Page 3 | I donated my eggs AMA

LouLou0505 · 2023-01-09T07:55:30+00:00

A few years ago I decided to donate my eggs. I was 23 and got some backlash from it 🤷🏻&zwj;♀️ I get a lot of questions in real life and used to look on here for answers so feel free if anyone is interested!

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 09/01/2023 22:09

@SpringsRightAroundTheCorner - understood. And yes it would be difficult to navigate life if they turned up and then wanted a relationship with my son but if that is what they all wanted I would never stand in the way.

Both me and my now husband spoke about this a lot when going through the process and he was so supportive of me and my wishes. If he had of wanted to donate his sperm to help someone I would have been on board. Because for us, we made our son with our love (pass the bucket) and the other families potentially made theirs with their love (and a little science) my DNA does not make me a mother to those children and never will.

OP posts:

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 09/01/2023 22:11

@SpringsRightAroundTheCorner - further to that, someone in my husbands family was a surrogate and he was so supportive of them when many were against it just like on MM 🙄 so I always knew he'd have my back

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custardbear · 09/01/2023 22:16

Good for you, I hope there are lovely families now with kids that may never have been born ... I would personally be curious if I donated but that's the deal about being altruistic for the benefit of others

bakewellbride · 09/01/2023 22:21

Thanks op and well done on your achievement x

butterflyrabbit · 09/01/2023 22:31

Of course sharing DNA doesn't make you a mother, but I am genuinely surprised at how many people don't think it means anything - totally accept this could be me being odd but the idea of someone genetically related to me being "out there" makes me feel so weird!

Not at all a judgement on anyone, I do stress, and I feel for you OP having had a terrible time of it to help others.

I have had fertility issues and we both knew we did not want donor sperm/eggs. Obviously everyone's attitudes to genetics and what it means are different. My sister does a lot of family tree research and we are amazed at the relatives coming to light via those dna kits (all with happy outcomes so far). Do you ever wonder about those services? Would you feel any kinship with any potential child e.g. something like an aunt/niece relationship, or not at all?

Knobknob · 09/01/2023 23:20

@buttbutterflyrabbit it's not you. I think there's a lot to think about on donor stuff, the impact, the ethics.

Personally I'd never do a DNA test though!! Why would I give a random company that information about myself?!

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 10/01/2023 00:32

"Of course sharing DNA doesn't make you a mother, but I am genuinely surprised at how many people don't think it means anything"
@butterflyrabbit
As the recipient of donor eggs it's not that I thought it didn't mean anything. But I did not see the donor as family, definitely not the mother, definitely not even an aunt or similar. At most I would think of them as a DNA connection, such as those you are finding through your research. Someone you are genetically related to but have had no connection to in life.
I used one biological cell from the donor but added incredibly more from myself, alongside love, spirit, and such. It's not the same as adoption where someone has carried and loved the baby but handed it to someone else - in that circumstance I would have considered the woman a much closer connection.
I see egg donation much the same as if I had donated a kidney or other part of my body. Yes it was mine, it has my DNA, but when I donate it it becomes part of someone else, it's absorbed by their body and becomes part of them and their life.

Delphinium20 · 10/01/2023 06:47

Hi OP. When and how do you plan to tell your son he may or may not have genetic half siblings? Also, what about your parents or your own siblings? Do they know and if yes, how do they feel about their potential genetic relative?

I dated a guy whose mother was really sad how she missed out on a granddaughter who was given up for adoption at birth. She never met the baby and neither did her son (my ex's brother) who didn't have a relationship with the birth mom, but he knew she was giving up the baby for adoption. He was quite young so he didn't fight her on it. The grandmother was a lovely woman and I always felt bad for her as she wanted to have a relationship with her grandchild. She talked often of this as a loss.

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 10/01/2023 08:19

custardbear · 09/01/2023 22:16

Good for you, I hope there are lovely families now with kids that may never have been born ... I would personally be curious if I donated but that's the deal about being altruistic for the benefit of others

🤍

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Original poster

LouLou0505 · 10/01/2023 08:37

butterflyrabbit · 09/01/2023 22:31

Of course sharing DNA doesn't make you a mother, but I am genuinely surprised at how many people don't think it means anything - totally accept this could be me being odd but the idea of someone genetically related to me being "out there" makes me feel so weird!

Not at all a judgement on anyone, I do stress, and I feel for you OP having had a terrible time of it to help others.

I have had fertility issues and we both knew we did not want donor sperm/eggs. Obviously everyone's attitudes to genetics and what it means are different. My sister does a lot of family tree research and we are amazed at the relatives coming to light via those dna kits (all with happy outcomes so far). Do you ever wonder about those services? Would you feel any kinship with any potential child e.g. something like an aunt/niece relationship, or not at all?

Completely understand it's not for everyone! And for people with fertility issues to make such decisions must be so hard! I know it would take a lot for me and my husband to go down that route and that's with me helping myself you know!

OP posts:

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 10/01/2023 08:38

butterflyrabbit · 09/01/2023 22:31

Of course sharing DNA doesn't make you a mother, but I am genuinely surprised at how many people don't think it means anything - totally accept this could be me being odd but the idea of someone genetically related to me being "out there" makes me feel so weird!

Not at all a judgement on anyone, I do stress, and I feel for you OP having had a terrible time of it to help others.

I have had fertility issues and we both knew we did not want donor sperm/eggs. Obviously everyone's attitudes to genetics and what it means are different. My sister does a lot of family tree research and we are amazed at the relatives coming to light via those dna kits (all with happy outcomes so far). Do you ever wonder about those services? Would you feel any kinship with any potential child e.g. something like an aunt/niece relationship, or not at all?

Sorry I forgot to add, no I don't feel any type of relative to potential children.

That may be weird to some but that's just how I feel

OP posts:

butterflyrabbit · 10/01/2023 08:41

I see egg donation much the same as if I had donated a kidney or other part of my body. Yes it was mine, it has my DNA, but when I donate it it becomes part of someone else, it's absorbed by their body and becomes part of them and their life.

That's a good way of putting it, adult!

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 10/01/2023 08:42

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 10/01/2023 00:32

"Of course sharing DNA doesn't make you a mother, but I am genuinely surprised at how many people don't think it means anything"
@butterflyrabbit
As the recipient of donor eggs it's not that I thought it didn't mean anything. But I did not see the donor as family, definitely not the mother, definitely not even an aunt or similar. At most I would think of them as a DNA connection, such as those you are finding through your research. Someone you are genetically related to but have had no connection to in life.
I used one biological cell from the donor but added incredibly more from myself, alongside love, spirit, and such. It's not the same as adoption where someone has carried and loved the baby but handed it to someone else - in that circumstance I would have considered the woman a much closer connection.
I see egg donation much the same as if I had donated a kidney or other part of my body. Yes it was mine, it has my DNA, but when I donate it it becomes part of someone else, it's absorbed by their body and becomes part of them and their life.

I'm so glad you said this, I have always said it feels like I've just given a kidney or something as crazy as that sounds!

I know it's hard for people to get their head around but until you've gone through any type of experience like this you'll never fully understand.

I also would never think of myself as an aunt etc, in my opinion that would make things so much more complicated.

OP posts:

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 10/01/2023 08:47

Delphinium20 · 10/01/2023 06:47

Hi OP. When and how do you plan to tell your son he may or may not have genetic half siblings? Also, what about your parents or your own siblings? Do they know and if yes, how do they feel about their potential genetic relative?

I dated a guy whose mother was really sad how she missed out on a granddaughter who was given up for adoption at birth. She never met the baby and neither did her son (my ex's brother) who didn't have a relationship with the birth mom, but he knew she was giving up the baby for adoption. He was quite young so he didn't fight her on it. The grandmother was a lovely woman and I always felt bad for her as she wanted to have a relationship with her grandchild. She talked often of this as a loss.

Hi!

So we will tell him when he's 16, before that I don't think he will understand. By 16 if there was a child searching for me I'd imagine it would be around that time they'd find me.

We'll just be honest that mum helped another family. But until we get to that point I don't know anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️ he might hate the idea but he might be proud I guess!

All my family know and were very proud of me. I know for a fact my mum doesn't think of any potential children as her grandchildren, she has the same view as me.. I'm not their mum so she is not their grandmother. My siblings would be the same.

Understood how they felt however I think adoption is donor is VERY different and cannot be compared in any way. I didn't have a child taken from me neither did my family, I had some cells taken away... no different from blood in my opinion ☺️

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RememberFlimsy · 11/01/2023 07:05

This is a very interesting thread to read! I feel strongly about altruistic egg donation because in my experience the process and its negative effects are massively downplayed by HCPs in infertility clinics. The reason is of course that there is a lot of money to be made with donated eggs, and if women knew what egg donation really means there would be even less women willing to do it.
I am not against IVF in general but I believe women should receive much more information on the risks of egg donation, as this thread highlights perfectly.

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 11/01/2023 11:52

RememberFlimsy · 11/01/2023 07:05

This is a very interesting thread to read! I feel strongly about altruistic egg donation because in my experience the process and its negative effects are massively downplayed by HCPs in infertility clinics. The reason is of course that there is a lot of money to be made with donated eggs, and if women knew what egg donation really means there would be even less women willing to do it.
I am not against IVF in general but I believe women should receive much more information on the risks of egg donation, as this thread highlights perfectly.

I do agree with you, it's bloody hard but I do think clinics are so desperate for eggs that they don't tell you all the things that can happen.

I'd never want to put anyone off doing it, I just think anyone considering it needs to be 100% they know what they are entering.

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DonorConceivedMe · 11/01/2023 18:16

What would you do if your genetic child turned up when they’re 18?
Would you answer their questions/ consider developing a relationship with them?

Original poster

LouLou0505 · 12/01/2023 07:18

DonorConceivedMe · 11/01/2023 18:16

What would you do if your genetic child turned up when they’re 18?
Would you answer their questions/ consider developing a relationship with them?

I'd open my door. I will answer any questions they have.

If they wanted to know me and my family that's fine but I wouldn't intend on building family relationships, they aren't my child, I did not carry, birth, nurture them I'm just a little helper

OP posts:

shreddednips · 12/01/2023 08:02

This is an interesting thread- I also donated eggs but have a really different take on the whole experience so it's quite helpful to read other perspectives.

How much counselling did you get before deciding to donate, and do you think it was high-quality/unbiased? The reason I ask is that I donated eggs for much less altruistic reasons than you- I was also going through infertility and was given the option to donate my eggs at the same time as IVF in return for very affordable treatment. At the time, I was desperate for my own baby and thought it would be nice to help another couple going through the same sort of thing, so I did it.

The counselling I received was very 'rosy' (it's the only thing I can really describe it as), I can remember the woman telling me that I would really have no meaningful connection with any children conceived from my eggs, so not to worry or think of myself as the mother. The counselling felt more like a sales pitch to be honest.

I was very lucky and got pregnant and as soon as my son was born, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the enormity of what I'd done and that there could be a biological sibling of his out there, looking just like him and having this genetic connection to me and they were completely lost to me. I found it very very hard to cope with. And then I eventually plucked up the courage to call the clinic and they told me that the recipients didn't have successful cycles, and then I felt terribly guilty about feeling relieved.

Personally, I felt that the counselling offered was inadequate and only explored the positives of donation. I'm really glad that you're happy with your donation and the positive stories on this thread, but I can't be the only person who felt such regret and distress (I hope not anyway, I felt like an absolute monster for the way I felt at the time.) It would, IMO, be better if the counselling was provided by an independent practitioner and not someone employed by the clinic.

RememberFlimsy · 12/01/2023 08:22

shreddednips · 12/01/2023 08:02

This is an interesting thread- I also donated eggs but have a really different take on the whole experience so it's quite helpful to read other perspectives.

How much counselling did you get before deciding to donate, and do you think it was high-quality/unbiased? The reason I ask is that I donated eggs for much less altruistic reasons than you- I was also going through infertility and was given the option to donate my eggs at the same time as IVF in return for very affordable treatment. At the time, I was desperate for my own baby and thought it would be nice to help another couple going through the same sort of thing, so I did it.

The counselling I received was very 'rosy' (it's the only thing I can really describe it as), I can remember the woman telling me that I would really have no meaningful connection with any children conceived from my eggs, so not to worry or think of myself as the mother. The counselling felt more like a sales pitch to be honest.

I was very lucky and got pregnant and as soon as my son was born, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the enormity of what I'd done and that there could be a biological sibling of his out there, looking just like him and having this genetic connection to me and they were completely lost to me. I found it very very hard to cope with. And then I eventually plucked up the courage to call the clinic and they told me that the recipients didn't have successful cycles, and then I felt terribly guilty about feeling relieved.

Personally, I felt that the counselling offered was inadequate and only explored the positives of donation. I'm really glad that you're happy with your donation and the positive stories on this thread, but I can't be the only person who felt such regret and distress (I hope not anyway, I felt like an absolute monster for the way I felt at the time.) It would, IMO, be better if the counselling was provided by an independent practitioner and not someone employed by the clinic.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I am sure you are not the only woman feeling this way. I think egg donation is a very complex issue and it definitely isn't talked about enough. The counsellor you talked to sounds very unprofessional, I wonder if they even had the correct qualifications?

DonorConceivedMe · 12/01/2023 09:02

I was conceived via sperm donation and I find the attitudes expressed on this thread to be very different from mine. I do regard my biological father as my father (probably partly because the man who brought me up was literally a paedophile — but abuse in donor conceived families is more common, so go figure). He has refused contact with me and it is very painful.

I think @shreddednips raised some important points, not least the manipulative nature of the industry and the extraordinary bias of the viewpoint it presents. Rarely, if ever, are the rights of donor conceived children (who become adults) considered.

Knobknob · 12/01/2023 10:42

DonorConceivedMe · 12/01/2023 09:02

I was conceived via sperm donation and I find the attitudes expressed on this thread to be very different from mine. I do regard my biological father as my father (probably partly because the man who brought me up was literally a paedophile — but abuse in donor conceived families is more common, so go figure). He has refused contact with me and it is very painful.

I think @shreddednips raised some important points, not least the manipulative nature of the industry and the extraordinary bias of the viewpoint it presents. Rarely, if ever, are the rights of donor conceived children (who become adults) considered.

Gosh I'm so sorry for your experience. That sounds so tough. That is terrible to hear about the abuse thing - I've not heard that before but I wouldn't be surprised if true. Don't babies look especially like their fathers so those stone age dads wouldn't reject them or something - is there an evolutionary thing at play here? Or resentment?

This is kind of what I was asking earlier in the thread - how do donor kids experience life? You seem to have had the worst of all worlds and I wonder what consideration your mother gave this.

I'm really struggling to accept the 'I want a child and I'll love it' line as justification enough. But I'm still open minded and really interested in what others who are the result of donor eggs/sperm think.

Knobknob · 12/01/2023 10:46

shreddednips · 12/01/2023 08:02

This is an interesting thread- I also donated eggs but have a really different take on the whole experience so it's quite helpful to read other perspectives.

How much counselling did you get before deciding to donate, and do you think it was high-quality/unbiased? The reason I ask is that I donated eggs for much less altruistic reasons than you- I was also going through infertility and was given the option to donate my eggs at the same time as IVF in return for very affordable treatment. At the time, I was desperate for my own baby and thought it would be nice to help another couple going through the same sort of thing, so I did it.

The counselling I received was very 'rosy' (it's the only thing I can really describe it as), I can remember the woman telling me that I would really have no meaningful connection with any children conceived from my eggs, so not to worry or think of myself as the mother. The counselling felt more like a sales pitch to be honest.

I was very lucky and got pregnant and as soon as my son was born, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the enormity of what I'd done and that there could be a biological sibling of his out there, looking just like him and having this genetic connection to me and they were completely lost to me. I found it very very hard to cope with. And then I eventually plucked up the courage to call the clinic and they told me that the recipients didn't have successful cycles, and then I felt terribly guilty about feeling relieved.

Personally, I felt that the counselling offered was inadequate and only explored the positives of donation. I'm really glad that you're happy with your donation and the positive stories on this thread, but I can't be the only person who felt such regret and distress (I hope not anyway, I felt like an absolute monster for the way I felt at the time.) It would, IMO, be better if the counselling was provided by an independent practitioner and not someone employed by the clinic.

I'm very sorry about your struggles too. Very happy you got your baby though.

Knobknob · 12/01/2023 10:57

Old but interesting read slate.com/human-interest/2010/06/new-study-shows-sperm-donor-kids-suffer.html

Nimbostratus100 · 12/01/2023 10:59

I have a lot of connection with donor conceived babies and with donors. ANd I have lots of questions I dont feel able to ask people I know in real life

Is there a connection between egg donation and infertility? I know tow women who donated to their sisters, then went on to need donated eggs themselves

Is there a connection between donating eggs and ovarian cancer? I know a family who lost their mum, and blame this, although I dont know if it is a valid claim or not.

Are you tested for genetic defects before donating eggs? Suh as BRCA, etc, I do know one of the donor conceived children of my friend has a genetic disease.

I have a friend who is the first donor conceived child in their particular culture, that they know of, obviously, adult now - and very happy and proud of their origins.

I have two donor egg concieved neices, and I know someone like you healed my sisters broken heart.