Page 2 | My adopted teenage son has fasd ama

Fasdmama · 2025-12-21T10:30:15+00:00

Ama but please bare in mind I need to protect his privacy so some things I cant talk about. I want to do this to help people understand fasd more.

Original poster

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 11:36

Also sorry yes he just has no awareness on abstract concepts. So he doesnt get time. He just relys on us completly. I was going to say like a toddlers awareness but I dont think its even that! He uses routines to help him get through days and knows a time on the clock means bedtime but not how long it will be until that time.

OP posts:

Beedeeoh · 21/12/2025 11:37

How do you and your son feel towards birth mum? Have you had any contact over the years? You sound like a wonderful mum :)

Shutuptrevor · 21/12/2025 11:39

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 11:21

@Fasdmama I understand what your saying but for a proven diagnosis it is more than facial features and behavioural issues.
We had to have a geneticist report that it wasn't any other genetic abnormalities. We also had to provide evidence that ds birth mom had drunk during pregnancy. This I think is the biggest deal as very birth moms will openly admit drinking so unless outside agencies have reports in it there is no proof. Pavlova I am absolutely not saying you drank btw! Have you had any testing for genetics etc?

I’m a medical professional so please don’t lecture me about FASD, I have a thorough understanding. Yes, of course we had genetic testing 🙄. It remains that if I had of had alcohol during pregnancy my child would be diagnosed with FASD. However, given I didn’t they don’t have it. But they are absolutely identical to kids who have been diagnosed with it. So, yes, as a diagnosis it does make me wonder.

Hopping Pavlova, I think you’ve misread the OP’s tone there; I don’t think she meant to patronise you.

Original poster

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 11:39

@HoppingPavlova I don really understand your point. And without me leturing you because of course you're the expert 😉, yoir child doesnt fit the template of fasd because you didnt drink. You could as easily say they dont fit the template of autism or adhd.

OP posts:

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/12/2025 11:40

Jamesblonde2 · 21/12/2025 10:33

Not a question, but a comment. The number of children being born drug addled and from mothers drinking alcohol is absolutely grim. With clear education for YEARS on this, I can’t believe people can be so selfish. And I don’t accept the addiction twaddle either. Plenty of support services about to stop.

This is a ridiculous comment.

The number of mothers drinking is indeed grim, alcoholism is a disease exacerbated by poverty and social disfunction - many of those drinking mothers were raised by parents and grandparents with the same problems.

If we reduced our wealth gap, and made it a priority to give people useful work so they feel part of society, we'd have a lot less of this.

You sound like a politician complaining about anti-social behaviour whilst taking no account of the policies that created it.

The fact you think addiction is ''twaddle' is equally idiotic.

Good thread @Fasdmama a friend a of mine has an adopted son whose mother drank, mercifully for him he isn't showing any signs of FAS, but it could have been v different.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/12/2025 11:42

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 10:59

I find this a perplexing one and am often torn. One of my kids ticks every box for FASD, included most facial features, yet I honestly didn’t have a drop of alcohol while pregnant. So, because I didn’t drink they don’t have FASD, yet if I had of they would have FASD as they tick it all. Makes you wonder.

That's really interesting - and v challenging for you of course. What do his medical teams think it is / put it down to?

user46256728992 · 21/12/2025 11:51

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 11:21

@Fasdmama I understand what your saying but for a proven diagnosis it is more than facial features and behavioural issues.
We had to have a geneticist report that it wasn't any other genetic abnormalities. We also had to provide evidence that ds birth mom had drunk during pregnancy. This I think is the biggest deal as very birth moms will openly admit drinking so unless outside agencies have reports in it there is no proof. Pavlova I am absolutely not saying you drank btw! Have you had any testing for genetics etc?

I’m a medical professional so please don’t lecture me about FASD, I have a thorough understanding. Yes, of course we had genetic testing 🙄. It remains that if I had of had alcohol during pregnancy my child would be diagnosed with FASD. However, given I didn’t they don’t have it. But they are absolutely identical to kids who have been diagnosed with it. So, yes, as a diagnosis it does make me wonder.

Unnecessary rude - I hope as a “medical professional” you speak to your patients with a bit more tact!

Supersimkin7 · 21/12/2025 12:00

How truthful were SS? They know a lot about FASD.

Strangely, adoptive parents have to wait to find out…

I work with someone who’s got FASD and doesn’t function much - needs 1 to 1 support for all ADL and that isn't enough. But she’s relentless for self-improvement and has made the most out of her life, which is truly impressive.

It’s a foul legacy to pass on. The saddest thing is that my colleague yearns to see her mother, who didn’t raise her, more.

Dozer · 21/12/2025 12:02

Friends adopted a baby, now a teen, who it turned out is profoundly affected. As with all SEND, services are hugely under resourced and lacking.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 21/12/2025 12:17

Supersimkin7 · 21/12/2025 12:00

How truthful were SS? They know a lot about FASD.

Strangely, adoptive parents have to wait to find out…

I work with someone who’s got FASD and doesn’t function much - needs 1 to 1 support for all ADL and that isn't enough. But she’s relentless for self-improvement and has made the most out of her life, which is truly impressive.

It’s a foul legacy to pass on. The saddest thing is that my colleague yearns to see her mother, who didn’t raise her, more.

As far as I know (and this is only via the friend who adopted I mention above) you cannot know if a child will have it or not if their parent drank, some do and some don't. She wasn't just told this by SS but by medic friends she also spoke to about it.

So if you adopt a baby it's a gamble

Newsenmum · 21/12/2025 12:25

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 11:09

@Notmymarmosets it is hard isnt it? My ds is very similar. So gets seen as a "naughty boy" until people understand more.
@Newsenmum I was in my late 20s when I adopted him.
Ds seems very "normal" at first but you can soon see his issues. He has reached his age limit of that makes sense at 14. He has lots of flags about his fasd but the main ones for us are that really his impulsive brain works faster than the rest of him. This means he struggles to control his impulses and has very little danger awareness. He seems street wise but is naive. He does not understand abstract consequences so will say "yesterday" which can be up to a year ago. Telling him his homework is due tomorrow means nothing. He has no awareness about money so if he has any spends ot immediately then needs more. He has short term memory issues. He obsesses about things and has to complete the obsession and has addictive personality. His eating is verging on afrid (very minimal amount of food he likes) but is obsessed with sugar.
He is also fun, hilarious, amazing at maths , a brilliant artist. Becoming very good at cooking. He loves us all fiercly is developing empathy which is gorgeous amd makes us laugh daily. (Sorry that went on a lot!)
@BeatriceBatchelor he has very vague facial features. He has low big ears and his top lip (philtrum?) Is a bit smooth. However the time when the face is being created is so small a lot of fasd children have no facial features at all.

Out of curiosity, how do you know this is not autism/ADHD?

Dozer · 21/12/2025 12:37

It seems likely that there is higher prevalence of FASD and SEND due to drug use than is reported publicly or to prospective adoptive parents. There are incentives for social service organisations and staff to minimise the ‘odds’ and spectrum of SEND.

Newsenmum · 21/12/2025 12:39

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 11:36

Also sorry yes he just has no awareness on abstract concepts. So he doesnt get time. He just relys on us completly. I was going to say like a toddlers awareness but I dont think its even that! He uses routines to help him get through days and knows a time on the clock means bedtime but not how long it will be until that time.

That sounds so challenging. What age was he diagnosed?

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 12:41

What do his medical teams think it is / put it down to?

I didn’t use a gender but you are right, it is a ‘he’. Medically put down to ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD and every other letter you can name. No identified genetic abnormality. Point being, if I drank alcohol it would be a big tick for FASD. But given I didn’t, it’s not. That doesn’t seem like robustness in terms of issue of diagnoses.

@user46256728992 I don’t expect patients to mansplain medical terms and diagnostic procedures to me.

MiddleParking · 21/12/2025 13:16

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 12:41

What do his medical teams think it is / put it down to?

I didn’t use a gender but you are right, it is a ‘he’. Medically put down to ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD and every other letter you can name. No identified genetic abnormality. Point being, if I drank alcohol it would be a big tick for FASD. But given I didn’t, it’s not. That doesn’t seem like robustness in terms of issue of diagnoses.

@user46256728992 I don’t expect patients to mansplain medical terms and diagnostic procedures to me.

Laying aside the fact that there was zero indication that you were a clinician when OP made the comment you objected to, at no point did she do anything of the sort. You’ve made an idiot of yourself being pointlessly aggressive and rude to someone who’s posted about an interesting topic that clearly makes her life challenging. You could and should have apologised after the first time but you’ve decided instead to double down. Bad behaviour.

Original poster

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 14:29

I'll be back on in a bit im just visiting family.

OP posts:

Pinkclarko · 21/12/2025 14:45

Sneesellsseashells · 21/12/2025 10:52

This is so simplistic it is hard to believe that anyone could possibly lack empathy this much.

A work colleague of mine many moons ago had FASD and she was obviously highly functional but it had significant consequences for her. Her mum was an aboriginal Canadian and obviously an alcoholic but she had so much trauma and abuse in her life that she was not in a place to raise her daughter at all nor is there any magic solutions to the level of intergenerational trauma she experienced.

My friend was also adopted and suffered enormous trauma from that too. Rejection and abandonment issues were so prevalent in her adult behaviour.

Her adoptive family were pretty good overall but she came at an era where adoption was seen as the solution not the journey through trauma it is recognised as now.

I know speaking to her one of the things she found the most traumatic for her to process was that she felt like her adoptive family who were very locked into a fundamental religious church used her to show off what “good people” they were for adopting and she never really felt like part of the family like her biological siblings were. You could never be sure if that was perception or reality due to her trauma issues but it definitely impacted her a lot.

I’m guessing that things are significantly more trauma informed these days.

Show quote history

You’re a good friend and I think this is an insightful post, especially where you said that you can’t tell if it’s trauma or reality about their adopted parent’s attitude to it. Sorry to change topic-just wanted to say that because I don’t think many people l know that this is a thing.

Justlostmybagel · 21/12/2025 14:57

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 12:41

What do his medical teams think it is / put it down to?

I didn’t use a gender but you are right, it is a ‘he’. Medically put down to ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD and every other letter you can name. No identified genetic abnormality. Point being, if I drank alcohol it would be a big tick for FASD. But given I didn’t, it’s not. That doesn’t seem like robustness in terms of issue of diagnoses.

@user46256728992 I don’t expect patients to mansplain medical terms and diagnostic procedures to me.

Why have you been so unnecessarily rude the OP?

Your first post didn't mention you were a medical professional and the OPs reply was polite and not patronising in the slightest. How on earth was that "mansplaining"??

narniabusiness · 21/12/2025 15:13

Thanks for the reply @FasdmamaIt seems that having an interested paediatrician is key to this being identified. Best of luck to you and your family.

ThatBlackCat · 21/12/2025 15:49

Is his BM still alive, OP? Does she still do drink, do you know, if so?

Nobumsonthetable · 21/12/2025 16:27

@HoppingPavlovait’s ’would have’ not would of. Hope your medical reports are more articulate.

Original poster

Fasdmama · 21/12/2025 17:09

@Supersimkin7 we adopted him nearly 13 years ago at a time when there wasn't as much knowledge. But social services certainly kept information from us. They kept the information because they said it was his birth moms information and not my sons. Even though she was pregnant with him at the time.
Luckily a social worker we had at the time because we needed support, not because he'd just been placed, argued that we did need it. He went to the local authority where my son was adopted from and got tje information for us. None of it was the original reports. He wasn't allowed to photocopy it, photo it or copy it word for word but his memory was very good and as soon as he came out he wrote down everything he could remember. Else we would of only of had medical advisors report that birth mom "may" have drank. There was also information on her being on drugs whilst she was pregnant and more details about wjy he was removed. Without this evidence we would not have got the diagnosis im certain.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 21/12/2025 17:14

My foster son has this too as his biological mother binge drank throughout her pregnancy and took heroin and other drug cocktails too. Foster son has a lifelong learning disability and memory and learning issues. When she overdosed I was not sorry.

cantbearsed27 · 21/12/2025 17:17

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2025 12:41

What do his medical teams think it is / put it down to?

I didn’t use a gender but you are right, it is a ‘he’. Medically put down to ASD/ADHD/GAD/OCD and every other letter you can name. No identified genetic abnormality. Point being, if I drank alcohol it would be a big tick for FASD. But given I didn’t, it’s not. That doesn’t seem like robustness in terms of issue of diagnoses.

@user46256728992 I don’t expect patients to mansplain medical terms and diagnostic procedures to me.

She's not your patient so how could she possibly know you were a clinician. You have a fuck off huge chip on your shoulder though.

How can you wonder about the diagnosis? It's 'foetal alcohol syndrome' the clue is literally in the title so of course alcohol has to be involved or it's not going to be a syndrome caused by alcohol. People with 'all those letters' will often behave in a similar way, but it's not FAS because again, no alcohol. Besides even with FAS only 10% or less of people are thought to have the distinct facial features. Maybe your child has a genetic syndrome that is as yet unrecognised, Noonan syndrome can be similar as I'm sure you know. Maybe your child has an even rarer syndrome but that doesn't mean FAS doesn't exist.

You're looking at it the wrong way around IMO.

OP did you get a lot of help and support with DS due to him having having FAS? Or were you left to just try and muddle through it?

Supersimkin7 · 21/12/2025 17:40

Thanks. To be honest, in terms of seeing it, to me it’s really obvious: big ears, pointy head and long philtrum. Both people I know who’ve had it wouldn’t pass for normal on the NT front (much more fun as a result, one might add).

With an addict mother, you get other stuff going wrong too so maybe that’s why it’s hard to diagnose.

I do think FASD is horribly underestimated as a condition. Discussion always gets sidetracked into whether or not to judge Addict Mummy, like she cares. Being responsible for lifelong major brain damage to your own kid is quite something, though. So sad.