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AMA

I was a lap dancer for 16 years, AMA

108 replies

Tiny2018 · 11/10/2020 12:53

I noticed a thread about stripclubs on the relationships board. I was a lap dancer from the age of around 20. I worked less and less until Covid hit and the club's were shut down.
Feel free to ask me anything.

OP posts:
kleew1 · 12/10/2020 10:25

What do you work as now and what did you complete your degree in? If not working, what do you hope to do?

TheQuietWoman · 12/10/2020 10:38

This is so interesting OP. I must admit I don't respect any man who thinks he can purchase women or who uses women in any way. Your answers are very thoughtful - when I saw your thread I thought you might be sort of aggressively defensive like some AMAs can be.Blush Well done on your degree and beginning your Masters!

CleverCatty · 12/10/2020 10:54

@Tiny2018

I absolutely do not feel ashamed, nor do I feel I should be. Everybody is entitled to an opinion on the matter, however.
So out of all the jobs you could do you chose to do one which involves taking your clothes off for money?!

The vast majority of men, who I've spoken to about lap dancers - whether in the pub or in an upmarket club, have always spoken about them in a derogatory manner.

I suppose I'm just old fashioned and see that anything which gets men sexually worked up/for their pleasure which they pay you for isn't something I'd do.

The other thing I'd say - you have kids yes, so if your DD wanted to go into lap dancing would you tell her yes, because I'm certain this is one thing I'd never want a DD of mine to do.

CleverCatty · 12/10/2020 11:02

@HarryDaylight

It's all selling sex at the end of the day. Why do you differenciate your services from those of a prostitute?
That's exactly my views. I'm not saying every lap dancer is like this or does this.

I do think though if you're a lap dancer - if you have either the shaved area (fanny!) which men seem to like these days - well I mostly know of this from it being in porn videos etc.

I know a friend's DD who works in an Ann Summers shop though and she says what she's noticed which in a way is a good thing is that more men tend to come into the shop to buy their girlfriends underwear and sex toys - on the one hand I think this is good - as mutual pleasure etc - on the other hand and I've had it said to me - either boyfriends wanted me to look more like girls in porn videos or they wanted me not to look like that. I can't help but think that if men don't get this from girlfriends then they'll visit lap dancing clubs as 'the next best thing'.

Tiny2018 · 13/10/2020 10:17

Hi ladies, really sorry I didn't get back to everyone yesterday, it was my sons birthday so I spent the time after school playing his new games console with him.

Starting where I left off, to th elady who asked about female friends. I have friends that I have made from workig in the industry, and friends from outside of it. None of the ones I have from outside the industry have ever stated that they are against it. Obviously it's not something I reveal quickly when building friendships due to fear of judgement and gossip at the school gates, but when I feel that they like and respect me enough for me, I drop it into conversation, when they bring up something about men for example, I will slip in something like 'I used to be a stripper and in my experience..'. I understand that to those who have no experience with it, it is a big deal, but to me it isn't. I did it for so long, it became my norm.
All of these friends then went on to ask lots of questions, which I answered honestly. Most said that they wish they had the confidence to do it, but not one has ever overtly expressed a dislike for the industry as a whole. It certainly never caused issues with friendships, as they worked out fairly quickly that I am a perfectly normal human being, with a strong set of beliefs and morals, and most importantly, a loyal and reliable friend.
Do I consider myself a Feminist..
I am yes, but do feel that Feminism has gone somewhat awry this last few years. Too many women, in my opinion, behave terribly under the guise of equality for women, in fact I have seen dancers firsthand belittle and bully men for no other reason than the fact that they are a man. One in particular springs to mind, she claims to be a feminist, yet I feel she uses gender ineqaulity as an excuse to compete against men. Nobody wins with this type of attitude, and I've seen it a lot. I believe in absolute equality, where possible.
Yes I do often feel that those who are anti industry misunderstand. I read last year of a group of campaigners blocking the entrance to a strip club, somewhere in Yorkshire I believe, quoting womens rights, female oppression etc. I was furious.
I respect and understand the intention behind this type of thing, however groups like this go about it the wrong way. As with anything, things can change, but change takes time. You can't just block off the entrance to somebodys place of work, because those people will suffer financially. Girls, bar staff, door staff. managers lose a nights worth of earnings, some of which many are dependent to to feed there family. You are entitled to your opinion, but going in like a bloody bull in a china shop does not help. When it comes to the industry, the root causes must be dealt with slowly. Patriarchy, inequality, gender construction, gender expectations and attitudes must first be dealt with. If Covid does not finish off the industry, then as with most things in history, one day these clubs will be no more. But it must be organic, not forced upon by ill informed groups who have read that lap dancers have been trafficked, pimped out, etc. A with anytging, one cannot possibly understand totally unless they have lived it first hand.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 13/10/2020 10:51

To the lady who mentioned mens attitudes being reinforced by the willingness of women to lap dance.
I simply feel that we essentially sell a product, and men (and women) use that product.
I feel that for the most part, men learn how to be a man from their parents, predominantly their Father. As with racism, sexism, homophobia, I absolutely believe these are learned at home, and I feel attitudes to women are no different. So in terms of whether or not we reinforce these attitudes, no I do not believe so.

I think men by and large like to see naked women therefore use stripclubs as a form of light entertainment, it really is that simple.
A few ladies on here suggest we sell sex, no, we sell a fantasy. The fantasy of the hot, semi naked, lingeried upped, stockinged, high healed lady who pays him some attention. Us women are often bogged under with kids, housework, jobs etc, and they often fall to bottom of the pecking order in the household, they lack the attention. They go to a strip club to get that attention. Many have said they'd rather have it from their wives or girlfriends but after having kids, she put on weight, stopped shagging him, blah blah fucking blah. Men are only human and feel rejected when they feel insignificant at home. If stripclubs did not exist, men would find their sexual entertainment somewhere else.

This is exactly where my resentment comes from, and feel free to judge, but I cannot help the way I feel. Women for the most part a burdened with the majotity of the heavy lifting in relationships. They are often the only source of emotional support in the household (as men have GENERALLY been brought up to be useless at expressing and understanding them). We do the childcare, we work, we cook, we clean, we pln, we remind of birthdays and other occassions, the list is endless. Often at the end of the day we are fucking exhausted. To then be expected to don a babydoll and fucking suspenders to fulfill our partner is a pisstake. They are just another person that wants a bloody piece of us, pulls us in another direction. And when they don't get it, they sulk, they stomp, they cheat, they go to a strip club.

I mentioned earlier about my inner conflict concerning men. And this is it. Not only am I a stripper, I am a Mother. I am a friend, I was a student, a partner. Us women have so many people that rely on us, everybody wants a piece. It is exhausting. Yet the vast majority of men work during the week and assume the weekend is their free time, assume they do not need to help out with chores or the children, often prioritise themselves financially over the entire household. Women get no such luck. Most women I know find parenting an ongoing guilt trip- did I do this right, did I pack them enough lunch, have I danaged them in any way etc etc. Yet it seems men disappear off to work and likley don't give their children a second thought. I feel we carry such burdens in comparison.
And what do men do, when we are too tired to perform for them? They bugger off out and pay someone to do it for them. And I resent them for it, because in my experience, it is a fundamental need, not a want, not an entitlement, a need.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 13/10/2020 10:54

Anyway rant over lol.
My Degree is in Social Science, I was 3 marks from a first but am happy with my upperclass 2:1. I am due to begin my Masters in Criminal Justice in just under two weeks. I have wanted to work in the justice system for quite some time as I believe that the current system is seriously flawed, but that's a whole other topic.
I have also on and off worked in the care industry for around six tears, with vulnerable adults, mental illness, behavioural issues etc. I did an elderly ward last year but never went back as it made me too sad.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 13/10/2020 10:56

TheQuietWoman, thank you very much for your lovely post.
I am not really the defensive type, as with anybody, if someone is respectful to me, they will get the same in return. I also feel I have nothing to defend, it is what it is, I am happy to help people understand if it something they are genuinely curious about :)

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 13/10/2020 11:00

CleverCatty
They may well speak about us in a derogatory manner, it is certainly not the way they speak to us at work, and frankly, they can speak badly of me as much as they like after they've just paid me a few hundred quid.

I have two children yes, one daughter. How would I feel if she chose this line of work? As long as she was happy and safe, I would support her. What my daughter does as an adult is not my business, all I can do at the point is advise where required and continue to support her throughout her life. I appreciate it's not ideal and it's not to everyone's taset however.

OP posts:
userxx · 13/10/2020 11:01

I also feel I have nothing to defend

You don't, its 100% your choice whatever you do. Good luck with your masters, Criminal Justice sounds really interesting.

missusthepointagain · 13/10/2020 22:03

Thanks Tiny, it's good to hear your point of view and well done on your studies. I agree with a lot of what you say about attitudes coming from the home, but I think it's more complex than that. And whilst men can pop in to clubs to indulge their "needs", without judgement, I'm not sure that the industry helps change attitudes and women's position in the patriarchy. But I respect your replies and am genuinely intrigued by the whole thing.

I hope your son had a lovely birthday!

You seem to have a handle on structural sexism, the patriarchy etc. Can I ask you whether you think that, in a more equal world, lap dancing would still be a thing?

Also what do you think of places such as Iceland that have banned it in the name of feminism and equality. Misguided or inspirational?

Did you dance naked? Did you not feel exposed? I can't imagine, even if I had the hottest body in the world, feeling comfortable, being so scrutinised so up close by a stranger... so before you did it were you very blasé about nakedness? Do you think that you need to be an exhibitionist by nature to do the job?

missusthepointagain · 13/10/2020 22:04

Also when your engaging with the men, you said they were mostly respectful! Really?!

Aren't they saying really sexual things to you? Do you have to say fake things to them about wanting them, how they're the hottest man you've danced for ever, etc... or not? Confused

userxx · 13/10/2020 22:12

Do you have to say fake things to them about wanting them, how they're the hottest man you've danced for ever, etc... or not?

I'm pretty certain that's a no!!

KenDodd · 13/10/2020 22:23

What did you do with all the money you earned? Have you been able to buy a house or pension to make your future a bit more secure?

missusthepointagain · 13/10/2020 22:25

I don't know! Assumed it might be used as a ploy to get more money out of them... part of the illusion of interest? Not that silly a question is it xx...I really have no idea how much of an illusion is presented to the daft buggers! I'm interested!

ScreamingBeans · 13/10/2020 22:27

Do you miss it? Would you go back to it if you could?

Would you advise your daughter to take it up as a profession? If so, why, if not, why not?

essexmum777 · 13/10/2020 22:30

Congratulations on your fab degree result OP, thank you for sharing your experiences.

Tiny2018 · 14/10/2020 10:44

userxx thank you very much for you kind words.
missusthepointagain, in an equal world I don't kno whether it would exist tbh. I think in terms of equality we need to look at how the sexes begin if that makes sense; ie are we certain that modern men absolutely need sex from a biological point of view, or is it conditioned behaviour? There are plenty of men who come into the clubs for drinks and a chat and just don't seem to prioritise the dance. They become engaged in conversation, and almost forget that there are half naked ladies walking around. They do not prioritise sex and almost appear asexual, but I will note that the majority of these types of men appear quite hopeless, lost and depressed. I met a guy years ago who has since become a good friend, he drinks too much whiskey and is a total Nihilist. I know he has had sex, but it never comes up in conversation. He fell in love with one of the dancers years ago and never really got over it.
So in terms of an equal world, I guess I suppose if you believe that the differences in men and women are indeed biological, and that men will always hunt sex, nudity as entertainment, then surely equality can never exist. If you are of the field of thinking that suggests that mens attitudes and behaviours are conditioned, social constructions, and that they need sexual entertainment as little as women (in general) do, then in theory, there would be no place for them.
In terms of banning, I strongly believe that banning something does not get rid of the need, only that those in need will go elsewhere or underground, exactly as with what happened with Cocaine in the UK.
After Doctors stopped prescribing it, it became available on the black market. I wouldn't know how exactly that would look in Iceland, but I would imagine men have other means of getting their sexual fixes from other means, preferably not anything harmful to anybody.
I did dance naked and no I didn't feel exposed. I'm very comfortable inmy own skin and am happy to have it all out. I wouldn't regard myself as an exhibitionist as such, as I feel that suggests a need to proudly show it off. I'm just ok with being naked and if someone wants to pay me for it, bonus. Many of the girls are the same, we are simply comfortable and content in the buff.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 14/10/2020 10:47

I have never done the whispering sweet nothings to them during a dance either. As a brutally honest person, the fact is the majority are not hot, so I will not pretend they are. On the other end of the spectrum are the really good lookers, but most have them have an ego so big it's surprising they get through the door. I don't tell them they're hot either, as their head is usually big enough and I can't stand arrogance.
Not only that, but my 'service' for want of a better word is to dance naked. If they fancy an ego stroking, they're welcome to go elsewhere.

OP posts:
Morgana7 · 14/10/2020 10:49

How close did you get during a dance? Are you actually on their laps or do you dance in front of them? Thanks for starting this thread it’s very interesting

Tiny2018 · 14/10/2020 10:51

KenDodd I actually have very little to show for the money I've earned. Obviously when I was younger I made much more money than when I was older and I frankly, pissed it up the wall on nights out, days out etc. Everything I own in my house was bought with the money, but realistically I perhaps should have bought a house with it lol. One of my older ex dancer friends bought two and a lap dancing club with our old boss and I believe she does well out of it.
Do I regret not being smarter with my money? Very occassionally, but I absolutely don't regret it. I had an epic time through my early twenties and I wouldn't change it for the world.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 14/10/2020 10:55

ScreamingBeans
I do miss it quite often. Even now on a Friday night I get disappointed that I'm not going out to work. I'm a really social creature by nature and I love the meeting new people side of things, over a glass of wine. Tbh I rarley miss the money, it really is just the job. I get on well with the girls I worked with and we really would have a laugh a lot of the time. I like dressing up nice too. It's not always a bed of roses obviously, there were nights I'd be getting ready, doing my make up whilst almost dropping off as I was that tired. I went back two weeks after my son was born for example, would get in at 4am, then get up at 7 to get my older daughter ready for school. Also, in the Summer at bbqs with friends, having to leave at half 9 for work whilst they all partied was a bit crap. But other than that, yes I do miss it, often.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 14/10/2020 10:56

essexmum777
Thank you so much and no problem at all xx

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 14/10/2020 11:37

Thanks Tiny, don't want to hassle you, but just in case you missed it, my other question was

Would you advise your daughter to take it up as a profession? If so, why, if not, why not?

Am really interested in this. I was in advertising years ago and would really hate it if my dd went into it as I know how exploitative and depressing it was. I'd have to accept if she did and of course I'd support her as much as possible, but I'd discourage her from choosing that sector in the first place. Just wondered how you feel about the sex industry sector as a career for your child.

MatildaonaWaltzer · 14/10/2020 11:43

Not a question but my god that’s a hell of a job to hold down (physically) for 16 years. Kudos for that.

(My friend’s mum was the in house matron / aunt / house mother at strings. She had excellent stories)