3 children by 3 different dads in 5 1/2 years. AMA

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I'm about to have my third baby to the third father . My eldest will be 6 a few months later . AMA

@CurlyhairedAssassin it's sad to say but I have to pull all nighters to get the degree work done or it just doesn't get done. It's so stressful.
It was easy when dd was a baby. I didn't like watching tv much so I would study during night feeds and in the day and on mat leave. Since she's slept through the night I've been so stretched for time. I don't go out with friends or have date nights or go anywhere really, but after July it will be worth it

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin not at all. I saw somebody else doing an AMA and thought it would be interesting to see how people viewed my situation. How common it was etc.

@CurlyhairedAssassin I don't view marriage as an outdated concept at all. I would love to get married. But for me personally in terms of providing for my family and looking after myself, I need to focus (both financially and mentally) on finishing my degree and having this baby before I even think about it. And I know even then that I will feel the same way about getting on the housing ladder. I would absolutely love to be married but there are other priorities first. And if the person I marry is right for me they will wait.

You mention getting on the property ladder as a goal, could I ask how you're affording to rent at the moment ?

@CurlyhairedAssassin do I worry about finding a man decent enough to take all of this on?
I have dp. Or df3.

He's great. He loves my children as if they were his own. He had the kids bathed and dinner done ready for me coming home this evening, he's supportive and excited and also wants to get married. He wants to stick around and he works at it.

@TAMumof3 how do you mean? We live in the north if that makes any difference? I work full time in a good job but if I keep my head down another few years I could do better.

Ah that could be it - we are in the South, I too have three children, within five years of each other, I am very inspired by your post in regards to educating yourself into better job prospects and would love to do the same.
I'm finding it so tricky to pay for housing and afford a study course, here average rents for a small ish terrace are £895 pm (Hampshire).

@TAMumof3 I think that's probably the biggest factor. I pay 695 for a beautiful semi detached with a lovely garden, a nice drive and in a good area. That's such a lovely thing to say. I've had to work full time to do it but studying part time has enabled me to do that and it means most of the work is done at home. I get a student loan for my tuition fees paid directly to the uni but not eligible for student loans for anything else. I attend uni for 2.5 hours one evening a week and for one full day each term which I just use holidays for. The kids go to my parents for tea on the evenings I'm in uni. It's been a massive sacrifice and both physically and mentally straining but I'm hoping it will pay off in the long run.

What do you mean by ‘I get a student loan for my tuition fees paid directly to the uni’?

Do you have to pay your fees back when you are earning, or do you mean the fees are paid directly for you, so it’s not a loan at all?

Otherwise I’m struggling to understand why they pay your loan over directly, instead of you being billed for the course and then paying for it with your loan, like any other student. Is that not what usually happens?

No kirsty
What an odd thing to focus on

Kirsty I’m doing a degree with The Open University and student finance pay them directly, I’ve never seen any money and I’m 3 years in.

No difference to kids having same dad in terms of potential dates

Why is it odd? I just didn't understand what she meant, that's all. It's AMA!

thanks for the clarification newyear

Yes I guess it makes sense to have the fees paid directly if it's OU.

It happens with normal unis too-so students cannot spend it. Only the maintenence loans go to the student though they arent always eligible.

I think you sound lovely and I agree with other posters inspiring how you still work hard to better yourself despite everything you have got going on and have previously had to deal with.

I am the same age as you with no children, but I wouldn't judge you!

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin yes student loans company pay my loan directly to my uni.

I'm not with the open university, it's the main university in my nearest city I attend although I don't know if that makes it different

None of the fees have ever been near my bank account. They go directly to the university

I do get an invoice

It is a normal student loan so I will start paying that back soon just like any other student

Hi OP,

This is one of those ones that raises my judgemental thoughts...even though I don’t really know why. Perhaps because I was bought up in a family that were very snobby about divorce/splitting up. They would have rather stayed in a deeply unhappy relationship than admit defeat, which was really unhealthy. If I break it down, I have no reason to judge your decisions. I think you are answering the questions really well and you come across as a reflective person.

I suppose my one question would be is it quite difficult juggling all the contact arrangements? I would find it so hard having to stay in touch with three exes, how do you find it?

My children have no contact with their one father, I also have 3.
It doesn't need to be any different for OPs daughter, if she pulled her socks up and actually parented.
I hate the judgement around women's sex lives, men can shag about all the time without using condoms and nobody thinks any worse of them. The dads are just as bad.

Sorry wrong thread, I was on the mum with a daughter pregnant by 3rd dad but who wasn't caring for the kids x

@Nottoberudebut the contact arrangements isn't actually too bad although if I wasn't in this situation I wouldn't have to deal with it, all I can do is make it as settled as I can.

Ds sees his dad but it's stable, amicable and regular contact. Eow and one evening a week for tea. We all know where we are with it and we are flexible when needed.

My daughter doesn't see her dad, he's never been in the picture post birth and there's a no contact order so I don't have any need to maintain contact with him.

And father no 3(to this baby) is still happily in a relationship with me so I'm only really dealing with one ex.

Some of these questions make me worry a little for my children. I have three children by three men. And they have a wonderful, normal (Would you believe) life. The silent judgement that they must actually face makes me feel angry. They've done nothing wrong and neither have I.
I know so many dysfunctional families that have mum and dad living together.

I've raised two beautiful, kind, happy humans

They are 5&3. I might reserve that judgement until they are at least old enough to vote.

Your post is interesting. But I have some observations, and I think on some levels you are being a little naive. Or perhaps you just don’t overthink, which is probably a bonus in your situation.

There are only 24hrs in each day. It’s the same for all of us.

You:
Have 2 under 5s and another on the way.
Work full time
Are doing a degree
Have managed to have 3 relationships in 5 1/2 years whilst ‘manageing’ the above.

The relationships bit completely baffles me. I don’t see how you can possibly have time to invest properly in any new relationship (not to mention dealing with the fallout from the previous ones, the social services, court hearings etc etc) with the full time job and the young children, never mind the degree on top.
I’d love to know what your degree is, and how much benefit it’s actually going to bring you. Because most worthwhile degrees require a fair bit of graft, which you simply don’t have the capacity to give (well not without ignoring/neglecting your DC/DP/job).
You mentioned that you pull all nighters to get your degree work done.......who suffers after those? Is it your DP, your DC or your job? Because none of us is superhuman (although many women like to pretend they are). Having spent years working nights I know the Day after the nights I’m fit for......er bed. What I’m certainly not fit for is doing another day of paid work, looking after demanding children or sex.

You do seem happy with your current set up though, and a happy mum goes a long way to happy children. I’m just worried that it might all implode, as it has done twice before.