I don't have custody of my children, AMA

[arisefromtheashes]

It's a very long, complicated story and I can't be too specific about some details but I'll try and answer as honestly as I can.

I have name changed as I am worried about the judgement but I genuinely want to talk about it and try and remove some of the stigma and shame that comes hand in hand with this situation.

Is there the option of moving in with your parents? If so, is there a particular reason why you've not made that choice?

I'm sorry you're going through this

OP, a cold icy hand gripped my heart when I read your post and Im so very sorry this happened to you, to all of you, and I hope people take time to read and think about everything you've written before replying in a way that isn't kind.

You said earlier that when everything was happening you had no family to help you but you do have family so did you actually mean there was no family near by?

Also I have to admit that I did wonder like the previous poster if moving in with your parents was a possibility?

Where I love its very common for people to care for a siblings child or for their grandchildren to live with them for many a reason that has everything to do with practicalities, then we also have generations of the same family living under one roof. I'd have any of my lot to live with me in a heartbeat, I'd also do what your parents have done in a heartbeat, and I wish nothing but the best of times ahead for all of you.

@Allthatsnot my parents have the final say in how I spend time with the children but yes they would be absolutely fine with it if I wanted to have them overnight or take them on holiday by myself.

Sadly I can't move in with them, they just don't have the space, especially as one of my siblings has recently moved back in (temporarily). I wouldn't ask them to move nearer to me as they don't own their home outright and all their friends are where they live now.

I don't really have much of a plan for the future as there are so many unknowns and so many variables but I do know that whatever happens we will find a way to make it work.

One thing I am adamant about is I will not have anymore children. I want to prioritise the dcs I already have and I don't want them to ever feel like I replaced them. Ds2's special needs make life complicated enough and I want to put all my energy into being a good parent to them.

Plus I'm fairly sure that SS would be involved from the start and, while my circumstances and mental health have dramatically improved and I doubt they would have any reason to remove any future children, I just can't take that risk. If it happened again I don't think I would survive it.

Thank you @HattieAndHerBoy that means a lot to me.

You are right, I had great moral support I just didn't have anyone physically close, because I followed the age old MN advice of moving away from an expensive area to go where the work was and where rent was affordable. That happened to be 300+ miles away so when the shit hit the fan I had to do everything alone. Every TAC meeting, every conference, every meeting with the school, I even had to go to court on my own. I later learned that there were support services available but SS never told me about them and I didn't know they existed until everything was over. It was a very stressful and difficult time.

What sort of support did ss offer you, before the guardianship order? If you don't mind, what triggered the referal? What were there concerns? Do you resent your parents at all, for not having you to stay too? Were you drinking heavily or using drugs at the time?

I'll admit SS terrify me. The thought of anyone taking me son away from me, totally legally, has kept me awake at night in the past. I had some brief involvement with SS, (ex's mental health issues, and having to have the police remove him from my home), and I've never felt so relieved in my life as when I got the "case closed" letter. I'm glad you all seem a lot happier now, and that you still have a good relationship with your kids.

*their

OP I appreciate that housing is expensive where your parents live, but 300 miles?

Is there really nowhere closer that you can afford?

300 miles is a huge distance and will put a huge gulf between you and your kids, not to mention expensive travelling costs.
Even if you could find somewhere within 30 miles or so it would have a huge impact on the frequency of contact- 30 miles could mean you see them weekly.

Sorry but I would be moving heaven and earth to shorten that 300 miles.

Thank you for starting this. I’m in a similar position except no court and no SS involving my actions at least. They live with their dad - I wish they were with me or my parents but he won’t allow it and they are brainwashed teenagers now.

I’m still grieving but like you I have to parent from a distance and have faith that they feel my love. It seems so simple from the outside but anyone who knows me can see how hard it is. That I don’t want to destabilise them. The stigma is immense but I wonder how common it is? I was a very hands on mum and I never thought I’d be in this position. It happens so easily. Good friends are shocked. Good luck OP for the future. You’re very strong to be hanging in there. Keep going...they need you.

I was brought up by my grandparents and in my case it was absolutely the right decision. I saw my parents three times a year, and did miss them, but my grandparents were able to provide stability and consistency for me.

I have no doubt that it was hard for my parents, but they chose to do what was best for me, not what felt best for them.

Thank you @stilllearnin. There is a huge stigma, even just mentioning SS, because it conjures images like baby P, horrifically neglected or abused children and to think that I might be tarred with that same brush by association is extremely upsetting. I am not a bad person, I was just very unlucky in a lot of ways. My children were not abused or neglected. It has taken a long time to get to a place of acceptance, I was very angry and bitter for a time. I never ever thought I'd be in this position. The grieving never really ends.

@speakout It isn't 300 miles that was just an example for the sake of anonymity tbh. It is actually cheaper for me to live here and commute rather than live there.

@WickedLazy, very little in the way for support. I was referred for respite for ds2 but that took 9 months and when it was finally set up there was no one in the area who could have him. They offered no other help other than to tell me to search the internet for providers.

I said that I was depressed but didn't want medication and wanted to try councilling instead. The appointment was in another part of the county and I don't drive so was reliant on the hourly bus service but the timings meant that I could not be there to pick the dcs up from school. They didn't offer anything else. There is a lot more examples like that but I can't go into everything on here. There were a lot of demands, a lot of things I had to do but not much forthcoming from them.

Referral was initially about an incident involving my exH where I was not present (not abuse).

I was not a heavy drinker and am still not. I've never used drugs.

Is it hard in terms of authority when you and your parents are around? For example would they ask you or your mum if they can have X? And if they ask you do you feel you can say no to them? And if they ask your mum do you feel resentful of that?

Wish you all the luck in the future OP.

I’m not sure whether that dignifies a response. Her kids need stability...you have to look at the most sustainable way forward and hostels are not known for that or positive effects on mental health! They are with their trusted grandparents and believe me it’s brilliant they have that stability. OP has done what she can and continues to do so. As I said, it happens more easily than you think. Without drink, drugs or neglect.

Fair enough @speakout, let's hope you're never in a position where you have to.

@3stonedown no, I never feel resentful of my parents. They have done more for me than I could have ever asked of them so I am happy to go along with whatever they think is best although tbh we never really clash on what to do with the dcs, we're very much on the same page. Mostly the dcs do ask me for things when I'm there but I don't want to be the 'Disney mum' and spoil them. I stick to the same rules as they always have if you see what I mean.

i really think some posters need to lay off the op about moving closer.

It’s quite clear that it’s not an option and that we are being given the merest of details of their circumstances, it’s pretty plain to see that there is so much more going on. Give her a break with the guilt trip!

op FWIW I think you’re incredibly brave to come on here. I wish you well.

Speakout
OP but I would live in a hostel to be near my kids. Pity you don't feel like that.

The OP is trying to be honest. No need to kick her when she's down. She has explained the reasons why this wouldn't be workable for her and her family.

You sound fortunate to have such a supportive family Wishing you well for the future, it must be very difficult.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this OP. Through what appears to be no fault of your own, you’ve had your chidlren taken from you! That doesn’t sit well with me. Struggling mothers should be supported to care for their children.

Do you think SS failed to adequately support you to keep your children? Do you think they would have pushed so hard to remove them if there were no loving family to send them to?

OP you sound like an amazing person who has just had a run of bad things happen and awful luck. I had SS involvement going through family court due to exP's mental health and luckily they were fantastic and quickly grasped the situation for what it was however I know that getting a good SW is luck of the draw. People need to realise that it would only take one breakdown, one lie from a malicious ex, one incident that leads to them suffering some trauma and it could happen to them.
Everything you have said has been a well considered response as what is best for your children and I wish you all the very best.

Op . What you've been through sounds like every mother's nightmare, but you have clearly put you children's well being before your self.
Speakout it is not kind to make comments like yours.

OP, how old (ish) are your parents - are they fit/young enough to cope with 3 DC? I can't imagine how hard it must be not to have your DC living with you. You mentioned that your sibling has moved back in temporarily with your parents - presumably that means when they've gone there'll be space. Could you move in with your parents then?
I know of a couple of grandparents who have guardianship (in those cases due to drugs/prison) and I think it seems a really good way of providing stability for the DC and allowing them to have contact with parents if appropriate.
I must admit that I'm a bit about the not being able to move closer/move in with your parents, but I have a feeling you can't relay everything on here.
Good luck

This is an 'ask me anything' thread not 'come along and criticise me'

The topic is emotive and the OP is being very brave putting herself 'out there' in order to help remove the stigma around this. It also highlights that it can happen to anyone when situations stack against them

If you can't say anything constructive, then don't say anything

OP. What you have done, and continue to do for your children is amazing - putting their needs above your own. You may not see them every day but you/they likely have a stronger relationship than many - quality over quantity

My parents are quite young (mid 50's) so they are fine at the moment. If they ever got to the point where they felt they couldn't do it anymore then we would have to sort something else out.

I admire your bravery and honesty in coming on here. Thabkfully, most posters have been sympathetic. Shame about the few that didn't bother to read between the lines.

My son was in foster care when I had a breakdown. That was 6 years ago and the decision to place him into care was mine.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It must be incredibly hard.

OP but I would live in a hostel to be near my kids.

Pity you don't feel like that.

I try to show empathy to other people.

Pity you don’t feel like that.