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Original poster

DS is invited to a party but he does not want to go.

94 replies

Numberfour · 05/05/2011 07:21

DS is 6 and has been invited to a party that he does not want to go to. The dilemma is that I don't think that little boy that has invited him has many friends at all. His mum said that she cannot get out of him who his friends are (her DS is ASD) and because his mum and I chat sometimes, I think that this is why she has invited my DS.

My DS does not play with him at school - there are 90 children in his year so it is not as if he is going out of his way to be mean. They are just not friends.

DS is adamant that he does not want to go. Added to this, is the fact that I childmind and will have another girl from the same year with me. When I told the mother of the birthday boy this, she said that the invitation would be extended to the little girl, too.

What should I do? I don't want to force DS to go! But I feel AWFUL telling the mum that DS does not want to go... help?

OP posts:
Knofje · 05/05/2011 07:25

If he really doesn't want to you you'll have to plead a prior engagement to save her feelings.

ScarlettWalking · 05/05/2011 07:53

It is awful but if you truly can't coax him into it you will have to say you have a family commitment. Sad for little boy

tabulahrasa · 05/05/2011 08:04

If you really can't convince him that parties are good even if it's not a close friend, make sure you tell her in plenty of time and make up an appintment it something.

One of the most heartbreaking days of my life was my son's 8th birthday party, he'd given invites to his entire class, no-one rsvped and two children turned up

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exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 08:05

I read the title and was straight away going to say 'don't go' because when people are moaning about DCs not getting invites to parties I remember hating them at 5yrs.
However-this is much trickier as it seems there are few guests and may not be a party if he doesn't. I would sit him down and ask him exactly what it is about the DS that makes him not want to go.
As a compromise-do you know the woman enough to find out who is going and if it is very small suggest thatyou all,parents too,take a picnic out to the park or something
I think you need to dig deeper before you just make excuses.

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 09:22

Thanks, everyone. If it was just the usual type of party and DS did not want to go, I would not have posted here, and yes, there is something a bit deeper that him just not wanting to go. I got the text invite day before yesterday, was busy all day yesterday working then uni and got back home after 9pm. The party is tomorrow.

I do not want to force DS to go because I feel that it is unfair on him - he has to put up with a lot because of my working from home etc.

I need to make excuses that will be kind and not hurt anyone's feelings. I don't know the mother well at all and I do not know who she is friendly with.

It really is a difficult one because selfishly I feel that I have been put in the spot, but the other mother is the one who will be hurt (though I guess she would never let on). Tabula, that must have been awful for you and your DS.... did you try to chase up on RSVPs?

Exotic, when you say dig deeper, do you mean find out from my son why he does not want to go? I am also fearful that if DS does not go then there will be no party, but is it up to me and DS to make a party for the other little boy??

OP posts:
Hullygully · 05/05/2011 09:24

I'd make him go, it's good for everyone to do acts of kindness on occasion.

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 09:25

"and yes, there is something a bit deeper that him just not wanting to go." Sorry - no idea why I wrote that. There is nothing between the boys. They are just not friends, DS never plays with him and the other boys appears to have other friends. Nothing sinister or anything untoward at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 09:26

Hully, I appreciate that. I try to teach him that kindness is more important that most things! BUT: what is the point of forcing him against his will? He really honestly and truly does not want to go. Not at all.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 05/05/2011 09:28

We all have to do things we really don't want to, sometimes for better reasons than others. Kindness comes pretty high up my list.

tabulahrasa · 05/05/2011 09:44

I'd tried, but got non-committal noises from the parents I knew, DS has Asperger's so he couldn't chase them up at all.

He had about 10 people there who weren't from school, children of friends and neighbours so it wasn't just him and 2 children from school, lol,

But I was devastated, that out of 26 children only 2 came, I knew he was struggling socially at school, but that was the point where I realised he had no friends at all...no-one disliked him as such, they just didn't like him either Sad He doesn't have behavioural issues, he's not unpleasant to be around, he just struggles to make friends.

He didn't get invited to parties either. He was 6 the last time he was invited to a party and I never did another party for him after that one - it's one of the things that still makes me really really upset. I also know that it's one of the things that other parents of children with ASDs find hard, birthday parties are such an integral part of childhood, and it's horrible when your child misses out on them.

Of course it shouldn't be up to you and your son to make a party for the other boy, but if your DS doesn't have any reason to not go, if it is just that he's not particularly friends with him, then if you can get him to go it would be a really kind thing to do.

MollieO · 05/05/2011 09:48

It seems a bit odd to give only two days notice of a party. If that isn't the case and Ds accepted the invite and has now changed his mind, I would make him go. My Ds knows that once he's accepted and invite he is obligated to go (he's 6). It means he considers carefully when he receives an invite and doesn't always accept.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 10:01

If you got it so last minute I think that it is pefectly acceptable to just have 'a prior engagement'.

SarkyLady · 05/05/2011 10:07

Under these unusual circumstances I would persuade him to go. Unless he can give you a very clear reason why he does not want to.

I was once dragged to a party by my mum and was the only child who came. I felt awful for the girl but was very glad that I went.

Please do this kind thing.

ragged · 05/05/2011 10:12

If OP took her DS and he was obviously unhappy there, wouldn't that be worse than a weak excuse? What if the mindee was having a grand time but OP's DS started to whinge loudly about wanting to go home? I suspect better to make excuses than to try to make him go.

Hullygully · 05/05/2011 10:15

whinge loudly about wanting to go home?

At 6? I'd be v cross at such bad manners.

SarkyLady · 05/05/2011 10:21

What Hully said.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 10:22

If you had lots of warning it would be more difficult- but 2 days notice is very short-you can't expect a lot without decent notice.

screamingskull · 05/05/2011 10:46

I agree that he should go, understand that you feel it is ultimately up to your son, but if you know the circs. then I personaly would make sure you and he put the effort in.

Can you not re-iterate the fun he will have, the great food he will get (in a child's eyes Grin) and what a good deed he is doing.

Also maybe say if he does go you will do something later in the day that he enjoys doing with you.. Yes i know it's a bribe, but one good turn deserves another.

Good luck however it pans out x

greencaveman · 05/05/2011 10:58

This is hard.

If you have the opportunity, you should suggest to the mother that for next year, if her DS doesn't say who he wants to invite then she could ask the teacher for suggestions. I know this is outside the teacher's role, but as the child has additional needs, I would think it should be acceptable to ask as social integration is part of primary education.

Regarding this year, I would try and get your DS to go to the party. Could you sell it to him as the activities that they are going to do (where is party?) rather than X's party. My DS is 5 and in reception so if I wanted him to attend under these circs, I would ask him how he would feel if nobody came to his party and I would offer an incentive for him to go (yes, I am into bribery Grin).

suzikettles · 05/05/2011 11:06

Under these circumstances I'd make ds go. It's got to be, what, 2 hours out of his life? No big deal.

At 6 I'd hope he'd understand that sometimes you do things you don't want to do because it'll make someone happy.

Besides, it's a party! Parties are fun even if it's not being held by your best friend. I bet he'll enjoy himself once he's there.

ragged · 05/05/2011 11:21

I'll bet, would be willing to put money on it (I've done it Blush), that the short notice is because of other people either dropping out or not RSVPing at all. Does it make you feel any better, OP, about saying No if you realise your DS's invite was a last minute/afterthought?

gawd, my DS can whinge loudly and kick off almightily even at events he wanted to go to initially. Very embarrassing and absolutely not be reasoned with once he gets a bee in his bonnet about it. I'd be loathe to drag him anywhere against his will.

And what's op going to do about it if the child does kick off and fuss whilst there? Threaten to drag him away? How well is it going to go down with the other parent to observe "She has to threaten her son with X Y or Z to make stay at the party without whinging".

ScarlettWalking · 05/05/2011 11:31

Yes I think on these circs I would use bribery as well, maybe even give him a treat. It is v hard I understand.

Oblomov · 05/05/2011 12:17

Whinge, at not wanting to go to a party ? At 6 ? Really. Ds1 is 7, and I have never heard either him or any of my playground mum friends say that their children do this.
Very odd.

Oblomov · 05/05/2011 12:19

Is your son very sensitive. What would he say, if you asked him how he would feel, if no one wanted to go. would it make him sad. Persaude him to go. And to do the proper thing and make an effort to make the birthday boy happy.
I have to try very hard with empathy with ds1, but he is normally very loving and normarly concludeds himself, thta if it was him, he would like this/that/the-other.

purplepidjin · 05/05/2011 12:44

As the party child's needs are out in the open could you chat with your ds about how hard it is for party boy to make friends? Party mum and son probably feel quite isolated so you taking both children and staying to help would most likely be very much appreciated!

If he's really set against it then saying honestly that your ds and hers don't really know each other might be your best plan. You could arrange to visit them to play another time and encourage your ds to get to know him better?