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Original poster

Would one of you draft an email for me? I can't do it without being bitter

58 replies

Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 09:04

For my birthday I have invited 10 people to a weekend away. I hate people having to spend money in order to celebrate your event so dh and I kept the numbers really really low so that we could fund most of it but so that it would be a treat.

So we are paying for hotel and spa, dinner and breakfast. The hotel is very expensive as is the day at the attached spa. I was also intending to but drinks
The invitation explains clearly that the only things guests would have to pay for is lunch (which can obviously just be a salad or sandwich as we have big dinner paid for and booked) and any spa treatment.

So, my mother kept telling my sister (also invited) that she would like a treatment but didn't know how to book it. So sister phoned me and I phoned my mother. Quite why she couldn't phone me in the first place escapes me but hey...
I talked her through the treatments, explained that she doesn't have to have one but it is up to her. I reminded her that I had sent her a full treatment list and if she was worried about booking she could call me. I spoke to her for half an hour. She promised to call me back.

Instead, on my birthday, I get an email from my sister saying that 'mum asked me to book a facial so I have booked it for her. Will you go halves with me to pay for it'

I am really struggling to find a way to reply that doesn't include 'oh for fucks sake.' and 'so the only things you have to pay for are food and treatments but you want me to pay for treatments'

Draft something tactful would you? I will send the best one.
Dh is paying everything possible in advance so that I didn't have to get involved in that but I suppose I should give my sister a cheque?

OP posts:
LittlePebble · 09/11/2011 09:51

pagwatch if your nice sister is stuck in the middle can you email her back to say that you can't go halves on your mums treatment as you are already paying for everything else, then it leaves it up to her to pay for your mum if she wants to, or means your mum will have to come and directly ask you if she wants you to pay for her treatment (which hopefully she'll feel too cheeky to do!)
I wouldn't pay for it on principle it's YOUR birthday they should be paying for you to have a treatment not the other way round!
Happy birthday x

Mackrelmint · 09/11/2011 09:51

If Sister is stuck in the middle, then I would just email her back saying simply, "Thanks for booking the facial. Don't worry about the payment; I'll call Mum and sort it out."

I would then call your Mum and say; "Sister tells me you've booked a facial for my birthday weekend. That sounds great. I just wanted to check you knew that you had to call to pay in advance/pay on the day (whatever the payment terms are?) so that you can sort that out/make sure you have the right amount of cash on you. [Here is the phone number to call and pay etc. if appropriate]"

If she says, "oh, I have to pay for it do I? I'm not sure I want it" or somesuch, then I'd say, "ok, well let me know and I can cancel it"

If she says, "oh, I thought that was all paid for", then I'd calmly state what you originally told everyone and say, "No, I'm sorry, we've decided to spend a lot on treating everyone to a nice hotel and dinner, but we can't include everyone's drinks and spa treatments. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear initially; I did try to explain that to everyone"

I feel quite sad that she has done this to you in such an underhand way when you have arranged such a lovely sounding treat for everyone. I do get what everyone's saying about just paying to keep the peace, and you'll know best whether that's worth it, but I wouldn't be able to do that and not remain feeling bitter and frustrated about it.

BlueRedGreen · 09/11/2011 09:55

TidyDancer's is excellent, go with that - or alternatively, you could say to your sister that you'd be happy to share the cost, and add 'that's mum's Christmas present dealt with nice and early!'.

Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 10:03

Thanks for your responses.

I am going to send something when I get home so I will mull over the suggestions. But it has made me realise that I am getting upset about the way this keeps turning out.
I have to accept that my family do see me as a free ride and maybe I have contributed to that by wanting to be generous, and wanting to help and not nipping it earlier.

When it was my mums birthday the year after dad died I asked her how she wanted to celebrate. I knew it must be difficult to try and do a birthday without him. She said she wanted a party to thank everyone for their support.
I booked a hotel and paid for the whole thing.
She made a speech and thanked everyone for coming. My brother made a speech and thanked my sister for getting my mum such a lovely cake. That was it.

But it is impossible to say 'but no one thanked me. I organsised the whole thing' because they would just say 'but you can afford it'. But it isn't the money.

I will send hullys I think
"yes of course, gladly after all I am paying for everything else"

Ok. Not the last bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 10:05

Yes, very neat TidyDancer Smile

Have you met my mother before Grin

The Christmas gift comment is good too. I could do that.

I might just pick up both their bills in full and say 'let me get that. As we are so close to Christmas we can call it your gifts this year if you like'

OP posts:
Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 10:07

I should add I would normally have the calm and measured advice of dh. But I spoke to him and he came over all frothing beserker

OP posts:
EnjoyResponsibly · 09/11/2011 10:16

Two offerings:

Dear DSis,

No.

Love,
Pag

Dear DSis,

Sure! Why don't we say it's her Christmas present.

Love,
Pag xx

Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 10:18

Ooooh. I like 2

Pithy.

OP posts:
VenetiaLanyon · 09/11/2011 10:19

How about something short and sweet:

"Hmm, might be a bit awkward , as we're not getting anyone else's treatment; why don't you make it her Xmas present from you instead?"

lilbitneurotic · 09/11/2011 10:23

See when calm and measured DH goes all "frothy berserker" you know they've gone too far this time.

ChristinedePizanne · 09/11/2011 10:23

It isn't nice to feel like you're being treated like the bank of Pag. Sometimes the more generous you are, the more some people take advantage of it :(

I like TidyDancer's email - it's very clear and not remotely bitter

Hullygully · 09/11/2011 10:24

I like 2 too. Good good plan.

Can you talk openly to dsis? Ask her why she has suggested it in the light of etc?

Hullygully · 09/11/2011 10:25
VenetiaLanyon · 09/11/2011 10:30

yes, could be good to have a conflab with dsis; does your mum expect your Dsis to pay for everything too? Could be a nice Can of Worms ready to be opened here.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 09/11/2011 10:32

Pag, that completely sucks.

My DB seems to see us as a similar gravy train and it really hurts - as if the only reason they only tolerate knowing us is so we can pay for stuff. sigh.

I'd go for option 2, you keep the celebratory feeling for your birthday treat (happy birthday btw - you look fantastic Wink) and restrain the feelings of only being used.

JJ · 09/11/2011 10:33

If your husband who is normally calm went all frothing beserker, then it is probably a bigger deal than you're letting on. I mean, you have a right to feel a bit used and unappreciated and I'd imagine it's especially upsetting when it's your own family.

If you do decide to do the Christmas present thing, then stick to it! Can you get your sister on side with that? Ie, neither of you buy her another Christmas present?

Pinot · 09/11/2011 10:35

Pag, is the cost worth the stress avoiding the cost is causing? I think not. Just pay.

Next time, invite me and Hully and we'll pay for our own spa-ness. Wot larks.

TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 09/11/2011 10:51

Happy birthday, Pag! Thanks

Cheeky bugger is all I can think. The Christmas present idea is a good one, as that way she gets to have her treatment with everyone else who wants one and doesn't sit around grouching about how she wanted one but couldn't afford it. But make sure she knows, using the phone call as suggested by several here.

My DM, lovely as she usually is, has stopped offering to pay for stuff as DP always says 'don't worry, I'll get it'. Pisses him off right royally, so I have told, on several occasions, 'stop offering then! Grin

SixStringWidow · 09/11/2011 10:54

Pagwatch, - do you think your mum and sis will turn up with a packed lunch? Grin

It's a shame when things always boil down to money! I do not envy you at all in that respect, I bet in some cases you cannot do right for doing wrong.

funnypeculiar · 09/11/2011 10:56

Oh, 2 is good, do that.

DilysPrice · 09/11/2011 13:40

With a bit more detail I see that it's not just a one-off but part of a pattern so perhaps worth addressing. I also think the Christmas present idea is genius.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 10/11/2011 13:24

I'd be having a strop by now, something along the lines of 'It's MY birthday...where's my f*cking treat!' should get the message across ;)

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/11/2011 13:34

The problem with the Christmas Present idea is that Sister will say yes to the idea, as it gets her out of a hole, and then she won't mention that bit to your Mum, or she will and your Mum will ignore it, and either way Christmas will roll around and the whole thing will come up again. There is no way that calling something a christmas gift now, in mid Nov, will be "remembered" by such moochers later.

I would go with Mackrelmint's suggestion, it gets it out in the open to call your Mum directly and gives her nowhere to go with it. And if she has a big strop, I'm sure there are many many MNetters who will gladly take her place including me, you don't mind paying for an air ticket do you, no, excellent

LaPruneDeMaTante · 10/11/2011 13:51

Oh Pagwatch when I read about them not thanking you for your mum's party I got all sad and stabby.

WHY are people so thoughtless?!?!

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 10/11/2011 13:58

:( me this is why I generally dislike people.

(I don't really though I wish I could sometimes)

Hope you've had a nice birthday and I'd go for option 2, possibly adding, it will save me racking my brains to come up with something else for her.

But then you have to not buy anything else.