My Dad is a transsexual, she started transitioning when I was 5 - AMA

[WheelyMom]

There’s a lot of threads on the topic so I thought I’d start this thread xxx

@PamDenick

Again, excuse this question if it too harsh... Do you consider that you have a dad?

I have a step-Dad who fulfilled that role for me but I don’t feel like my biological Dad is alive.

@ArcheryAnnie

I went through ‘puberty‘ alongside my Dad and she was explicit in every detail of her transition, surgery, sexual relationships etc It was a very, very difficult childhood.

OP, thank you for coming on here and being willing to answer questions, especially as you say, about a very, very difficult childhood. Do you feel that this was a fair way for your Dad to behave? I am very wary (understatement) of parents who overshare about their sex lives to their children, and it's especially a red flag when the child is an actual child.

(All parents will experience major events in their lives, just as your Dad did. I think it's our job as parents to manage that without making it our kids' job, too.)

Oh, I hated it! I’ve had conversations with her as an adult where I have called her out for it and she has apologised. She said that a psychologist said it was OK to be open and honest with your kids. I think she had mental health problems/gender dysmorphia and that she just got it wrong.

This is a really interesting thread. I just picked up that you said your DD is 8 and doesn't know how babies are made because it's not child appropriate. Does she not even know the 'two grown ups have a special cuddle....' story? Do you think you're sheltering her because of your childhood experiences?

You don't seem all that sympathetic towards what your mother must have been through as a trans widow. Have you read any trans widows stories?

Also, are you aware of childrenoftransitioners.org?

@Lougle She knows about the special cuddle but I haven’t explicitly told her that a penis enters the vagina and ejaculates! She also has one of those Usborne books about the body and knows the general names of things. I talk to her friends’ parents about these things and try to gauge what’s appropriate. She is a curious child who asks questions so I’m sure we will get to it, they certainly haven’t gone into intimate details at school. I think this approach is ‘normal’, as opposed to sheltering her but what do I know!

Ahh, that's great. I got the impression that she knew nothing, which at 8 would be a bit of a shock when kids start talking in the playground. Your approach sounds perfect

@TinselAngel

You don't seem all that sympathetic towards what your mother must have been through as a trans widow. Have you read any trans widows stories?

I’m sorry if it’s come across that I’m unsympathetic towards my Mum. I’ve never viewed her as a trans widow, so that’s an interesting point, thank you. I have always been supportive and sympathetic in conversations with her in real life. There’s no doubt that she finds it difficult in some situations, like weddings/funerals where they are civil. She’s never spoke of herself as a trans widow, she never spoke with regret or sadness about the divorce and is quite simplistic about it. She will just say that they never got on, they were only 18 or 19 when they married.

[quote TinselAngel]Also, are you aware of childrenoftransitioners.org?[/quote]
I wasn’t aware of this, thanks for the link!

I bet you don't know the half of it OP.

It's dispiriting for trans widows and children of transitioners that in conversations like this the conversation always tends of be centred on the transitioner rather than on the women affected? I'm sure you must find this too

Have you read the transwidows thread as mentioned upthread?

Do you think you will talk to your mother about what she and you went through as a result of your father's choices?

Just sending best wishes. None of this can be easy.

The period where your Mum and Dad split when you were four and your Dad started (temporarily) living as a woman when you were 5, is interesting to me, as a trans widow. It must have been a very difficult time for your Mum.

@TinselAngel

I bet you don't know the half of it OP.

It's dispiriting for trans widows and children of transitioners that in conversations like this the conversation always tends of be centred on the transitioner rather than on the women affected? I'm sure you must find this too

My Mum doesn’t like talking about it so I’m sure there’s lots that I don’t know. She will say live and let live, move on, there’s no point overthinking it. In a simplistic way, I suppose the focus is on the person who is receiving treatment to transition and that is the case for all medical care.

@HandsOffMyRights

Have you read the transwidows thread as mentioned upthread?

Do you think you will talk to your mother about what she and you went through as a result of your father's choices?

I haven’t but I will, thank you. My Mum does not like talking about it and I don’t press her.

@nonsenceagain

Just sending best wishes. None of this can be easy.

Thank you x

OP that all sounds tough for you, actually all of you.

How did your brothers cope?

Also you said earlier on about not liking your body because you felt fat. You also said "As a trans woman, wanting to pass as a woman, she would lean towards stereotypical feminine clothes, makeup, slim etc"

I get the feminine clothes, makeup etc but women are not necessarily slim. In fact many (like me) are the opposite.

I did wonder if any potential issues with food for me came from the fact my mum was very slim and fed us small portions and at 22 I 'branched out'.

I've had counselling and for me it is OCD that had led to food issues.

Neither of my parents is trans (but a young family member is). So I guess a lot if us get a 'cultural' as well as biological legacy from our parents.

Did you? So my second question is has your dad's view" about what makes a woman, negatively impacted you?

I should day I am trying to address being fat due to health issues and not because of how I look.

@TinselAngel

The period where your Mum and Dad split when you were four and your Dad started (temporarily) living as a woman when you were 5, is interesting to me, as a trans widow. It must have been a very difficult time for your Mum.

I was sheltered from this but the narrative told to me is that the split was because they didn’t get on. They were living separately and must have made certain agreements or decisions about how to go about things. I remember going to my Dad’s one day and being a bit startled by the women’s clothes, makeup then playing with it all like a dress up box and being told her new name. I’m not sure how my Mum felt about that as she’s never told me.

I very much doubt it will have come out of the blue, OP. I think your Mum has done a very good job of protecting you from what your Dad's behaviour will have been like leading up to the split. She's a strong woman, I'd like to have a glass of wine or three with her

@Italiangreyhound

OP that all sounds tough for you, actually all of you.

How did your brothers cope?

Also you said earlier on about not liking your body because you felt fat. You also said "As a trans woman, wanting to pass as a woman, she would lean towards stereotypical feminine clothes, makeup, slim etc"

I get the feminine clothes, makeup etc but women are not necessarily slim. In fact many (like me) are the opposite.

I did wonder if any potential issues with food for me came from the fact my mum was very slim and fed us small portions and at 22 I 'branched out'.

I've had counselling and for me it is OCD that had led to food issues.

Neither of my parents is trans (but a young family member is). So I guess a lot if us get a 'cultural' as well as biological legacy from our parents.

Did you? So my second question is has your dad's view" about what makes a woman, negatively impacted you?

I should day I am trying to address being fat due to health issues and not because of how I look.

@Italiangreyhound My younger brothers were half brothers born to my Mum and step-Dad, they were not told about Jane until they were about 16. My eldest brother rarely talks about his feelings so I’m not sure I could speak for him. I think Jane’s idea of a woman is that you need to be slim to show boobs and hips, feminine hourglass shape. She talked a lot about fat, weight etc, which I suppose is the case if you have gender or body dysmorphia? That did impact me but I also went to an all-girls school so I had lots of female role-models, many of whom were worried about being fat. I’m glad to hear that you are focusing on your health, OCD is a tough battle in itself xxx

@TinselAngel

I very much doubt it will have come out of the blue, OP. I think your Mum has done a very good job of protecting you from what your Dad's behaviour will have been like leading up to the split. She's a strong woman, I'd like to have a glass of wine or three with her

My Mum is definitely stoic! She never cried in front of me. She just got on with things and was proud to do so. I’m sorry to hear that you have had a tough time as a trans widow. There is definitely a real sense of loss when someone transitions. My Mum likes Bacardi if you’re interested!

I went through ‘puberty‘ alongside my Dad and she was explicit in every detail of her transition, surgery, sexual relationships etc

That sounds like a massive safeguarding problem and child abuse to me. I know you said they felt they were following guidelines, but I would be very wary of letting my children have contact who thought that explicit sexual conversations with children was the right way to go.

How do you marry this (you said further up that it felt abusive to you too) which family relationships now?

@spongedog

I dont need to ask you anything. But are you OK and getting the right real life support that you might need? Particularly as it sounds as if you cant talk to your mum about it.

Hi, thanks for your support. I have had therapy and my husband is a good listener, as are my best friends. I am following what’s going on in the news with interest, both as a woman and as the child of someone who has transitioned. I am very frustrated that many people are being labelled as trans phobic for asking questions.

WheelyMom thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry things were difficult for you and I'm glad to hear your voice and balance.

@PotteringAlong

I went through ‘puberty‘ alongside my Dad and she was explicit in every detail of her transition, surgery, sexual relationships etc

That sounds like a massive safeguarding problem and child abuse to me. I know you said they felt they were following guidelines, but I would be very wary of letting my children have contact who thought that explicit sexual conversations with children was the right way to go.

How do you marry this (you said further up that it felt abusive to you too) which family relationships now?

I didn’t tell my Mum about these conversations, she had no idea. This was mostly when I was 14+ as I lived with Jane for a while and she said she saw me like her best friend. I honestly think it was a mistake on her part. I’ve had many conversations with her about it, she’s apologised, she didn’t realise. As an adult, I feel much happier drawing my boundaries, asserting myself and we get along but do clash sometimes. I ask her not to to talk about being fat around my daughter, for example, as she is almost fat-phobic.