Had a five-year relationship with a female long-term 'career criminal'

[BitOposh]

On the back of another thread people seemed interested, so I have began a thread here.

I say 'Career Criminal' she did have some other 'real' part time jobs at times throughout, but in the main, she was dodgy through and through. I had no idea when we began dating, and it wasn't until a few years in that I knew the full extent of her lifestyle.

I won't say anything that could identify me or her, but other than that AMA.

What sort of crimes?
Are you male or female?
Was she a forceful personality?

Are you doing this thread to help process it? Either way it's one of the more interesting AMAs!

I am female, and was substantially younger than her.
Burglary (mostly commercial some domestic),counterfeit money, drug dealing mainly, anything dodgy she could become involved in.

Not particularly forceful, she could be at times. She was often stressed, which then it came about, was the result of trying to hide a lot from me as I was not from this sort of background at all. Once I found out, a lot of it seemed so obvious, but we often don't see what we've no idea is there.

I answered a question on another thread about 'dodgy' people and some people seemed to be interested, but yes, thinking about it, it will likely help me process it. It was a long time ago now but I do still think about it.

How do you see yourself building a future with her?
How to you reconcile her using people and presumably also being willing to use you too and discard when it no longer suits her needs?

Do you know if she was ever caught for anything and if not do you think the fact of her being female helped her to get away with things?

At the time I was studying, with plans to move to a different town as soon as I was done, and had every expectation that she'd come with me and we'd live a nice, normal life.

It never crossed my mind about her using anyone. I didn't see what was going on clearly for a long time. I was not equipped with the knowledge I have now I am older, that is, that people with those lives and backgrounds are so widely different from people like me.

She was in cahoots with another criminal (who she lived with, also a gay female) and they'd been friends for 25 years.

We did move to the nicer town near my family, but she was unhappy and things turned for the worse then, and she moved back to her old life and we split. However she lives fairly normally now, as far as I know hasn't committed any crimes for a long while.

She was caught numerous times but all before I met her. She had been in prison once, not for long, and had been arrested more than several times (I found out about this long into the relationship, she hid a lot of her past from me).

She told me that more than once, her 'partner' was arrested and she wasn't due to the police looking for a male, once it was a teenaged boy they were searching for. She was quite thin, short-haired and dressed like a stereotypical teenager, baseball cap, hoodie, tracksuit bottoms. They'd also been looking for a male when she'd committed crimes alone, which may have helped with her not being caught.

How did you find out about her activities? And how much longer did you stay with her after you found out?

What was it in her life growing up that lead her to this path?

It was a bit of a drip feed. At first, she told me she 'had' done this or 'I used to' do this. Then I learned that the woman she lived with was still involved in crime.

Then I would get expensive gifts and she'd be evasive when I asked where they'd come from. She'd all of a sudden have a lot of money, whereas the week before she couldn't afford to get the train to me, or stop somewhere for a drink on a day out.

I'd wake up in the night and she wasn't there but there was always an explanation. If she left me alone at her house during the day I was instructed to not answer the door under any circumstance. I began asking questions, but she then implied it was all initiated by the other woman she lived with. I am not sure even to this day I know the full extent, if I am totally honest.

Her Mother was brought up by nuns, and she was brought up very religiously.

Her house was abusive, and she was disliked by her Mother as she came out looking like a man who she thinks is actually her Father but she doesn't know, and this was her Mums affair partner, so it raised suspicions. She had 3 siblings. Married young to escape the house but always knew she was gay. Husband was mentally ill and ended up in prison after trying to kill her and their children. Not a great life.

I will add to this that one night, after I had become to be privy to a lot of it, me, her and her 'partner' were all sitting drinking wine, her partner said to me 'Bit, how could you have possibly not known that we were dodgy?'

I said I just had no idea what to look for, I just thought they lived a rougher life than me, and were a bit different tome, that's all. I never would have had the equipment to see the signs. I'd never been around anything like it before. I stayed with her for maybe two years after that. I had an end in sight, and she treated me well, and I was still not fully conscious of all that was going on. It's only with hindsight that I've been able to laugh ironically at myself and think 'What the bloody hell were you doing?!'

I’m a bit puzzled as to why you think you needed to be ‘equipped with knowledge’ to put two and two together that your girlfriend kept vanishing at night, was telling you not to answer the door at her house and had mysterious sources of money. I mean, what did you think she did for a living? What about this woman, whom you depict as very damaged, quite apart from her criminality, appealed to you enough to make you enter into a relationship that lasted five years?

A lot of the time, the night vanishings would have not been something I noticed. She'd wait until I was asleep and be back before I awoke. Whenever I did notice, there was an excuse 'Mate's dog went missing' 'So and so needed some help with X' 'Couldn't sleep so went for a walk'. I just believed her.

She worked, as I've said in the OP, there was usually a 'legit' albeit low-level job alongside other earning means.

I actually met her at work, she was on the door and behind the bar of a dodgy club. I was studying in a neighbouring city and got a part-time job promoting for them. Other than that she did other bar work, gardening, other odd jobs.

Money was always to an 'easy come easy go' attitude with her which, now I am a bit wiser, seems to be normal for these sorts of circles. Whenever she took me out, or bought me things she'd say things like 'Make the most of this, once It's gone It's gone!' I guess if you're involved in dodgy practices, you cannot be seen to be making money, so it has to be spent, it cannot be invested or used for larger material things.

I agree she was/is damaged. I think I perhaps was too, despite a relatively privileged upbringing. But I was naive, having never known these sorts of circles existed or at least certainly not in a world that would overlap with mine.

We got friendly with one another while I worked at the club. She'd always offer to walk me to my car at the end of the night, which was appreciated. One night, I gave her a hug goodbye and I have never felt chemistry like it before or since. Please don't think I am a hopeless, whimsical romantic, I am far from it, but I remember that moment as very strange, in a good way. I just could not let go of her. Also relevant perhaps is that, as a young gay female I was in total denial. My family were an issue, and I had had relations with women but not real relationships, up to this point. So it being my first 'real' lesbian relationship likely played a significant part in why we got together, and why I stayed as long as I did.

How and why did the relationship break up?
Was her criminality an issue at the time?
Do you keep in touch?

She was unhappy living with me in a nice place. It was too quiet for her, and she missed her friends and old life. I had taken a fish out of water.

We began arguing a lot at that stage and she began taking trips back to the town we used to live in regularly, and eventually told me she was moving back there.

I don't think she did any criminal activity while living with me at our new place.

We do stay in touch. She's no longer doing anything criminal as far as I can know. She's apologised for a lot, and speaks very highly of me now. I'd never be involved beyond this though. And I'd never knowingly date anyone like her.

Having said that, I don't regret our relationship and I do have some fond memories.