I am very, very messy. AMA

[timshortfforthalia]

I have a wonderful, kind friend who struggles with this too, she will often use humour to hide it but I know it bothers her.

I'd love to help her out but don't know how. Would you be offended if a friend turned up at yours offering a few hours cleaning/ decluttering? I'd most likely bring wine too!

Can we see a picture of a typical trash please?

Im tidy

I lie

Is it a form of hoarding? Do you have emotional attachment to things? Or is it just finding the energy to clear things?

If I can’t decide what to do with things I just pick everything up and put it in a box. Then I can clean without dedicating any head space to sorting

@lostinjapan I was half-tempted to post a picture of my kitchen as it is right now, but DH would KILL me.

Not a single dish has been put away since tea last night and there and plates and food everywhere. That's just laziness, I guess. It's also a high degree of tolerance to mess and dirt. I find the repeated, non-stop process of cook, clean, tidy, laundry in, laundry out so mind-numbing awful that I just don't so it for large chunks of time.

To be honest, if I showed you a picture of my sitting room, it would look ok-ish. It's a bit dirty and smelly () but I own no stuff so it's not so bad.

My problem isn't really like one of those hoarding programs. It's more like it gets trashed really quickly all the time. And I guess also that I have large periods where I can't be bothered to do the day to day stuff that needs doing. That can't be bothered thing feels really physical, isn't that pathetic? Like I just need to go and sleep instead. Which FYI is what I did this afternoon and is the main reason the kitchen is so bad right now.

Do you have emotional attachment to things? Or is it just finding the energy to clear things?

I am one of the least sentimental people you will ever meet. Yes, it's the no energy things that gets me. But I have energy for other things - I can easily rack up an hours run, a quick swim and a yoga class all in one day. I tell myself that I'm doing these things to help me have enough energy to tidy and clean tomo

Do you think you are depressed?

@HighwayChile

I'd love to help her out but don't know how. Would you be offended if a friend turned up at yours offering a few hours cleaning/ decluttering? I'd most likely bring wine too!

I would def not be offended. Chat/clean sounds lovely and a good distraction. You'd have to not mind if your friend's house got messy again, a kind of no-strings-attached kind of thing. If you could then hang around to model tidy/clean behaviours for a month or two, that'd be even better!

That's interesting. I am messy and terrible at housework but I thought it's because I've never been shown how or told what to do. I just don't get when housework is supposed to be done. Like you, I am good at setting up systems for keeping order but never stick to it x

Have you tried gathering everything up and putting in one place, like on a spare bed piled up. Then spend some time doing the cleaning, so you aren't wasting time wondering where to put stuff etc, after you've done the cleaning you can tackle the big pile of stuff. Even just sort it first into person or room. My house is a mess at the moment as I've got a lot on so I'll be doing the above tomorrow too if I have some time!

Do you think you are depressed? @RailReplacementBusService

No, but really struggled with depression in my late teens, including a couple of periods of hospitalisation.

I am really happy and have been for a few years. However, I am a very emotional person, prone to mood swings and apathy. I work VERY hard not to be mental. A lot of my energy goes into keeping my head above water.

@LookMoreCloselier

Have you tried gathering everything up and putting in one place, like on a spare bed piled up. Then spend some time doing the cleaning, so you aren't wasting time wondering where to put stuff etc, after you've done the cleaning you can tackle the big pile of stuff. Even just sort it first into person or room.

I think I will do that tomorrow, thank you. I don't actually mind the cleaning bit of housework, and love the rewards it brings. DH is away but back on Sunday. I think he'd be overjoyed to come home to a clean house and as a family we could prob all get stuck into the spare room pile on Saturday.

@Rozzzzzalmost35 it sucks, doesn't it? Be nice to yourself. We place so many character judgements on tidiness, cleanliness and order. It's really just another skill and one that some people find very difficult. Like some people struggle with mental maths, others with catching a ball. I believe that everyone can learn it, obvs, but that journey is a lot harder for some people, especially if you've never seen someone else do it.

Why don't you save up and get a deep cleaner in?

I know that sounds like a cop out, but why not?

There are people whose job it is to go into absolute squalor and sort it out...so your place would probably be a walk in the park for them.

If it were me, I would grab some plastic boxes (cheap from Wilko), shovel all clothes and personal things in, tell them to leave those...and then have at it.

It's OK to adnit defeat. And if you're embarrassed you never have to see them again.

Also...what contribution does your DH make?

OP. Being really honest, how do you think you would feel if you came home to a completely tidy and thoroughly clean house? Not how do you think you should feel, but how would you actually feel ?

If you were then able to put things away as you went along, and do all the things you say you can't, how would you feel in your house? Would it feel like you, or like your house?

"...least sentimental..." and "very emotional". That's an interesting combination?

@BananaToffo

Why don't you save up and get a deep cleaner in?

We had a cleaner weekly when the dcs were small and I was at home. It was totally worth it, but also really stressful trying to tidy for her.

I now work full time over four days and the idea of trying to get the house together each week for a cleaner to come sounds awful , pure hell.

Also...what contribution does your DH make?

He very patiently tidies up after me. He is so non-judgemental and wonderful about this. He knows that it gets worse when I am struggling, and so is even nicer. Last week I had a bad few days and the place was awful, I apologised and he just shrugged, told me not to be silly and that we would both get it sorted at the weekends. I love him so much. We are both very kind and non-critical of each other - neither of us is perfect.

No, I mean as a one off. A single deep clean taking a day or two.

Then you can begin a new regime (for want of a better word). The problem you currently have is finding the energy/motivation to do the kind of cleaning your place needs. So let someone else.

The thing is...I know where you're coming from. It's so, so hard.

The psychological pressure of looking round a home that badly needs sorting and knowing you have hours of work ahead of you to get it done. And then, once it is, you have a lifetime of trying to keep it that way. It's stressful and paralysing.

I am a fan of giving yourself permission to farm a job out to others if it feels too much for you at the moment.

Honestly, living in a chaotic home is massively stressful...as you know. Don't think you'd be a failure if, just once, you called in outside help. You'd be amazed how many poeple do

@nicenewdusters

OP. Being really honest, how do you think you would feel if you came home to a completely tidy and thoroughly clean house? Not how do you think you should feel, but how would you actually feel ?

I would feel amazing. DH was seriously ill with measles a little while ago and one night I cleaned and tidied kitchen before bed. The next morning felt incredible and visualising and remembering that feeling motivated me to clean every night for the next week or so while he was ill. It didn't last though. I also started drinking during that time (am basically teetotal) and re-took up smoking as well, so I don't know what that says... ;-0

Hi my name is red - and I am a messy person.
Please do not worry about your DC.
Mine are now adults, and they have very tidy homes.
But recently they have had some problems outside of their control, and they know they can 100% rely on me for much needed emotional support.

and something you don't often hear on MN, but your DH sounds very supportive

Are you only untidy/messy in your own home ? What about if you stay somewhere else, or at work ?

OP - that says you were very stressed. You don't need to beat yourself up over it

@BananaToffo

I dp get what you're saying and I have no problem getting people in, it just seems pointless when the problem is ME. The place can be immaculate, and then I'll trash it.

I think a deep clean is a good idea though. And maybe rather than the stress of having a weekly cleaner, maybe a once a month thing. If I organised it to be on the afternoon of my day off, I could spend morning tidying then go running/swimming while they were here. Do you know, I think I will do that.

Such an interesting thread OP. Your relationship to cleaning and tidying sounds very bound up with your emotional state, and maybe your need not to "be mental" as you put it.

Your DH does sound very supportive. Is your home the one place where you feel you can relax and stop trying to hold it all together?

@nicenewdusters

Are you only untidy/messy in your own home ? What about if you stay somewhere else, or at work ?

I am overly good at other people's houses cause I it's something I am super-aware of. I prob over compensate because I feel like just my proximity to stuff will trash it, so I am really tidy, careful and clean.

At work, yes, I'm a real mess. Which means I have to work harder to get the same end result as other, more organised people. I am going to try to get better at this though. And I am a lot better at work than at home.

@ redshoeblueshoe

Please do not worry about your DC.
Mine are now adults, and they have very tidy homes.
But recently they have had some problems outside of their control, and they know they can 100% rely on me for much needed emotional support

That's great to hear, thank you. And well done on being able to support them in their hours of need. That's no small accomplishment, I hope mine will feel the same way about me when they are adults.