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I've got Oxbridge educated professional parents - from an affluent area - my partner was brought up on a council estate by parents on benefits AMA

103 replies

SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 18:01

This basically!! AMA!!!!

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 20/02/2023 18:53

SlaveToTheVibe · 20/02/2023 18:47

Who cares? My husband and all his family went to Oxford…. Nobody cares apart from social climbing twats like my dad IME

This is just reverse snobbery, though. Employers care, for starters. Someone who's been to Oxford is going to carry a huge amount of privilege with them through their life.

And your parents' level of education does shape you, doesn't it? My MIL (working class, without much education) was obviously a hugely conscientious, education-focussed parent. I know she felt really strongly about getting her kids to do their homework and felt it was really important they learned to read early. But, by the time DP was in secondary school, no way could she have helped her study or given advice about university. By contrast my mum taught me one of my A Level subjects, because she figured she'd do it better than my teachers. And these things snowball and have a huge effect on you - I know my DP has had to work so much harder to get to where she is than I did. You can't not be aware of things like that (unless you are a very selfish person who doesn't consider others).

journeyofinsanity · 20/02/2023 18:55

What work did your parents do and why did you end up in a school in a sink estate?

SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 19:05

journeyofinsanity · 20/02/2023 18:55

What work did your parents do and why did you end up in a school in a sink estate?

Mum - surgeon - Dad - director of a non profit organisation (charity) - ended up in a sink estate in school as that was the nearest feasible one

OP posts:
SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 19:07

Willowtre1 · 20/02/2023 18:53

Thanks for your reply OP. I think you have mixed up the different family situations in terms of abuse/love and care with class. Your bad experience is for you associated with the type of upbringing, but in reality abuse can happen anywhere. I'm glad you are happy with your DH and his family, I don't have the happiest family myself and love my DHs family. They are so welcoming and uncomplicated. We have very similar backgrounds class wise but very very different relationships with our parents

Thank you - yes you're right

OP posts:
SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 19:10

@*SarahandQuack
*
Thing is - my dad kept on saying when I was in school - c'mon we expect better educational performance from you as both your parents went to university- you've got better home facilities - yes both my parents were highly educated - true - but also what my dad conveniently overlooked was that their parenting was utterly shit !!

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 20/02/2023 19:17

That's really sad; I'm sorry.

SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 19:29

SarahAndQuack · 20/02/2023 19:17

That's really sad; I'm sorry.

Thank you - yes it is - I'm trying with hindsight to appreciate my parents' successes and understand both of their fallibilities - as well as my own fallibilities !

OP posts:
bagelbagelbagel · 20/02/2023 19:33

I'm you in reverse so no need to AMA 😝

TimingIsABitch · 20/02/2023 19:38

Just goes to show that Oxbridge educated really means fuck all when it comes to what REALLY matters in life - feeling loved, secure and happy.

SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 19:47

TimingIsABitch · 20/02/2023 19:38

Just goes to show that Oxbridge educated really means fuck all when it comes to what REALLY matters in life - feeling loved, secure and happy.

This is 100% true

OP posts:
journeyofinsanity · 20/02/2023 20:50

If your mum was a surgeon and your dad a director of a company why was the nearest feasible school on a sink estate?
Surely you lived in a nice house in an expensive area

SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 21:05

journeyofinsanity · 20/02/2023 20:50

If your mum was a surgeon and your dad a director of a company why was the nearest feasible school on a sink estate?
Surely you lived in a nice house in an expensive area

Yes ... you're absolutely right. We lived in a house in a very affluent area. However, I went to a 'middle class' comp and made one hell of a mess there. Didn't fulfil my potential, swore at teachers and threw the odd punch here and there (albeit not in the same day). I was a disappointment in the middle class school. I was disliked by teachers and pupils alike. I had an opportunity to start again in a working class school which had places to 'start again and in a sense reinvent myself. My mum went into a meltdown just before I started the W/c school as she was worried about the 'AREA' - she was a snob. But she rejected and let me go in the end vivid in the 'working class school' I grafted, was conscientious and polite and thrived both academically and socially - I recognised it as my second chance.

OP posts:
SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 21:06

Sorry meant to say she RELENTED* not rejected / in my previous post

OP posts:
SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 21:07

Sorry for typos - should say AND in the working class school I grafted - not vivid ! which doesn't make sense

OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 20/02/2023 21:40

Don't matter where you came from op.
You are now with someone who cares about you and you care about him.

Wealth, status means f all.
Love, security, acceptance being appreciated and respected is what counts.
Encourage your children to reach for the stars but love them regardless of whatever they achieve and you have done well.

SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 22:01

Cosmos123 · 20/02/2023 21:40

Don't matter where you came from op.
You are now with someone who cares about you and you care about him.

Wealth, status means f all.
Love, security, acceptance being appreciated and respected is what counts.
Encourage your children to reach for the stars but love them regardless of whatever they achieve and you have done well.

Thank you - this is very true and good advice

OP posts:
Wrinkyclothes · 20/02/2023 22:19

I think this is a really normal situation. Me and my working class siblings all have privately educated spouses who come from very wealthy backgrounds.

louderthan · 20/02/2023 23:33

OP I'm so sorry to hear your parents were abusive, that must have been a very difficult way to grow up. No wonder you acted out at school.
It sounds like you are in a good place now and you have people that care about you and I'm very glad.
The more important questions here are about the destructive effects that abuse has on a child, in spite of material advantages.

SteepleJill · 21/02/2023 02:09

louderthan · 20/02/2023 23:33

OP I'm so sorry to hear your parents were abusive, that must have been a very difficult way to grow up. No wonder you acted out at school.
It sounds like you are in a good place now and you have people that care about you and I'm very glad.
The more important questions here are about the destructive effects that abuse has on a child, in spite of material advantages.

Thank you - yes I agree

OP posts:
journeyofinsanity · 21/02/2023 02:32

If you thrived academically why didn't you choose to go to university?

Oblomov23 · 21/02/2023 02:36

Posters seem unnecessarily nasty. Of course there is a difference.

Plus, on a general side, if one set of parents object to a marriage, for whatever reasons, or not welcoming, it puts a strain on marriage. This is common. Many posters on mn say their mil didn't accept them, for many reasons. And that's not nice.

SteepleJill · 21/02/2023 04:52

journeyofinsanity · 21/02/2023 02:32

If you thrived academically why didn't you choose to go to university?

I did go to uni but not Oxbridge

OP posts:
pluggee · 21/02/2023 06:26

I think this is a really normal situation. Me and my working class siblings all have privately educated spouses who come from very wealthy backgrounds.

I don't think that's normal, Most people marry those with similar backgrounds.

Hollyhead · 21/02/2023 06:50

Op thank you for sharing your experiences. Do you know why your parents didn’t privately educate you?

GGMTJ · 21/02/2023 06:58

SteepleJill · 20/02/2023 21:05

Yes ... you're absolutely right. We lived in a house in a very affluent area. However, I went to a 'middle class' comp and made one hell of a mess there. Didn't fulfil my potential, swore at teachers and threw the odd punch here and there (albeit not in the same day). I was a disappointment in the middle class school. I was disliked by teachers and pupils alike. I had an opportunity to start again in a working class school which had places to 'start again and in a sense reinvent myself. My mum went into a meltdown just before I started the W/c school as she was worried about the 'AREA' - she was a snob. But she rejected and let me go in the end vivid in the 'working class school' I grafted, was conscientious and polite and thrived both academically and socially - I recognised it as my second chance.

I think this experience would make a much more interesting and helpful AMA than “I married a boy from my school whose parents were not the same as mine”.

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