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Original poster

DS is invited to a party but he does not want to go.

94 replies

Numberfour · 05/05/2011 07:21

DS is 6 and has been invited to a party that he does not want to go to. The dilemma is that I don't think that little boy that has invited him has many friends at all. His mum said that she cannot get out of him who his friends are (her DS is ASD) and because his mum and I chat sometimes, I think that this is why she has invited my DS.

My DS does not play with him at school - there are 90 children in his year so it is not as if he is going out of his way to be mean. They are just not friends.

DS is adamant that he does not want to go. Added to this, is the fact that I childmind and will have another girl from the same year with me. When I told the mother of the birthday boy this, she said that the invitation would be extended to the little girl, too.

What should I do? I don't want to force DS to go! But I feel AWFUL telling the mum that DS does not want to go... help?

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 05/05/2011 17:20

Oh good for your DS. He's more compassionate than you thought. Wink
How sad for the other little boy though. :(

Goblinchild · 05/05/2011 17:21

You have a very likeable child who is capable of empathy, well done the pair of you.
My DS went to a birthday party when he was 6, and that was the last time he was invited to a party with 'friends' until he was 15. He has had birthday parties with family, and a special outing with me for years. For his 16th, he went paintballing with a few friends from school and scouts, but it's taken over a decade for that to be a realistic possibility.
It was obvious to me, and many others, that he couldn't do 'ordinary' until he grew up, and I never broke my heart over it. It would have achieved nothing positive. We had different fun instead, and we waved happily at the NTs from the other side of the Looking Glass.

Lougle · 05/05/2011 17:23

Numberfour!! That is fantastic news. Seriously, two hours of kindness from your DS could make a life-time's difference for that boy.

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ScarlettWalking · 05/05/2011 17:24

You should be proud of your son, what a lovely child.

wordsmithsforever · 05/05/2011 17:32

What a sweet son you have Numberfour - you must be really proud of him! I've persuaded my DC to attend a few parties like this (ie not best mates, not most socially skilled party child) and I don't think it's a bad thing at all. I've also promised them it would just be a slice of cake and congratulating the birthday boy/girl so haven't committed them to hours and hours. Generally, they've had quite a good time and come away with a better understanding of compassion, how the world works and how they can make a little difference.

SummerRain · 05/05/2011 17:33

well done numberfour's ds Smile

Hopefully in future you'll have a little bit more faith in his good nature.....

Goblinchild · 05/05/2011 17:34

This thread has become very cheering for the likes of me, I'm delighted to read of so many thoughtful and generous parents who are raising their children to be kind. Smile

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 17:39

Thanks, everyone. I am so pleased and so proud of my DS. And I appreciate everyone's input in this little saga of mine today.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 05/05/2011 18:03

Good show.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 18:56

Well done!

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 18:57

Hully, glad you came back to see the end result..... Smile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 18:58

Thanks, exoticfruits.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 19:04

He sounds lovely Smile

SauvignonBlanche · 05/05/2011 19:05

You've just made me cry.
My DS has AS and never got invited to parties, I probably only got children to come to his by having them in expensive soft play / Quazar / Ten pin bowling places.
Bless your DS.

3monkeys · 05/05/2011 19:13

My DS1 - Not diagnosed as AS but again no good at making friends - never got invited to parties and it broke my heart. Now he's 11, it breaks my heart that he won't go out to play and the other boys hardly ever knock for him. He on the other hand couldn't care less!!!

tabulahrasa · 05/05/2011 19:15

oh that's so sweet Smile

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 19:19

SauvignonBlanche (love the name), thank you......

3monkeys, that's interesting that you say that your DS could not care less. I had been thinking that about the birthday boy in question: if he is not concerned about a party, friends, etc, surely he is content as he is? I know his mum is upset, I know that I would be very sad for DS if he had no friends. But who is to say that the birthday boy is happy / content / whatever just as he is? Like Goblinchild said previously. I don't know what the answer is. If birthday boy is lonely, that's just terrible, but if he is not lonely, how can that be terrible? I really don't know much about ASD at all, though (lame disclaimer).

OP posts:
mookle · 05/05/2011 19:20

I am so glad that you and your DS will go to the party, really really happy. Your son sounds lovely :) made my evening reading that

tabulahrasa · 05/05/2011 19:29

there are some children with ASD who would be massively upset and some who wouldn't notice in the slightest if no-one turned up

His mum will be happy though...I know birthday parties aren't supposed to be for mums, but honestly I can't tell you how much I loved the two children who came to DS's party

Hullygully · 05/05/2011 19:30

There. Lovingkindness, that's what we all need.

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 19:33

Smile I am being so indulgent coming back to check replies. They are all so lovely. Thank you. If I did not give a shit about the mother or the child I would have told her no, DS won't be going and that's that. But I knew there was more to it. And now I have loads of strangers telling me what a lovely boy I have Grin . Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 19:35

Tabulahrasa, thanks for adding that. As I said I do not understand ASD or how it affects (effects?) people.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 05/05/2011 19:48

Numberfour, I can only speak from my own experience, but my DS thought he had friends if anyone spoke to him and had a conversation. many of his friends were adults with similar interests to him.
He didn't get 'Stranger Danger for years, not until his teens.
I decided I'd love the child I had and work with him. I didn't get upset about things that didn't upset him (within reason, sometimes I was raging with anger)
If I wanted my pet to bark, fetch sticks and wag his tail, I'd be sadly disappointed because I have a cat. No amount of wishing and fretting is going to make him canine. I'm better off loving his purr and independence.

Goblinchild · 05/05/2011 19:49

And it's 'affects' people, not effects. Grin

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 19:53

well done your son numberfour!

ds1 is very similar to the child you describe. we had a "pumpkin party" at halloween and only one child came and ds1 was devastated Sad
he has ASD, and while he finds things hard socially and often appears not to care, underneath it all it still hurts him deeply

you must be really proud of your boy :)

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