I was in a relationship with a drug dealer

[roseblushes]

And spent a lot of time in that world around other dealers, seeing what it was like.

Stuck in isolating and my friend suggested this would be a good AMA to do. Not sure if anyone would be interested but happy to answer any questions!

Thanks for answering, this is a really interesting thread. If he avoids using children himself - does he sort of dissociate himself and what he does with that aspect of the trade? If that makes sense? Does he look down on those who do run those sorts of operations?

@BiscuitLover3678

Do you think there is a way you can tell that someone does it?

There's signs such as always paying in cash etc. constantly popping off to places, multiple phones, always answering the phone. But there's plenty of other reasons for those too. Some people you wouldn't honestly never be able to tell

How did he keep track of his product and income if it all had to be washed? Did he have "an accountant"?

He did it all himself, he's a smart guy and his brain is wasted in what he does. He would spend hours upon hours counting money, working everything out, deciding what would go where. I know some people who do pay actual accountants to keep track of everything.

@SportsMother

Have you used you passport since you were with him?

No I haven't

@Spudlet

Thanks for answering, this is a really interesting thread. If he avoids using children himself - does he sort of dissociate himself and what he does with that aspect of the trade? If that makes sense? Does he look down on those who do run those sorts of operations?

Yes he does, he wouldn't work with people he knows involve children but wouldn't do anything to them as that would open a whole other can of worms, unless it was a low level person.

Thing is though, working in such an industry means that somehow, somewhere children are probably being affected down the chain.

I have some more questions, if you dont mind?
Are you in another relationship now?

Do you miss the (for want of a better word) excitement (?) of being involved with the dealer?

Thing is though, working in such an industry means that somehow, somewhere children are probably being affected down the chain.

Undoubtedly
Do you see it as an industry more than a crime?
Do you worry about foriegn travel in the future. That you might be on some kind of watch list as an asscociate of criminals dealing in class A drugs or even possibly a terrorist related list, as these can be connected?

have some more questions, if you dont mind?
Are you in another relationship now?

I was seeing someone, but broke it off because I still have feelings for my ex tbh. Or more like, have love for him. I'm not over it and I think about him too much to be in another relationship, it wouldn't be fair. I would never, ever go back to him.

Do you miss the (for want of a better word) excitement (?) of being involved with the dealer?

I don't miss being with a dealer, but I miss that general feeling of excitement in the beginning most definitely.

Do you see it as an industry more than a crime?

Do you worry about foriegn travel in the future. That you might be on some kind of watch list as an asscociate of criminals dealing in class A drugs or even possibly a terrorist related list, as these can be connected?

I see is as an industry of crime. It really is an industry, or a business. It's huge and the amount that goes into it is crazy.

I don't think so, I've never heard of anyone I know having this issue. He also travels abroad quite frequently. That's honestly not something I have thought about!

Are barbershops, nail bars, beauty salons and hairdressers often used to launder? Because there are an inordinate number where I live and I wouldn't have thought enough people using them to turn any profit.

@Thetigerdrankmywine

Are barbershops, nail bars, beauty salons and hairdressers often used to launder? Because there are an inordinate number where I live and I wouldn't have thought enough people using them to turn any profit.

Good question! I knew someone who hinted at using a restaurant to launder money (also involved in drug dealing).

I’m trying to understand what kind of background you come from.

What on earth went on in your childhood that you thought it was cool and glamorous to get involved with a violent criminal who destroys peoples lives and supports the trafficking of women and children ?

I assumed that you had been in care because these women are usually so damaged that they are unable to keep safe boundaries. But you talk about your parents and friends.

I know lots of women who have been involved in drugs / with dealers like you. They were mostLy in care as children , most have been abused as children and all have been sexually and physically abused as adults , they all have mental health problems, lots have had serious head injuries, most have experience of the criminal justice system, all have been abused through prostitution, many have lost their children to the care system.

What’s your story @roseblushes?

@Double3xposure

I’m trying to understand what kind of background you come from.

What on earth went on in your childhood that you thought it was cool and glamorous to get involved with a violent criminal who destroys peoples lives and supports the trafficking of women and children ?

I assumed that you had been in care because these women are usually so damaged that they are unable to keep safe boundaries. But you talk about your parents and friends.

I know lots of women who have been involved in drugs / with dealers like you. They were mostLy in care as children , most have been abused as children and all have been sexually and physically abused as adults , they all have mental health problems, lots have had serious head injuries, most have experience of the criminal justice system, all have been abused through prostitution, many have lost their children to the care system.

What’s your story @roseblushes?

Sorry but WOW and WTF.

What a way to try and stigmatise the OP who has been quite open and clear about her own background and her position now on drug dealing.

Personally, I’m from a normal, middle of the road lower-middle class background (one parent a professional, the other a SAHP). I know and have known drug dealers and have friends from very normal backgrounds who have gone out with drug dealers (and lead pretty pedestrian lives with them during that time). That’s my experience and I wouldn’t presume to think that it renders your experience unreliable or untrustworthy.

If any of the above that you’ve mentioned -were- the case for the OP, what astounding levels of arrogance make you believe that revealing such details of her past would be in any way helpful, reasonable or appropriate of you to demand.

This is just a red herring though as the actual point of your post is judgement of the OP

“What on earth went on in your childhood that you thought it was cool and glamorous to get involved with a violent criminal who destroys peoples lives and supports the trafficking of women and children ?”

before going on to suggest that the OP must be “so damaged”, possibly a victim of SA, a prostitute, someone with mental health issues, etc.

Your post is dripping with contempt and disrespect for both the OP and whoever these other people are you come into contact with in your own life.

@Double3xposure

I’m trying to understand what kind of background you come from.

What on earth went on in your childhood that you thought it was cool and glamorous to get involved with a violent criminal who destroys peoples lives and supports the trafficking of women and children ?

I assumed that you had been in care because these women are usually so damaged that they are unable to keep safe boundaries. But you talk about your parents and friends.

I know lots of women who have been involved in drugs / with dealers like you. They were mostLy in care as children , most have been abused as children and all have been sexually and physically abused as adults , they all have mental health problems, lots have had serious head injuries, most have experience of the criminal justice system, all have been abused through prostitution, many have lost their children to the care system.

What’s your story @roseblushes?

You really need to get a grip. Most of the time drug dealers are just ordinary people. Why are you making it out that someone has to be SO damaged to decide to be with one as if they're stooping so low and settling for a serial rapist or something. Why does someone have to have been a victim to be in a relationship with a drug dealer too? Please get over yourself

Everyone I know who has dated a drug dealer has not been in care, they come from normal families and have normal jobs, like I said this is very very common in south London, when I was younger anyway (20s) all of the men were normal people as well,
(You wouldn’t know by looking at them)

"What’s your story @roseblushes?
You really need to get a grip. Most of the time drug dealers are just ordinary people. Why are you making it out that someone has to be SO damaged to decide to be with one as if they're stooping so low and settling for a serial rapist or something. Why does someone have to have been a victim to be in a relationship with a drug dealer too? Please get over yourself"

I don't think drug dealers are ordinary people.

Drug dealers are scum. Parasites, preying on the weakness of others. Willing to kill, torture, maim, traffic, or at best, watching or encouraging others doing all the above.

If you are willing to turn a blind eye to that so you can be in a relationship with "Mr Ordinary", then that says something about you as a person. But hey, as long as he's got lots of money to spend on you and he's "powerful" it's alright.

Perhaps it’s not advisable be be in a relationship with a drug dealer. It is definitely an industry that is detrimental to society at large, and some of the individuals involved in it must be pretty awful.

However, you could say the same about hedge fund managers, investment bankers, property developers, arms dealers,the army and the police force, among others, and I’ve never seen threads heaping opprobrium on women for dating someone in any of those professions.

@THisbackwithavengeance

"What’s your story *@roseblushes*? You really need to get a grip. Most of the time drug dealers are just ordinary people. Why are you making it out that someone has to be SO damaged to decide to be with one as if they're stooping so low and settling for a serial rapist or something. Why does someone have to have been a victim to be in a relationship with a drug dealer too? Please get over yourself"

I don't think drug dealers are ordinary people.

Drug dealers are scum. Parasites, preying on the weakness of others. Willing to kill, torture, maim, traffic, or at best, watching or encouraging others doing all the above.

If you are willing to turn a blind eye to that so you can be in a relationship with "Mr Ordinary", then that says something about you as a person. But hey, as long as he's got lots of money to spend on you and he's "powerful" it's alright.

@THisbackwithavengeance I very much agree with @crackofdoom that the drug dealing industry is detrimental to society. However my point of saying they're mostly ordinary people is because of the pp stating that there has to be something wrong with people who are in relationships with drug dealers. That's not the case at all and is actually quite offensive to suggest that as if drug dealers are the lowest of the low when in reality, they're not. There's way worse people than drug dealers believe it or not

@crackofdoom

Perhaps it’s not advisable be be in a relationship with a drug dealer. It is definitely an industry that is detrimental to society at large, and some of the individuals involved in it must be pretty awful.

However, you could say the same about hedge fund managers, investment bankers, property developers, arms dealers,the army and the police force, among others, and I’ve never seen threads heaping opprobrium on women for dating someone in any of those professions.

Exactly - I know people who work as e.g. engineers in the defence sector. (Many people enter on graduate schemes!) These companies sell weapons designed to kill people to various countries. Do you assume that their partners must be “so damaged” to go out with someone like that?

I don’t condone drug dealers, but suggesting that anyone in relationships with one are all ‘damaged victims’ in some way (that particular post was also an insult to people who grew up in care, survivors of SA, etc., in automatically be labelling them as ‘damaged victims with low self esteem’) is preposterous and naive.

Plenty of people turn a blind eye to unethical stuff, drug dealing is no different, doesn't mean they grew up in care or are hugely damaged people

However my point of saying they're mostly ordinary people is because of the pp stating that there has to be something wrong with people who are in relationships with drug dealers. That's not the case at all and is actually quite offensive to suggest that as if drug dealers are the lowest of the low when in reality, they're not. There's way worse people than drug dealers believe it or not

I didn’t say there was anything wrong with the OP, I asked about her background. It’s you and PP who are using the word “ wrong “.

And I’d love to know Who are these people who are way worse than drug dealers?

Child murderers ? Most of them kill or two children - that’s terrible and inexcusable. But drug dealers kill and destroy many more peoples lives.

However I’m sadly not surprised that so many of you leap to the defence of dealers. So many middle class people who love the cash, think it’s cool and fun , slightly glamorous and a teeny tiny bit naughty. Tell themselves that it’s all about lawyers and accountants partying at the weekends.

You have NO IDEA of the way that this destroys peoples lives, in this country and overseas. Go and educate yourselves about human trafficking, child abuse, prostitution, homelessness and addiction.

Talk to some social workers about the children who are brain injured , neglected or killed by parents who have addictions. Listen to their foster carers who try to give them a good upbringing but they cannot undo the damage and have to watch these kids go into prison, psychiatric hospital or into crime and addictions themselves.

Go spend some time volunteering at a homeless shelter.

Even just watch a programme about human trafficking.

And then come back and preach here about these lovely ‘normal’ guys who facilitate all this and take money from the poorest and most deprived in our society. Then have someone break their legs or torch their house with their kids inside when they can’t pay.

And as for the OP, I asked her polite questions about herself. Because you know it’s “ask me anything “.

Interesting that this has hit a raw nerve from so many of you, trying to distance yourselves from the victims of crime. Describing them as having “ something wrong “ but you, on the other hand , being “ normal “. Othering them.

Thees victims are as “normal “ as you . They are precious human beings whose Iives matter. And who have been destroyed by the drugs that you and your friends sell.

@Double3xposure

No one is leaping to the defense of drug dealers. What they do is clearly wrong along the lines of fraudstars and scammers. You're right, you didn't say their was anything wrong with the OP. But mentioning all the people you know that have been with drug dealers are victims of SA or grew up in care and asking the OP what her story was, was my point. You don't have to have been neglected or be a victim to be in a relationship with a drug dealer and I wonder why you think the OP has to have some sort of story to explain her reasoning for being with one.

I'm very VERY far from middle class and as living in South West London, I've seen the impacts of drug dealers first hand. It's interesting how you mention victims but no mention of runners (who are indeed drug dealers even if they're not big time) who are also victims. What circumstances and low poverty life must they live in to look at drug dealing as a way out. What does society to do help these people or help such poor areas? Don't talk to me about victims when I know victims in real life and see both sides of drug dealing.

As for addicts, it's very sad there's drug dealers available that fuel their addiction but in most cases, no one is forcing them to be addicted and buy drugs. It's not any different to people being addicted to cigarettes and alcohol other than it being legal. I don't see people having the same anger for the government who doesn't take tobacco and alcohol off of the shelves even though it constantly ruins lives. Where's your anger to that and the victims of tobacco and alcohol?

You should think about the victims on the other side and how bad their life must be living in poverty to even get into drug dealing in the first place.
Sorry to take over your thread OP, that'll be the last post from me

@Double3xposure

I’m trying to understand what kind of background you come from.

What on earth went on in your childhood that you thought it was cool and glamorous to get involved with a violent criminal who destroys peoples lives and supports the trafficking of women and children ?

I assumed that you had been in care because these women are usually so damaged that they are unable to keep safe boundaries. But you talk about your parents and friends.

I know lots of women who have been involved in drugs / with dealers like you. They were mostLy in care as children , most have been abused as children and all have been sexually and physically abused as adults , they all have mental health problems, lots have had serious head injuries, most have experience of the criminal justice system, all have been abused through prostitution, many have lost their children to the care system.

What’s your story @roseblushes?

This is interesting, because I know a few women involved with dealers. I know most of them through friends of friends, although a few I've known since childhood (family friends).

The ones I know personally don't come from a background of abuse, no care, no MH issues, no prostitution or drug use themselves. The ones I don't know personally I know there's no care, or background of criminal acitivty, prostitution etc, although I obviously can't speak about abuse or their MH.

Perfectly 'normal' seeming, largely working class (although a couple I'd argue were middle class) women with nice families. It's something their partners did, and they turned a blind eye because it meant beautiful homes, expensive holidays and cars, and in one case private school for their children. I'd say the one thing they have in common is that they didn't have great academic records/career plans - they went from school into 'being a girlfriend', which is sadly not unusual for where we live.

(Big police operation a few years ago means those partners are now serving long sentences, so it's not like it's all rosy.)

They may be the exception, and I think the area we grew up in probably helped normalise drugs/drug dealing more than other areas would, but having a rich boyfriend who treats you like a princess and 'all' you have to do is turn a blind eye and keep your mouth shut... I don't think that requires a traumatic background to see the appeal.

@Double3xposure

The only person othering the people you mention – those who grew up in care, survivors of SA, women involved in prostitution, etc. – is you. You have insisted that these groups of people are the only ones ‘damaged enough’ to be involved in a relationship with someone who sells drugs.

It’s a) insulting and stigmatising to people who have been in these situations through no fault if their own, and may choose a different, less reductive narrative for themselves than “damaged” (your words) victim with “low self-esteem” (your words) who don’t have “friends” and can’t help but find drug dealing “cool and glamorous” because of “what went on in their childhood” (your words and all a faithful representation of what you’ve written in your post). And it’s b) simply inaccurate.

You also suggest that SA and other forms of ACEs don’t happen to “middle class” people – simply not true. You seem to have very neatly pigeon-holed ideas of who people are, and you don’t seem very curious about anything or anyone that doesn’t fit those schemas. Being so blinkered is not helpful.

The more nuanced and complicated truth is that it is less simple and clear cut than that – people on the thread including the OP have contributed their own real-life experiences, which does not fit into your preconceived narrative that this ‘industry’ is the exclusive preserve of the “damaged” (your words) or that “all [women who are partners of drug dealers] have been sexually and physically abused as adults , they all have mental health problems [...] all have been abused through prostitution”. That doesn’t make the OP’s account incorrect, it doesn’t mean they are condoning drug dealing, it doesn’t mean they are saying the men are “lovely” (literally no one has said this). It is simply the experience of some people, and reflects a reality. That does not mean it is the only story – it is just one story of many.

You have not engaged meaningfully with any of the responses to your earlier post – again, no-one has said people who sell drugs are “lovely”, tried to condone it, or suggest that it is not detrimental to society.

If anyone is interested in tackling a problem or social issue it’s worth understanding it – that means listening rather than just imposing your own narrative or dismissing anything that doesn’t satisfy your confirmation bias. I didn’t mention (upthread) that my friend who dated a drug dealer is from an unremarkable background because I have an agenda or want to legitimise drug dealing – I said it simply because it is true. I know that plenty of people will have an entirely different story.

The OP has been very clear in that she does not condone the business her ex is in and actually feels very uncomfortable about having been involved in that indirectly through him. It was a significant reason for the end of the relationship.

And if you really think that asking someone on an AMA thread if they were sexually abused (when they have given no indication that they were or invited this line of enquiry in any way) is a ‘polite question’ rather than intrusive and inappropriate, then your judgement is off, and I really hope that your work or volunteering activities don’t put you into contact with any of the potentially vulnerable people you mention.