OP, i’m an alcoholic. my parents are alcoholics, and i was raised with my alcoholic mother and alcoholic stepfather. i drank to the point of losing everything - my job went, then my kid, my marriage, my home.
being an alcoholic isn’t a choice, but drinking is. AA didn’t save me just by me going to meetings - i found a sponsor, worked the Steps and gave it everything. i haven’t had a drink today, and that’s fine by me. i mean, i haven’t had a drink for nearly four and a half years, it today is all we have.
if i can get sober, i believe anyone can. i was drunk round the clock. i drove drunk. i turned up to work drunk. i travelled the world, drunk. i drank from the minute i woke up - mouthwash, if i had to - until i finally stagger-screamed my way into unconsciousness at the end of whatever day it was.
if you’re into AA, you’ll have heard the saying that alcoholism left unchecked ends in one of 3 ways: jails, institutions or death. i did institutions a couple of times, and i very nearly died. as in, actually collapsed thinking i was finally dying, alone in the dark hallway of my tiny rented flat. someone got me to a lunchtime meeting the next day, i signed up again with alcohol treatment services in my town and did 3 months outpatient rehab alongside AA. not picked a drink up since, one day at a time, and all that.
it does get easier, otherwise nobody would make it. but you have to work hard, face yourself and ultimately forgive yourself. it’s worth me repeating that i was a mouthwash-drinking, vodka-in-the-mornings, police-welfare-checked rock bottom alcoholic.
i did it, OP. i AM doing it, every day that i put my head on the pillow at night, sober. you can do it too. what’s more, you deserve it. you deserve better than this.
be well, and hold hard. sobriety rocks, even when it’s properly shit. get amongst it.