I’m a SAHM AMA

[Annonymousse22]

Being a SAHM seems to be such an issue to a lot of people on here so feel free to AMA 😅

I don’t unless he’s in bed really but that’s fine 🤷‍♀️ He has one to one time with him on mornings when he’s not working as well.

He does get a few hours of time to himself (depending on when he’s working) throughout the week but he’s there if I need him to help.

We spend time together most nights too and usually watch a show together

Everyone is different 🤷‍♀️ Working full time would make my health decline a lot so it’s not really an option for me. If I had the option and the ability then maybe things would be different but that’s not my life so I guess I’ll never know 🤷‍♀️

I understand that but I feel like most people will be worried about their future whether they are married or not. Life is so unpredictable and with the way the world is (Covid and now the cost of living crisis) job security is a mess, living costs are far too much and most people on average wages will never be able to afford their own home and you don’t know if you will even get to pension age 😰

Not to be morbid but being married makes a big difference should the worst happen. I was married and it meant that everything was much simpler. There was no quibbling about who decided what, getting access to bank accounts, insurance, pensions etc. All I needed was that piece of paper and I was set. I decided everything, I got access to everything and everything became mine. Whether to get married is a choice every couple needs to make for themselves. But be under no illusions that it makes no difference - it does. And it need not just be a difference in the future. I never expected to be widowed at 36 but I was.

@Annonymousse22 - you could work part time a few weeks then need a few months off?! But you're capable of being a full time mum - doesn't make sense - if you can be a mum why can't you have a job that's not taxing on your body without the need for all that sickness - you're contradicting yourself

Here’s the differences between just cohabiting boyfriend +girlfriend and marriage https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Have you made plans for what you would do if your boyfriend dumped you, or died? Having chosen to leave yourself hugely vulnerable by being dependent on a boyfriend, with zero legal protections you must have at least thought about it?

I don’t really understand how being with the kids all day, you say you get no time to yourself so they’re not in school, is less taxing than a part time job? Kids are hard work physically and mentally, plus the housework.

We are reliant on each other, yes. In that we need our combined (fairly equal) income to pay our joint mortgage, bills, car etc. But we could separate and be fine financially. I'd never put myself in a situation where this wasn't the case.

OP can you help us understand this logic of "everything is so unstable right now" - as n excuse to leave yourself vulnerable?

So - everything is so unstable right now - and thus one decides to embrace even more vulnerability in the face of it? There's been a pandemic - and thus one needs no pension? There's been an attack on Ukraine and the cost of living has soared, and it was all unexpected - and thus - we need no security, stability, pensions, or investments?

What's the logic there?

Yes things are unstable - but amidst that instability, there are some folks who've got safeguards in place for various things - and then there's you - in the same instablity globally - hoping for handouts when you age?

What's the logic there please as you've mentioned this "all is unstable" a few times now.

It’s completely different. I’ve tried and I can’t do it. You can get help looking after a child if you need it. You can stay in and watch tv all day if you can’t face going outside. You can call a parent to come help. You can do lots of things as a SAHM that you can’t as an employee.

It’s completely different. You can get help looking after a child if you need it. You can stay in and watch tv all day if you can’t face going outside. You can call a parent to come help. You can do lots of things as a SAHM that you can’t as an employee. Maybe it’s different for others but my child is really independent and happily plays by himself (I’m always there but he mostly wants to just do things by himself) so on hard days I can mostly just leave him to it. Plus if I really needed to I could call my mum or my partners mum.
As for the housework, if I can’t face it then I don’t do it that day/do the minimal amount.

Do you have any children? Looking after children is really nothing like not having a job and also not looking after children....

OP I understand what you're saying about economic instability but I do think you're also burying your head in the sand about your financial future. Im sure your relationship will last, but if it didn't you have no job, no pension, no assets. Your DP could wander off and leave you in the shit with nothing and all the costs of parenting to bear. If I were you I would consider marriage.

Yes I have two children, I've always worked and always wondered what SAHMs do all day.
I'm now in the temporary position where I'm home all day and still wondering what SAHMs do all day...there's only so much cleaning, meal prep and shopping that needs done and it still leaves hours and hours to fill. I've been doing various thing to fill my time but it would get really dull long term.

What a weird comment. Obviously the age of the children makes a huge difference here... and you haven't stated the ages of yours. The fact you've mentioned galleries, reading and lunches with friends suggests they are school age.

I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and they need constant surveillance and engagement and can do almost nothing for themselves, I'm certainly not reading and visiting galleries all day.

I understand you op.
I couldn't work while my kids were young.
There's no good people coming on saying everyone else manages. I didn't have the executive function to cope with raising small children to an appropriate level, fed, safe washed, clothed on a day to day level, and also work. I barely managed to look after myself, remember to drink or eat, or wash so it just wasn't feasible.
The times I did try I ended up shouting and screaming at my toddler; it's better if we recognise our limits.
I couldn't even organise anyone to help me, even the thought process of communicating where things were in my house seemed more strenuous than doing it myself.
The idea of sharing the burden to me is worse than doing it all. When you struggle like I do, all of this coordinated effort is just not worth it. Who's doing this that the other? Takes effort. No good someone else asking where stuff is, I'll still have to root round the whole house before I find it.

I very much suspect I have adhd. my kids are now older teens, I work part time. I still find I unknowingly stop basic care for myself if I take on too much. Don't eat or drink because other things push them out of my mind until I stop at the end of the day and realise .
If you knew me very well you might suspect something, otherwise you'd have no idea at all.

Yes I have two children, I've always worked and always wondered what SAHMs do all day. I'm now in the temporary position where I'm home all day and still wondering what SAHMs do all day...there's only so much cleaning, meal prep and shopping that needs done and it still leaves hours and hours to fill
I find the opposite to be true, I wonder how I found time to work before! Lots of get together with friends for our mutual hobby, admin, dog walking, gardening and especially support for my elderly parents.

This is such an odd post. Do you also wonder what nannies do all day?

I suppose I should have said nursery and school aged children. My parents still work full time so don't require 'support', no dog (I don't want one) and most of my friends are also at work during the day. I have been doing lots of walks and reading things like that, which is lovely for the short term but I wouldn't find it very fulfilling in the long term and I'd need to be much more careful about spending if I didn't have my own income.
Caring for toddlers is slightly different I suppose but even on mat leave I found myself with lots of time to fill once the house stuff was done.

You really should get married. You are very vulnerable right now. Does he not want to marry you?

What the OP is probably referring to is that if she works part time on top of being a parent and running a home eventually she will burn out due to her disability.

I understand what she is meaning. No need to be deliberately obtuse!

@MathsNervous - firstly OP has no sense of what the future is, or dealing with it in any kind of way except 🤷‍♀️ which is very child-like and she needs to consider her place in the world, how she's going to take care of herself in the future and her family. Suggesting the government picks up is lame, people can retrain in other jobs that can be more flexible and even WFH these days, so many people shout 'disability' and don't mentally work out what they can actually do.
Her partner should pick ip more work in the house if she's going to work, doesn't sound like h does much from a previous comment.
Lastly, what about a sense of self achievement, personal development and actually feeling like you're engaged with the world, benefits are fine because a lot of people need them at one time or another but planning your life around the public purse paying for you without any kind of self awareness of the drain on the country as a 'career' option and lack of get-up-and-go to sort herself out is pretty 🤬🤬🤬🤯🤯🤯🤬🤬🤬

... and why is questioning somebody about inconsistencies being deliberately obtuse?!

But the OP has said she has tried it and working part time didn't work out. If you have a disability where you can work so many hours and you burn out ( it does happen for some people) then what's to query about it? We are all different. If she can't do, she can't do it.

Just be thankful you have your health. Not everyone is as fortunate.

You mentioned having SAHM friends OP. Do you encounter any negative attitudes towards mothers that do work?

I’ve taken DC to playgroups when I’ve been off work, or on maternity leave, and I’ve had groups of SAHM’s shut me out entirely and refuse to speak to me if the topic of working comes up. One has openly said she didn’t see the point in building a friendship with me as I’d be back at work soon I guess feeling judged is an unfortunate outcome no matter what what you decide.

Actually I don't, neither does my brother and my mum ... we all worked and adapted accordingly. OP hasn't said what the issues are but being a full time mum and looking after a home is often more stressful than sone jobs! ... far too many people just rely on benefits when they could be flexible and adapt themselves