I had a secret family with a married man. Ask me anything.

[TwoBlueLights]

Just that, really. The romantic relationship ended several years ago now, after lasting for nearly ten years, but our child is still a secret at his end. Most people I know have no idea of the situation and would be very shocked.

@TwoBlueLights this is a very insightful thread, well written and you have carefully answered each question. Thank you.

Do you worry about your child judging you when they learn the truth - both in terms of morally (shouldn't have had an affair), bad decision making (failure to insist on openess with their fathers family) and suddenly turning on you as a result (you raised me to tell the truth, not to lie, be moral and look at how you behaved)?

I'm not judging by the way - it's a genuine question. It was a real fear of a friend of mine who had a long running affair w a MM (and would not have had an abortion) - that if she accidentally got pregnant how could she morally raise a child with the values she wanted if that was their start in life.

How do you cope with that aspect of your situation?

@TwoBlueLights

have you ever gone and watched him and his other family? have you ever seen his wife, kids or him without them knowing.

Also do you ever check his families social medias to follow their lives?

Do you worry about your child judging you when they learn the truth - both in terms of morally (shouldn't have had an affair), bad decision making (failure to insist on openess with their fathers family) and suddenly turning on you as a result (you raised me to tell the truth, not to lie, be moral and look at how you behaved)?

Yes, I do worry about my child judging me, although because they love their father very much and value their time with him I think they will also be likely to understand some of the reasons behind my choices. It's very hard to know how all of this will affect them or how they might feel about me (or their father, or themselves) in future and yes, I do worry about it a lot. That is partly why I have been seeing a therapist, to figure out some of this stuff and to try manage the damage as much as possible.

*have you ever gone and watched him and his other family? have you ever seen his wife, kids or him without them knowing.

Also do you ever check his families social medias to follow their lives?*

No, I have never seen them and I don't check their social media. I have Googled them a few times in the past, which gave me a grip on reality as I ended the relationship, but didn't really feel it was a healthy thing to do again.

My absolute worst nightmare - I literally have nightmares about it - is the idea of passing him in the street with his family, while I am with my DC, and having him not acknowledge our DC.

I also used to have bad dreams about being invited into their house or entering it accidentally (I have no idea where their hosue is or what it looks like, so it was different each time in my dreams and purely imaginary) and walking through it, seeing their family life, and feeling unspeakably terrible.

Thank you to the people who have said kind things.

Thank you for answering op, I understand you not wanting to jeopardise contact for your son and his father however one day he will ask and you will probably be the one left to answer all the difficult questions. Do now what you think will make it easier to answer those questions in the future, if that makes sense.

Thank you, that is good advice. I feel like I am always thinking about it and trying to decide what to do!

I knew someone in the same position but when the child was conceived, he was living apart from his wife. Then he went back to his wife and one child and had another child.

Shortly afterwards his ex-girlfriend told him she was pregnant. So he supported her and his child and saw them regularly but his two other kids knew nothing at all about it until they were adult (his wife knew and it was never mentioned), when his daughter with ex-g/f wanted to know her siblings.

Eldest child was upset but came to terms with it - youngest child bonded with half sibling and was happy. Marriage broke up!

He's been on his own ever since.

You're doing the best you can in a difficult situation so well done to you for that but I do feel in a few years your child will investigate further and the secret will be out. By that time you will be able to handle it.

I dislike the judgemental tone of some of the posters on this thread. All I can say is, they must be perfect people with never a mistake to their name!

It's not all 'mistake' though, you have a child whom you love!

Good luck to you.

Thanks for this thread OP. You’re being very honest and thoughtful in your answers. I’m sorry for any of the judgmental tones you may have experienced: life isn’t black and white.

My questions are: did you consider an abortion? If not, why not? And you mention that your DCs fathers family live abroad. Is he of a different cultural background to you?

Thank you.

Do you ever think about what would happen if he died unexpectedly? No one would know to tell you and your dc

I imagine he will have asked someone, discreetly, to tell the op if he died.

I think what would worry me about it is that it is usually easier for children to adapt to a situation if they grow up with it rather than it being sprung upon them later.

In the sense that whatever the situation if the truth is known by everyone including the child so if, say the father chooses to have no contact, the child grows up with that and knows no different.

This is certain to come out at some point - even worst case scenario at his funeral - and I think a sudden reveal in later life can be more damaging for everyone involved - not just your child but his other children and wife.

It's a hard one and I don't envy you OP.

My questions are: did you consider an abortion? If not, why not? And you mention that your DCs fathers family live abroad. Is he of a different cultural background to you?

I did consider an abortion, but not really that seriously. I always knew I wanted to have children and after years of struggling to conceive in a past relationship I didn't take it for granted that I would be able to again. It was pretty good timing for me in terms of my career and financial position, which helped. And actually when it was still early enough, I didn't actually know the full situation (although I did know I had got pregnant accidentally with somebody I didn't know well, and wasn't in a serious relationship with!)

Yes, he is of a different cultural background. I don't want to say what exactly but it's a country where in past it might have been considered acceptable for a man to have multiple wives/families.

Do you ever think about what would happen if he died unexpectedly?

Yes, I have thought about this a lot. Financially, he has taken out a relatively small life insurance policy in my name (which I have to trust that he continues to pay, but I'm sure he would). I am financially independent anyway though. Emotionally, well - that would be it. We wouldn't go to his funeral as it would be beyond inappropriate, and for this and many other reasons it would be extraordinarily traumatic. It's also possible that something would happen to reveal our child's existence - e.g. that one of my messages would be read, or something similar.

I think what would worry me about it is that it is usually easier for children to adapt to a situation if they grow up with it rather than it being sprung upon them later.

In the sense that whatever the situation if the truth is known by everyone including the child so if, say the father chooses to have no contact, the child grows up with that and knows no different. This is certain to come out at some point - even worst case scenario at his funeral - and I think a sudden reveal in later life can be more damaging for everyone involved - not just your child but his other children and wife. It's a hard one and I don't envy you OP.

As I've just written above too, I definitely wouldn't feel it was appropriate to go to his funeral if anything happened to him. If our child was older then I suppose it would be their decision but I would strongly dissuade them as I don't think it would be in anyone's best interests. That is even assuming we found out about it before it happened!

I completely agree that a sudden reveal is likely to be more damaging for anyone involved. Hopefully our DC will become more emotionally ready to learn more about the situation at some point (they aren't now, which worries me, so I haven't broached it with them although in some ways I would imagine that it is becoming obvious that something is weird. Nothing has been asked though).

Of course, in an awful way I know I am lucky that I have the option of telling my child gradually and in the most sensitive way I can. There will be other shocks and repercussions for them later in life but I can lay some of the groundwork and hopefully avoid at least some of the damage. I feel terrible for his wife and family, who don't have any knowledge and therefore real choice. But also it makes me feel very reluctant to tell anyone anything, as it would bring their world crashing down. And who really wants to do that to somebody?

And despite him being of a different cultural background where it could historically have been considered acceptable to have a second family, I really don't think that (a) it would be considered acceptable now, or (b) that they are aware in any way that he could have done this.