My Dad is a transsexual, she started transitioning when I was 5 - AMA

[WheelyMom]

There’s a lot of threads on the topic so I thought I’d start this thread xxx

@Mohiqo Gosh, this is difficult. I have no doubt that she believes she is a woman. She has it on her birth certificate. She has had all of the obvious plastic surgery plus Adam’s apple removed, voice box surgery and extensive facial reshaping so she passes as female. She refers to being born in the wrong body and was suicidal before transitioning. She originally had boyfriends after surgery but then ‘came out’ as lesbian a few years ago. The way that I see things is that she has both male and female biology. She was sexed as male at birth, has a skull and skeleton that is male, she has risk of male diseases etc, she isn’t motherly towards me. She lives peacefully as a woman, is not predatory/perverse or causing harm by living as female. I would argue to open up sex categories to include how people identify, I don’t feel that trans woman is a dirty word or is trans phobic but maybe that’s because I was raised by a trans woman? She uses both labels, for example, she would normally call herself a woman but if she was getting into a relationship she would tell them that she is a trans woman.

It is interesting you refer to her as transsexual. Is that how she refers to herself? Does she support the whole new TRA movement? Or does she believe it is harmful to both women and transpeople?

@RuffleCrow Any language that I use is language that I have learnt from my Dad. This is how she has labelled herself. In the past she also referred to herself as having a sex change operation. I think it’s just the clumsy language that was used in that era, nearly 30 years ago? It was very confusing to see Dad with boobs, makeup etc. I overwhelmingly felt that my Dad had died. I didn’t call her Dad, I called her by her chosen name or if talking about her I called her my Aunt.

What is the female biology she has? How do you plan to tell you dd and how do you think she will react?

Why an aunt and not just your father who prefers a non convential way to dress? Was your childhood centered on them and their feelings?

What are your dad's view of pre-op and non-medicating trans people? Are they the same as many transsexuals who don't buy the modern gender ideology?

Please accept this in the innocent way it is written. I know no trans people (to my knowledge) but when I read stories from/about them, my mind sorts of shouts the pronoun used like it is spelled in caps.

Have you experienced this? Like you have to be extra careful with the pronoun, or is the correct pronoun natural to you? It doesn’t seem to happen when I’m referring to a trans person in the media in conversation but I’ve noticed is really pronounced In my head when I read things. I’m hoping when I meet a trans person this will stop happening.

@Clevererthanyou As she is biologically my Dad, then in real life I sometimes refer to her in this way if it fits the context. To strangers I would refer to her as my Aunt as that is much less complicated than the truth! I don’t mind either in this conversation as both fit the context...she is my Dad but I refer to her as my Aunt or by her chosen name...maybe I should give her a code name here...let’s call her Jane, for the sake of the thread! I’ve never had gender dysmorphia but arguably I have had body dysmorphia, feeling fat and ugly....I suppose I was conditioned to believe how a woman should look superficially.

she was explicit in every detail of her transition, surgery, sexual relationships at what age were you? Do you feel that you are being fair giving your parents an equal role in the ending of their marriage?

.I suppose I was conditioned to believe how a woman should look superficially. By whom?

@Packamack It was unquestionably a difficult upbringing, and she has apologised to me as an adult. I suppose I saw how trans mental health and/or gender dysmorphia took her to the brink of suicide.

woman, is not predatory/perverse or causing harm by living as female

You say this. But your description of your father over sharing sexual encounters to his young daughters raises a lot of alarm bells.

Your needs came second to your Jane’s and even now you’re being silenced. Were you angry? Are you angry now?

@SiaPR She refers to herself as transsexual so that is language that I have lifted from her. I haven’t spoken to her about the TRA movement so I don’t know what she would say. One of the reasons that she wants to pass as a woman is because she received verbal abuse as a ‘man in a dress’. A neighbour once threatened to put a brick through the window when they found out she was trans.

It sounds like an emotionally abusive childhood for you. The fact she wanted to share your puberty must have been horrible. When parents say they see their children as best friends it's always looked down on on mn as it seems like the parents are using their kids for support when it should be the other way around

@purpleboy She believes she has a female brain and I can understand her logic though I don’t have any science to support it. There is a trans woman who works in our local Tesco, we speak to her at the tills and subsequently had conversations with my daughter to normalise different bodies etc I plan to be very casual about it and explain it in an age appropriate way, with no shame and no secrets. She doesn’t know how babies are made as that’s not age appropriate so that is my logic I guess. When the time is right it will come up in conversation quite naturally I hope.

sounds like an emotionally abusive childhood for you. The fact she wanted to share your puberty must have been horrible. This and so "Jane" is xy chromosomes but is attracted to xx?

Again, excuse this question if it too harsh...
Do you consider that you have a dad?

@TitianaTitsling I was told to keep it a secret for fear of bullying (I have 3 brothers, so not just me). I have limited info on my parents divorce, I’m sure that my Mum knew that Dad wanted to be/dress as a woman before they married. They have a personality clash so I’m sure that is an adequate reason for divorce in itself. As a trans woman, wanting to pass as a woman, she would lean towards stereotypical feminine clothes, makeup, slim etc For years she would only wear dresses and skirts. I think she lived in fear that she would be attacked so a pretty or feminine appearance was important for her safety.

I went through ‘puberty‘ alongside my Dad and she was explicit in every detail of her transition, surgery, sexual relationships etc It was a very, very difficult childhood.

OP, thank you for coming on here and being willing to answer questions, especially as you say, about a very, very difficult childhood. Do you feel that this was a fair way for your Dad to behave? I am very wary (understatement) of parents who overshare about their sex lives to their children, and it's especially a red flag when the child is an actual child.

(All parents will experience major events in their lives, just as your Dad did. I think it's our job as parents to manage that without making it our kids' job, too.)

@Doyoumind I don’t know her views on pre-op or non-medicating trans people, sorry. I know that she believes that she is a woman, but as mentioned previously she will disclose that she is trans to her friends or if she wants a relationship. She recognises this distinction.

@stayingontherail Bless you, you sound like a lovely, kind, considerate person. I think the media is quick to label people as trans phobic when people are quite innocently asking questions or being involved in the conversation. I don’t have that fear of using the wrong pronoun because I don’t think it’s a hate crime to accidentally or innocently use the wrong pronoun. I know that Jane’s Dad, my granddad would maliciously use ‘he’ ‘son’ and that is different.

@AskingforaBaskin

woman, is not predatory/perverse or causing harm by living as female

You say this. But your description of your father over sharing sexual encounters to his young daughters raises a lot of alarm bells.

This is a fair point, I was referring to the issue of sharing toilets and single sex spaces. Um, yes I have confronted Jane about this as an adult. Her reasoning is that psychologists apparently told her to be open with her kids and that kids understand more than you give them credit for. I think she misunderstood, compounded by mental health problems and gender dysmorphia. I don’t think she was in a good place.

@Etinox

Your needs came second to your Jane’s and even now you’re being silenced. Were you angry? Are you angry now?

This week has been very difficult with the trans debate going on. My Dad identifies as a woman but she knows she is a trans woman who has been through an extraordinary journey to transition. She has said she was born in the wrong body, which acknowledges she was not sexed as a woman at birth. I find it very confusing, even with over 30years in the game! I am angry that some women are being silenced with threats of violence or being called trans phobes just by talking about women’s rights.

@Wishforsnow

It sounds like an emotionally abusive childhood for you. The fact she wanted to share your puberty must have been horrible. When parents say they see their children as best friends it's always looked down on on mn as it seems like the parents are using their kids for support when it should be the other way around

This was sometimes how I felt, for sure.