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Original poster

Would one of you draft an email for me? I can't do it without being bitter

58 replies

Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 09:04

For my birthday I have invited 10 people to a weekend away. I hate people having to spend money in order to celebrate your event so dh and I kept the numbers really really low so that we could fund most of it but so that it would be a treat.

So we are paying for hotel and spa, dinner and breakfast. The hotel is very expensive as is the day at the attached spa. I was also intending to but drinks
The invitation explains clearly that the only things guests would have to pay for is lunch (which can obviously just be a salad or sandwich as we have big dinner paid for and booked) and any spa treatment.

So, my mother kept telling my sister (also invited) that she would like a treatment but didn't know how to book it. So sister phoned me and I phoned my mother. Quite why she couldn't phone me in the first place escapes me but hey...
I talked her through the treatments, explained that she doesn't have to have one but it is up to her. I reminded her that I had sent her a full treatment list and if she was worried about booking she could call me. I spoke to her for half an hour. She promised to call me back.

Instead, on my birthday, I get an email from my sister saying that 'mum asked me to book a facial so I have booked it for her. Will you go halves with me to pay for it'

I am really struggling to find a way to reply that doesn't include 'oh for fucks sake.' and 'so the only things you have to pay for are food and treatments but you want me to pay for treatments'

Draft something tactful would you? I will send the best one.
Dh is paying everything possible in advance so that I didn't have to get involved in that but I suppose I should give my sister a cheque?

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/11/2011 09:06

i think sister is caught in the middle and would go straight to mum and not involve sister.

HippoPottyMouth · 09/11/2011 09:10

"I know, why don't I pay for the hotel, and dinner in the evening and you (or mum) pay for the facial, as she has decided to have it?"
Sorry I'm not so good at tactful either.

Can your mum afford it easily?

Of course you could just offer to pay for it, but I don't think I could swallow that pill.

DilysPrice · 09/11/2011 09:12

Actually if you can afford it, I'd give your DS a cheque and let it go. Bloody annoying, but it's very much a one-off thing, not a repeated problem that you'd have to nip in the bud. I don't see what you'd gain by an irate email.

Hassled · 09/11/2011 09:12

But is your mother in a position to afford the facial? Is your sister? Is your Mum deliberately being difficult or just failing to understand?

I think if you do the "I made it very clear from the start that DH and I would be paying for X, Y and Z and that the only thing my guests are paying for is lunches and treatment. I did explain this to Mum when we spoke on Whatever Day and I told her then that she didn't have to have any treatments." email then there could possibly be repercussions which aren't worth the cost of half a facial. I can see why it feels like a big deal to you now but in the longer term it might be easier to just accept it.

HippoPottyMouth · 09/11/2011 09:12

Happy birthday btw :)

FetchezLaVache · 09/11/2011 09:13

Just say, Sorry mate, we're already paying for her (and 9 others) to stay in a very expensive hotel/spa for the weekend, we're covering breakfast, dinner and drinks for everyone. I know half a treatment isn't really very much extra in the scheme of things, but I did make it abundantly clear that guests will have to pay for their own spa treatments and I feel I've already forked out enough already. Got to draw the line somewhere, am drawing it here. I hope you understand! See you soon, love Sis xx

Hullygully · 09/11/2011 09:15

I would go for:

It would be my pleasure.

Grumpla · 09/11/2011 09:15

Email both of them saying you think there's been a misunderstanding, but don't say any more than that. List everything you are paying for, then explain that the only thing people have to pay for on top is lunch and spa treatments and that they need to sort those out with the hotel direct. Include the number of the spa.

Then ignore. If sister brings it up again, feign innocence "Oh, didn't you get my email? I said in the email that as we are paying for X Y and Z if people want stuff on top of that they need to cover it themselves. We can have a lovely day at the spa just lounging around in the jacuzzi etc so I didn't think people would expect me to pay for extras on top - it's already costing us £X for the whole party!"

If that fails, slowly and clearly say "It's MY BIRTHDAY. I am paying £X so we can all have a lovely time. I am surprised you don't feel that is generous enough, but I'm sure you don't want to spoil our lovely weekend away by discussing it any further."

Then do the death stare.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 09/11/2011 09:16

Can I be your friend? Your birthday treat sounds lovely and very generous!

I like fetchezlavache" response, but I am more in favour for you to phone and talk to your mum directly so it doesn't drag on and on.

Grumpla · 09/11/2011 09:17

Or, tell your mum and sister they can stay in a travel lodge and clip each other's toenails, and I'll come instead. I promise to be appropriately (eg EXTREMELY) grateful.

Happy birthday btw Grin

Hullygully · 09/11/2011 09:18

Do you think dsis (is it the evil one btw?) is thinking it would be nice to treat mother without thinking through the full implications and it being your birthday etc?

FetchezLaVache · 09/11/2011 09:18

Thanks, Ghastly!

OP, if you do use my suggestion, don't use the word "already" twice in the same sentence. Blush

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 09/11/2011 09:21

dont email your sister. Phone your sister and explain to her that you have explained treatments to your mum and that treatments have to be paid for by the person who booked them (ie your mum/sister) dont elaborate further.

Be polite, but put your foot down.

OR - tell you Mum and Sister for fuck right off and I will come in their place and pay for my own treatments and not bother you all weekend. Grin

I will even chuck in a birthday present and cake.

Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 09:22

Yep, you are all right.

I will pay for it. I will probably pay for lunch too. And I will probably buy all the drinks as well.

Tbh I don't care about the money.
But yes they can afford it. They have less money than me but they go out, have treats etc etc. It isn't really about the money.

OP posts:
Hassled · 09/11/2011 09:22

Grumpla - I think they could throw in some eyebrow plucking at their Travelodge as well. Eyebrows and toenails - they'd be sorted. Pag - offer them that - I'll pay.

Hassled · 09/11/2011 09:24

What is it about then? Their wilful refusal to co-operate - is there a history of this? Or their assumption that because you are richer you pay for everything all of the time?

Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 09:25

Yes, my sister is caught in the middle. She is lovely (nt t'other one Hully).

I think the rub is that my mother just contrives to get me to pay for everything and it is sort of hurtful

OP posts:
Maryz · 09/11/2011 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 09:27

Yes hassled. I think it is the assumption thing except that it is more than that.
It has kind of morphed into the fact that it is my primary function.
The fact that it was brought up on my birthday is a bit of that.

I told you. Bitter

OP posts:
Original poster
Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 09:28

Grin at travelodge options.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 09/11/2011 09:28

hoh yes.

The old, You've got the wong, you pay for the lot, attitude.

I have a very dear friend whose mother (and stepfather) do that. They all go out as a family and one of them waves an airy hand and says, Oh X will take care of this. And she does.

Hassled · 09/11/2011 09:30

Understandably bitter, though. It's shit - completely fair enough that you feel aggrieved.

I think I've swung from "suck it up" to "make a stand" - but maybe for the sake of an enjoyable weekend "suck it up" makes more sense. Pick your battle for a time when it's not going to impact such a big occasion - but it does sound like you do need to have that battle.

Grumpla · 09/11/2011 09:35

Nononono make her have the battle NOW so I can go instead!!!

TidyDancer · 09/11/2011 09:43

I really wouldn't pay. How fecking cheeky trying to get you to pay after you've shelled out for them to have a nice weekend away! Go with something like:

"Hi mum, I'm so pleased you've decided to have a treatment, it will be lovely and relaxing for you. DSis mentioned something about payment, you just need to pay the hotel on arrival/when you have the treatment [delete as applicable]. DH and I are paying for the hotel so don't try to pay for your room by accident! Can't wait to see you!"

And to your DSis, explain you have said the above and that therefore, the treatment is your mum's responsibility to pay for. If DSis then decides to pay for your DM's treatment, that's her choice, but you shouldn't be.

I have a cousin who is the biggest cheapskate going, so handling this kind of thing is a repeated occurance in my family.

CJCregg · 09/11/2011 09:49

Can I suggest something that might be a bit PA but would give me huge satisfaction? Grin

Email or phone your mum/sis and say 'Of course I'll pay, no problem. I did say that, as I'm paying for practically everything else, I wouldn't be paying for spa treatments, but as it's you, Mum, I would really love to. I always think mums should get a present on the anniversary of the day they gave birth.' Grin

Or am I just too bitter and twisted?

Seriously, though - having had a huge bust-up with my mum a couple of years ago over money, I would say it's not worth the inevitable upset. Just know that you are the better person and have a gorgeous birthday.

(Also very, very Envy of fab celebrations.)