My Dad is a transsexual, she started transitioning when I was 5 - AMA

[WheelyMom]

There’s a lot of threads on the topic so I thought I’d start this thread xxx

@Apileofballyhoo

WheelyMom thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry things were difficult for you and I'm glad to hear your voice and balance.

That’s very sweet of you, thank you. Thank you for listening and giving me a voice. I don’t think anyone should be silenced. This is an important conversation. Are you involved in the trans community and/or women’s rights etc?

Thank you for answering my question way back up. I’m sorry you had quite a tough childhood Does your dad look like a natal woman, I mean by if a stranger saw her in the street would it not enter their head to question her sex? Again I ask this because of the relative in my family. They are very masculine in build and height (6 foot 3) and I fear that even if they go through extensive surgery their natural build would ‘give them away’ and this goes back to my fear that the children will somehow suffer as a result.

@Friedbluetomatoes

Thank you for answering my question way back up. I’m sorry you had quite a tough childhood Does your dad look like a natal woman, I mean by if a stranger saw her in the street would it not enter their head to question her sex? Again I ask this because of the relative in my family. They are very masculine in build and height (6 foot 3) and I fear that even if they go through extensive surgery their natural build would ‘give them away’ and this goes back to my fear that the children will somehow suffer as a result.

I am hopeful that trans rights will be massively improved as a result of what’s going on and bullying will be frowned upon in the generation coming through now. I think my Dad does pass as a woman but she has had facial surgery to chisel away the jaw line, forehead and slim the nose. You might look at her and just think she’s a woman who’s had plastic surgery. She’s also had hormones since I was a child. I’m sorry there is some fear about the children and wether they will face bullying. I think part of my fear was learned from my parents, grandparents and wider family, which turned it into a huge charade. I was told to keep it a secret etc I’ve also gone to huge lengths to build a support network for my daughter with regards to consistency and building a large group of friends so that she will have support when the time comes. I don’t want her to feel alone like I did when I started secondary school, and then found out, and then was told to keep it a secret.

Thank you starting this thread and being willing to answers questions. Oh so many questions I have that you would have no way of answering. :)

I have a child of the same age as you when your dad started transition. He doesn’t know yet that his father started hormones and wants to go by a new name but has seen dad with a range of feminine looks from casual to very made up stereotype looks and they don’t seem to notice.

I don’t see the marriage surviving this but for various reasons it will be a long while before we could live apart. Quite a different situation than yours in a few ways but I guess my question is what things could do as the mother to help my son navigate losing his dad in this way?

I’m having a very hard time myself but am trying very hard to keep things as stable as I can for my child.

Yes, hopefully things have and will start to move in a more positive direction. I dont think things will be kept secret from the little ones in my family but who knows, only time will tell. They are on dh’s side so I don’t get to involved.

I would just be careful about lying to your daughter.
My mum lied to me about something utterly ridiculous. It was about me being planned. Laughable really.

And then my Aunty let slip that she loved cuddling me as a newborn when my mum had to have surgery after my birth.
The surgery was to remove the contraception that didn't come out with me..

I didn't care about the fact I was an accident. I'd never doubted she loved me. But I was furious that she'd lied to me.

WheelyMom neither. I'm a woman though. Like many other women I was foolish enough growing up to think the fight for equality was done and feminism was people banging on something that wasn't relevant to me. My mother worked full time in a professional job from when I was about 10 and she did all the women's work too. I always knew that wasn't fair but I thought it was our family dynamic. She always encouraged me to train to earn a living that could be done part time in the case I had children and I thought that was bullshit as a teen.

My mother respects men's opinions far more than women's and I am sure that had an effect on me. Not that I respected hers less than my father's, quite the opposite. I didn't even realise about my mother until my DH started pointing out how weird it was. I also respected men's opinions more - well I'd have been more willing to listen even if I dismissed something as rubbish after listening.

I'm hugely uncomfortable with women's right to work being a sign of our supposed equality. It seems to me women are forced to make choices that men are not. I have a hugely internationally successful friend who cried and cried and cried going back to work after maternity leave. No creche at her workplace. Not very many high powered women either.

When I see women being advised to not go here or there alone at night I used to think fair enough. I saw a FB post describing the life of a black man in the US who doesn't leave home after dark - this is clearly terribly wrong and he's worse off than me because I'd feel safe to drive, but not walk. But it did make me think about women being afraid and how dismissed it is. I've seen it being dismissed on here.

I have a friend who has endometriosis. Which I'd never heard of. It's estimated to affect between 2% and 10% of women in Ireland. Very hard to get a diagnosis. Also made me think.

I could go on and on but you get the picture I'm sure.

I live in Ireland and we already have self I.d.

@MaureenJSL

Thank you starting this thread and being willing to answers questions. Oh so many questions I have that you would have no way of answering. :)

I have a child of the same age as you when your dad started transition. He doesn’t know yet that his father started hormones and wants to go by a new name but has seen dad with a range of feminine looks from casual to very made up stereotype looks and they don’t seem to notice.

I don’t see the marriage surviving this but for various reasons it will be a long while before we could live apart. Quite a different situation than yours in a few ways but I guess my question is what things could do as the mother to help my son navigate losing his dad in this way?

I’m having a very hard time myself but am trying very hard to keep things as stable as I can for my child.

Hi, I popped over to the transwidows thread and read some of your posts. I’m so sorry to hear how things are for you right now and it sounds like you are doing everything that you can to protect your son. I think it would be good to get some books for him to introduce him to the concept of trans. If there are opportunities, you could start conversations about trans people to normalise the situation. I’m sure you already do this, but make extra effort to connect him with his support network. He needs to have friends and family who are solid, non-judgement and good listeners. You can reassure him that any feelings he has are valid and you will help him with those feelings. One of my regrets was when I was a teenager, Jane asked me if I wanted therapy and I said No. I was too embarrassed to say yes. If possible, keep in mind that he might refuse therapy, but I would find ways for him to be involved in therapeutic sessions as a normal thing. You sound like an absolute diamond of a Mum xxx

@AskingforaBaskin

I would just be careful about lying to your daughter. My mum lied to me about something utterly ridiculous. It was about me being planned. Laughable really.

And then my Aunty let slip that she loved cuddling me as a newborn when my mum had to have surgery after my birth.
The surgery was to remove the contraception that didn't come out with me..

I didn't care about the fact I was an accident. I'd never doubted she loved me. But I was furious that she'd lied to me.

Hi, yes this is something that I do worry about. I feel like I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Disclosing to my daughter is another shitty situation that I didn’t ask for. I feel it’s acceptable to say that some of the information was too grown up for her. It won’t be long before she starts asking the right questions re: family connections. There’s no handbook for this so I’m grateful for advice.

@WheelyMom thank you for your response. The pandemic has made it very hard to keep in contact with our support system but I am trying to be more present for him and take advantage of being able to physically be present all the time due to work from home.

I will keep therapy options in mind. I know we will both will need a bit.

@WheelyMom, thank you for posting and for your willingness to answer so many questions. I'm a trans widow with older children, and I very much appreciated reading your viewpoint.

[quote MaureenJSL]@WheelyMom thank you for your response. The pandemic has made it very hard to keep in contact with our support system but I am trying to be more present for him and take advantage of being able to physically be present all the time due to work from home.

I will keep therapy options in mind. I know we will both will need a bit.[/quote]
It’s certainly hard right now yes. My daughter is an only child, she’s old enough to use What’s App and Skype with her friends and we’ve done some family zoom quizzes. I really hope that as the lockdown eases, as it is starting to, that you can get more support. I am always happy to answer questions. Good luck going forward

[quote QuinnMovesOn]@WheelyMom, thank you for posting and for your willingness to answer so many questions. I'm a trans widow with older children, and I very much appreciated reading your viewpoint.[/quote]
Hi @QuinnMovesOn Thank you for listening, I hope the take away was positive, overall! I’ve never known other children with a trans parent in real life so I guess there’s not many around? Who knows! I can’t speak for other people’s experiences of course. I’m sorry to hear that you are a trans widow, I went and read one of the threads on trans widows and it sounds like many women are having a really rough time

I think adult children of transitioners would really benefit from getting together and sharing experiences in the same way that we have been able to.

Yes @TinselAngel that sounds interesting, I have no idea if my experience would be considered ‘normal’ amongst other adult children of transitioners. It definitely wasn’t normal compared to my peers! I will pop over to the website you recommended

It's very similar to the author of that website's experience.

This is so interesting. Thank you OP, It sounds like you've had difficult times understandably.

Hi @WheelyMom I’m another adult child of a transsexual parent, my dad finally had the sex change operation when I was 18 although things were becoming intolerable since I was around 12, it’s interesting to hear your experiences and views, especially about telling your children as it’s not something most people have to consider or have any experience of. It sounds like you and your parent have a better relationship than I do with mine though. I have never had the kind of open conversation you refer to, I’m not sure she could take hearing about how our childhood felt to us and how it has affected us. Hearing your dad talk about her puberty must have been so difficult, I can’t imagine , I’m glad you were able to be honest about how hard it was for you though.

@TitianaTitsling yes, my childhood was centered around my dad’s feelings, he hated himself and it was a tense atmosphere, he was suicidal at times, my mum often went out to escape it, then when he started transitioning I was around 14 and there was massive pressure to just be happy for him and little to no support for myself and my sister. I know my dad felt that if we couldn’t accept it he might as well just die which caused a lot of pressure and made us feel guilty for struggling with the situation. I felt like I lost my whole identity, I remember being angry at the situation but not having anyone to be angry at and I emotionally shut down to cope. I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship I think partly because I was so used to my feelings not mattering and putting other people first.
This is obviously by no means every child of a transsexual parents experiences, just mine.

I have no anger towards my dad, but I do struggle to say ‘she’ or call her by the chosen name when talking to my mum or my sister. I also refer to my dad as my aunt and this is how my children know her. They haven’t really questioned it as their paternal grandfather is also not in their life so they only have grandmother’s on both sides.

@Clevererthanyou I have always felt completely comfortable with my gender identity and sexuality, although I did find myself attracted to dominant masculinity, perhaps as a side effect.

@Packamack yes I struggle with the selfishness but I think that was maybe my particular parents who were emotionally absent/neglectful rather than the transgender issue in itself. The emotional side being so badly handled is what was had the long term effect on both myself and my sister. Our first relationships were both emotionally abusive relationships as we grew up not having our emotional needs met, feelings minimised and invalidated, always putting other people’s feelings before our own etc, we were basically made to feel that we weren’t important, never expressly said but conveyed through actions.

It’s a confusing thing, as I said I have no anger towards my dad, I don’t wish he hadn’t done it, but I can objectively say that they shouldn’t have had children (my mum knew about the cross dressing before they had children) and I shouldn’t have been born.

@TinselAngel In my case I know my mum did the best she could do in the situation but I have also struggled with resentment towards her as she wasn’t around much leaving us in a horrible atmosphere that she herself would go out to escape, she likes to help people and seemed to be helping everyone but her children. We were pressured to just accept it and be happy that he could finally be happy, they were considering living together as “friends” they weren’t really friends but my dad needed my mum and my mum likes to be needed. I remember one of my mums friends telling me to look after my mum and I remember thinking ‘who’s looking after me?’ Perhaps that’s selfish I don’t know. Plus she knew about the cross dressing before they planned children and I think bringing children into that marriage was the wrong choice, also I know she was relieved to be divorcing and escaping the atmosphere. My mum doesn’t have any difficulty in social situations though, she’s very open and not the sort to get embarrassed, at the time she dealt with it by talking with everyone, the hairdresser, the neighbours etc which was quite hard for me to deal with something that felt private being so public as I was a self-conscious teenager at the time.

@MaureenJSL I think the best thing you can do for your son is let him have whatever feelings he has, let him grieve the image of his dad, if he’s angry that’s ok, just help him through it, I think not being able to express those emotions was damaging to myself and my sister.

My Mum does not like talking about it and I don’t press her.

Did you have any access to psychological help during your "father's" transition? Because it really sounds like you didn't, which would have been so hard for you. And now your mum won't talk about it, so who does help you with this, op?

As someone else pointed out, those around the transitioner usually get overlooked and I think just have to take their guidance from the person in transition which can be tricky at best! Because you only have their word about what their therapist said.

And I am sorry, but as a "father" they would have known that sharing with you about their sex life was inappropriate. I don't believe you suddenly lose your parental compass because of how you identify. It sounds like they were pleased to be where they were and wanted someone to validate that and that someone was an underage child. All sorts of inappropriate, and very selfish.

You don't sound OK with any of this, you sound like a scared child left to make sense of something that rarely makes sense to adults... your talk of calling them aunty also raises flags with me. You don't happy at all, and you don't appear to have any closure around it all.

It's very brave of you to answer our questions, I just hope you have someone brave enough to answer yours honestly.

Hi @differentnameforthis, you make some good points. I have had some counselling, but not about this. I started having panic attacks around 21, which led to agoraphobia, so I had CBT for that, though I still have anxiety now. I then developed MS, which I’ve had for about 10 years and has led to disability. I do feel a bit broken with the pandemic going on and the flare of of trans issues just dredges up some often painful memories. I do maintain a relationship with my “father” and I do try to just get on with life, so it’s a hard balance. I’m not sure my point but thank you for your support and understanding

Hi @TropicalSun, it’s lovely to hear from another adult child of a transitioner. It’s an odd upbringing isn’t it! Do you mind me asking how old you are now? I’m 37 and I’ve had various forms of CBT for anxiety/panic attacks but nothing specifically for this. How are you getting on? I think that having a mother who just gets on with life has maybe pressured me to do the same, when I’m actually a very sensitive person. Sending you lots of love

@WheelyMom yes, it’s an odd upbringing not something most people can relate to. I’m 34. The GP referred me to counselling at the time but as I was emotionally closed off it didn’t help much. I do get quite anxious about things. in particular around being lied to, eg of finding out things are not what I thought they are, my life isn’t what I thought it was. Unfortunately that happened again when I found out my then partner had had an affair and another child. That set me back a lot mentally and was the only times I had proper panic attacks rather than general anxiety.
We were offered extra “support” from some group of post-op transsexual families, I don’t remember the name, but the support was focused on finding a way for the post-op trans person to remain within the family unit so just added to the pressure and I refused to engage with it.

I’m an emotional person, it’s impossible for me to deny them unless I shut down completely and literally feel nothing, becoming zombie like, but it’s important that you can be honest with yourself about how you feel, if there is anything you still struggle with and kind to yourself, it is a big deal, it’s your whole identity when you’re a kid, I felt like I shouldn’t have been born, wondered if my dad hated me, was jealous of me for being born a girl etc. I am glad you were able to express yourself regarding your dad over sharing the sexual side, I think it would have been damaging to you to keep that bottled up.

My mum was the same, very practical and just get on with it, make the best of it, it will make you stronger etc, which I suppose you have to be in that situation but it’s quite an “adult” reaction and I don’t think helped us in adjusting much. She is quite like that anyway but also kept being told how resilient children are and how well they adjust to anything. As I said, there was a lot of pressure on us to be just be happy for my dad, to not struggle at all, my mum was most concerned about my dad’s wellbeing it felt and so was he. My mum kept saying things like ‘if you love a person the love is the same, they are still the same person’, the thing is she now admits that she didn’t love my dad in a husband - wife partnership way, more as a carer, she always felt she needed to look after him, he was mentally fragile and glad when she had someone to look after, it’s more a provider type looking after than a nurturing one, she’s not very maternal. But yes, there was a lot of pressure on us to be nothing but happy and supportive when
but we felt our world was being turned upside down.

I’m not sure how much of this is the trans issue though, or my particular parents or a mix of both intensified.

Plus she knew about the cross dressing before they planned children and I think bringing children into that marriage was the wrong choice,

Obviously my instinct is to defend your Mum but your feelings are valid and this thread is not about trans widows.

One thing I will say though is that it would help to understand the context of being in a relationship with a cross dresser pre the rise of gender ideology.

Back in the day women were encouraged to think of cross dressing as a hobby. There was no need to be very upset if you found out your husband did it, it didn't mean he was gay it was just a thing some men did to relax. This was the line that was fed to women by the Beaumont Society and other groups.

It's highly likely that your Mum never dreamed an occasional cross dresser would end up as a stunning and brave trans woman, I know I didn't. I thought there were worse hobbies for a man to have.

Looking back now with hindsight, post the explosion of gender ideology it seems obvious how things would turn out, but it didn't back then at all.

@TinselAngel no I don’t think she ever expected him to have a sex change, it’s a good point, I appreciate your viewpoint.
I’m not sure what she thought tbh, I know she wasn’t sure she wanted kids but was getting older (reproductively speaking).

Can you talk openly to your sister about it, TropicalSunshine? (You don’t mention whether you are the older or younger sibling.)

In one family we know where the dad transitioned, the older sibling moved out to live with dad (they’d always seemed closer), and the younger one stayed with mum, so a double loss for them both, really. But I don’t know whether that’s at all typical.