DS friend constantly here, doesn't seem to have any awareness of boundaries. What do I do?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Ds is 12, met this kid ("Bob") about a year ago at a local park. Turns out they live quite close and hit it off. Then ds got fed up with Bob as he kept coming round ALL THE TIME and started hiding from him and avoiding him.

Somehow ds got over that, and now Bob is round our house ALL THE TIME. He makes me feel uncomfortable then I feel like a bitch for feeling that way. I am sure Bob is a lovely boy and is very helpful but frankly his behaviour is starting to drive me insane. examples. The doorbell rings, Bob jumps up to answer. I say no, don't answer, I'm going, Bob answers the door anyway. Why would this kid be answering the door to my home? Ggggrrrrr. I tell Bob it's time to go home. 10 minutes later he's still there. I always have to tell him several times. When ds goes out, Bob doesn't! He just stays. I have to call ds back and tell him to take his bloody friend away with him.

I was just out. I know ds is out. I call home to talk to other ds. Bob answers. So ds has gone out, Bob has stayed and is watching TV, and is even answering my phone.

I have spoken to ds, and how I need Bob to go when he does, how Bob has to go home when told,. I have spoken to both of them, but now I am still faced with talking to this bloody kid yet again. He's now lying on my fucking sofa ffs.

It is like having a creepy leechy extra kid. I am always having to tell him off. e.g. I couldn't find my mobile, so rang it. He was right next to me, and at the same time we could hear it was in my handbag. Despite me being right there, Bob starts rummaging in my handbag.

It's just too much and I have spoken to them both numerous times. I feel like a bitch but I am sick to death of this bloody ever present cuckoo in my nest .

So talking hasn't worked. WDID?

I was thinking ASD too. DS2 has it and he doesn't always get things.

Still you aren't his parents though and they should realise he's spending too much time at yours? If either of my dss were missing all that time I'd be worried. He's only 12.

I hope you can sort this out. I also wonder if he's been asking your ds about holiday etc.. as ds2 has a friend who gets him to ask for stuff, sleepovers etc.
Luckily dss share a room so I have no space. Well I could let him stay on the fold out bed but I can't be arsed

Wow.

Keep us updated about Bob:)

I had a friend like this...she had a very unhappy home life. My parents ended up giving her her own room. She's still my friend thirty years later.

The little boy (8) next door to us is like this. He's a genius. For real. He speaks Russian and French, in addition to English and keeps coming to ask if my youngest has learned square roots yet (he's 5). He waits for us on the driveway, rings the doorbell incessantly (when told to bugger off we're busy, he keeps ringing to ask "questions"). I think despite being a clever (and very sweet) little boy, he has no idea about social norms and respecting people's boundaries. His parents are perfectly nice and I'm sure there's no trouble at home; I think it's more a case of their not being able to amuse him so they leave him to his own devices. He can often be found in our driveway doing science experiments or between our two houses trying to build/invent things . DH has actually reached the point of gruffly and explicitly laying out the "rules" of our household but he still doesn't get it.

Don't have any practical ideas, I'm afraid. Just to say that you're not alone. It certainly does make life colourful and we always have funny stories to tell friends and family about our extra "child". I've grown rather fond of him, actually, and my DSs worship him.

tough - you feel sorry for him?
You're more than welcome.....

Ds says Bob isn't asking for the holidays and invites.

I honestly don't think for a minute he has a bad or troubled home life. I get the impression his family is very loving, but rather - erm - lax. If my ds were missing for literally 6 - 10 hours, and wasn't home at meal times I would be on the phone getting him back. And I would also be concerned he was invading the other family. But clearly no such concerns.

Bob also tends to get pretty physical which annoys me, e.g. on the trampoline he always roughly barges into ds or does flying through the air kicks and wrestles him to the ground. It's rough, and dangerous and too physical. I have to tell them each time they get on, no kicking etc. I'm tired of it.

Since I started this thread I have really become aware that now my ds doesn't do anything without Bob, and that concerns me a lot. e.g. last night, when I said Bob couldn't come to the school fair, ds then went home by himself. I came a bit later with my other young 2 dc, but ds2 stayed till 9.30, and had a brilliant time. Before, that would have been ds1, he was always going to everything going on, every school disco etc. I was shocked and really a bit concerned he didn't stay, and preferred to sit all alone at home.

meant to say, I haven't heard of that film, or seen it. Sounds like I should avoid?

Any Bob update, op? It sounds really stressful for you, hope things have improved a bit.

I can understand that you don't want DS1 only sociliasing with Bob, but why would it be a bad thing if DS1 went around to Bob's as he has 'threatened'? If DS1 listens to your boundaries, you could probably tell him to be back by a certain time or whatever more easily than is happening with Bob.

Can you arrange a treat with another parent for DS1 eg offer todrop him and another friend off at the cinema if other parent does pick up, bribe with money for popcorn?

ok, Bob update, things have improved a lot.

I was really pleased, cos ds was really angry at the ban, but then the next day a school friend phoned ds up and asked if he could come round, which he did, and they had a great time. (Ds hasn't socialised with any of his school friends for weeks) Bob called shortly after friend arrived and I said he would call him later. 2 minutes later the phone goes again - Bob again, and said he thought ds would answer it this time! He phones 7 or so times over and over again till I want to scream HE WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN HE CAN!!!!!! stop bloody phoning!

Something I didn't mention earlier - Bob's family is also english (we live in Germany case that's not clear). Another problem with Bob always being here is that it means ds and also all my other dc only speak english or watch english tv etc. WHen a german kid come, they all speak German and watch German tv. It's really important my kids speak as much German as possible, and in fact, ds just brought home his report, and he got a D in German which dh was v. upset about, so more reason to keep Bob limited. (Bob has lived here all his life I think, and speaks a lot of German normally) we have only lived here for 4 years, so ds and the other dc really do still need to work at it as they only learn german at school or by spending time with german speakers - we never speak it at home, so contact with other friends is for this reason also v imp. I should say, my dc german is v. good, lots of their new teachers at first didn't realise they are bilingual. They have picked up the language amazingly, but they still have a lot to learn and need german time more than english iyswim

Fab news your DS spent time with someone else and enjoyed it! That might make him more open minded about other friends and remind him it isn't all about Bob! good stuff. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Don't know how you kept your patience with the 7 phone calls!

I had a friend like this growing up tho slightly more awareness of boundaries when in my house but it was because she was being virtually neglected at home and suffering emotional abuse. Do you think this could be the case with Bob, or maybe he has ASD hence the lack of boundary issues. Definitely need to talk to his parents or maybe some gentle subtle questioning of Bob about his home life, maybe it's a cry for help?

You've got me feeling guilty and worried now. I don't want to put up with a pain for no reason, and having him here is not helpful for the whole family language wise, but I wouldn't want to turn a child in need away if he was unhappy at home. Apart from his annoying behavior there is nothing to indicate an unhappy or abusive home, certainly not as much parental input as even I prefer ( c

From what you've described it sounds much more that Bob has some issues of his own going on (quite possibly SN), than an unhappy home. Calling seven times to see if someone else would answer the phone?? That's just plain weird. I can't think of anyone I know who you do that.

In your position, I think I would go and have a chat with the mother. Say that you're finding it really hard just keeping track of your four and you really don't want another child practically living at your house. She may not realise just how much time Bob is spending in your home - she may assume he's seeing other friends too.

Let's hope the three weeks apart makes your DS1 realise there's more to life than Bob!

Well I wouldn't worry over much. You said his Mum behaved very similarly when she came round to do you that favour. Sounds like they just see it as normal.

My Mum is utterly tactless, I was the same for years until I realised the problem, as time went on and the centre of my world was no longer my parents, and modified myself so the rest of the world didn't hate me for being like my Mum (bless her soul)!

It does sound like maybe you need to speak to Bobs Mum now.

I think after the 3rd phonecall I would have told him quite clearly that if he phoned again then he would be banned from your house for a week.