I don't have custody of my children, AMA

[arisefromtheashes]

It's a very long, complicated story and I can't be too specific about some details but I'll try and answer as honestly as I can.

I have name changed as I am worried about the judgement but I genuinely want to talk about it and try and remove some of the stigma and shame that comes hand in hand with this situation.

do you still get to see your children? I can’t imagine what it must feel like and I hope you’ve had support.

That must be hàrd for you. Are they with their father/mother? No judgement from me

@Bigpizzalover yes I do, I visit them once every few weeks or whenever I can afford it. They live in another part of the country with my parents so more often is difficult but I'm always there for Christmas, birthdays and special occasions like ds moving to secondary. We go on holiday together in the summer, and some half terms if we can. My parents and Dp have been very supportive. Absolutely nothing from SS, not heard a peep from them since the dc's left.

@LEMtheoriginal it is incredibly hard, some days more than others. It took me a long time to learn how to cope and some days I really struggle but I try to remember that we are some of the lucky ones. My dcs are safe and happy and being brought up by my wonderful parents. We still have a great relationship. It has been hard on them too but we've all tried to make the absolute best of it that we can.

What were/are the circumstances that led to you not having residency of them?

Is there any chance you could regain shared/sole custody in the future?

How old are they And how long ago is it since you lost custody?

Will you have them back to live with you at some point?

Were your children removed by SS?

How long ago was it?

Was it your decision?

@DragonMamma the short version is I developed depression after my exH and I split. My ds2 is severely disabled and since my exH moved hundreds of miles away and provided no assistance of any kind I had to give up my job, lost my house and struggled to cope. I had no family or friends to help out either and SS were spectacularly unhelpful. A few months later I was raped and developed ptsd as a result. After that I just unravelled.

I still have PR but 49% and my parents have 51%. There is a guardianship order in place which is quite hard to undo so realistically I probably won't have them back to live with me until 18+, if at all.

Technically I could go back to court and apply to have it undone, my circumstances have changed a lot but they have been settled for 3 Years not and are happy and thriving. Ds2 is in a specialist provision that is not available in my area. To uproot them now would be selfish and detrimental to them.

In the end I agreed to it. I couldn't fight them any more at the time.

Hypothetically, if you moved beside your parents in the morning, do you think they would be willing to give you full custody again?

And do they take into consideration your wishes? For example, if you wanted a DC's hair long, and they wanted it short do they just automatically do what they prefer or is it discussion/negotiation?

That sounds like a traumatic experience for everyone involved, thankfully though it sounds that though it's difficult it's working out as a good solution

Have you ever considered relocating to be nearer them, would you be allowed be more involved in their lives if you did?

Did your parents volunteer or did you ask them? Do you have much input into their lives?

When you say you couldn’t fight them - did they keep the children against your will initially

And do they take into consideration your wishes? For example, if you wanted a DC's hair long, and they wanted it short do they just automatically do what they prefer or is it discussion/negotiation?
Perhaps the OP and her parents even allow the DCs to decide what length they'd like to have their hair, rather than negotiating for control between them! Seems a strange thing to bother about, whether the OP has control over the length of her DCs hair

Can you not move and see your children more often? I think its very brave to accept they may be better off somewhere else and I'm glad you still get to spend special time with them.
Were you ever worried that they may go to a stranger?

My parents volunteered, which I am eternally grateful for. I don't think I could have asked them, I would have felt too guilty. I still do tbh.

When I say I couldn't fight them anymore, I meant SS. I felt like if I didn't agree it would be done anyway against my will and it would be a lot more traumatic than it needed to be. As it was the move was well planned in advance, the dcs knew it was happening and everything was set up to make the transfer as easy as possible for them. I really tried to do everything SS asked but they kept moving the goalposts and it was one rule for them, another for me. It was just so much pressure, I broke under it.

I speak to the dcs and my parents very frequently. They discuss everything of importance with me and take my wishes into consideration although usually I defer to them since they are the ones doing to day to day care. I think that's only fair. They send me copies of school reports, etc.

Unfortunately it isn't as simple as moving next door. Custody still would not be reverted to me without lengthy court proceedings which neither of us have the funds for. I would love to live closer but they live in a very expensive area of the country and if I moved the absolute most I could afford would be a room in a shared house and even that would be a stretch. Not an appropriate scenario to have them visit either. Rents in their area have gone up astronomically.

@Allthatsnot I would have been very worried but fortunately my parents stepped in before that was ever an option. If they hadn't, my sister would have stepped in. I am very lucky to have my family.

Can you not move closer?

Another are you as rude when you don't have anonymity? It was an example. About small, day to day decision making. No need to be arsey

May I ask why your parents didn’t help you keep the children rather than them taking them?
Sorry for all that you have been through

They were too far away to help day to day sadly, and both working full time. I know they 100% would have done if they could. I didn't have any friends or family to help in the area.

trippingthevelvet
Another are you as rude when you don't have anonymity
Even if you thought my 'Seems a strange thing to bother about' was really rude, I'm guessing you haven't been on Mumsnet much .
Seriously though, it wasn't my intention to offend, I just haven't decided what length my DCs will have their hair since they were about 3, I'd assumed most people let their DCs choose, within reasonable limits. Goes to show we're all different :-).

Ignore the spare 'Even'

I've been here over a decade. And you were rude. The fact that there are some absoute cretins on here doesn't negate that. But if that wasn't you intention, fair enough.

Sorry for the derail OP. I hope your circumstances continue to go from strength to strength. It really sounds as if you've been through the mill

So sorry to hear you’ve had such an awful time and I wish you the very best for the future.
Would it not have been possible for you all to go and live with your parents?

Do you have a plan for the future? Will you move closer in time or could your parents move closer to you? Even if the SGO stayed in place presumably you could still see them daily if you were close enough?
Will you have more children? Would you have to inform SS if you did?
Do your parents have full control over how you spend time with them? ie could you have them overnight or take them on holiday if your parents agreed?