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Original poster

DS is invited to a party but he does not want to go.

94 replies

Numberfour · 05/05/2011 07:21

DS is 6 and has been invited to a party that he does not want to go to. The dilemma is that I don't think that little boy that has invited him has many friends at all. His mum said that she cannot get out of him who his friends are (her DS is ASD) and because his mum and I chat sometimes, I think that this is why she has invited my DS.

My DS does not play with him at school - there are 90 children in his year so it is not as if he is going out of his way to be mean. They are just not friends.

DS is adamant that he does not want to go. Added to this, is the fact that I childmind and will have another girl from the same year with me. When I told the mother of the birthday boy this, she said that the invitation would be extended to the little girl, too.

What should I do? I don't want to force DS to go! But I feel AWFUL telling the mum that DS does not want to go... help?

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Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 13:27

My DS would object if being forced to go so I will not try to bribe or cajole him into going. Oblomov, I understand what you mean about teaching empathy etc. However, while I feel awful that this child may not have the best of birthdays, I do not feel that I have an obligation to make it a good one for him. A PP raised an interesting point about the invite possibley being a last minute thing. Could be the case. Or it could be that the mother just did not invite anyone earlier. I really don't know.

I have decided not to force DS to go and have sent a text (the invitation was sent to me day before yesterday by text) saying that DS will not be able to make it - he is still at the stage where he does not like being left at parties and so I used that as an excuse, saying that I was unable to make it. I am in fact, working, so that also makes it a bit harder.

Thanks for all the advice and opinions. It is not a great situation all around, but then again not really my responsibility. (that is probably going to come across as being really uncaring but it is not what I intended - i just choose not to be responsible for another child's birthday happiness!!)

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MarionCole · 05/05/2011 13:28

I made DS go to a party that he didn't want to go to, he spent the whole time telling me "see, I told you it would be boring" Blush

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 13:31

MarionCole, that is a situation I would rather avoid!

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Families
Oblomov · 05/05/2011 13:56

'6 yr olds, STILL at the stage at not wanting to be left at a party'. WHAT ? Really ?

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 13:58

If you get a last minute invitation by text I can't see the least problem in not being available and replying by text. A proper invitation 2 weeks before would be more difficult to get out of.
I certainly don't think that every DC likes parties at that age. I hated them-especially if it wasn't a particular friend. (luckily in my day people only asked friends and not the whole class)

Hullygully · 05/05/2011 13:58

i just choose not to be responsible for another child's birthday happiness!!)

That is a very sad sentence. We shpould all increase the sum of world happiness whenever there is an opportunity.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 13:59

At 6 yrs old if they don't want to be left I would suggest they didn't want to go in the first place!! You shouldn't need to stay with a 6 yr old!

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 14:10

All kids are different. Some are more confident at 4 or 5 or 6 than others are. Some talk earlier, walk later, etc etc etc . Some have ASD. Some have night terrors. Some talk two languages. Some don't like to be let alone at parties at age 6. Elmer the Elephant and all that.

Hullygully, if I choose to direct my happiness-making potential in the direction of the child whose party it is, I will make my own son unhappy. So the way I see it is that I am responsible for my son. Not that I would have him be happy at the expense of another, not at all. BUT: there could be a zillion and a half reasons why the child may or may not be happy at his party. I do not feel that in the circumstances, I am able to add to it in any manner.

Forcing DS to go would be very unfair on him. The boys are not friends. DS never talks about him. I never seen them talking at school. The other boy's mother is someone I chat to every now and then because she often seems to be on her own, so I say hello and chat a bit about the kids.

I feel awful for the boy's sake, but DS will not be going.

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Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 14:12

Hully, maybe I should have added "solely" responsible! That's what I meant. I feel like the baddy here, but I know that there will be no "winner" for want of a better expression.

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Hullygully · 05/05/2011 14:15

That poor boy. Friendless and alone at his own birthday party. The mother obviously invited your ds thinking that there was a chance of him attending as you were kind and spoke to her sometimes.

That's why you feel a baddy.

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 14:22

Grin yip, me's the baddy!

I don't know that he is friendless. I don't know that he will be alone at his own birthday party. It is a concern that that will be the case, but it is not something I know to be a certainty.

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tabulahrasa · 05/05/2011 14:22

if your DS is adamant he doesn't want to go then no, you can't force him to - it was more if he was one of those children that you can persuade to do things, then that's what I'd be doing.

In a, well who cares if he's not a close friend, there'll be cake kind of way, lol.

I could do that with DD, but I know with DS (The no-one came to his party one) that if he insists he doesn't want to do something and I make him, it will not be a pleasant experience anyway.

ExitPursuedByALamb · 05/05/2011 14:24

Oh Hully stop it - you are making me feel all sad now.

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 14:28

DS is a bit like yours, Tabulahrasa. It will be a horrible couple of hours if he is forced to go.

Grin @ Exitpursuedbyalamb

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hormonesnomore · 05/05/2011 14:31

I agree with Hully too.

My DS never wanted to go to his friends' parties at that age but I sat him down and explained how they'd be looking forward to their parties, their mums had gone to a lot of trouble and how sad it would be if everyone just didn't bother going.

I also pointed out that he'd want them to come to his parties.

He's still not very sociable as an adult but I think it's important to teach them to consider other people's feelings.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 05/05/2011 14:42

Agree with Hully

You say you don't want to make your son unhappy and he is your responsibility, but have you thought that he might be a bit put out for an hour or so and then get on with the rest of his day, while this poor child will remember being unpopular for years.

I would have made my DS go, demanded impeccable manners, and explained how we should all put ourselves out for others, as surely that raises a kind, thoughtful and empathetic adult for the future.

That's just me though.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 15:05

If he got 2 days notice by text he was hardly honoured guest! Had he had a proper invitation, with plenty of notice I think that you would treat it differently than a quick text, last minute-probably an after thought.

Hullygully · 05/05/2011 15:08

A desperate thought.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 05/05/2011 15:13

Quite.

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 15:18

I checked my phone: the text came through at 15.50 yesterday. I had to leave for lectures at 4pm and got home after 9pm.

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Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 15:19

Whose to say my son won't resent me forever for forcing him to go to the party and that the other child will not even remember?

Smile
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exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 15:57

If you really want someone at your party you don't put them as an after thought and expect them to drop everything!

Oblomov · 05/05/2011 16:42

At our school party invites are sent out normally 2-3 weeks in advance. so presumably at thta point, the venue is booked, or if at home, date decided. I rememmber one mum only gave 5 days notice, gave out on monday, for a disco in school hall sat night. this was very scorned upon, re lack of notice, that I thought was very uncalled for !! In my nature I am always just happy to be invited to anything, and see my childrens parties in the same ilk !!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 05/05/2011 16:50

You/ds have to go. It would be bloody horrible not to.

Original poster
Numberfour · 05/05/2011 17:10

Update:

I was at the park with the children (inc DS) when the phone went and I answered. It was birthday boy's mum asking if DS was going tomorrow. I told her Ds was not able to. Mum was gutted. We got talking, and turns out she invites kids over but no one ever comes.

He had no one at his party last year and one coming tomorrow. I suggested she talk to teacher to find out more about her DS's social skills (this is a summary of conversation, and I was not as blunt as it sounds!). She said that she asked her DS who his friends were and he mentioned a few names but none of the kids said that they would be going to the party.

I had to go because I had 4 kids I needed to get home to feed kids before pick up (childminding). I then told DS while we were waiting for the other children to join us that birthday boy's mum was very sad because only one person was going to the party. DS's face dropped.
I asked him:"Does that make you feel bad?".
DS says:"Yes".
Me:"So how about we go to the party, have a piece of cake and take the birthday boy a present"
DS: "Yes, a big present because I will be the only one there"

SmileWe are going to the party and will take the birthday boy a "big present".

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