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Ex and big secret

68 replies

Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 13:00

This will be long but I'm quite upset and really don't know what to do at all.

When I was 18 I met a guy and we dated for about 9 months, we broke up pretty amicably, I had just started my nursing degree when we split.

A few weeks later I realised I was pregnant, there was no easy way to contact him as it was pre mobiles etc and he lived in a different city.

Anyway i decided to have an abortion, it was pretty early on so just took tablets at clinic and that was that really, I told no one, only my college lecturer who helped with appointment etc.
I pretty much just buried it really deep and pretended it had never happened, never thought about it etc. Never saw the ex boyfriend again.

I met my partner a few years later, 12 years on and two kids later we are very happy, I have never disclosed I had the abortion.

Anyway last week my toddler was playing with the tv remote and went to a channel I would never have on and there was the ex boyfriend, seems to be a show he is regularly on. I just stood looking and thought I was going to get sick, the thought that I had an abortion, god I can't believe what i did.

I decided to send him a message on Facebook and say hi, all very friendly, he was delighted to hear from me, had a lovely chat & a catch up.

I really want to tell him what i did, he is doing, let's say an unusual job, one in which I guess he maybe brings people comfort and I want him to forgive me and do the same for me, his job is something people would be sceptical about probably but I wonder would there be any information he could pass on to me, sorry I know this sounds mad and cryptic.

DP knows I saw ex on TV but not that we have been in touch, I have never ever kept any thing from him except for the abortion he is my absolute soul mate.

Sooooooo what to do, my head is wrecked and I feel really down just feel like I have secrets from everyone.

Should I tell ex? Should I tell DP? Tell both? Neither?

Regular, so hoping to feck name change has worked.

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3littlefrogs · 19/05/2012 13:04

TBH I think you should leave it in the past.

What do you hope to gain by telling him?

I think you need to think very carefully about the effect on everyone if you tell him. Not just you, but your DH, your DC, your ex, his family - the repercussions are potentially enormous, and you can never put the genie back in the bottle.

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realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 19/05/2012 13:04

Only you can decide what to do, but personally I think you should tell your dp, and then tell your ex. It sounds like deep down you really want/need to, and it's obvious you don't like keeping secrets from dp. Hope it all goes well. X

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3littlefrogs · 19/05/2012 13:04

Maybe counselling would be a better option.

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maristella · 19/05/2012 13:05

I think you need to stop beating yourself up, you did what was right for you at that time.

I don't think anything can be gained from telling your ex. I do understand the need to do that though. I told my ex, in truth because I wanted him to stop treating me the way he was and to understand that his actions caused me pain.

Regarding telling your DP, what would you want to achieve? If it is to be understood, and to have someone to talk to about it, then go for it if you feel he can be the person you need to talk to.

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savoycabbage · 19/05/2012 13:06

I too think you should leave it. You should have not kept it from your dp about the Facebook contact. He and your ds are your priorities now. Enjoy them.

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Pinner35 · 19/05/2012 13:07

I wouldn't say anything to either of them. I can't see how anything positive will come of it. Agree counselling might be a better option for you. Good luck, whatever you decide.

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hiveofbees · 19/05/2012 13:11

You sound like you are getting your ex's job muddled up with him, IYSWIM.
It sounds like how he as an individual would react to this news about his ex having got pregnant with his child and had an abortion might be different to how he would in his day job if someone he didnt know had had an abortion.

Is there anything to be gained from telling anyone?

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Nagoo · 19/05/2012 13:23

I wouldn't tell him.

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Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 13:25

I really don't want to hurt anyone, for the few years after it I had a rough time, slept around, was pretty silly, thankfully I completed my studies.

Ex's job is really his life as well, it's sort of something you believe or not, spirits and beyond etc. Not a priest or anything though.

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cutegorilla · 19/05/2012 13:26

I wouldn't tell the ex. I would tell your DP if it's upsetting you. He's the one you should be turning to for support, not the ex.

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nkf · 19/05/2012 13:29

Why are you doing this? Forgive yourself and leave Facebook alone.

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Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 13:31

Thank you for all the comments was hoping you would all knock some sense into me as feeling like a stupid 18 year old again at the minute and not a woman in her 30's.

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FashionEaster · 19/05/2012 13:34

Leave it alone, stop punishing yourself and seize on the life you do have.

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pumpkinsweetie · 19/05/2012 13:35

There is nothing good to be gained from this, please forgive yourself op

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Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 13:42

I was just kinda hoping that he would know if there was a spirit around me and if they forgave me.

Feck, think I shall take the counselling advice as now in tears so silly.

Thanks all.

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hiveofbees · 19/05/2012 14:09

Would he be the right person to ask that though?

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Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 14:30

This is making me sound totally mental, I am reading it back and my sensible head is thinking what the actual fuck is wrong with you.

Ex is a spiritualist medium/psychic.
I think if I has found out he was a plumber I would not be thinking about telling him, he has spirit guides and i wonder maybe if one is the baby I didn't have, oh god I'm cringing writing this, its crazy isn't it.

[phones local psych unit, where I work as I really have lost it]

Ok writing this has helped as I am kind of laughing at my craziness and not crying, that's a start right.

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SchrodingersMew · 19/05/2012 14:40

It's not John Edwards is it? :o

Don't worry, you have put it in your past so leave it there. There would be no point telling him now.

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hiveofbees · 19/05/2012 14:41

Do you believe that it is possible to be a medium? If he genuinely was, wouldnt he already know about this?

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TheMonster · 19/05/2012 14:44

YOu have nothing to gain by telling him. WHat if he is angry and doesn't forgive you?
Focus on what you have now, not what you did in the past, or could have had.

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pumpkinsweetie · 19/05/2012 14:45

Exactly Hiveofbees- op your ex would already know if he was a great medium

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AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 14:48

What hiveofbees and pumpkin said.

Dont beat yourself up about it, you did what was right for you at the time.

Keep schtum.

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MirandaGoshawk · 19/05/2012 14:51

No, don't tell him.

But you need to tell someone else - a disinterested professional counsellor who can sort out your feelings of guilt and help you put this in perspective.

You have a happy relationship and you've not been yearning for ex-p. You should leave him in the past really, unless you can be 'friends' without involving this 'history' very difficult and risk upsetting the applecart with your DH. Maybe after you've had counselling you might decide to tell your DH, depending on how you think he'll react.

But at the moment you want to spill the beans and be forgiven for your actions, and it isn't fair for you to put this on either of them.

FWIW I think you must look at it that you took the best decision for yourself at the time and it's been the right decision. No guilt required, no changes to be made.

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Fromthepastupset · 19/05/2012 15:17

Snigger at John Edwards, though could be worse imagine it was Derrick Accora, lol.
I am not a "woo" person at all, but yes if he was indeed an actual medium then he would already know.
Thank you all so much, whew this is better than counselling.

I feel better now, think I will just bury this one again, despite all this madness it was lovely chatting to ex and I'm glad he has found happiness and his path in life as he was a troubled guy back then. We have both been lucky in our lifes.

Think I will tell DP that we have exchanged a few messages and just leave it at that.

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AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 15:32

Snigger at John Edwards, though could be worse imagine it was Derrick Accora, lol

I was going to mention him but didnt want to be too cheeky!

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