I don't have custody of my children, AMA

[arisefromtheashes]

It's a very long, complicated story and I can't be too specific about some details but I'll try and answer as honestly as I can.

I have name changed as I am worried about the judgement but I genuinely want to talk about it and try and remove some of the stigma and shame that comes hand in hand with this situation.

I have had a friend in a similar circumstance and who I let come and move in with me to help them stay together. I must admit that after that experience (and some fibs from SS - which is difficult as I work for the same council) I would put a webcam up in every corner of my house and on myself and record everything that happens if they came for my kids. Most SS are lovely and kind but as with every profession you only need the one that isn't.

If it happened again I don't think I would survive it

A soul can only take so much in one lifetime.

@Dandygal1976 while I am not one of those parents who believes that SS steal babies for cash bonuses or anything, but I was quite shocked in my dealings with them. I thought they would try and help but they really did very little that was helpful.

On their notes from our meetings, they repeatedly exaggerated and sometimes outright lied about things that I had 'said', on more than one occasion they completely invented statements made by 'me'. They gave opinions about what had happened in certain situations as if it was an actual fact and when I questioned it or said it was wrong nothing was ever done about it or changed on the notes. I was just ignored.

I was truly mystified as to why they would do that to me. Why would they lie? Why would they make things up? What had I done to deserve it? Was it a personal attack? Were they just making it look as bad as possible to get the case resolved as quickly as they could? I don't have answers to any of these questions.

I think the simple answers are the most likely. The people involved in my case are fallible humans who made mistakes. They do a very difficult job and are under a lot of stress.They were not evil. They were probably not determined to destroy my life. It was probably not personal. There was possibly something else behind the scenes that had an impact that I don't know about. It doesn't really matter. The end result is the same and I have to accept that it happened and try to continue my life. Hating them won't change anything and believing bizarre conspiracy theories doesn't help anyone and just makes me look crazy!

I'm sure there are wonderful social workers out there, ones to do genuinely try and help people. But I can't forgive the professionals involved in my life (not yet anyway) and I will never trust them again.

@arisefromtheashes You sound like an incredibly brave & strong woman. Every mother says that they will a,ways do what is best for their children but you have made the incredible sacrifice of not living with your children to give them the best life possible. I guess we don't know how strong we really are until we have no choice but to be strong. Your children are incredibly lucky to have a mother like you.

Are you not annoyed that your sibling is living with your parents instead of you? When you could be living with your kids instead of so far away?

No not at all @usernameismyusername. In reality it would make little difference as they are squeezing my sibling in as it is, now she has a job it is only a matter of time before she moves out. She has no privacy and shares with the dc so it's really not an ideal situation. There really isn't room for the number of people that are living there long term.

Thank you @PeterPiperPickedSeaShells that really means a lot to me.

For a long time I felt completely worthless, like I was a horrible piece of shit who deserved everything that happened to me. I felt that it was right that all my friends stopped talking to me and I couldn't make any new ones because how could anyone be friends with a woman who lost her children? Such women are monsters, child abusers, addicts and terrible people and I was one of them. Or so society believes.

I left virtually every meeting with SS or any professional in floods of tears because they made me feel like I was such a failure and a waste of space. By the time the decision had to be made they had utterly convinced me that I was unworthy and incapable.

I fully intended to kill myself, I planned it all out and was just waiting for the right time. But eventually I realised that there would never be a right time, and for all my flaws and mistakes, my children love me and need me in their lives, and if I'm not around I will never have the chance to make it up to them. Every day I'm alive is an opportunity for positive change.

Goodness Arise you have had to deal with a lot. No questions, just wanted to let you know that I sympathise. I look back on DD's early years and am surprised that this didn't happen to me. I struggled massively (which I now see was undiagnosed PND) and can see how easily I could also have ended up in a similar situation to you. Far from being a 'bad Mum' you have recognised what is best for your kids and are making sure they have the stability etc that they need. I applaud you.

I’m sorry for everything that happened to you that led to this. You sound like a wonderful Mum, who’s making the best out of the situation you found yourself in, and your kids are lucky to have you, and their GPs. I’m glad you’re in a better place now 💐

Sorry @AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale I just realised I hadn't answered your question. No, I don't think they did enough. Before or after. The stupid thing is, I think if they had just helped me with childcare I would have had respite for ds2 and had a break, I would have been able to go back to work which would have eased the financial pressure and done wonders for my mental health. I also would have been able to access the counselling I needed.

I can't fault the services they provided afterwards for the dc's who were, understandably, their priority. But it was incredibly frustrating and disappointing to see how quickly and readily they provided access to services when it was other caregivers looking after the dcs and not me.

I think if my parents were not available as an option they wouldn't have been so quick to jump to removal. The cynic in me thinks it's because an SGO essentially puts all the financial burden onto my parents in a way that long term foster care doesn't - foster care would mean the LA and SS are obligated to pay for the placement as long as it is active and it is easier for me to try and undo so it's potentially more expensive and more work for them. An SGO removes all that, and crossing the county line means we were essentially another LA's problem. But I could be wrong.

They provided no aftercare at all for me. I've had no contact with SS since. I really do believe that aftercare in situations like mine needs to be an essential part of the process because to just leave devastated parents to it after having their children removed only solves the immediate problem. It doesn't address any of the issues that caused the problem in the first place and leaves the door wide open for history to repeat itself over and over. Some women have multiple children removed as they try desperately to replace what they have lost. Of course it doesn't work and creates more work for the system in the long run. I know money is finite but if they just devoted some resources to helping these parents recover maybe they would not repeat this vicious cycle. I would love to work with parents who have gone through the same thing I did so I could help them but it might be a conflict of interest and I'm not sure I could remain detached.

Thanks for responding OP. That’s really heartbreaking to read and very insightful of you to be able to see all that. I have had SS involvement too and while the reasons were different, I was also struggling at the time. I feel extremely lucky that the SW I was assigned was amazing and couldn’t have done more for us. I was terrified when they first became involved as I feared what has happened to you- lies, exaggeration, pushing to remove my children. I have heard of that so many times, I’ve never heard a good experience of SS involvement. I so so sorry you didn’t have my SW. if I had my way she would be running the whole show. Your children should be with you. I’m so angry for you and for them that you were failed so badly. I truly wish you all the best for your future, you’re clearly a very strong person and your DC will see that you did the right thing for them. I wish you peace and stability and support to keep being the good mother you are being.

Much love to you OP. You speak on here with courage and levelheadedness. Thank you.

Much love to you OP. You speak on here with courage and levelheadedness. Thank you

In the nicest post way the OP really is quite something.

No judgement from me op just bucket loads of support.

I had PTSD after my daughter’s birth and was a total mess, I can see how easily things could end up like this. (I was lucky, good psychologist and health visitors etc who ‘got it’ and supported me not criticising me)

I have had a dreadful experience of the family court system; of how easily their can be miscarriages of justice (and I say that as a lawyer). I was shocked how easily my abusive ex’s acting skills and a lack of attention to detail by the judge and lawyers could lead to really poor decision making. My heart goes out to others who experience this.

It sounds like you are doing absolutely everything you can in the circumstances. I think it might be harder for you and your parents if you move back, I’m not sure that’s the panacea some people think it would be.

I’m so glad your children have stayed within the family.

Don’t let the opinions of those who are quick to judge get to you. It’s easy to judge when you haven’t walked in those shoes.

I realised that there would never be a right time, and for all my flaws and mistakes, my children love me and need me in their lives, and if I'm not around I will never have the chance to make it up to them. Every day I'm alive is an opportunity for positive change.

OP, if you got to that point without counselling I am in AWE of you. That's amazing.

You sound like you've done amazingly well op. So sorry you've been let down by so many different agencies.

My question is regarding the handover day. Do you remember it? How did you feel coming back to an empty house, or was it not like that?

You sound like a lovely person op.
Please ignore the unkind posts.

You sound like you have everyone's best interests at heart

How sad for everyone involved. It's good that hear you are feeling better. How are you kids doing?

@LookAtIt yes it is very sad for all of us. My dc’s seem to have adjusted well fortunately and are doing brilliantly. I think it has helped DS2 massively that he is now in a proper special needs school that can manage his needs appropriately and this allows him to learn and progress so much more than before. He has come on leaps and bounds since moving there so in some ways it has all worked out for the best. I just wish it could have been different.

OP, that’s good to hear the kids are doing well. That must make it all a teenier bit better for you. You could have gone through all of this and the kids not have settled through no fault of anybodies. Iyswim.

Best of luck for the future. I hope you continue to get better and that your kids continue to be happy.

I honestly wouldn’t judge you. It’s not your fault you had MH problems.

Thank you all for your kind words and support, it really means I lot to me and I really didn't expect it!

@NeverTwerkNaked it is quite scary how people's experiences of the same system can be so drastically different. But I suppose that would be the case with any system based on humans and their judgements.

I too have thought long and hard about the reality of the situation if I moved. There are many, many issues that make it not a good move, for myself or the children. There may come a time where I have to make a different choice but I think for now things are as good as they can be given the circumstances.

@detdet sadly I do remember most of it. I don't think I will ever be able to forget. I almost wish I could because it is incredibly hard to even think about. Tbh I have not really spoken about that day to anyone since it happened.

My parents came to pick them up so I had to pack up their things for them to take with. There was limited space in the car so they couldn't take everything. A lot of toys and clothes I had to give away afterwards. I remember loading the car up with boxes.

I wanted to cry the whole time but I didn't want the dcs to see me upset because I thought it would upset them. I tried to just be as light and breezy as possible and tried to make it into a positive thing for them. Inside I was screaming. I told myself that I had to pretend, just until they were on their way, then I could fall apart. I would not do it in front of them. I didn't want them with that mental image of their mother so distraught. I held it together. They were ok about it all actually and didn't seem upset. I told them I would see them again very soon (which I did a few weeks later).

I don't remember much of that day after they left. I remember dp was with me and we just got in the car and drove. I don't remember where we went. I didn't cry, for some reason. I felt like I couldn't, like something in me had died. I just felt like I was just made of stone.

The days after were very difficult. I was receiving housing benefit, having had to give up my job, but I knew I wouldn't be eligible for anything once the dc left so I had found a new, smaller place to move to with dp. My LL was lovely and had allowed me to paint the dcs bedrooms but I had to put it all back to neutral whites before I left so in the few days I had there before we moved I had to paint over it all. I had a mural from their favourite Disney movies in each of their rooms and obviously I had to take them down. That was when it really hit me and I stood in their empty rooms and just sobbed my heart out. It completely broke me. After that I really couldn't wait to leave, I couldn't bear being there anymore.

I couldn't stand the silence in the house either, it was always so noisy before and I cannot stand silence to this day. It rings in my ears so I always have to have something on in the background.

I didn't think I would ever be able to get through it at first, I felt like I would never be happy again, and if I did I would be a terrible person because I couldn't possibly go on living and enjoy anything about life without them.

op. Thank you for being so brave to do this thread. I’m glad that you still get to see your kids and that your parents don’t try to get in the way of that. I’m sorry that this happened to you. (((Hugs)))

Op, I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that trauma.
I have no doubt that when your kids are more aware/ older/adults they will feel extremely proud of their mother.
I know I would be if you were my mum.