I had a secret family with a married man. Ask me anything.

[TwoBlueLights]

Just that, really. The romantic relationship ended several years ago now, after lasting for nearly ten years, but our child is still a secret at his end. Most people I know have no idea of the situation and would be very shocked.

I'm not going to go into ages in case it's identifying; you can work out roughly what age my child is but the specifics aren't that important.

What a difficult position for him to put you in. I don't think I agree with your decision to continue the relationship but I can certainly see why you did and that everything has been done with your child's best interest at heart.

I'd commented on the other 'I was ow ama' thread too but your situation and attitude is like night and day to her.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. You sound like a wonderful Mum.

Sounds like a really tough situation.

Has your child asked to meet their fathers family like grandparents, uncles from his side of the family?

I think if my DH had a secret child I would have wanted to know about it asap. Imagine finding out about it 20-30 years later. I would feel like a mug. The secret child will also have lots of questions when he/she gets older. It will eventually stop being a secret but I would rather it would happen sooner or later.

If you child is a similar age and lives nearby to the wife’s children do you worry they could know each other accidentally? See each other at a party etc?

twoblue how awful it must have been finding out he was married, then wrestling with deciding what to do whilst pregnant.

It must also be so difficult for you knowing that he spends more time with his first family, than your DC.
I suppose all you can do is emphasise and RE-emphasise that your DC is no less important to his/her father, just that they were born later, into different circumstances.

I’m so glad that you have a wide and close immediatel family; that must help a great deal.

And a big Fuck Off to all the self-righteous who’ve been asking you deliberately sarcastic, callous questions.

I say this as someone whose former DH had his life with an ‘Account Manager’ (with everyone in his business and beyond knowing about it) all nicely lined up before leaving.

Being someone’s wife or first wife does not give you the monopoly on morals. Have a bit of compassion.

Why won't you tell DC about her father's other family? Are you afraid of her reaction when she does find out one day?

I have a close friend who is the child in this situation. He always knew that his dad had another family.

When he visited his dad in hospital (friend was in his 30s) he bumped into one of his half-siblings who had no clue whatsoever that he existed. I think my friend took it easier than his half-sibling because at least he'd always known.

Just as a heads up - be prepared for lots of anger later at her father. My friend really struggled with the fact he was a secret. And as he got older and his father retired, the father contacted him a lot less (because his wife was more likely to find out). That was very hard on my friend.

Sorry, @willtheyevergotosleep what is aimed at me?

This man really is a shit, isn't he? First of all he was "dating" - why the hell was he dating when he was married? It's one thing to fall head over heels with someone, but to date? He could certainly compartmentalise his life, couldn't he?

And then why couldn't he make absolutely sure that you didn't get pregnant? Why couldn't he wait until you were using protection yourself and then use a condom to double up on security? Absolutely selfish bastard, he is.

Is he named as the father on the birth certificate?

Oh and another piece of (unsollicited ) advice. Get as much money out of him as you can now.

As I said, my friend's father took less and less interest and gave less and less money and he ended up really struggling as a student. Very rich father refused to help every with 50 quid because his wife "might see the money going and wonder why" [anger]

I think your child will be OK :) My mom was part of the “secret family” the sibling never really met but my mom did love her dad. My godmother’s daughter also was “the other family” I think they were more aware of her and she was actually invited to her dad’s funeral. She now lives a very happy married life with 2 uni age children who are doing awesomely.

My family (mom and uncles) nor my godmother’s daughter seem to be affected by being the other family :)

When you found out he had a wife, what made you continue the relationship at that point?

Has your child asked to meet their fathers family like grandparents, uncles from his side of the family?

No, my child has never asked. They all live in another country so I think it has seemed more natural that we have no contact.

If you child is a similar age and lives nearby to the wife’s children do you worry they could know each other accidentally? See each other at a party etc?

No, there is no chance of this as they live quite far away.

@HollowTalk Yes, it was very selfish of him. And yes, I think that leading such a double life is only possible for somebody who is able to compartmentalise to an unusual extent.

To be completely fair to him, the pregnancy was pretty unlikely and there was no particular fault on either side that led to it.

Is he named as the father on the birth certificate?

No, he refused to be, and you need the father's permission to name them on the birth certificate if you are not married.

In the end this has been useful for me as it means I can travel easily with my child without his permission etc.

Why won't you tell DC about her father's other family? Are you afraid of her reaction when she does find out one day?

Yes, I am very worried about how DC will take it, and concerned about how and when to share the story.

When you found out he had a wife, what made you continue the relationship at that point?

I don't know that it was the right decision, but it felt like I was enabling our DC to know their father. I am fairly sure he would not have developed a relationship with them otherwise, or maintained it as well. Also, of course it changed the dynamic completely and meant we had a (limited) family life, of sorts.

Also I did really love him, and having a child together did bring that out. I saw him in our child, and our child in him, and it made me feel differently about him and also as if having a child gave us some right to his time, attention and caring. It was all an awful situation as obviously if he had really loved me I feel he would have let me go to find somebody else and have a real relationship.

I mean, I didn't know him well enough to love him initially. And then when I found everything out I was very angry with him and upset. But the love that I felt for him developed as time went by.

FWIW, I feel very sorry for you, and your child. This arsehole has done a real number on you. I wish you the best. And I say this as a cheated-on wife

My dp is a secret love child.

The wife found out when her husband died. She put all his kids names on the gravestone and left dh off. Dh was a toddler at the time. None of the legitimate children know about dh.

Dh's dad was middle aged with teenage children, MIL was early 20s when they met through work. He always said he would leave his wife when the kids left home, but then he died. He doesn't come out of it sounding very nice and yet MIL still never says a bad word about him. None of it is fair on dh.

Plus it's awkward when I visit the local hairdresser and my SIL is chatting away to me oblivious to the fact she is my SIL!

AuroraFloyd Tell her. The man's long dead. Your dh isn't after anything from them. If I had a 'secret sibling', I'd want to know. I just would. Even if we had nothing in common, I'd just want to know about it. I'd possibly be pissed off at my dad for a bit, but it wouldn't be my main focus.

One of my daughter's friends has recently discovered that she has an older sister that her mum gave up for adoption when she was very young. Daughter's friend and her siblings are delighted! The woman has been welcomed with open arms by her siblings, DESPITE the fact that their mother is having a hard time adjusting. The siblings see it as two different things. They're all adults, and don't judge their mum. They can see this is difficult for their mum, and the sibling's dad. However, they feel they are entitled to make their own choices here.

I don't mean to upset you but I have basically been your child (no affair but father/mother did not marry and father kept me a secret from his family for my entire life for other reasons and my mother did nothing to change this and then passed away when I was 15). It has been very hard on me. Not so much as a young child but probably from the age of 12 onwards I would say I began to internalise "why doesn't he want to know me, who are his family, what are my grandparents called" and I must say its absolutely horrible. I'm not blaming you for the situation but you need to do something about it now, even if you are rejected by his family (hide all this from your ds until he is old enough) and when he does ask, which he will eventually trust me, you can at least say I tried to tell them about you son. Right now you are facilitating the lie/secret and that will be very hurtful to your child when he is old enough to comprehend what has happened here.

@Nogodsnomasters I do think about this one quite a lot, and anticipate a lot of these feelings coming up. I've felt them myself, and can only imagine that it must be even tougher to internalise them while growing up.

I'd also get a massive sense of relief from not having anything secret any more.

But I feel like it's a huge risk and that DC would blame me if bringing everything out in the open meant that everything blew up and their dad didn't see them any more. Right now he sees them at least weekly. I'm very reluctant to do anything to jeopardise it.

(In an ideal situation obviously the contact would continue and perhaps also grandparents would want to know DC. But my fear is that grandparents would, quite understandably, feel loyalty to their son's wife and children and not want to know - and that the relevation would really hurt his wife and family - and that the result would be that my child wouldn't see their father at all afterwards).

And I want to say that I'm really sorry you experienced this