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AMA
Original poster

I had a secret family with a married man. Ask me anything.

64 replies

TwoBlueLights · 16/07/2018 00:04

Just that, really. The romantic relationship ended several years ago now, after lasting for nearly ten years, but our child is still a secret at his end. Most people I know have no idea of the situation and would be very shocked.

OP posts:
UndergroundSun · 16/07/2018 00:15

How depressing.
Does he have other children? Does he see your children?

Emma765 · 16/07/2018 00:16

Why?

CoteDAzur · 16/07/2018 00:23

Do you have no self-esteem?

LatteAndLettuce · 16/07/2018 00:24

^^ all of those. Sorry to hear you have so little faith in yourself OP.

pallisers · 16/07/2018 00:25

I feel very sorry for your child.

LunaTrap · 16/07/2018 00:26

Why do you allow your child to be kept someone's secret?

DaisysStew · 16/07/2018 00:27

How will you explain this to your child when she’s older?

Did you ever stop to consider the damage you could’ve caused to his wife (and kids if they have any) or were you too “in love” to give them a second thought?

SheShreds · 16/07/2018 00:27

At which point did you learn that he was married?

An ex and my current DH have both had uncles come out of the woodwork after their dads (ex & DH's grandad) died. One was a full sibling and one was a half sibling. It was generally felt it was a huge shame that so many decades had passed before these family members had been able to meet and that some family members had died and missed the chance completely. If your child has half siblings, will you tell them? Do you hope to introduce them one day?

Original poster
TwoBlueLights · 16/07/2018 00:28

Why?

It was an accidental pregnancy, and at the time I didn't know anything about his home life. I discovered later on. It was a great shock. We weren't in a proper relationship at the time, we were just dating casually in and in the very early stages so I knew very little about him.

I have very mixed feelings about my decision to continue the relationship but I felt at the time that it was the only way he would be involved in our child's life.

Do you have no self-esteem?

Very little. I have not been in a relationship since and see a therapist regularly, mostly to work through issues around self-worth and guilt.

OP posts:
RoboJesus · 16/07/2018 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lottiesco · 16/07/2018 00:31

Some of here questions are really low.

Op I'm sure your doing the best by your child. He's the one in the wrong not you.

Also I'd rather be you, than his poor wife.

Smallhorse · 16/07/2018 00:33

Such nasty questions !

Op are you happy with the situation ?

Apileofballyhoo · 16/07/2018 00:36

People's responses are a bit harsh, OP. I'm sure this was incredibly difficult. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.

Were you very lonely? Christmas birthdays etc? How did you explain his absence/presence?

Original poster
TwoBlueLights · 16/07/2018 00:36

Did you ever stop to consider the damage you could’ve caused to his wife (and kids if they have any) or were you too “in love” to give them a second thought?

No, I've thought about them a lot over the years and felt a lot of guilt. When I found out that he was married I had no idea of what to do. It felt as if all of the options would be very damaging in different ways.

Do you not care about your child?

Is that a serious question?

OP posts:
Someoneelsee · 16/07/2018 00:36

Robo do you not think before you speak?

There are FAR WORSE ways to be raised

Original poster
TwoBlueLights · 16/07/2018 00:39

Op are you happy with the situation?

I carry a lot less guilt since our relationship has ended. I wouldn't say that I'm happy with the situation, though. I'd prefer it if my child wasn't a secret and knew their father's family. With that said, I also know that the revelation would probably be a pretty unhappy one for lots of people and so it's hard to wish for that either. I also can't be sure that they would welcome my child's existence, so it does feel as if it might cause a great deal of pain for no benefit.

This post was edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 16/07/2018 00:42

Does your child have a relationship with their father? Do they know that he has another family? Does he provide financially?

Original poster
TwoBlueLights · 16/07/2018 00:44

Were you very lonely? Christmas birthdays etc? How did you explain his absence/presence?

Yes, I was desperately lonely and unhappy, although I've also been very lucky to have a big and loving immediate family, which has really made the whole thing bearable (they know).

Birthdays were especially awful!

Because it had been the situation from the outset, I think that my child was more inclined to see it as the status quo, though. They have always seen me as a single mother and their father as an occasional visitor rather than constant presence. They have still not asked questions about it, which concerns me in some ways because either there may be an issue with them being avoidant... or we have it all to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwoBlueLights · 16/07/2018 00:50

Does your child have a relationship with their father? Do they know that he has another family? Does he provide financially?

DC doesn't know. But yes, they have a relationship with their father, and I think it's emotionally important to them and satisfies a deep need although it isn't that much time-wise. Yes, he provides financially to a certain extent.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 16/07/2018 00:58

Can't you tell his wife now?

Arum51 · 16/07/2018 01:14

How old is the child now?

verystressedmum · 16/07/2018 01:45

How old are the fathers other children?

MistressDeeCee · 16/07/2018 02:02

I do wonder why so many AMAs now are about women who've been with a married man. This must be 3rd or 4th I've seen. Are they in the Daily Mail yet?

I've heard of situations like this where the child grows up and seeks out siblings, then the parents aren't really involved as they're not at the forefront of it all given that child has grown to adulthood; hence parents not a priority in the situation. That's probably the best outcome.

Snickerdoodledandy · 16/07/2018 02:36

Someone in my family had ow but no dcs with her but dcs with dw. Ows family didn't know he was married. All came out at the funeral. This happened loads years ago as people didn't get divorced then. Didn't think this sort of thing still happened. Think that u should tell yr family and ask their advice. Get support it's a real can of worms.

Original poster
TwoBlueLights · 16/07/2018 09:02

Can't you tell his wife now?

I have thought quite a lot about doing this, and actually it has been something I have talked a lot about with my therapist. For the past few years I have sort of made peace with this not being my responsibility. There are arguments on both sides, of course, which I have had with myself too, but my child is the person to whom I owe the greatest duty, and they really value the relationship they get to have with their father -- I don't want to jeopardise it.

OP posts: