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AMA
Original poster

My adopted teenage son has fasd ama

127 replies

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 10:30

Ama but please bare in mind I need to protect his privacy so some things I cant talk about. I want to do this to help people understand fasd more.

OP posts:
Fgfgfg · 21/12/2025 17:53

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 11:21

@Fasdmama I understand what your saying but for a proven diagnosis it is more than facial features and behavioural issues.
We had to have a geneticist report that it wasn't any other genetic abnormalities. We also had to provide evidence that ds birth mom had drunk during pregnancy. This I think is the biggest deal as very birth moms will openly admit drinking so unless outside agencies have reports in it there is no proof. Pavlova I am absolutely not saying you drank btw! Have you had any testing for genetics etc?

I’m a medical professional so please don’t lecture me about FASD, I have a thorough understanding. Yes, of course we had genetic testing 🙄. It remains that if I had of had alcohol during pregnancy my child would be diagnosed with FASD. However, given I didn’t they don’t have it. But they are absolutely identical to kids who have been diagnosed with it. So, yes, as a diagnosis it does make me wonder.

Unnecessarily rude and somewhat defensive. How was OP meant to know your background?

Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 20:17

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones for me (and I dont have tje knowledge of medics so obvs they know more!) But any foetus who absorbs alcohol will have some kind of affect from it. Its just whether its obvious enough to be diagnosed or not. I think its still a fairly "new" disorder and we'll find out more as time goes on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 20:36

@Newsenmum I've been pondering on your question about how we knew it wasn't adhd or autism!
When ds was diagnosed you couldn't have fasd and autism or adhd but now you can apparently.
For us he didnt tick enough boxes for autism or adhd but did tick some from each. Plus there was always something else about him. Those and the lack of sleep, strange eating, bodily features and evidence from family file. A big part of the diagnoses is saying no to things rather than doing a blood test to say yes so you can never 100% know.

OP posts:
Neurodiversitydoctor · 21/12/2025 20:41

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 11:15

@HoppingPavlova I understand what your saying but for a proven diagnosis it is more than facial features and behavioural issues.
We had to have a geneticist report that it wasn't any other genetic abnormalities. We also had to provide evidence that ds birth mom had drunk during pregnancy. This I think is the biggest deal as very birth moms will openly admit drinking so unless outside agencies have reports in it there is no proof. Pavlova I am absolutely not saying you drank btw! Have you had any testing for genetics etc?

I don't know where you are but in the UK they have dropped the requirement for genetic testing before evaluating for FASD.

Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 20:48

@dozer I think they're also realising how much of an affect cannabis is having on the foetus as it was thought before to not be as bad.
Statistically its now thought that fasd is more prevailant than autism. But if birth mum doesnt tell the Dr she drank (whether child is removed or not) the medical world will never be able to give that diagnosis. How to deal with a child with fasd is completely different from one with adhd etc so the poor child spends their life being treated wrongly.
I do agree with you to a degree about social services hiding information.
Would we still have adopted ds if we knew his issues? Absolutely but we would have known how to deal with him so much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 20:51

@thatblackcat birth mum is still alive. I dont know if she still drinks but I do know atleast 1 of her other birth children most likely has fasd too

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 21/12/2025 20:54

Devonshiregal · 21/12/2025 11:11

Or you could say “how blessed I am to never have experienced these types of struggles.”

Show quote history

Well said. And good luck to that poster saying they don't accept that addiction 'twaddle'.

Ridiculous someone could lack empathy and understanding of humanity. You can have empathy while still being critical of those who make bad choices.

Mischance · 21/12/2025 20:55

This is common in I adopted children as is the sort of frontal lobe damage that goes with drug exposure in utero.
What is lacking is proper support for adoptive parents who become virtually untrained therapists ... it is often a lifetime without support.

Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 21:00

@Beedeeoh hmm. Their was a time when I absolutely hated birth mom and what she'd done to ds. Now I feel ambivalent really. If it wasnt for her I wouldn't have my son, if she hadnt drank he wouldn't be the boy he is. But what she's dont to him I can never forgive her for.
DS is aware of her. He says he doesnt want to meet her because she damaged his brain but he knows she loved him. I'm sure in the future he will want to get intouch with her.
Ive never met her as she was deemed to high a risk.
I wrote to her on 4 occasions but sge never wrote to us and never accepted the letters so I stopped after a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 21:03

Thank you @neurodiversitydoctor I didnt know that. Our diagnosis was nearly 8 years ago though so it could well be different in my area now too

OP posts:
Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 21:05

@mischance You are absolutely right support is awful (also someone else asked abojt support. Apologies I cant remember who it was)
Another issue is the lack of understanding in schools. Ds looks normal and so in his fordt high school was treated as a naughty boy. It also took a huge battle to get an ehcp for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 21:09

Thank you everyone for your kind comments about my parenting. I try my hardest but you wouldn't be saying things as nice on my bad days 🤣
Also thank you for support when I was spoken too rudely. Im just doing bedtime but will be back in a bit if anyone has any more questions

OP posts:
gogomomo2 · 21/12/2025 21:14

Really interesting thread, thank you. My cousins kid has undiagnosed fasd, we know his mother drank very heavily and he has all the symptoms but he’s an adult and they dismissed these things 20 years ago plus his parents never pushed for anything medically or academically

Newsenmum · 21/12/2025 21:17

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 20:36

@Newsenmum I've been pondering on your question about how we knew it wasn't adhd or autism!
When ds was diagnosed you couldn't have fasd and autism or adhd but now you can apparently.
For us he didnt tick enough boxes for autism or adhd but did tick some from each. Plus there was always something else about him. Those and the lack of sleep, strange eating, bodily features and evidence from family file. A big part of the diagnoses is saying no to things rather than doing a blood test to say yes so you can never 100% know.

What’s his sleep like btw?

Newsenmum · 21/12/2025 21:19

Do you know if your son’s birth siblings have been adopted?

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 21:30

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 11:21

@Fasdmama I understand what your saying but for a proven diagnosis it is more than facial features and behavioural issues.
We had to have a geneticist report that it wasn't any other genetic abnormalities. We also had to provide evidence that ds birth mom had drunk during pregnancy. This I think is the biggest deal as very birth moms will openly admit drinking so unless outside agencies have reports in it there is no proof. Pavlova I am absolutely not saying you drank btw! Have you had any testing for genetics etc?

I’m a medical professional so please don’t lecture me about FASD, I have a thorough understanding. Yes, of course we had genetic testing 🙄. It remains that if I had of had alcohol during pregnancy my child would be diagnosed with FASD. However, given I didn’t they don’t have it. But they are absolutely identical to kids who have been diagnosed with it. So, yes, as a diagnosis it does make me wonder.

Is there a reason why you’re being so rude to the OP? She was neither rude nor was she lecturing you.

Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 21:32

@gogomomo2 its awful that he's not got the support he needs or you as his family! Im so sorry.
@newsenmum sleep is awful 🤣😭. He's on melatonin but it doesn't always work. He has to relax enough for it too which is difficult. We used to have to bore him to sleep! The first time he took it he loved it and said " mum I had this lovely snuggly feeling before I went to sleep!" How's awful must it be to never have that feeling?
Now however the pull of xbox, phone etc is sometimes too strong. Plus we have to make him take it infront of us else he lies and doesnt. He's even been known to hide it in his cheek and spit it out. I feel like I work in a prison sometimes checking his mouth after hes taken it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 21:34

We know 1 has been. I'm not sure about the others (there are a lot)

OP posts:
Kingerre · 21/12/2025 21:35

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 21:30

Is there a reason why you’re being so rude to the OP? She was neither rude nor was she lecturing you.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I've been really shocked by the aggressive and patronising tone in HoppingPavlova's posts. Nothing in OP's posts has called for that kind of response. What a shame, because there could have been an opportunity for interesting discussion there instead of pointless rudeness.

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 21:40

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 12:41

What do his medical teams think it is / put it down to?

I didn’t use a gender but you are right, it is a ‘he’. Medically put down to ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD and every other letter you can name. No identified genetic abnormality. Point being, if I drank alcohol it would be a big tick for FASD. But given I didn’t, it’s not. That doesn’t seem like robustness in terms of issue of diagnoses.

@user46256728992 I don’t expect patients to mansplain medical terms and diagnostic procedures to me.

As a medical professional, surely you know that it’s ‘sex’, not ‘gender’?

BadgernTheGarden · 21/12/2025 21:45

Does it matter? He has problems deal with them, if his birth mother drank or not doesn't change anything it is what it is, too late to change.

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 21:47

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 17:09

@Supersimkin7 we adopted him nearly 13 years ago at a time when there wasn't as much knowledge. But social services certainly kept information from us. They kept the information because they said it was his birth moms information and not my sons. Even though she was pregnant with him at the time.
Luckily a social worker we had at the time because we needed support, not because he'd just been placed, argued that we did need it. He went to the local authority where my son was adopted from and got tje information for us. None of it was the original reports. He wasn't allowed to photocopy it, photo it or copy it word for word but his memory was very good and as soon as he came out he wrote down everything he could remember. Else we would of only of had medical advisors report that birth mom "may" have drank. There was also information on her being on drugs whilst she was pregnant and more details about wjy he was removed. Without this evidence we would not have got the diagnosis im certain.

This is very unusual. I’ve taught adopted children whose adoptive parents had full medical information about the child from conception onwards - so if the mother drank excessively or took drugs throughout pregnancy, they knew about it. If either parent had a known disclosed medical condition that could impact their child, that I formation was disclosed. Two children I taught were screened for FASD from a really young age, both were diagnosed. These children will be in their 20s now.

Original poster
Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 21:47

Sorry @BadgernTheGarden are you talking to me?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 21/12/2025 21:48

BadgernTheGarden · 21/12/2025 21:45

Does it matter? He has problems deal with them, if his birth mother drank or not doesn't change anything it is what it is, too late to change.

Edited

Do you not think the child has the right to know of any conditions they may have?

NiceCupOfChai · 21/12/2025 21:49

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 12:41

What do his medical teams think it is / put it down to?

I didn’t use a gender but you are right, it is a ‘he’. Medically put down to ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD and every other letter you can name. No identified genetic abnormality. Point being, if I drank alcohol it would be a big tick for FASD. But given I didn’t, it’s not. That doesn’t seem like robustness in terms of issue of diagnoses.

@user46256728992 I don’t expect patients to mansplain medical terms and diagnostic procedures to me.

OP isn’t your patient , and in this setting you are not her medical professional (unless you fancy sharing your GMC/PIN/other professional registration number, no didn’t think so).

From one medical professional to another your attitude and professionalism stinks. This would be something useful for you to reflect on for your next appraisal.