I'm in a women's refuge. AMA.

[Toomuchwine89]

Just that, really. Fire away :)

Oh lovely, sending many more hugs.

(As in "I'm so sorry lovely" - typing on the internet can be misleading!)

How are things with ex/ divorce?

How do your DC feel? I was in a very similar position to you and was too scared to go to a refuge as one of my DC hero worships their father and the DC is old enough to independently return to him. I did manage to end the marriage but living under the same roof was awful.

You are very brave.

Ridiculous.
I got a non mol on Christmas Eve so there's been no contact, but I've been punished of course. He's applied to court and applied for divorce.

And now he is sending me emails via a solicitor saying he wants to stop the divorce, save our marriage and reconcile.

Older two (secondary school age) are a bit ughhh but they cope well. Younger ones really enjoy it - the children's staff are amazing. Well done for getting out! Living together must have been hell xx

Ugh don't fall for it.sounds like classic abusive behaviour

Have you had any support from local charities, and what has been the extent of this, the speed of the items requested in getting to you, the quality of items etc? (I ask as I volunteer with a local charity who tries to help with this and would love to know the ‘end user’ experience.) And have you had any support from the local authority, and what type of support etc?

What do you think your next steps will be?

I’m back office staff for a charity that runs a refuge. I think our residents can struggle a lot with the communal living in our refuge. Sounds good that you’ve got your own flat, especially for your teenager.

@Toomuchwine89 Life is not an easy ride now, I suppose it isn't for anyone, and if I'd known how hard it was going to be I am not sure I'd ever have had the courage to leave but I have never once regretted it.

I had terrible PMT last week and seriously considered going back. Just felt so hopeless and defeated

Only the refuge I think? Although the donations from the public at Christmas were incredible. I couldn't believe the kindness of strangers. The local authority are hopefully helping to house us but there aren't many four bedroom houses round here!

Honestly, if it was all communal I don't know if I could've done it. My teenage son especially would have absolutely hated it.

Next steps... Hopefully find a house and make it a home. Work out how to manage child contact without having to see the twat. Rebuild my life. And start a Law degree!

How did you get into the refuge? Was it a case of calling Women’s Aid? Did you have to sneak away from home?

I’m not sure how I’d cope in a place like that, I think you’re very brave and it’s honourable that you’ve done the right thing for you and your kids.

I had terrible PMT last week and seriously considered going back. Just felt so hopeless and defeated

Oh god that's awful. I'm sorry. You're doing so well, it must be exhausting

Is there anything about the refuge that you would change to make it easier?

Massive congratulations on making it out.

I was sobbing with and sobbing and my 3 year old said to my 1 year old "Oh no, what shall we do?" I felt so bad!

You are crying because life is hard, but it won't always be this hard, I promise you that. Sending virtual hugs and flowers x

I rang Women's Aid because I just needed someone to chat to. Then she offered to show me round the refuge. I was shocked tbh as I didn't even know we had a local refuge. I had to wait a week for there to be a space, which was shit scary as I couldn't let on to ex H that I was leaving

Thank you :)

My own washing machine, less CCTV inside, ability to leave eldest children in the flat while I go out, bigger car park!

Good luck @Toomuchwine89

It's a very difficult decision to have made go leave and it will all stack up in your side that you had to leave because of how abusive behaviour to you and children

Please make sure you have a children services referral and.also that police have done a a DASH (domestic abuse risk form)

Whoops bit of mistypes you know what I meant!

Thank you. Do you think any of them (apart from the washing machine!) could be done without compromising the refuge?

Have you been offered/recommended therapy? I found it really useful.
Getting away is a brilliant first step, keep going - it will end! My divorce took 4 years (Covid) and he did his utmost to hurt and torment me, no matter the effect on the children.