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AMA

I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

537 replies

Theblondewino · 21/01/2025 13:15

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

OP posts:
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MrsR2018 · 21/01/2025 19:31

You say you don’t drive when you’ve had a drink - you have 2 young kids. What if one of them needed an emergency medical appointment and you’d had a drink? How on Earth would you explain that and how is it even worth the risk?!

dappledgreyandwhite · 21/01/2025 19:31

Your back pain might be your liver. Please book an appointment with the GP and ask for a scan. Tell her/him you feel isolated and have steadily drank more and more. This is not your fault, but it’s so addictive it affects so many millions over the world. You are not alone, and deserve love and support to get through this. You are using alcohol to numb some pain, it’s so important to get to the root of what it actually does for you, and why.

You have been so brave to post here. I wish you the very best.

FanofLeaves · 21/01/2025 19:33

MrsR2018 · 21/01/2025 19:31

You say you don’t drive when you’ve had a drink - you have 2 young kids. What if one of them needed an emergency medical appointment and you’d had a drink? How on Earth would you explain that and how is it even worth the risk?!

Probably get a taxi to an appointment or call an ambulance for an emergency like people that can’t drive?

Saggy1 · 21/01/2025 19:39

Hi,
I just found out a friend of mine died through alcohol related illness. She was a secret drinker and I had no idea. It's such a shock and I'm gutted I didn't know and I didn't help her more. Please get some help, maybe join an online group or get some counselling. You say your children are your life so let them be the incentive you need to stop drinking. Sending you a big hug. I know it's going to be tough.

AlertCat · 21/01/2025 19:40

@Theblondewino do you read fiction? This Charming Man by Marian Keyes (herself a recovering alcoholic) has a character who does what you describe doing. It’s a book I have re-read because I really sympathise with her and she could be me if I had fewer restrictions on me- for example I have to drive every day, I work and so on- and have always had those things so have never had ‘free rein’. I see how easy it would be, though. I think you’re brave for saying this even if it’s ‘just’ on here.

dappledgreyandwhite · 21/01/2025 19:42

There is medication you can take that will make it much easier for you. Weight loss injections also seem to have some success.

Sugargliderwombat · 21/01/2025 19:47

Your back is your liver.

OP I think you need a job. It's OK not to be fulfilled by being a stay at home mum. It's like during covid loads of people just drank through being furloughed.

Anand25 · 21/01/2025 19:54

Theblondewino · 21/01/2025 14:23

What was it that traumatised you? I would like to stop very much

NRFT yet

This was my half brothers mum … he was born deaf (last of her kids/accidental pregnancy) and with other needs, and lives in a hospital now. Very traumatised by her drinking.

There is help out there for you - AA is a start

And don’t blame yourself: drinking starts as a ‘ solution’ but ends up being a problem. Sounds like you have been through a lot yourself

Seek help & talk to your husband (once you’ve thought things through). You will need his support

I think starting this thread is a healthy first step for you xx

DopeyS · 21/01/2025 19:55

I'm seeing it from the other side. I hardly drink but my partner has recently started seeking help for addiction. I had got to a point where I couldn't live with it anymore and was at my limit. I think I've put up with a hell of a lot. It's hard being someone who isn't bothered about drinking seeing someone drink so much and ruin things and not be able to explain why. He often has health problems but wouldn't admit the drinking was an issue. I'd got to the point where as soon as he was slightly tipsy I could see all the signs. It really stressed me out and even the pets would get stressed out because they could sense I was stressed. I'm sure that children can pick up on things. There's also the issue of when you stop being able to control it like you think you are now.
The bad back definitely sounds like a worry too.

Bethany83 · 21/01/2025 19:56

Is it your lower back where you get pain? Absolutely no doctor here but I do wonder if that could be related to your kidneys...

Please try your best to find other outlets and get help x

Fundays12 · 21/01/2025 20:03

Theblondewino · 21/01/2025 14:30

The reason I posted this was to hear other people's experiences as children of alcoholic or their own personal stories as alcoholics.

I have been drinking since I was 16 years old secretly.
I am 34 now.

I married the man I loved since I was basically a child, he has his own issues with alcoholic but has 2-3 beers now and calls it a night.

My father was an Alcoholic, up until the last 10 years he hasn't had a drop since, my mother never touched the stuff.

I don't ever get overly drunk. I space my drinks out over thr whole day/evening and as far as I know, nobody can tell.

I'm probably totally wrong and the neighbours are watching me wander the garden like a lost hen.

My father was an alcoholic. My memories of him were a man who worked very long hours and earned a good living but who squandered most of it on alcohol.

He would sit up late drinking whisky and cheap cider every night. He was initially cheery with the first drink but slowly his tone would change. He would become angry and aggressive towards my mum or say the craziest drunken nonsense. He would generally fall asleep in a drunken stupor on the chair in the livingroom.

I loved my dad dearly but he ruined days out, holidays, weekends away by either being drunk or hungover. He would spend the whole 2 weeks of Christmas and new year drunk as he was on holiday. Every new year would end with him and my mum fighting because she was so fed up with his drinking (she barely drank and still doesn't). I still hate new year to this day due to all the bad memories associated with it.

He was constantly hungover and snappy the next morning. When we did go on family holidays etc he seemed to always be looking for the next drink or an excuse to drink. He set our utility room on fire by putting the chip pan on when he was drunk and falling asleep. He nearly set the kitchen on fire by making cheese and toast whilst drunk in the grill then falling into a drunken sleep. Thankfully my mum had the sense to install fire alarms all over the house.

He was a functioning alcoholic until he wasn't!!!

He had a great career till he lost it through drink.

He has a marriage until my mum left him because of his drinking.

He had money and a nice lifestyle until he drank it all.

He had his health until his kidney and liver packed in due to liver cirrhosis at 53 years old.

He had young adult kids who watched him turn bright yellow and we're forced to make the decision to switch of his life support machines when they should have been making decisions about what film to watch with friends at the cinema that night.

He has lots grandkids he never saw because he died of multiple organ failure caused by alcohol abuse before they were born.

He has daughters he never got to walk down the aisle because he died before they married.

He died having of only caught a glimpse of his children as adults. He was a shell of the man I remember when I was very little before alcohol addiction took hold on him.

Watching what happened to my dad traumatised me for many years and it still has in some ways. Alcohol is addictive but it sounds like you can still stop. Please have a read of Catherine Gray the unexpected joy of being sober.

Ger1atricMillennial · 21/01/2025 20:05

To lay it out for you...

  1. Your drinking behaviour is secret, therefore you know it's a problem.
  2. You are experiencing physical symptoms i.e. back pain
  3. You have young dependent children that are at risk if something happens, and you are unable to look after them.
  4. In my experience addicts are unreliable narrators, even to themselves. This is important because your answers might not reflect reality for fear of judgement.

It sounds like you are in the "contemplation stage" or the getting ready stage in the behaviour change model of addiction.

Next steps. Get to AA, listen to other people. When you feel comfortable (and with the guidance of counsellors tell your husband. Also Rachels Holiday by Miriam Keyes is also an interesting read- especially the group therapy sessions.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/01/2025 20:06

I was diagnosed with liver disease aged 26.
If you're having back pain that is a symptom.
Please please try and cut down..
Vodka is absolutely ripping your stomach and liver to shreds. Drinking also causes osteperosis. Have you fallen when drunk? One day you won't be able to get up. I know. It happened to me.
I wish you well but please listen to us x

Strictlymad · 21/01/2025 20:13

Try reading this naked mind alcohol control, it’s purely information, not saying stop drinking just giving you facts about it. It certainly put me off.
also I understand you say you don’t drink and drive but what about if you need to drive? Afew years ago my dh was in hospital with heart trouble, I had a tiny bf baby so I left him to go home in the evening. He had bad news on blood results and they said he may need emergency surgery, he called his mum who said I can’t come and be with you I’ve been drinking (chose to drink after she knew what was going on)
my son fell suddenly ill with what turned out to be meningitis, there were no ambulances so we had to race him to a and e ourselves, he survived just. I that day vowed I would never ever be over the limit with the kids in my care, what of one of yours had an accident and you’d been drinking and couldn’t get them to the hospital?

Wittow · 21/01/2025 20:26

AA wasn't for me. I used this group for a while

https://www.theluckiestclub.com/

It's a really good online support network (although US based, there are UK friendly meeting times) - they do a free trial. You can't hope to stop drinking and STAY stopped without support.

Stop before it gets too hard to. Alcohol is so addictive you WILL get worse - the trajectory is only down.

The Luckiest Club // Online Sobriety Support Community

A dogma-free, compassionate place to recover from alcohol addiction and thrive in life.

https://www.theluckiestclub.com

PrinnyPree · 21/01/2025 20:27

My Dad was a functioning alcoholic, I didn't notice much when I was young, in fact the "fun parent" description rings a bell. It got much worse though, his mental health took a massive spiral and came to a head in my teens (diagnosed bipolar). My Mum ended up leaving him as he refused to get help for his mental health or the alcohol (even though he was drinking first thing in the morning by the end, "cleans your teeth" he used to say) and was becoming more and more verbally abusive and starting to feel like he was going to snap one day and turn to physical abuse. I was very frightened of him that last year.

He never really recovered, although my relationship with him improved when I no longer had to live with him, he slipped into being a shell of his former self though, and refused all help by the end. He even seemed to not want his adult kids to even visit for long, we'd come round and within a few minutes he'd try to make excuses for us to leave. I ended up just trying to clean his house a bit instead and take soiled clothes and sheets to wash. I also found the level of "capacity" before adult social care intervention was incredibly low.

I'm glad you're reaching out though, my Dad never recognised he had a problem so you have taken an incredibly important first step. You sound like a good Mum who really does care for her children, let them grow up with a Mum who doesn't let alcohol completely get its talons into you, because eventually you will no longer be in control and your kids won't matter as much anymore.

You've quit long enough for pregnancies so you can do it. And as others have recommended, get yourself to some Mum groups, open up your world where vodka isn't your only friend, and AA might be a good shout too.

Sending massive hugs and hope. Xx You can do it.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/01/2025 20:27

BobbyBiscuits · 21/01/2025 20:06

I was diagnosed with liver disease aged 26.
If you're having back pain that is a symptom.
Please please try and cut down..
Vodka is absolutely ripping your stomach and liver to shreds. Drinking also causes osteperosis. Have you fallen when drunk? One day you won't be able to get up. I know. It happened to me.
I wish you well but please listen to us x

Aged 26 with liver disease. Bloody hell. You must have been really going hell for leather.

I hope you are fighting fit now and enjoying life. All power to you.

Bestfootforward11 · 21/01/2025 20:32

Hello. Just to offer some thoughts. My father was an alcoholic. Now as an adult I can see he was frustrated and sad and I know he was diagnosed with a depression. He did not hide his drinking in that I often saw him drink but he hid the bottles all over the house. My mum would collect them up and put them in the bin but insist he didn’t really drink. The impact on me is (a) I don’t really drink much and (b) I have a constant sense of being on edge and that I need to adapt to other people’s moods. I find it difficult to address issues that arise because I’m used to things just not being talked about, I feel like I don’t know how.
I don’t drink but I have recently started to focus on looking after myself more. My motivation is that I want to be around for as long as I can for my daughter.
Life with young kids can be so hard. While of course one is lucky to have them and I’m sure you love them dearly, it can also feel utterly relentless on the day to day. I can’t make any suggestions re addressing the drinking because I don’t know answer and I can see lots of posters have made suggestions, the key thing is to get help. But I wonder if the reasons for the drinking are not dissimilar to my dad, you are frustrated, sad and maybe feel stuck.
it’s difficult when you are drinking to be fully aware how those around you see you. You likely think no one can tell. But on some level they really can and it’s this kind of unconscious dynamic that impacts people around you in ways that are difficult to fully understand.
You said you are bored and on that I can offer some suggestions but obviously are dependent on getting help with the drinking.
I think you need to carve out time for you. This will need a conversation with your husband. You need to commit time to being out of the house doing things you enjoy. Learning something new could be good so a class on whatever takes your fancy. Maybe the cinema on your own or with friends etc.
Daytime with the kids, out of the house, play groups etc and a coffee with a mum there.
Weekends, maybe a quick bite with a friend. Gym? There needs to be more shade to your days/weeks so you have things to look forward to. Hope this helps. Wishing you all the best.

HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats · 21/01/2025 20:32

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/01/2025 20:27

Aged 26 with liver disease. Bloody hell. You must have been really going hell for leather.

I hope you are fighting fit now and enjoying life. All power to you.

Liver disease is actually not directly connected with alcohol abuse. You could drink a bottle of vodka a night and still have a rather healthy and functioning liver.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/01/2025 20:36

@HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats now I'm confused. So you can drink a lot and still not develop liver disease? I thought it was a huge issue for concern.

Shrinkingrose · 21/01/2025 20:40

HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats · 21/01/2025 20:32

Liver disease is actually not directly connected with alcohol abuse. You could drink a bottle of vodka a night and still have a rather healthy and functioning liver.

I think you mean it’s not the onky thing directly linked to liver disease as alcohol abuse is a very common cause of cirrhosis of the liver.

HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats · 21/01/2025 20:41

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/01/2025 20:36

@HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats now I'm confused. So you can drink a lot and still not develop liver disease? I thought it was a huge issue for concern.

Yes. You could drink a lot and your liver could barely be affected. But I would not recommend it. You could utterly fuck yourself.
It's an organ that is affected on a case-by-case basis. And it has an incredible ability to repair itself. Don't risk it. Liver roulette is not a fun game.

HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats · 21/01/2025 20:42

Shrinkingrose · 21/01/2025 20:40

I think you mean it’s not the onky thing directly linked to liver disease as alcohol abuse is a very common cause of cirrhosis of the liver.

Nope. That's not what I meant.

beadystar · 21/01/2025 20:44

My aunt d

beadystar · 21/01/2025 20:47

My aunt did this. She managed to emotionally damage her three children for life, was out of the house in various psych and detox units by the time they were teenagers. Dead by her early fifties from liver failure. Not a life I'd choose.