequence in a 'i told you to go home and you didn't. Don't come around tomorrow - I won't let you in'

It is incredibly difficult for you.

I think the boy employs selective hearing at best and is manipulative at worst. Either way, what is it teaching your kids that this is tolerated without consequences.

You are the adult, he is the child. You are also responsible for him while he is in your house so he needs to respect your requests, for both those reasons it is completely unacceptable that he ignores you!

I wouldn't let my own children get away with this, so any self-invited guest would certainly get short shrift over it.

Your authority is being undermined on a constant basis and thus so is the respect he and your own DC have for you. Intolerable.

Even if he has home issues which make this behaviour understandable it needs nipping in the bud, you don't have to be nasty just firm.

Your house rules cannot be trampled over, as what does that teach anyone?

Our near neighbours are a bit like that, I don't let them in the house except under exceptional circumstances. Even so the 7yr old let himself in a few weeks ago to ask if he could clean our car. Whenever we come home they come up and ask us where we have been and what we have been doing.

On one level I know they don't have many boundaries at home and are left to play in the road all day, but on another level I feel they overstep the mark. In my dealings I have found that the only way to deal with them is to have super firm boundaries. If you do x again then y will happen. So if you don't go now then you can't come back tomorrow. Now my dealings with them, other than being questioned etc are only if I am doing a specific favour for their mother, and even those I tend to limit where possible.

I'm wondering if there's a reason he doesn't want to go home....I know he could well be an utter nuisance for no good reason, but is there any sign (other than being there all the live long day) that makes you think there might be an unhappy home situation?

That said, you wouldn't be out of order to bar him regardless. He is intruding on your home life and is clearly not welcome. I don't know what else you could do now tbh.

I feel sorry for him as I suspect he hasn't been shown/told at home how to behave properly. Do you know his parent(s)? It is a PITA for you though.

I think you need to get his parents on board, but if for some reason that doesn't work, perhaps tell him again that he mustn't do whatever it is, he must leave now and he is banned for however long.

He does sound creepy, but maybe there are other issues going on. If he spends that much time at yours why in the world are you not in touch with the parents,. They may be able to shed some light. He sounds like hard work,and not to scare monger but if he wont listen to you . You need to think about your other kids especially if they are younger as he is in your house when you don't know.

After knowing the kid for a long time, I got to know the parents. They do seem very nice and friendly, but also a bit strange.

I did have a similar problem with his mum once in fact. I had an emergency when dh was away, and she, with no notice rushed round to mind my other dc while I took 1 to hospital. I was so grateful. Anyway, I came back close to lunch time and I had promised to take the dc to a restaurant (ok, ok, McDonalds!) for lunch (cos I couldn't be arced to cook, ). I sid how grateful I was etc etc and I also made it clear I was taking them out to eat, but she just would not go. I really felt awkward, as she had helped me out so much, I couldn't just say thanks, now go away, but it was really getting late. Eventually one of her kids phoned and I could tell they were asking when she would be back for lunch. Phew, thought I, now she'll go, but no - she told them there was a packet of sausages in the freezer!

I felt awful as she had helped me out so much, it was difficult for me to ask her to leave. I can see where he gets it from. I don't think there are any family problems, though I was at a school fair for ds3 and yes, Bob was there at my 3rd sons class summer party (wtf! why would a almost 13 year old tag along to that?!) and teacher asked me if he was from the Bobbit family, as she knew his brothers and he was the spitting image. She seemd to say it in a knowing way, but I don't know if I could just ask her if there was a back story to this. I doubt she would say anything.

Anyway, I'm at least reassured people seem to agree his behaviour is not on, cos I feel v stressed by it, and it makes me feel like such a bitch, but he is here too much now I just want to scream.

Ban Him! Don't need to be nasty but his behaviour is really really not on!

I wondered, until you mentioned his mum, whether he's actually locked out of the house in the daytime, so he literally has nowhere to go.

Your husband needs to step in when he's home. I think Bob would be a bit more careful around him.

You need to be absolutely clear in your instructions, as Pagwatch says. Speak really clear and loudly. "Don't do that." "It's time for you to go home now." etc.

I'd be infuriated with him, tbh, especially going in your handbag.

I don't know for sure, but I doubt he's locked out, as most people here leave their doors on the latch so the kids can come and go, and he def. has a door key too.

In fact last week I was upstairs and the doorbell rang. Before I'd got half way down the stairs he just pushed the door open and came in. I was v. pissed off about that. I could've been in the shower or anything.

At the weekend dh (who is not at all unclear in anyway) had to tell him 3 times to leave. It was then that he finally saw what I meant, cos I've mentioned the problem to him a few times and he has thought I am over reacting or exaggerating or being not firm enough or unclear, and only when he got to experience it first hand did he see what I mean.

I think often his annoying behaviour is meant with good intentions - getting the door because he genuinely thinks he's being helpful, same with phone in bag or whatever, he just doesn't seem to understand he is a guest and that he actually has to go home too.

He doesn't even go to my ds school. Why did he have to become best friends with him? I don't get it tbh.

Am so looking forward to the summer holidays, when he can be here all day every day instead of just every afternoon/evening.

You have to be firmer. Stand over him when it is time to go. Stand there and say right Bob, time to go now. Off you go, shoes on. Come on...

and just guide him to the door. None of this '10 minutes later' stuff. When it's time to go - go.

And when the doorbell goes, a firm NO. This is not your house. You do not do that. If you answer that door - you go straight home.

And don't let him be there all the time. Feel free to send him away, telling him that it's not possible for him to come in and play today. And don't get into discussions about why.

You can do all this in a nice way. Nice but firm.

I will be having a talk with him today.

As I said, aside from his behaviour being annoying, I'm just sick of endlessly talking to him or reprimanding or giving instructions or whatever. I have 4 kids of my own. I don't want to have to be always on at someone else's kid too.

And his behaviour is so annoying, actually, it is every time I see him I have to say something to him.

Dh says I should sit down and talk to him and ds together. Is this the best way? (He offered to do it with me but he's never usually here.)

Oh, and you certainly send him away if he has let himself in. Letting himself in = no playing that day

Yes sit down and talk to them both- lay down the law and tell him that he comes around with your rules -which are......... Be a dragon!