I’m a SAHM AMA

[Annonymousse22]

Being a SAHM seems to be such an issue to a lot of people on here so feel free to AMA 😅

But what difference does it make? Surely to benefit in this way your partner would have to be earning a lot of money and you would own a house ect.?

Not really. I mean, it would be really hard if we broke up for more than just financial reasons but I can’t see how being married would make it any better. You don’t have to be married to be expected to contribute to the child. He’s not rich. We don’t own a house so what would I get?

Probably not 🤷‍♀️

I do get Child Benefit.

My little one is almost 2 years old and I love being with him all the time and getting to see him grow, develop and experience new things!! Kids grow up so fast and I can’t imagine missing out on this special time ❤️

You would have a claim on his assets (pension, savings, money in bank accounts with only his name on, any stocks and shares, basically anything he owns)

I don’t like it but it does grate that I’m exhausting myself working full-time and paying tax to support myself in old age and my family now while OP and others just vaguely think ‘oh the government will help in old age won’t they?’ Yes they might, probably less than you think and from people who have struggled and paid taxes for years. Yes focus should be on tax-dodging corporations etc etc but come on. I’d rather be at home with my 2 year old more too; I can’t while ensuring reasonably stability for us all now and into the future.

You’re brave, OP!

I was a SAHM for a decade, I don’t regret that time with my children.

That’s your choice though and other people’s choices don’t affect that. Maybe you’ll be in a better position in old age, presumably you are working now because you believe it’s the right thing for your family? Others have made different choices and in some cases have sacrificed that future security for the now.

but their choices don’t just affect them when they’re knowingly relying on things like pension credit (as the OP likely is) to survive into the future. Pensions are already by far the most expensive of the benefits and cost the state huge amounts of money without knowingly not contributing, taking more than average and claiming ‘I just couldn’t miss this special time’ I’d rather not either, those who work do still love their children. OP’s case obviously changed by the fact she had a disability but no work until school age and then maybe something term-time only just feels beyond luxurious. If you can afford it, great. If you can’t, you can’t.

I think, the seeming naïveté in the OP’s posts, and the tick tick tick bingo card happening for numerous known MN SAHM warnings - is slightly beginning to wave a red flag for me….. the posts just feel so…….like a bingo card.

Because while he works he is building up his pension pot (basically a big savings account for old age) which the government (as well as his work) adds to in the form of tax relief. If the relationship breaks down he has the ability to work + his pension + state pension + any benefits he's entitled to.
If he decides to leave you or you have to leave then you'll be left with nothing bur whatever benefits you can wrangle. If you were married you'd be entitled to a proportion of that pension. If you're not married and he is not paying into a pension for you then he's keeping all those perks to himself, only sharing them so long as you're in a relationship.

I have worked in childcare and have a qualification in it

I guess just having that one to one time and having me there whenever they need me. Continuing to breastfeed is obviously easier as well. But I think from working and having placements in some childcare settings the biggest benefit is probably keeping them safe as I’ve seen some things that I wouldn’t want my child to experience.

I'd just like to add that I think being a SAHM is an enormously valuable and hard job. But doing so when you aren't married to the children's father is extremely foolish and leaves your financial security, and that of your children, entirely at the whim of someone who has not / will not commit to the setup with a simple contract (marriage).

I cant fathmon why you dont feel guilty about claiming benefits when you could work even part time. Benefits should be for people who need then. People with young children work and cant see their kids grow up but are paying tax so you can stay at home and see yours. I say this as a disabled person who also cant work full time

I think with the way the world is right now we’re all likely to have difficult futures so giving my child the best possible life before they understand all that seems really valuable to me. Anything can go wrong in life. In a world where you could be stabbed, robbed, end up homeless ect. isn’t it worth just living for the now? You never know what could happen tomorrow. Life is so unpredictable. We might not even get to pension age 😩

We’re just not 🤷‍♀️

Almost 2

I wouldn't phrase it like that. Yes my lifestyle would change if DH and I split up, but so would his. Financially we are reliant on each other in that sense.

You’d need legal advice but you may be able to get spousal support and claim on his pension. As it is being unmarried you might get nothing (other than child maintenance).

I’m not sure how to answer this. It is very hard for me to work and when I say I will look for part time work when he is in school there is no guarantee that I will be successful. My disability makes it so that I could potentially work part time (a few hours a day) for a few weeks and then need a 2 month break. It is very hard to predict and not many employers are understanding. It is not like I could get a job with a set amount of hours a week and turn up and just do it. We probably have very different needs.

I'm self employed and work part time. So I claim disability benefits to subsidise my income which I feel incredibly guilty about even though im disabled so much that I shouldnt be working at all. I over exert myself in order to do it which I dont expect anyone else to do and I dont mind my tax going to people who genuinly cant work to give them a quality of life. But when you see people who could work even part time but choose not to so they can claim benefits and watch their kids grow up, which is lovely, I still feel incredibly resentful that I pay towards that when working people are funding those families and missing out on that experience themselves and that feels very wrong

I understand that as I know someone who stayed home with their children and is now looking for part time work as they are at school but they are able to work

Yes and no. It sounds like there are more benefits for us as we have significant assets.

But the biggest benefit would be the rules around pensions. In divorce pensions are considered along with any other financial assets. And if your DH were to die you could receive some of his pension. This is from the MSE website

"If your spouse or civil partner dies, you may be able to get extra payments from their pension or national insurance contributions, as long as you’ve not already built up the full basic state pension entitlement yourself, as well as inherit some of their additional state pension.
Exactly how much depends on a range of factors such as retirement date and more. And if you’re not at state pension age yourself and you remarry before you reach it, you won’t be entitled to it. There’s more info on the exact rules on the Gov's state pension website.

It’s also worth noting many workplace, personal and private pension schemes will only pass on benefits to a surviving partner if the couple had been married."

https://blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2018/06/martin-lewis--is-there-any-point-in-being-married-/

I should do some research into the benefits.

Please consider getting married to protect yourself. Men love to say nothing would change, it's just a piece of paper etc. it's not.