I'm a surrogate - AMA (if it hasn't been done before?!)

[MinecraftMother]

So, ask away! If you like, whatever...

Hi! I'm a potential IP (frosties on ice, not yet actively seeking a match) and am hugely grateful for all you amazing women who help make others' dreams come true by helping them to have a much wanted child

I have so many questions!! Will try not to go into overdrive

Are you GS or TS?

Where are you in your surro journey?

What made you want to become a surrogate?

What are your thoughts about UK surrogacy legislation at the moment? What would you like to see changed?

What are your thoughts about the not infrequent MN debates on surrogacy when it's argued that surrogates are selling babies, being exploited, prostituting themselves etc?

What would you say to those who say it's cruel to 'have your baby taken away from you', or questioning 'how you can give your baby away' (as often comes up in these debates).

Thanks so much

Hi!
I was a GS.
Where are you in your surro journey?
Done and dusted, one boy and one girl later for the same family - youngest is just over a year and eldest will be 3 soon.
What made you want to become a surrogate?
I had the time and wanted to help another woman become a mother, like I was able to so easily.
What are your thoughts about UK surrogacy legislation at the moment? What would you like to see changed?
It needs change, there's no doubt about it. It should be more closely regulated and when it comes to it I also believe that there needn't be the one parent genetic link, but we're some years away from that!

What are your thoughts about the not infrequent MN debates on surrogacy when it's argued that surrogates are selling babies, being exploited, prostituting themselves etc?
I think women are exploited every day throughout the world and it's hideous. But for me, my act (s) was one of true feminism I believe. Helping a sister out.
What would you say to those who say it's cruel to 'have your baby taken away from you', or questioning 'how you can give your baby away' (as often comes up in these debates).
I have three babies of my own, what I did was just extreme babysitting, really.

Argh! I tried to separate the questions and the answers clearly but my clever formatting plan clearly failed...

What is the easiest method of separation for the surrogate. Right after birth & not seeing the baby for a while or updates once in a while. My friend has offered to be a surrogate for me, do you have any advice for us? I really want a child but ideally I want to have her hurt as little as possible in the process.

I had the babies on my
Tummy until the chord stopped pulsing which was previously
Agreed.

Then mum and dad had time with babies skin to skin in another room whilst I was seen to.

I think had a rest and they brought babies to see me for a long awaited cuddle!

They went home after 4 hours or so, I expressed a bottle for them and then took the pills to stop the milk.

We see them whenever we can, once or twice a year but it would be more if we were geographically closer.

Husband and I are Godparents to the first baby. We are just special aunt and uncle, it's very natural and normal. The children know where they were cooked!

I would say that if they hadn't texted me every day with an update and photo of the baby for a couple of weeks after the birth I would have felt a little forgotten. After I got past that potential for the baby blues phase, we just get in touch like close friends do who live 200 miles away from one another do.

Were one or both parents at the birth? Or were they waiting close by? How did that go? Fid you call them at the first contraction? We live a 2,5 hour drive away, so there is a distance to overcome.

I had a c sec with my middle and the first surrobabe was breech so it was a c sec this time too. I've had babies all the ways but c sec is by far the most civilised! We got a date and they came to a b&b the night before.

We negotiated with the hospital for both mum and dad to be there and mum sat with me and dad was firmly placed in a chair in the corner and told not to get in the way!

I am bringing the look on his face to mind now, it's an incredible moment etched in my memory. I shan't forget it ever.

If we'd have gone into labour then we'd have dealt with it until they arrived. We had it all thrashed out in our agreement, which is something you should get. There are wording available online if you look. Just take out the things that don't apply to you (some will be from the States).

Did you get that maternal urge with the babies, and if yes, how did you deal with it?

In my country the birth mother is the official mother till I can adopt them age 1, even though it would genetically be my child. I'm terrified that she will feel that it is her baby since she get's all the hormones from pregnancy. How did you deal with that natural side of things?

Sorry, I keep coming up with questions and I'd rather ask you first than my friend. She is so positive and acts like it's all a breeze while it's a pretty big thing to do for someone else.

I'd like to add that her previous births were very straightforward and went well, a few pushes and that was it. No problems or breech or whatever.

Congrats on your three children @MinecraftMother and on the births of your surrobubs - what an incredible gift

Were your IPs known to you, or did you match via an agency or indy?

We have reached the end of the road with my body, there is no chance of any of our remaining frozen embryos be coming a person inside me, as Drs on both sides of the Atlantic have confirmed that my uterus is unable to sustain a pregnancy - and that surrogacy would be the only way forward if we were to continue treatment with our frosties. It's an enormous step, and I'm learning so much from the surro community, and speaking to so many incredibly surros (and IPs)

It's such an amazing gift, it saddens me that so many people see only one side of it, and imposed their POV on how surros must feel, when they don't actually speak to surros to understand more about their own actual experiences!

The current legislation doesn't seem to offer surros or IPs sufficient protection - what changes to the law would you like to see? Most of the surros I've spoken to would strongly advocate for surrogacy agreements to have legal standing and for pre birth orders, but not for a US style system of commercial surrogacy. Would be really interested to understand what you would like to see in UK surrogacy law, if you don't mind the question

Did you feel the rush of love for the babies when you saw them? If so, do you still love them like they were your own?

The love I feel for them is like for my close friends' kids. And that is all. I know that might sound cold but the part of you that's worrying she doesn't hand over the kid is the part of her worrying you won't want the child/one of you dies!

Neither baby were mine genetically and I could very much separate myself from them. There was no rush of love and i think stopping the milk helped with that a lot.

The most emotional I felt was watching them leave the ward as a three for the first time. Our journey had come to an end and I mourned that but not the 'loss' of the baby. She was with her mother.

How does the baby legally become their parents child? Do they have to adopt the baby?

@ButtonMirror - through a parental order process, not adoption

www.gov.uk/become-a-childs-legal-parent

Do you plan to do it again?

What advice would you give to someone considering being a surrogate? What advice would you give to someone considering using a surrogate?

Can we have a key please

IP means ?
GS - gestational surrogate?
TS ?

IP = intended parents. At least one of the intended parents needs to be genetically related to the baby

GS = gestational surrogacy (also known as host surrogacy) This is when the surrogate has no genetic relationship to the baby - the baby is either conceived from the intended mother's egg and the intended father's sperm, or from a donor egg and the intended father's sperm, via IVF

TS = traditional surrogacy (also known as straight surrogacy). This is when the surrogate is also the genetic mother of the baby - the baby is conceived via insemination with the intended father's sperm

Thanks, bananafish - it seems obvious when someone writes it down

OP - where you not afraid of sustaining life-changing birth injuries?

IP - intended parents
TS - traditional surro where she uses her egg and his sperm
GS - gestational surrogate

No, I won't be doing it again. I have three kids of my own and in getting the surro babes I had a near miss with an ectopic which was unpleasant. Also, I've finally been made a partner at my firm so couldn't really do that to my other partners!! If I had a bad pregnancy I'd leave them in the lurch. Also I am old now (!) and can't imagine 2 weeks from birth to office will work this time!!

Yes, there was a part of my afraid that pregnancy is of course the most dangerous time for a woman but my
Last 3 births were perfect - even the middle one which ended as a c-sec.

So no, I thought the odds were in my favour really. Naive? Optimistic? Maybe, but statistically my husband and I figured I'd be fine.

Advice from me would be to take your time with the match. Download an example surrogacy contract and work through it together, the two couples. It will ensure you talk about everything you should - treatment, pregnancy, birth, contact afterwards...

Mainly ensure that your husband is on side 100%. Anything less will cause resentment if you have to rely on him as a result of pregnancy sickness etc.

Hello Minecraft Mother. I think what you've done is amazing.

How did you manage work? As a surrogate do you still get a (shorter?) maternity leave to deal with the physical effects of the birth?

Do you think the babies miss your scent and voice when they leave you?

How old are you and is there an age limit? I’ve always liked the idea of being a surrogate for someone but I realise in practice it’s not so simple.