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AMA

I went to boarding school, AMA

117 replies

baconpaps · 20/01/2023 14:26

Related to another thread, happy to answer any questions on my experience of going to boarding school as a relatively young person (I was 9).

OP posts:
Robin233 · 21/01/2023 15:01

Fab thread Op
My ex went to public school - though he was a day board.
He was very confident and self reliant, but I struggled to get him to open up .....no question really but I wondered if there was a connection...

ShirleyHolmes · 21/01/2023 15:19

I was a boarding school kid; 11 to 18. I loathed it but never said, although tbh it was an improvement on my shit home life.

Baths were in one large room but in cubicles. One large room with basins where we washed collectively every day, baths twice a week. No showers. We also had to wash our 'smalls' (knickers and socks) by hand in the basin room as laundry took a week to be returned and so this we the solution for underwear.

We had to go to Sister for sanitary products.

Exeats ever 3 weeks; girls who lived abroad stayed for the term and I often opted to do so due to said home life. Plus I slept on a sofa at home, my mother had moved to a tiny central London flat as soon as she had deposited her children and there was no other space to sleep.

Old fashioned house mothers who were elderly for the first few years and then they modernised to teacher younger couple house parents; the house father wanted to be called Daddy and was very pervy with my year, Y9 then. Younger girls were expected to run errands for the prefects in 6th form. Daily prep for 1 1/2 hours in the old gym in single desks supervised by prefects. We did have an hours break to watch neighbours and home and away.

Bed at 8 for Y7s and 8s. Clanging bells to signal bedtime, getting up time and meals. No pastoral care.

1 phone box between 40 girls with long queues always to phone home. I never bothered though.

Unheated outdoor pool that we had to use April to October whatever the weather. Used to pretend periods. Remember the also Pervy female gym mistress ' hmm I make that 2 periods this month Miss x. A trip to Sister is in order I think' 😂😂

Saturday morning school and expected to cheer at matches in the afternoon. Chapel Sunday morning in navy suits and tippets.

Late 80s early 90s. I know it's supposed to be different now; hell would freeze over before i sent my children!

Pretty awful really.

baconpaps · 21/01/2023 15:56

ShirleyHolmes · 21/01/2023 15:19

I was a boarding school kid; 11 to 18. I loathed it but never said, although tbh it was an improvement on my shit home life.

Baths were in one large room but in cubicles. One large room with basins where we washed collectively every day, baths twice a week. No showers. We also had to wash our 'smalls' (knickers and socks) by hand in the basin room as laundry took a week to be returned and so this we the solution for underwear.

We had to go to Sister for sanitary products.

Exeats ever 3 weeks; girls who lived abroad stayed for the term and I often opted to do so due to said home life. Plus I slept on a sofa at home, my mother had moved to a tiny central London flat as soon as she had deposited her children and there was no other space to sleep.

Old fashioned house mothers who were elderly for the first few years and then they modernised to teacher younger couple house parents; the house father wanted to be called Daddy and was very pervy with my year, Y9 then. Younger girls were expected to run errands for the prefects in 6th form. Daily prep for 1 1/2 hours in the old gym in single desks supervised by prefects. We did have an hours break to watch neighbours and home and away.

Bed at 8 for Y7s and 8s. Clanging bells to signal bedtime, getting up time and meals. No pastoral care.

1 phone box between 40 girls with long queues always to phone home. I never bothered though.

Unheated outdoor pool that we had to use April to October whatever the weather. Used to pretend periods. Remember the also Pervy female gym mistress ' hmm I make that 2 periods this month Miss x. A trip to Sister is in order I think' 😂😂

Saturday morning school and expected to cheer at matches in the afternoon. Chapel Sunday morning in navy suits and tippets.

Late 80s early 90s. I know it's supposed to be different now; hell would freeze over before i sent my children!

Pretty awful really.

Sorry, that sounds horrible, I'm sorry for your experience.

We had daily prep too, and the house mothers varied in kindness - plus occasional perves too. Neighbours and H&A were sacred!!! And fixed bedtimes. I don't remember bells for things but fire alarms were a massive deal and utterly terrifying. Saturday school, matches in the afternoon and yes chapel too 2 x a week.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 21/01/2023 16:07

Thank you for starting this thread. Please ignore any of my questions that are intrusive.

Why were you sent to boarding school? do you agree with the reasons? were you parents from boarding schools? how would you feel about ending your children?

How many children in one dorm? What was bedtime like? WHat time? How much supervision did you get at night?What happened when you were ill?

Was this in the UK? HOw many of your peers stayed the whole way through school? How did new children fit in? How well did you end up knowing others you shared a room with? Did you know them better than your sister?

What was getting up time like, what were meals like? How big were class sizes? What time did you start and finish lessons? What did you do outside of lessons? Did you have lots of sports or lessons at the weekend?

Was it expensive? Was it worth the money?

I am very interested, as you can see - possibly might be applying as a boarding house mistress.

baconpaps · 21/01/2023 16:59

Nimbostratus100 · 21/01/2023 16:07

Thank you for starting this thread. Please ignore any of my questions that are intrusive.

Why were you sent to boarding school? do you agree with the reasons? were you parents from boarding schools? how would you feel about ending your children?

How many children in one dorm? What was bedtime like? WHat time? How much supervision did you get at night?What happened when you were ill?

Was this in the UK? HOw many of your peers stayed the whole way through school? How did new children fit in? How well did you end up knowing others you shared a room with? Did you know them better than your sister?

What was getting up time like, what were meals like? How big were class sizes? What time did you start and finish lessons? What did you do outside of lessons? Did you have lots of sports or lessons at the weekend?

Was it expensive? Was it worth the money?

I am very interested, as you can see - possibly might be applying as a boarding house mistress.

Why was I sent - forces child and to provide stability to education. I agree with the reasons, I'd been to multiple schools and my DP moved multiple times again after I'd started boarding.

My parents were not from boarding schools. I don't think anyone in previous generations had gone - my DP was privately educated, my DM went to a grammar school. It certainly wasn't a 'tradition' in our family to send the children away or anything like that.

When my DC were 9, I wondered how on earth my DPs could have done it! I would have been heartbroken. It made me really question our relationship tbh. If it was me, I would have made DP leave forces or stayed at home while he was away. But.. different times - all the forces children I knew growing up went to boarding school - there was never a question of an alternative.

Dorm sized varied from single rooms (for 6th formers) to about 6 beds usually. Bedtimes varied by age, showers generally in morning, so bedtime woudl be declared for eg. yr7, you'd get PJs on, brush teeth, read for a bit then lights out at x time. We all talked after lights out until someone told us to shut up and we went to sleep. Same routine, day in day out.

When you were ill, you either stayed in bed and were looked after by house mother (e.g. calpol). If you were more ill, you went to the medical dorm where there was a school nurse.. If you were really ill, you went home/to guardians if parents were overseas. All registered with local GP so if you had a complaint, you'd talk to house mother and apt would be made.

Yes, UK. Most stayed all the way through. New people (newts!) would be a big deal. Probably quite hard to fit into established friendship groups so would often stick together in early days. Sharing room, but also, sharing every other moment - it's not just roommates you know well, everyone lived with you knew well. I know them as well as my DSis now, not more (although as a teen I knew them more).

Getting up was fine, the house mother would come in to wake us up or you could use an alarm clock. Queues for showers (eyerolling a newts taking hours washing hair), dressed, breakfast in boarding house or in hall if you wanted cooked breakfast. Cooked breakfast every day!

Meals were good - lots of chips, but filling, puddings, seconds. There was usually a choice of 3 things.

Class sizes were about 25 max less for A-levels. started at 8:45, finished at 4.15. After school there were acvities (choir etc, sports practice) or you could go back and chill. Prep was before/after tea depending on age. In eve, you'd either be doing more activies, homework, hanging out, watching TV.

There were loads of sports. Normal PE lessons in class, then after school sessions, matches on Sat and usually things like badminton/yoga on Sundays. School lessons on Saturday am. We went to chapel on Sunday am.

Expensive - yes although nothing like how much it is today. Prob less than a standard private day school costs today. There was a forces discount. My DMs salary covered the bulk of mine and DSis fees.

I've not 'done well' in trad sense (plenty of my peers have) - I think it was worth it for the stability. My poor decisions might have been a whole lot worse in a different setting.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 21/01/2023 17:11

thank you for your answers

What do you think makes a good house mother?

Thank you

Yorkshireadvisir · 21/01/2023 18:30

My DMs salary covered the bulk of mine and DSis fees

Sorry if this hits hard, but how does knowing that sit with you? Did your mum travel with your father?

Namenic · 21/01/2023 19:07

@Nimbostratus100 I went in late 90s from 11-18. Good experience, great teaching, classes 12-18ppl. Lots of sport. Fairly modern facilities - individual showers with curtains (but not necessarily lockable cubicles). A bit of dashing to other people’s dorms after lights out when in younger years, but not exactly midnight feasts and by the time you were 14, you have your own food. there were some who had eating disorders - but I wouldn’t say a lot. As it was all girls school, people were actually pretty lax about their appearance - v few people wore make up, many didn’t worry about how long/short their skirts were.

I remember my housemistress explaining how I could use a tampon (I was good at swimming but had started my periods at 11). I think a good housemistress is no nonsense (not a pushover), fair (doesn’t have favourites), patient, but let’s girls know they can come to chat if they need (and sometimes initiates it - asks them to come in to the office and asks if things are ok etc). It’s a hard job as sometimes kids can push the boundaries, and kids can whisper about you if you get impatient or stressy. Also, I guess you have to know all the child protection stuff - at my brother’s school a teacher was woken up as a boy had a problem at night, but attended the boy’s room in t shirt and boxers. People were talking afterwards about whether there was a sexual element to that - so certainly you need to take care (especially due to previous cases of abuse etc).

cost of boarding school has risen more than inflation. I wouldn’t be able to send my kids. But I guess even if I was able to afford it, I think I’d prefer to be more involved in what they were learning, what stuff they are exposed to on internet, being aware of what teens are interested in etc. I have a good, close relationship with parents and siblings

Nimbostratus100 · 21/01/2023 19:44

interesting thank you

BoardingSchoolMater · 21/01/2023 19:50

I think my question would be: do you not think that your experience was just that - your experience? I can't imagine that anyone would do an AMA about attending a day school or a comprehensive school, because everyone's experiences are so different and so many other things come into play (prior relationship with family, additional needs, particular academic strengths/weaknesses, bereavement, divorce, etc, etc...). I don't at all mean this in a combative way - just that whichever school you attend is just part of a much bigger picture and one person's experience of a particular "kind" of school isn't going to be anything like another person's experience of exactly the same "kind" of school.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/01/2023 19:53

I think it is an interesting AMA becasue it is so far out of my own personal experience

Lilgamesh2 · 21/01/2023 20:08

BoardingSchoolMater · 21/01/2023 19:50

I think my question would be: do you not think that your experience was just that - your experience? I can't imagine that anyone would do an AMA about attending a day school or a comprehensive school, because everyone's experiences are so different and so many other things come into play (prior relationship with family, additional needs, particular academic strengths/weaknesses, bereavement, divorce, etc, etc...). I don't at all mean this in a combative way - just that whichever school you attend is just part of a much bigger picture and one person's experience of a particular "kind" of school isn't going to be anything like another person's experience of exactly the same "kind" of school.

I went to boarding school and am finding it interesting to see how others' experience compared to mine.

Besides, your criticism could apply to any AMA topic, surely? An OP doing an AMA can only ever talk from their own experience.

TeenDivided · 22/01/2023 06:33

BoardingSchoolMater · 21/01/2023 19:50

I think my question would be: do you not think that your experience was just that - your experience? I can't imagine that anyone would do an AMA about attending a day school or a comprehensive school, because everyone's experiences are so different and so many other things come into play (prior relationship with family, additional needs, particular academic strengths/weaknesses, bereavement, divorce, etc, etc...). I don't at all mean this in a combative way - just that whichever school you attend is just part of a much bigger picture and one person's experience of a particular "kind" of school isn't going to be anything like another person's experience of exactly the same "kind" of school.

I think it is a very interesting question and I am finding it interesting seeing how the OP's (and others) experiences compare with mine. You don't have to be on this thread you know. It isn't knocking anyone's choice today, as boarding in the 90s, or 80s or 70s was a dfferent kettle of fish.

TeenDivided · 22/01/2023 06:45

@ShirleyHolmes Your experience sounds similar but different from mine in the early 80s. (12-17) At first I thought maybe the same school but I think not from small differences such as bathrooms and the use of the word 'tippets'.

We had 40 to a house and one phone booth in the hall. Dorm sizes 3-11, smaller rooms open, larger had individual cubicles.

We had a small gong that someone banged at the relevant times, 7am wake up, 7.25 out of bed, 8? go down to the main school for breakfast, then 9pm for the 'early beds' to be in bed, lights out 9.30pm.

Sunday morning chapel, Sat morning school, Sat pm go and watch matches whether you wanted to or not.

Prep was in the house study.

We had to change for supper every night into skirts (not trousers) except on Wed and Weekend when you could decide not to change but if you did you could wear trousers.

'Lecture dresses' on a Tuesday if there was an after supper lecture / concert (also compulsory).

Compulsory writing letters home at the weekend.

ClarificationNeeded · 22/01/2023 07:07

On the contrary, @Luckingfovely , I’ve only recently come out of eight years of ferrying a child to and from first a full boarding prep and then a full boarding senior school!

Gosh, you must be worn out!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/01/2023 07:08

Really enjoined this thread, thanks OP!

Ridelikethewindypops · 22/01/2023 07:19

As I am reading this thread an add for Westonbirt boarding keeps popping up so I eventually clicked in. Honestly it looks amazing. But absolutely nothing like the experience I had of boarding in the 80s 😄
I was sent as I was considered to be going " off the rails" as with some other pps. Ironically I never drank or smoked until I went to boarding school but took up both while there.
Also the bullying was horrendous, both physical and psychological.
My question is was there much bullying in your school and how did the school handle it?

TeenDivided · 22/01/2023 07:20

ClarificationNeeded · 22/01/2023 07:07

On the contrary, @Luckingfovely , I’ve only recently come out of eight years of ferrying a child to and from first a full boarding prep and then a full boarding senior school!

Gosh, you must be worn out!

Grin That would be averaging one round trip a week at most I guess.

Boarding in 2020s will be a world away from boarding in the 80s or 90s.

TeenDivided · 22/01/2023 07:23

Ridelikethewindypops · 22/01/2023 07:19

As I am reading this thread an add for Westonbirt boarding keeps popping up so I eventually clicked in. Honestly it looks amazing. But absolutely nothing like the experience I had of boarding in the 80s 😄
I was sent as I was considered to be going " off the rails" as with some other pps. Ironically I never drank or smoked until I went to boarding school but took up both while there.
Also the bullying was horrendous, both physical and psychological.
My question is was there much bullying in your school and how did the school handle it?

Don't know about the OP, but at my school the concept of bullying wasn't talked about, pastoral care wasn't talked about, and the elderly scary house mistress was not exactly approachable, so there really weren't routes to report things or say if you were unhappy.

1Wanda1 · 22/01/2023 07:59

I went to boarding school (full boarder) aged 8. Absolutely hated every second. Never told my parents (until I was an adult) because as a child my perspective was: what could they do? Nothing. Any complaints would only make it worse.

At 12 I went to my senior boarding school and I think of that as a happy 6 years. I liked it there and my friends from that school are my best friends today. Interestingly though, all of them acknowledge - despite having been "ok" at the time - that the experience of boarding has given them lifelong emotional problems in relationships. Difficulty expressing emotions - because at boarding school ultimately no one really gives a shit if you're upset about something, and no one's going to make it better, so what's the point? Suck it up and get on with it.

This has made us all resilient adults, in a way, but comes at a cost.

In response to some of @MetaDaughter's comments about how it's all changed now, I don't doubt that's true. However, the basic experience of being sent away from your family to live for weeks at a time (even one whole week is a long time), has not changed. I recently watched a programme on YouTube called "what's it like to go to boarding school aged 8?". The school in question was my old prep school and the little girl aged 8 who was going was so clearly desperately unhappy, it was a hard watch. The school had changed entirely - caring adults there and obviously a lot of attention on this little girl and getting her settled. But she wasn't settling, and it was so obvious that as she grows up, this experience will damage her emotionally. A hard watch.

There is literally nothing that would induce me to send my own child to boarding school. It is not natural or ok to outsource parental responsibility to an institution. Many people have observed the similarities between the care system and boarding school in terms of their effect on the emotions of children. Except the latter is supposed to be a privilege. It is not.

TeenDivided · 22/01/2023 08:10

@1Wanda1 I agree that 8 is broadly speaking too young for most children, though I can see situations & children for whom it would work and therefore I don't judge anyone who has thought about it very carefully and goes ahead.

I think that by 12/13 more children would be OK with boarding especially with better pastoral care and all the ways to keep in contact these days. Actually I can see how weekly or flexi boarding could work very well for some.

ShirleyHolmes · 22/01/2023 10:48

@TeenDivided it does sound familiar but I think you would have known the tippet. School name was known by three initials, first one R.

were you happy at yours?

TeenDivided · 22/01/2023 10:51

ShirleyHolmes · 22/01/2023 10:48

@TeenDivided it does sound familiar but I think you would have known the tippet. School name was known by three initials, first one R.

were you happy at yours?

Different school. No not at all happy.

No one told me I had a choice. My DPs had both boarded, it was the 'done' thing. I don't think they ever questioned it. The education was good, though actually I suspect not actually great for the STEM subjects I was interested in. I just didn't fit socially.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2023 10:53

I did too, weekly from 7 and then full from 9.

I quite liked it overall, but I find boarding for primary kids a bizarre idea as an adult,

I DO think it can be great for teens though

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2023 10:59

1Wanda1 · 22/01/2023 07:59

I went to boarding school (full boarder) aged 8. Absolutely hated every second. Never told my parents (until I was an adult) because as a child my perspective was: what could they do? Nothing. Any complaints would only make it worse.

At 12 I went to my senior boarding school and I think of that as a happy 6 years. I liked it there and my friends from that school are my best friends today. Interestingly though, all of them acknowledge - despite having been "ok" at the time - that the experience of boarding has given them lifelong emotional problems in relationships. Difficulty expressing emotions - because at boarding school ultimately no one really gives a shit if you're upset about something, and no one's going to make it better, so what's the point? Suck it up and get on with it.

This has made us all resilient adults, in a way, but comes at a cost.

In response to some of @MetaDaughter's comments about how it's all changed now, I don't doubt that's true. However, the basic experience of being sent away from your family to live for weeks at a time (even one whole week is a long time), has not changed. I recently watched a programme on YouTube called "what's it like to go to boarding school aged 8?". The school in question was my old prep school and the little girl aged 8 who was going was so clearly desperately unhappy, it was a hard watch. The school had changed entirely - caring adults there and obviously a lot of attention on this little girl and getting her settled. But she wasn't settling, and it was so obvious that as she grows up, this experience will damage her emotionally. A hard watch.

There is literally nothing that would induce me to send my own child to boarding school. It is not natural or ok to outsource parental responsibility to an institution. Many people have observed the similarities between the care system and boarding school in terms of their effect on the emotions of children. Except the latter is supposed to be a privilege. It is not.

It’s much more unusual to be sent off at prep school age now though.

And kids are in and out of school much more than they used to be.

So I think it has changed. I agree with you that prep boarding is generally an extremely odd choice, but I don’t think boarding as a teen would likely give most people later issues with relationships - teens are focused on their peer groups anyway. Not to say that boarding suits everyone, it absolutely does not, but I do think that for some people it can become the thing they attribute problems to just because it’s a handy hook.

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