The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying
of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish
they'd make their minds up.
John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was
a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that
I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money m ade by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars
make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When
they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd
just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his
wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to
reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to
be
a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate
Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied
I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing
board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless
remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist
or both.
Alan Thakray
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Pe rhaps they
should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim
cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it
at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again,
it's one
law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told
the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies f or hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers
include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t
quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
their
splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My
dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J