DS friend constantly here, doesn't seem to have any awareness of boundaries. What do I do?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Ds is 12, met this kid ("Bob") about a year ago at a local park. Turns out they live quite close and hit it off. Then ds got fed up with Bob as he kept coming round ALL THE TIME and started hiding from him and avoiding him.

Somehow ds got over that, and now Bob is round our house ALL THE TIME. He makes me feel uncomfortable then I feel like a bitch for feeling that way. I am sure Bob is a lovely boy and is very helpful but frankly his behaviour is starting to drive me insane. examples. The doorbell rings, Bob jumps up to answer. I say no, don't answer, I'm going, Bob answers the door anyway. Why would this kid be answering the door to my home? Ggggrrrrr. I tell Bob it's time to go home. 10 minutes later he's still there. I always have to tell him several times. When ds goes out, Bob doesn't! He just stays. I have to call ds back and tell him to take his bloody friend away with him.

I was just out. I know ds is out. I call home to talk to other ds. Bob answers. So ds has gone out, Bob has stayed and is watching TV, and is even answering my phone.

I have spoken to ds, and how I need Bob to go when he does, how Bob has to go home when told,. I have spoken to both of them, but now I am still faced with talking to this bloody kid yet again. He's now lying on my fucking sofa ffs.

It is like having a creepy leechy extra kid. I am always having to tell him off. e.g. I couldn't find my mobile, so rang it. He was right next to me, and at the same time we could hear it was in my handbag. Despite me being right there, Bob starts rummaging in my handbag.

It's just too much and I have spoken to them both numerous times. I feel like a bitch but I am sick to death of this bloody ever present cuckoo in my nest .

So talking hasn't worked. WDID?

Can't your ds and Bob just go out?

Wanted to clarify re the going home - I'M not such a wimp. Often they are outside on the trampoline which you can't see from the kitchen. I'm getting dinner ready, tell him to go, my ds to come in, he doesn't go. I can't control my 4 kids, get dinner cooked dished and served and be running out half a dozen times to tell him again to go. Yesterday I literally got on the trampoline and told him to go. The gate was locked, so instead of getting ds to open it, or to go round the wide open drive way the climbed over the fence. So I want to scream ffs don't climb over the offing fence, you'll bust it (just a stupid wire thing), walk round or get ds to open the gate. It is every single thing.

OK, wish me luck of this afternoon.

Good luck!

Good luck! :)

Good luck, OP!

Am so stressed about this now. So, talk to the 2 boys together, then if no improvement just ban him or speak to the mum, or speak to the mum anyway?

Gah. Thank goodness we are going away for 3 weeks. And no, ds1, he is not coming.

This is one of the hardest things I ever faced as a parent. My daughters friend is like this. She just WON'T FUCKING WELL GO HOME even when I'm really clear and bossy she sits outside on the pavement I know she isn't happy at home though but I just simply do not have the emotional headspace to deal with her all the time. I don't have any answers though so I hope you get some that I can steal

Sounds like even hearing him breathe is going to set your teeth on edge

Will the 3 weeks away start the clock? Or is he just going to spend 3 weeks climbing over your fence and playing in your garden?

OK, so he avoided me yesterday, but he has just arrived so I sat him and ds down and told him I needed to explain some rules, went down the list of irritations (I wrote it down so I didn't forget) and just read it out quite matter of fact, asked if there was anything there he wasn't clear about, and told him I expected this to be adhered to.

So we'll see. Thanks for tips and support.

Well done!

Hope it works!

Hope it works op!

Fingers crossed! If the penny drops, you will have probably done him the greatest favour of his whole life!

Good Luck OP & I too hope it works -

I did wonder if he has any SN as from your OP he seems pretty clueless on the social stuff & sounds as if he needs things spelling out for him - hopefully this will now work for you - but maybe you should think about reiterating those rules to him as regards you being away for 3 weeks - make sure he understands you are away, so he has to STAY AWAY - maybe even let his parents know too.

& fingers crossed this works for you first shot at it, but if not get TOUGH - if my friends experience is anything to go by, you may need to

She had pretty much the same scenario with her own DS & his friend, started at the same sort of age too - she recently had to get the Police to move said friend out of their family home - her DS left home 4 years ago - his friend moved in for a while as a favour & never moved out - had to be forced out after being asked so many times & doing nothing - they even moved him into there garage at one point & gave him 2 months to find something else - he liked it in there so stayed put.

My friend has been to hell & back over this - she's normally a very tough, feisty take no shite sort of woman, but something about knowing this 20 odd yr old lazy scrounger since he was a young boy made it very hard to be as tough as she normally is, which has invited what became known as "the other Son" to take advantage of their generosity for YEARS & YEARS

I hope things get better.

Police years and years

It does feel like he is my 'other son'.

I also wonder about SN; I know he does have ADHD, but so do my 3 boys, and they dot act like this, the lack of awareness and boundaries seems to be something different. I have Had convo with his mum and she told me about the ADHD and I am sure would have said if there was any other dx. I wouldn't be surprised if there were other problems, but it's not my place to say, and I have enough with my 4 to deal with.

Anyway, they are off out now, and later I am going to the school fair with dc, so we'll see if he turns up with my ds to that.

OK, if anyone is interested, we have not got off to a good start.

All was explained, very very clearly. The 2 boys did go out for a while, but basically, he was here from 12 till 6, when we were supposed to go to the school fair. I told him he had to go home. Ds asked if Bob could come with us. I said no, he doesn't go to the school and I want us to go together, and it's 6 o'clock. he needs to go home!. Bob left.

i then tell ds he is not helping the situation at all, I have explained how trying I am finding this, and in front of Bob, he is asking me if Bob can sleep over on Friday night, he again asks if Bob can come on holiday with us, and he asks if Bob can come with us to his school fair. I find it a bit embarrassing to constantly have to refuse these half made invitations, in front of him fgs.

While I was still getting other dc shoes on etc, Bob comes back. I want to kill him. He doesn't come in though. Ds calls he is going off ahead to the school. I get to the school and lo and behold, Bob is there. I cannot believe him. I then tell them both I had made myself very clear and as a result, Bob was banned from our house. Bob wandered off half way through me speaking.

Ds is now really pissed off with me. He no longer sees any of his other friends and I am also concerned he is cutting himself off and putting all his eggs in the one (imo weird) basket.

Not sure where to go from here.

This is something my son would do, he has asd though but most people wouldn't guess it, they would just think he acts really weird. Are you certain there are no SN?

Just noticed you had already mentioned ADHD but you aren't sure of any other eg asd. Perhaps remind him of your 'house rules' so he has clear instructions that the door doesn't get answered by anyone other than you, he needs to leave when DS does, and give him a 10 minute warning before he has to leave to prepare him?

I think it will do your ds good to have another friend over, a bit of a break and a reminder of normal interaction, may let him see that close type of relationship is not healthy. Your ds did react as you would expect.to begin with and through being worn down this friendship has become normal now to him.

Change is always hard to accept, your ds obviously doesn't feel your pain like you do. I am sure your DS will adjust and in time will look back with hindsight and see what it was all about.

You need to ask your DS if his friend Bob is asking him to go on holiday, go to school , etc etc , he may be pressing your boy to do all these things and your boy may not be able to say no to him. You are having a terrible time coping with Bob , maybe your son is too.

I think Bob needs phased out a lot bit.

I would be totally at the end of my tether with this, and would have to put a stop to it.
You need to speak to his mum, and tell her exactly what you've just told us...though kindly.
Tell her about Bob turning up at the school, and refusing to go home when asked, and your son's requests for him to come along on holiday, and how you are now starting to find it rather intrusive.
She will be embarrassed, but you need her on board....if you do not do this, you will end up being nasty to him out of sheer frustration and creeped-outiness. Let his mother deal with him.

Worlds also must be had with your son too. Firm, strong ones...where you tell him you do not want a fifth child, and Bob is not welcome in your home day in day out to get under your feet, and that it is making you start to dislike him. Tell the truth.

Lastly...are you worried that Bob is putting pressure on your son at all, or is it six of one and half a dozen of the other?

I have told ds loud and clear how I do not want Bob round here all the time, how I am finding him really hard work, how I do not want another child. My other children are all younger, inc a 4 year old. Bob has an 18 yr old and 16 yr old brother, it must be brilliant for his mum - no one to look after, and there's me with my own 4 plus him!

It hadn't occurred to me that Bob might be pressuring him. I am very sure this is not at all the case but will discuss with him.

Ds was really angry with me for banning him and says he will then just go to Bob's house instead. I just want Bob gone. It's imo really unhealthy that he never sees any other friends now. How do I get rid of Bob? Or at least get much more balance back into things. If I ban Bob, I risk my ds going off. I am happy for him to have friends here. I am also ok with friends coming every day. I usually have loads of various kids here. It's just the others will stay for a couple of hours and THEN GO HOME - without being told even and they act like kids in someone else's house would, and there's loads of different ones. With ds1 it is only, and always Bob.

The times you are not away, put your energy into being busy so Bob has to find something else. Days out family or pre arranged friends only no Bob, new rules eg Wed and Sun family only days. Invite people over, new rule NO friends over when you have visitors.