I donated my eggs AMA

[LouLou0505]

A few years ago I decided to donate my eggs. I was 23 and got some backlash from it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get a lot of questions in real life and used to look on here for answers so feel free if anyone is interested!

One nice thing for donor conceived children is they always know for sure that they were planned and wanted - they certainly cant happen by accident

It is also so common, much more so than anyone realises - I know at one of my children's birthday parties when they were little, looking around 30 or so children in the soft play we had booked, and realising, to my own knowledge, at least half of them were donor conceived.

But we do live in London, where such children are probably over represented - being a city that some people move to for easy access to fertility clinics

That's not unique to donor children. Aside from all the planned and wanted "natural" babies, IVF with your own gametes isn't something that happens accidentally!

shredded sounds like I was in a similar position, although I never reached the sales pitch, as I already felt like you did. I agree about the overselling, or handwaving away other decisions that eventually became harder than expected.

Thank you so much for sharing!

I remember them telling me about the option you had of donating to get reduced fees.

And I agree 100% about the counselling, I think I had 2 sessions and they were very much 'rosy'. It needs to be a lot better but as I said a few times they don't care because they aren't getting money from us!

In regards to how you felt, I don't think you're the only one at all! Everyone thinks about these things differently and that's good!

So pleased you have your little one 🤍

Unplanned babies can be very much wanted and very few women - or any women?? - (in this country) have babies that aren't wanted thanks to the ease of access to abortion. I think your point is another one people throw around that really doesn't justify anything at all, as proven by a pp who's parent was awful to her

So sorry to hear this!

I do believe they should include information on how donor conceived children have felt growing up. I do think it's very important (I didn't even think about it at the time!).

I think for someone like me I was 23 had good eggs and they just jumped at the chance.

Hopefully things will change 🤞🏼

well, exactly, I didn't say it was unique to donor conceived children!

I'm not sure what connections there are, someone did say it can cause infertility which makes sense as it's VERY invasive.

In regards to genetics, I was tested for SO many things. I was told that as well as giving all the family information I possibly could, all the testing they do if I withheld any information and future babies inherit something from me I could be sued!

Have the genetics screening was good for myself and my brother because we felt more at ease when he had his children and I then had my son.

One thing I have been thinking about a lot is the procedure.

So question for any one who has gone through the process.

So, I had my trigger injection and the day of my collecting I couldn't walk from the pain, it turns out that as well as having hyper stimulation my ovaries were 'kissing' so when I walked they would hit together because they were so full (I had 57 follicles I believe).

For my surgery I wasn't put out, they gave me fentanyl and midazolam and then gas and air.

They told me I wouldn't feel any pain but pressure... now the pain I felt was worse than when I had my son...

I was almost jumping off the table and they were pinning my legs down telling me not to move while I was sobbing.

Because of that I suffer from PTSD.

So to my question, since then I've heard that most people get put to sleep for the procedure, did you?

I'm not sure if it was technically general anaesthesia I had op but it certainly felt like it. Completely out for it asleep

Thank you, if I had of spoken to more people at the time I'd of taken it up with the clinic because they now state you get out to sleep.

I'm too late now but it was so traumatic

Wow OP that sounds awful! 57 eggs!
I did ask before egg retrieval if it was a GA as it sounded like it was. They said technically it's heavy sedation but you won't feel anything. Luckily I have no complaints and all went smoothly.

Sorry you went through that, OP.
I would advise any young woman to have her own children first before donating. Just because an agency wants "young eggs" doesn't mean women should be put at risk for their future fertility. Sounds like the agency cares more about their outcomes rates than the donors' health and well-being.

I was told that as well as giving all the family information I possibly could, all the testing they do if I withheld any information and future babies inherit something from me I could be sued!

I did not know this!!!

@shreddednips

I agree that an unbiased 3rd party should counsel women considering donating. There was a thread on MN a few years ago from a woman who was pregnant and considering finding an adoption placement for her son. She eventually kept him, but through it all one of the social workers really guided her through all the considerations, pushing her to think through a lot of tough questions before making up her mind. She had been getting lots of external pressures so having that 3rd person who was only acting on her behalf allowed her to make the best decision for herself. Like OP said, donating isn't the same as adoption, but they share long-term implications-so whatever a woman chooses, she deserves someone knowledgeable who has her best interests in mind. The agency and the parents who want donor gametes are not unbiased parties.

Thank you for sharing your story @LouLou0505 . It's the ultimate gift, the possibility of new life.
I hope this post doesn't derail the thread, but here's a story that has not yet played out.
My son is trans, ie born biologically female. He takes testosterone and is waiting for surgery.
"His" eggs were harvested some time ago, as a sort of insurance policy to enable him to be a parent at some time in the future if he chooses.
The procedure was not traumatic at all, I'm sorry yours was so difficult.
I'm not sure how long the eggs are allowed to be frozen but as I understand it techniques are improving and children from those eggs might be born long into the future, after I die.
So my potential grandchildren are deep-freeze and I may never have any.
When discussing this with my son I said that if he chose not use the eggs but to donate them then that it would be the ultimate in altruism.
If anyone comments on my son's circumstances, please choose to be polite, there's enough transphobia in the world.

A 10 second Google will tell you exactly how long eggs can be frozen for. Did they not tell you this? I find it incredible how casually this all seems to be taken.

And very interesting conversation to be had around trans men choosing to store their eggs! But yes maybe not the thread for it.

I mean this kindly houseatpoohcorner but you don't want him to feel any pressure to do anything with the eggs he may feel uncomfortable with. I think our reactions to the possibilities vary so widely and also I think can be affected by whether you have children already or not.

By calling them 'your potential grandchildren' you seem to have an incentive for them to be 'used' and I think you need to make it clear that not using them is a perfectly valid option too. He has obviously has had a lot of issues about his body and maybe this should be a decision that is just for him. Would any potential children getting in contact down the line raise any body/gender issues?

Just my 2cents. Could be completely wrong!

Lovely thing to do.

Thank you for starting this thread. We have a child conceived in Connecticut USA by an anonymous donor egg. We have always felt that we owed his birth mother, and also that we ‘owe’ our child as well for being born, although it has since been pointed out to us that babies conceived naturally are also owed by their parents. However, we would never want our child to in any way regret a life that we so deliberately went out of our way to happen.

However, we really hadn’t thought about how much we owed our donor, and I regret not doing due diligence at the time to what an egg donor would go through in the process. We certainly paid more for the eggs than you were paid, and that was 10 years ago. But given your descriptions of how you were affected, it wasn’t remotely enough. It never could be of course, because such giving is priceless, and what we got from it is also priceless.

As regards whether the donor is a relative - although we wouldn’t actively encourage our child to try to find out who their egg was donated by, if our child grows up to view their donor as a relative and wants to try and find her, then we will try to help them do so.

Thank you so much for what you have done, even if it hasn’t resulted in a pregnancy yet. And thank you to all donors, wherever in the world they may be.

I do regard my biological father as my father (probably partly because the man who brought me up was literally a paedophile — but abuse in donor conceived families is more common, so go figure).

I find this heartbreaking @DonorConceivedMe . However, I have long wondered how people can donate their eggs and sperm to a couple/individual, about which they know nothing.

OP, when you were considering the children born from your eggs, how did you feel about knowing that they may end up in an abusive home (since there are no checks on people having children via donor conception as opposed to adoption)? I don't necessarily mean physically abusive but possibly psychological abuse. The thought was one of the main things that deterred me from the process, so I'm interested to know how donors work through these considerations.

Also, why do you think the process is called 'donation' when money is exchanged for the gametes? Do you think the numbers of donors would drop if money wasn't offered?

With the greatest respect this conversation has gone in a disturbing direction.

Where is the evidence that abuse is more prevalent in families that have donor conceived children. I am so sorry for your experience @donorconceivedme but that is a very sweeping statement. Abuse is prevalent in all families and as a recipient parent I had to go to my GP and get a letter that stated I could be a fit parent. I didn't have to do that with my daughter who was conceived conventionally.

Money is offered as expenses to UK donors, it's actually a very nominal amount compared to the process, I assume to discourage people from doing it for money. Although £750 is still a fair amount if you need the cash, it's very different to other countries.

Google “Cinderella effect” @NotMyDayJob

That refers to step parents.

I'm not saying there's no abuse in donor conceived families, I have no evidence/data either way, but you can't say abuse is more prevalent in families with donor conceived children.

I’m on a lot of forums for donor conceived adults and the topic of abuse comes up every so often and seems to be more prevalent. I accept that this is anecdata.

There won’t have been any/many studies because the fertility industry only funds research which says, literally, “the kids are ok”.

I suppose you have to decide whether you think donor conceived families have similarities to stepfamilies. I think they do. Typically there is one genetic parent and one non-genetic parent. Read accounts of what happens to relationships with the children if the parents get divorced. This tells you a lot about the strength of the bond between some (not all) non-genetic parents and their children.

Not all step parents, not all donor conceived families.