I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

[Theblondewino]

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

You’ve been so brave posting here today. Do you feel like you’d be able to speak to a doctor? Any GP (or other HCP) would want to help you, especially as you’re getting increased back pain. Your children and husband deserve to have a happy and healthy mother with a bright future ahead of her.

Sending you best wishes whatever you decide to do.

my sister started like this. A few drinks while the kids were at nursery, a bottle of wine shared with the neighbours at lunchtime. Before long it was drinking to cope with life, all day every day. She went to AA many years ago and it saved her life. She’s had blips along the way but she was in a better place to cope with it. And trust me, your children will know. Her girls came to stay with me for a while and it was heartbreaking to listen to them tell me that mum wasn’t well and what she’d done. Her kids brought themselves up at times, even though family rallied around, they become very independent quickly. Do the right thing for yourself and your children and get some help. But YOU need to want to do it, it will only happen if you’re ready for change.

Back pain is a signal that you are becoming very unwell.
Make an appointment to see your doctor.
Be honest about your drinking.
Liver damage can be reversed if caught early enough but you have to commit to being alcohol free in order for that to happen.

Hello @Theblondewino - I'm sorry that you've found yourself here. But admitting that you might have a problem and needing to deal with it is a brave step to take.

I have been a heavy drinker in the past. A functioning alcoholic. I was "self medicating" with the hard stuff for a long time. The trouble is, you can develop a tolerance to it, so you need more and more to get the feeling that you crave. And your body can take it - until suddenly, one day, it can't. I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but have had a few “wobbles”. It's not easy but I can absolutely guarantee that it is worth it.

If you want to, have a look at this thread: The reality of the end | Mumsnet. It's not pleasant reading - but it helped me. It's what lies ahead for me if I don't keep myself sober. And, if you are drinking as you are, you probably ARE driving whilst over the limit. It stays in your system for longer than you think, even if you feel sober. If you have two double vodka + tonic drinks, it will be 14 hours from finishing the last glass before you will be under the drink drive limit (The Morning After Calculator – The Morning After | When will you be safe to drive?). If you are regularly "topping up" on the quiet, then it may be that you are actually never really under the limit.

There are some really helpful long-running moderation and abstinence threads on Mumsnet in the "Alcohol Support" section. They are friendly and welcoming and full of people who know what it's like. These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, "I Am Sober". Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. But honestly - please do cut down/stop before it's too late. You won't be able to mask it forever and the consequences will be long-lasting and grim, for you and all who love you. Is it worth risking everything for the sake of a few swigs of toxic release? Hopefully not.

Very best wishes to you. x

@PizzaPunk

I think that was someone else.

My children are my entire life and every single thing I do in a day (except the drinking) is for them.

Do you know being drunk in charge of a child is an offence?

Only in public.

Hi, sorry, there are a lot of replies and it's probably on here but I recommend the Jason Vale book. X

Get help OP. You deserve it, your kids deserve it and your husband deserves it. You will function until suddenly you won't - and it's awful to think of what that looks like. Alcohol only robs you, I promise - I know that as someone who is about to hit two years sober in March. You're numbing your life, and you're ruining your health and you are making your life so much smaller by making it revolve around the booze. If you were fine, you wouldn't be drinking tonnes of liquor and hitting the WEEKLY limit daily. I promise you sobriety is better - it's obviously tough at first, but my god does it bring back the colour of your life. You deserve to grow old and see your kids live their best lives, and you need to stay healthy (emotionally and physically!) for that. Good luck

Please get help, this is no way to live, the children deserve better, so do you! You are just sipping on poison all day! Yes alcohol is poison, why are there hangovers otherwise?

I really loved Catherine Gray's book Unexpected Joy of Being Sober and the Sober Diaries by Claire Pooley, others love This Naked Mind, Quit Like a Woman or We Are The Luckiest. Try anything that will help. Commit to six months off - you'll feel so much better at the end that you won't want to go back. Baby steps. I'll be thinking of you and cheering you on.

Are you bored OP? Being a stay at home mum? Traumatised and in need of therapy because your mother’s death and alcoholic father

I haven’t had chance to read the whole thread but as an adult child of an alcoholic, I plead with you to stop and get help.
I would advise coming clean to as many people as possible so they can all support you and you don’t have to keep repeating your justification of why you aren’t drinking in social settings.
you may think your husband has no clue, but he probably knows.
I always did.
I am one of four kids and despite watching my father die due to his alcoholism, 2 of my siblings are also secret alcoholics. Will drink soft drinks at family functions to create a fake show but will have already necked wine before they arrive. Everyone knows, they just all play dumb.
I now attend Al anon and have also been to multiple open AA meetings to build compassion for the addict. I ended up marrying one!
im messed up in so many ways due to my dads addictions- trust issues, people pleasing, control freak, dysfunctional relationships, risk taking behaviours. It destroyed me.
your kids are young so you have a chance to break your family cycle but time is running out.
only you can do it, for them if not you!
good luck!

(‘The unexpected joy of being sober’ was the best alcohol related book I’ve read and I’ve read a lot!!)

You need to stop this.
I think vodka is the most addictive drink of all as it sooo easy to neck.
I was at a point without realising about 15 years ago that I didn't feel settled if a bottle of vodka and bottles of tonic weren't in the fridge.
Exh put his foot down and threatened to tell my parents which luckily snapped me out of it.Good luck

Please get to the doctors about the back pain. Id be very worried about kidney issues or liver issues as you'd feel it as a pain in the back. Please be honest with the doctor about how much you drink.

It could be kidney pain, it’s easy to become dehydrated when you are an alcoholic.

Close friend is a recovering alcoholic. We all knew, can spot a relapse at 100 yards and she would lie black was white to hide her secret drinking when she does. She looked the part, the children were immaculate, house spotless… until it wasn’t then it slipped very quickly.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2ebY3WNejLNbK47emgjd1E?si=h7riCqgNR52o4KzOQLJlKA

Admittedly, I didn't drink as much as you, but this really changed my perception of drink.

I listened to a davina maccoll podcast recently ‘begin again’ alcohol - the unseen damage. Was pretty good but at the end they tell you about a link to a free online stop drinking course. Worth a listen

I have not RTFT to check if someone has already posted this link, but even if they have, here it is again.

Fantastic charity and they help everybody affected by a parent’s drinking, even adults with adult parents.
https://nacoa.org.uk

OP, more book recommendations if PPs haven't mentioned them: The Easy Way to Control Alcohol by Allen Carr, and This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. They changed my life. You also need to talk to your husband about how unhappy and isolated you feel in this situation. Maybe a part-time job would help, a childminder, a new hobby, time for yourself? Address both the addiction and the factors driving you to seek refuge in it. Good luck, you can do this!

As the child of a " secret functioning alcoholic". They know. They will always know. You aren't hiding it.

This. Oh OP, this won’t be as ‘secret’ as you think. Please seek help while you have a degree of control over the situation.

I wish there was a way for MN to be able to report threads like this to the relevant authorities to check the welfare of the kids 😔

Please don’t do this to your children. I’m still unpacking and processing gut wrenching, confusing memories and thoughts at 24 (in fact, I’ve only just gotten started)

ETA sorry this was my very emotional first reaction. It’s good and brave that you have admitted it. You have the strength to change your life, if you want to.

Approaching 10 years sober here, having stopped at around your age. It was very difficult for the first few weeks, tough for the first few months, tricky for the first year (particularly as each milestone went by). But it got easier and easier and now I very rarely even think about having a drink - although not absolutely never. I really enjoy Lucky Saint alcohol free beer and Natureo alcohol free red is not at all bad. I'd strongly recommend this book - https://www.amazon.co.uk/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness/dp/0525537236

Stopping drinking is the biggest act of kindness I have ever given myself. It's like accessing a magic portal to more time, more energy, better mental health. We've had some difficult family issues to negotiate over the past few years, and it really frightens me to think how I would've handled those (or not!) if I was still drinking.

There are lots of good sobriety podcasts / instagram accounts etc out there now - it's a whole way of life and not a choice that you have to feel alone in.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but there's no way your parenting isn't impacted by your drinking. It will only get worse as they get older and you inevitably drink more. This only goes in one direction unless you take action to stop it. The fact you posted suggests you're ready to do that. It doesn't have to happen on Jan 1st or on a Monday. You can just stop today and transform the rest of your life and your kids' lives for the better. Good luck.