I am very, very messy. AMA

[timshortfforthalia]

So in a different environment, with perhaps different expectations of you, you can do what you feel unable to do at home.

just my proximity to stuff will trash it Can you feel yourself trashing, or is it like that feeling when you stuff down a huge bag of crisps and think god, did i really just eat those?

No. I simply won't allow you to fall into the "the problem is me" trap.

No.

What is mess? It's lots of things that have not been moved. That's it.

A non-messy person moves things.
A messy person does not move things.

It is as simple as that.

A non-messy person takes a plate of toast to the table, eats & then takes the plate to the dishwasher.

A messy person leaves the plate on the table (I'll do it later) which is then followed by a cup, a glass, another plate, a newspaper, yesterday's mail and a cereal bowl.

The ONLY thing that makes you different to a non-messy person is that one quick trip (5 seconds) to the dishwasher. That's all.

Once you realise that that is the one and only thing that makes a messy person messy, then you can be mindful of it.

At the moment you are lost on the fog of "I'm just naturally messy and I don't know why" which feels hopeless and depressing.

Well, I know why...your belongings make a one way trip & then take weeks to go home again. The non-messy person's belongings take a two way trip within a short space of time.

That is truly the ONLY thing that makes you "messy".

@BananaToffo and @nicenewdusters

Really interesting last two posts, thank you. And thank you for engaging with me on this. I'm off to bed now but will check in tomo to respond.

You sound very perceptive and self-aware but the way you say just my proximity to stuff will trash it is almost like you feel it’s something completely out of your control that can’t be helped?

I am overly good at other people's houses cause I it's something I am super-aware of. I prob over compensate because I feel like just my proximity to stuff will trash it, so I am really tidy, careful and clean.

At work, yes, I'm a real mess. Which means I have to work harder to get the same end result as other, more organised people

I found this really interesting too. So, you are actually able to be tidy but choose not to be tidy at work even though it causes you more work. Do you feel that the effort of tidying is not worth the benefit you get from it causing you less work?

Another messy person here! I love the place to be spotless, but I just can’t maintain it. We have a cleaner once a week but it takes me longer to tidy up for her than she actually spends cleaning.

One thing that has helped me is 2 boxes in each room, an in-box and and an out- box. When tidying anything in the wrong room goes in the out-box. We then take a box each and distribute the items to the correct rooms in-box. It can be a race for the kids to get all their items put in the right room first!

Kardashian, your post is really interesting because I absolutely feel that trashing a room within 5 minutes is something that happens to me and is beyond my control. I am messy everywhere and it doesn’t seem to matter what I try. It seems to be this magic skill that nobody can explain to me. I try to tidy as I go along but the places I need to put stuff are messy too.

Hi OP. Interesting thread. Hope my question doesn't offend.
I'm quite a tidy person. Not pristine but things are always put away on the right place and I find this very easy. When my DD makes a mess on the day, I just put the things away that she's left out or ask her to put it away. It takes less than 5 minutes to whizz round a room and put stuff back. So my question is, how are you making the mess and what kind of mess is it? Because you say that you don't have much stuff or clutter so I'm just wondering what could be left out that you feel would stop having people over or even having a cleaner in. I'm just struggling to visualise how one person can make a mess of a room that has just been tidied!

@SecretMagicThings
I was going to say exactly the same

I'm just surrounded by stuff in my house and NEVER invite friends round really and if I do I'm so stressed I'm nearly having a migraine before hand trying to rush round.
I shove everything in cupboards, and upstairs then I cry for hours because I've lost stuff. I'm aware this is damaging for dd and need to get sorted.

I need some proper storage for stuff (but money is very tight) but my washing piles are huge (I seem to have so much stuff!) and there's only 3 of us and I'm pregnant and worrying about doing another persons washing too I'm struggling as it is. I work myself up and spend a lot of time crying when I'm on my own about it all.

I want a nice tidy house but just totally lack energy and enthusiasm - being pregnant has just made things a million times worse and I'm so embarrassed I'd never want anyone to come in.

My partner is amazing and does loads to support me but I'm terrified he'll leave me if this carries on.

When I had dd now 3 I got in a right state about health visitors and people coming round and I feel the same again - watching this post for advice!

SecretMagicThings it is that ‘messy people’ think it’s sooooo much more effort for them than it is for ‘tidy people’?
I think most tidy people have to put effort in to be tidy, their houses don’t just stay tidy by magic, it’s hard work! Obviously being organised storage wise, not having lots of unnecessary stuff makes it easier and there is obviously those with physical/neurological difficulties where it is actually harder work.

As a reformed messy person I would argue that it is actually more difficult for a "messy person" to keep an environment tidy than a "tidy person". I think this is because tidy people have almost certainly established a routine that is quite efficient and requires little thought to sustain. Starting from a good position and then keeping on top of things is very possible with these things in place.

For a messy person to keep their environment tidy it usually requires a massive effort to get everything tidy in the first place and then they need to expend further energy trying to piece together a routine that works for them and embed habits that support this. If you aren't used to tidying as you go and cleaning things at certain times then it can be really hard to keep on top of things without it feeling like a gigantic effort and an impossible task.

Would it work if you removed things to say one area and then concentrate on cleaning the cleared areas. I know that then creates a dumping area but then you only have one bad area. I think the tidying takes so long cos of the where does it go you never get to making say 75% ok. If I have made a mess I move stuff to the dining table, clean everything else and then tackle table.

Yes Bella, I also need to sort out storage but never have enough time or money.

Kardashian, the trouble is when I ask tidy people they either say it is easy or say things like, just tidy up as you go along or just put things away. Not specific instructions for this which is what I need! Plus I tidy then the kids untidy.

I totally agree with you Bumpity, being tidy is so alien to me it is such hard work.

Bumpitybumper that’s interesting. I do think that it’s still hard work/effort for ‘tidy people’ though. Even if it is more engrained and habitual for them, they still have to do exactly the same thing to keep somewhere tidy (once everything is cleared in the first place that is).
So both messy and tidy people have to hang their coat up when they get in, put shoes away, put plates in the dishwasher instead of leaving them on the table, etc. I do think sometimes ‘messy people’ think these tasks are hard work for them but not others, if that makes sense.

The dishwasher thing always confuses me too. My dishwasher is either running or needs emptying so I can’t just put things in there, it would be a 10 minute job to empty it first.

Would ideally love some sort of system from ikea but no money for that but I think that would be a huge help for me

@SecretMagicThings
Like I said earlier, I used to be a messy person so understand where you're coming from and how frustrating and hopeless it can all seem. I think people who have never lived like this really struggle to understand how people are so messy as being tidy is so engrained in them that they don't even give it much consideration.

FWIW I credit my transformation to firstly getting on top of everything in terms of really sorting out my environment and finding a place for everything. I won't lie, this was hard to do but I think it was essential. Secondly and most importantly, I realised the key word was "discipline". I devised a routine that worked around my other commitments and stuck to it no matter what. No excuses, no procrastination. I forced myself to put things away when I was finished with them and do all those quick jobs immediately. I refused to listen to the part of my brain that had previously given me permission to leave things a little while or have a rest before starting a job. As I wasn't naturally gifted with tidyness it was a real struggle initially but now I find it so much easier as I just expect to do these things.

it would be a 10 minute job to empty it first. but it’s going to be a 10 minute job whether you do it straight away or later. (does it really take 10mins or are you just imagining the job is biggger than it is?)
Doing it later just creates extra work as you’ve then got to move the plates to the sink and then to the dishwasher.

@Kardashianlove
Of course you're right that physically it's the same effort for a messy or tidy person to put something away, but the big difference is that a tidy person will do this without thinking whereas a messy person really has to force themselves to do it

I guess I would most compare it to driving. An inexperienced driver will probably expend the same physical energy driving a journey as a more experienced driver however the inexperienced driver will have to put so much more mental energy into the gear changes, reading the road etc whereas the experienced driver will do all these things without much thought. The journey itself may be identical but the experienced driver will find it much easier.

@Kardashianlove I agree with that definitely. To me 10 minutes to empty a dishwasher sounds ridiculous. I don't have a dishwasher. I can wash all my dishes by hand, dry them and put them away in 15mins. Just to put things away would take maybe 2 or 3mins. I think perhaps 'messy' people overestimate how long jobs will take and so leave them, which is then makes it take longer. For example, to tidy my living room takes 5 mins. If I left it for 3 days it would take much longer. So then I would have it in my head that it takes SO long to tidy my living room which would put me off doing it again. A bit of a vicious cycle.
As for tidying as you go along. It may not sound like specific instructions but it really is as simple as that. When my DD gets out lots of toys I let her play until lunch/tea time (whatever meal is next) and then I say ok DD tidy up time. And we tidy the room.
In the kitchen if I get things out I throw packets away straight away. I wash dishes while waiting for things to cook because I'm in the kitchen anyway. In the bedroom when I get into pjs I put dirty clothes in the wash and things like jeans I can wear again go back in the drawer not on the floor. It would be easy to throw them on the floor but then if I do that says in a row a 10 second job of folding jeans and throwing a top in the basket turns into a much longer tidy up of lots of clothes.

I really hope I don't sound judgemental. That's not my intention at all. I really am just trying to help posters who asked for more specific instructions of how to keep tidy. If you keep on top of things it does became easy. I only do a clean twice a week (clean meaning vacuum and dusting and cleaning the bathroom) which again takes me maybe 30-45 mins because it's done regularly. I think it's about getting into a routine and forcing yourself until it becomes second nature.

Op I had the same issue then came around. Watch all those videos on YouTube for help. Become a minimalist and meal plan.

U sound like u overwhelm urself hence why takes a lot of energy to remove the mess . Just don’t do messy tasks as often

Since you don't wish to do pictures, how would you rate your house on the clutter image ratings: hoardingdisordersuk.org/research-and-resources/clutter-image-ratings/

(I would say I'm 2-4 for most of the rooms, except for that one unused box room that's got piled high and out of hand.)

Do you think your home is helping you or hindering you? Things like not enough space, awkward furniture, floors that just don't come clean feel like a nightmare for me.

If you are naturally messy but carry on as you are the untackled mess is going to build up until you are overwhelmed. But saying it's me, I can trash any space is tbh an avoidance/ 'poor me' strategy: if you genuin ly find it stressful you have to bite the bullet of deep clean (bin bags for outright rubbish like cartons/bottles/food waste, cardboard boxes for 'keep' , 'bin' , 'charity shop' for everything else). Then maintain with 10-15min bursts twice a day. One session upstairs, one downstairs, daily. It's really not hard, takes 10secs to always take cups back to kitchen. Put things back when used & have clear plastic toybox in sitting room corner for quick toy tidy etc. Not every toy needs to be downstairs, just the regularly chosen ones. Any toy not touched for 6months, get rid.

The OP has said that decluttering isn't the problem. It's making a mess with the small amount of stuff she has.

There's no way it takes 10 minutes to empty a dishwasher. I do mine in the couple of minutes it takes to heat the coffee machine.