I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

[Theblondewino]

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

@Theblondewino Do you want to continue this thread or draw a line under it now? I am concerned that you might be fielding a bit too much now and the themes are repeating themselves which could undo a bit of the positive work you have done here. Are you up for it? You OK to go on?

If not you can post your thanks and step away to settle and reflect. We will be OK with that and if in time you want to start another thread I’m sure many here will be happy to talk again if they’re around.

Some of us may sound angry but bear in mind that we are dealing often with anger towards our own loved addict, none of us know you, take on the messages but don’t take it all inside you as yours.

Alcoholics have a life expectancy of 2 decades less than average. So you'd be looking at dying in your 50s.

My friend was a functioning SAHM alcoholic - until she wasn’t.

She died in delirium and distress behaving completely out of character. It was an awful way to die and she left behind two fairly young children.

Don’t let that be you. You’ve stopped before on conception to assist with successful pregnancies. Now your children are here, you need to stop to enable them to grow up successfully. They need you as much, if not more, than when they were in your womb.

Think of it as your stepping stone to one day at a time without alcohol.

Hi OP, here is a link to the AA website. It has the National Helpline number, find a meeting function and there is a chat option too.

If you call the helpline number you may speak to someone in another part of the country. They will take your first name and the best number to contact you on and then behind the scenes a series of phone calls will be made to find someone local, typically another women, to you to call you for a chat. Anyone you speak to will be an alcoholic in recovery. There is nothing you can tell them that will they will find shocking. They will encourage you to go to a meeting and may agree to meet you there at the door so you don't have to walk in alone. You do not need to give detailed or identifying information and they will not pester you if you are not interested.

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

You can go to any meeting, let them know it's your first meeting and someone should explain the format of the meeting to you and get you a tea or coffee. You will find a warm welcome.

Not everyone likes AA but you should make up your own mind. Go to a few meetings, listen for the similarities not the differences and keep an open mind.

I hope you find a way to stop, alcoholism always gets worse, never better and it doesn't just just kill through alcohol related diseases. Accidents whilst drunk have taken the lives of many alcoholics I've known.

i don't think one and a bit vodkas makes you an alcoholic.

My mate is an alcoholic and I am sure she thinks she's is 'functioning' but she absolutely isn't. It's really obvious when she's pissed (any time from about 10am onwards) because she staggers, slurs, her eyes roll in her head, and she repeats herself endlessly. She also shags dodgy blokes. She is nearly 60. I've almost never seen her drink because she does it in secret. She definitely thinks she's hiding it from everyone and nobody has noticed, but it's openly talked about in our circle of friends, particularly as her husband died of alcoholism and she's heading down the same route.

Just sharing because it might not be the secret you think it is. I'm not judging - I've tried to get help for my friend but it's impossible as she won't admit she's got a problem - but hope you manage to sort yourself out.

Honestly as your kids grow up they will notice. My aunt was an alcoholic and even as a 6-8 year old I knew when something was different (alcohol).

I think accepting that you have an issue and don't want to do this anymore is a good step. Access help if you can through your gp or a voluntary service. It will be hard on your own.

Remember alcohol is a depressant and it is not your friend!

I think generally our attitude to regular/daily drinking has become unhealthy. I know people say they have a glass with dinner or a drink in the evening to unwind or whatever but it never stays that way it gets to 2 glasses, half a bottle, a bottle and then 2. That's what I mean when I say alcohol is not your friend.

I don’t think you know much about alcoholism (nor read much of this thread)

Saw a good interview with Millie Macintosh the other day who used to be on Made In Chelsea whose drinking ramped up after having her children. She has now stopped.
I am in my 50’s and the effects at my age when someone has been drinking as much as you are dire. Have one friend who has been told that she won’t live a year if she picks up a drink due to advanced liver disease.
Try and forget about labels we place on people who drink. Consider therapy and look at how and why you have got to the place you are in now.
You are a clearly a good mum in many ways but you are keeping a major secret from your DH and that eventually destroys a marriage.
The good thing is that you recognise this is a major issue, you are sick of it, and want to do something about it.
I would definitely look at therapy and also getting support. You can try an AA meeting online while you are at home.
My only advice is don’t kid yourself into cutting down or trying to use controlled drinking. It rarely works.
You children deserve a sober and present mum. They may be fine now but children are wily creatures.

Have you corrected that this could be liver or kidney damage? I drink a lot more than I should and I have had a few bits of back pain when drinking regularly. It got wise and then one weekend it was really bad. I went out with friends, had a few beers and called it a night. Woke up at 3 am with horrific hip pain and had to be rushed to hospital. Turned out after 2/3 days of tests and it getting worse that I needed the hip joint aspirated. I had an infected hip caused/triggered by gout in that joint. And they directly linked it back to my blood tests and and told me it was linked to drinking alcohol. I stepped right back, went T total for a while but then slowly slipped back into it. Woke up after the same sort of pain with awful chest pains. Turned out I’ve now got gall stones. Directly linked that to drinking through blood tests. I’m 45 and ask of these problems have arrived in the last two years from me putting my body through this awful stress by drinking too much.

it might not be affecting you badly NOW, but it’s an accumulative process.

and I promise you, no matter how hard you cover it, there is NO ALCOHOL that doesn’t smell. You breathe it out on your breath, it sweats out of your pores and you can smell it 100%.

and getting very red faced when you drink is linked to intolerance, you should google that. again, it’s accumulation over time and your body is already showing the warning signs.

OP your posts make me sad. You say clearly that you drink to cope with painful emotions. It sounds so very lonely. I have a friend who one day, out of the blue, confessed to having been a secret drinker. She was extremely well-presented, attractive and well off, and I would never have guessed. But it explained so much about her past behaviour, her reticence, her bouts of self-isolation.

You've been coping this way for more than half your life. I feel sorry for your 16-year-old self, who should have been offered a better way to cope, and for all the secretiveness, the desperate strategising, the fear of embarrassment, the little lies that have been part of your life for so long to keep up this habit.

Change can't be easy. But there's a whole different version of yourself that could emerge if you actively look for different ways to handle emotions. Well, a number of different versions, and for it to be a happy one, I'm guessing you need connections with others above all. Not just your husband (though I hope very much that he will be supportive). You need real-life friends, and just human contact, even if it's sitting in a cafe and talking to the barista.

Sorry, this sounds both obvious and patronising (sorry!), but sometimes the obvious things are true (and not so obvious in practice).

This is a big project. Look at everything. Is there a kind of job you'd like to have? Can you get childcare? Whichever way you go about it, I wish you all the best.

Back pain sounds like your kidneys are struggling.

Red face is Common with alcoholics. The capiliaries are damaged and come close to the surface, what’s not so visible is your blood vessels also swell.

in addition it is also as the body can’t digest it, moving back to liver and kidneys disease,

the op needs to see her doctor urgently,

my advice - tell someone in real life, stop the secrecy, go AA

If you drink because it relaxes you, it would be healthier for you and safer for your young children if you took some anti anxiety medication from the doctor.

I really would knock this on the head, the worst outcome for you would be one of your little ones having an accident in your care and medical staff realising you were intoxicated. Could you imagine the chaos that this would bring to your life? This alone would be all I needed to stop. You've been lucky so far, keep it that way.

You can do it when you want it enough 🙂

@Theblondewino My Dad died in his 40s from alcoholism, everything is fine until it's not. I miss him so much. You need to address the root issues.

No I haven't.

I really feel for you, but at the end of the day, alcoholism is an unhealthy coping mechanism for previously experienced trauma, you need to get some relational psychotherapy from a qualified therapist - look up the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (bacp) and choose someone experienced in bereavement (you mentioned that stirred up feelings about the death of your mum makes you want to drink) and alcoholism, which will allow you a safe space to work through those feelings.
as the child of a (now dead) alcoholic, I beg you to do this asap for your children’s sake.

What do you do with all your empties if you Dh doesn't know? Are you hiding them?

I'm sorry to say this will not end well if you don't take measures to stop. I can guarantee if you are drinking vodka, the smell will be noticeable to others, maybe your DH is overlooking it or isn't sure, but when your kids start nursery, the staff/other parents will notice and report it. You could be charged with child neglect/endangerment and have childrens services being very involved in your life.Please think about this.

I’ll second Alcohol Explained it’s a very good book.

I have never been digitally strangled before.

It's a good step you're taking in admitting there is an issue. Do you feel able to make a doctors appointment to talk to them about it? They will be able to point you in the right direction. You cannot just stop drinking, that is really dangerous. When my friend went to the alcohol unit they told her it is one of the most dangerous things to withdraw from, you have to gradually cut down. If you are the point of wanting to stop please do it with expert guidance rather than just stopping.

Well done for reaching out today. x

Sadly alcoholics never, ever drink less. Its always more.

What this poster drank at the height of her alcoholism may not be where you are yet. But it's where you'll end up.

No-one starts out as a fall down drunk.

Its insidious.

This quote always resonates with me.

Get a blood test now to check how your liver and pancreas are coping. Don't ignore the back pain. Even if it's shocking and confronting to hear the results from a GP when you want to pretend everything is normal it's best to know the reality of what you're dealing with now rather than wake up terrified in the middle of the night and have to wait for an ambulance. You gave up drinking when pregnant so it's not like there's no hope.