Hello, I'm a TRA - ask me anything

[AlphaTransWoman]

Good evening,

I'm a transgender rights advocate. I say "advocate" rather than "activist" because I believe in constructive debate and consensus building rather than the hostile, shouty kind of activism that gets us nowhere.

I am here because I am genuinely interested in seeing if there is some kind of compromise that can be reached between pro trans and gender critical views. Obviously this is difficult because we may disagree about something pretty fundamental. I feel passionately that trans women are women (at least in the psychological and social sense), so there's an obvious divide if you do not.

The question is, can we find ways to co-exist and find an acceptable way forward on some of the difficult issues that arise around trans acceptance? So I'm happy to have a go answering anything you care to ask in good faith. Who knows, we might even make some progress.

@Brefugee
I've deliberately avoided the term "cis" her as I'm aware some GC feminists find it offensive, although I personally regard is as a neutral opposite to "trans". Goading each other with terminology we don't like to be referred to with is pointless.

Girls definitely can be just like that - worked at a school doing exams last summer and when one girl finished her exams she waited for another girl to come out and beat her up. She had one final exam she did with slight concussion and needing a scribe as she couldn’t use her hand

have you had proper not gender conversion therapy I am starting to see why you don’t like the idea of being a man

I'm glad you'd rather be on team kind than team nasty. Me too. But again, I know a great many men and boys who are on team kind, and even more women and girls who are on team nasty.

I'm sorry for you that you have clearly grown up with some very ingrained beliefs about the personality traits that men and women have. I hope you don't find it disrespectful of me to say that it seems awfully like you grew up with the belief that you couldn't be kind, soft, gentle and caring without being a woman (and if you do find that disrespectful, I sincerely apologise). That's the patriarchy for you, it teaches the bullshit that men have to be dominant, strong, competitive, aggressive, successful etc. The patriarchy teaches that to be a man who is soft, kind, loving, gentle, mild, timid, who fails at things, who gets lost or who is caring about others is to be lacking.

The patriarchy is god damn awful and damaging to both men and to women.

I'm sincerely sorry for you that you learnt as a child that you couldn't be a boy who was kind and gentle.

Regardless of how you identify, no boy should be taught that. And no girl should be taught the equivalent.

We women spend our entire lives trying to undo the social conditioning we are programmed with as kids and still throught our lives. I believe that women have made reasonable progress in seeing through and identifying it for the crap that it is.

I see that men are slowly starting to realise that it is harmful to them too. I think the process is going to take longer for men though. Not least because they still widely benefit from it.

I truly do wish you the very best with unpacking all of this. Whilst we on mumsnet are predominantly female (ok, I'll even add cis female just this once) and predominantly occupied with the damage that is done to female sexed women and girls, different damage is concurrently and has always been being done to male sexed boys and men.

😁 I have a son & a daughter. One is a sweet, kind pacifist, the other - well you don’t mess with her!

(I cross posted but even though I used it once in my post you are right that we don't like the term cis. Thank you for avoiding it, I had noticed that you didn't seem to use it. )

To be fair, I think the school I went to was a bit chauvinistic when it came to gender roles. I recall a games teacher literally using the term "woman" as an insult to boys (like me) who were crap at sport. Maybe that sort of thing wouldn't be allowed these days.

If I go into the office it will be a dark suit and smart blouse because it makes me feel confident to dress like a boss.

well if you ask the people who report to me, they will tell you that today i wor Docs, black jeans and an Iron Maiden T-shirt. Yesterday i wore Docs, black jeans and a Fischer Z t-shirt. My partner (work) wore shorts, an orange polo shirt and Vans. But he's challenged himself to wear shorts every day this year.
out of about 10 women and 15 men nobody wore a dress on any day at work this week

I find that very surprising. I've always associated picking on people weaker than you just because you can to be characteristically male behaviour while females tend to support each other. But then again I went to an all boys school, so I have no direct experience of how girls treat each other.

Boss apparel may be dependent on one's chosen line of work. I'm a accountant.

Oh dear, your research on womaning is obviously missing the whole book a chapter or two.

Are you sexually attracted to women or men? Do you have a wife/husband/long term partner?

and I'm in business consulting.
I used to work for one of the big 4. No women wore suits, not even partners, except to client meetings.

You're still not answering the difficult questions though. Colour me shocked.

i think that is just rose coloured glasses - it was an all girls school and in my 6 months there 3 expulsions occurred due to violent behaviour.

bullying and unpleasant behaviour can be just as prevalent in girls - violent crimes etc a step up is more male driven due to testosterone but low level stuff is just the same.

I assume you were bullied at school and felt different and it is that which has caused you to want to retreat into a womens world that you have painted in your head as being like Barbies world - but as the film pointed out the real world is very different

I'm attracted to women, but I don't relate to women in the way that a typical man would. I tend to be passive and emotionally dependent. I would consider myself to be a lesbian, although I realise many people here object to be describing myself as such.

I am happily married, but I would rather say no more on that.

I find that very surprising. I've always associated picking on people weaker than you just because you can to be characteristically male behaviour while females tend to support each other. But then again I went to an all boys school, so I have no direct experience of how girls treat each other.

You have no idea, OP, no idea! You're just so wrong on this.

Many, many, many girls and women are experts in honing in on other females they perceive to be weaker and going in for the kill.

I think your experiences at school have created an idea of what a man is and it is so negative that you can’t bear the idea of being one. To the extent that you had the way you looked in the mirror because you saw a man. Then rather than having counselling/therapy to unpick your childhood trauma and move on you saw someone who gave you the idea that you were a woman. Suddenly you could be someone different and not the man in the mirror you hated. You could be the things you wanted to be, free to wear what you wanted.

yet you still don’t feel safe around men hence your need to avoid anywhere they may be and any idea that you yourself share characteristics with them.

but women aren’t the set of characteristics you give them - we can be mean, horrible, angry and aggressive.

there is nothing wrong with being you, I think therapy could have really benefitted you

Why do you think pronouns he/she refer to gender? I mean (and I think most people do) sex when I use them. I’m genuinely confused as to why you believe people are referring to anything else.

I think your childhood experiences have completely fucked up skewed your perspective.

There are plenty of passive and emotionally dependent men, and plenty of women who aren't. And it's interesting and depressing that you think passivity and emotional dependence are female traits and because you are that way you must be a woman.

The patriarchy and gender stereotyping has done you immense damage.

And it's utterly utterly tragic that you have now become part of the problem, that your beliefs and actions are helping to keep such damaging ideologies firmly in place instead of smashing them to pieces so that everyone can just be who they are without prejudice.

You cannot be serious. Women and girls do this at least as much as boys/men. They often (not always) have different tactics. Psychological, rather than physical.

I mean, have you spent any time on MN? We’re known as the ‘nest of vipers’. People are utterly vicious to one another. Maybe they’re not physically beating each other up, but they’re being really awful to each other.

You often see posters on here saying they don’t get on with women because they’re ‘bitches’, ‘cows’, etc - men are so much easier.

Ever heard the term ‘Queen Bee’? This is the popular girl at school who excludes (at best) other girls, and is downright unkind and hurtful (at worst).

I really hope you’re getting some insights from this thread

Exactly this. The OP might feel aggrieved at being misgendered but he’ll be correctly sexed - and the option rooted in actual science wins every time.

Thank you - that's a good one.

For me, pronouns have a lot of emotional loading. So I associate "He" (as in "He-Man") with masculinity and all the (mostly negative) things that entails. When I hear "She", I immediately think in terms of someone who is vulnerable and needs to be cared for, but is also a caring person.

So when people use the pronoun "he" in reference to me, I feel bad about it, because I assume they are ascribing masculine characteristics to me which I dislike. I don't regard them as neutral terms describing one's body type - although I appreciate some choose to use them in this way.

I have a question for you, OP.

Why can’t you just be you?

Why can’t you expand the bandwidth of what it means to be a man.

By being a man your way. Wear a dress, if you like. Grow your hair long. Wear make-up.

Don’t you think this is far, far more progressive, and ultimately a force for good - much more so, than confirming to, and reinforcing damaging, harmful, regressive, sexist stereotypes?

You are you - you’re good enough as you. Accept you, and be the you, you want to be.

Break down the sociological barriers that hold both you, and we women, back. Don’t build them up.

Well, maybe somewhat alarmed by the gunpoint thing!

I am not vulnerable though abd I don’t need to be cared for, I am caring but so is my make partner we care for each other.

can’t you see that all of this is caught up in some clearly negative experiences that has caused you to not want to associate with being a man.

thank you though for further highlighting to me that a lot of this is caused by the belief that outwardly changing your pronouns/gender/appearance will fix whatever emotional damage has been caused. For you retreating to the idea of what a woman is helps and you cannot I think understand why women don’t like it because it doesn’t fit with your idea of what a women should be.

please seek some help at fixing the damage and trauma you have inside

When I hear "She", I immediately think in terms of someone who is vulnerable and needs to be cared for, but is also a caring person.

God. This makes me want to veer wildly between 😡🤬 and 😥

Dear lord