I live in a commune ... AMA

[NoCatsOnTheTable]

We prefer the term "intentional community" though

DP and I share a large rambling ruin house with 10 other adults and 6 children in total. We all have our own bedrooms and families have their own living room too but there is also a shared living room, office space, 4 bathrooms, 2 kitchens (1 meat 1 veggie!) and a sort of utility room in one of the outbuildings with washing machines etc.

I've got 3 children (14, 8, and 5) - the youngest two have lived here their whole lives.

Everyone I meet always has loads of questions (no, no we don't practise free love) so go on, AMA....

(I'm going to bed but will be back in the morning!)

Do you like all the other people?

How interesting! Do you all get on well with each other, and socialise together? What are the main pros and cons for the children in your opinion?

Do you have any problems with dominant personalities / males when it comes to decision making and discussions in the house? Every communal type situation Ive been in has ended up being eroded and eventually spoiled due to the behaviour of dominant people, usually men.

Are people crb checked before moving in to a large house with constant access to young children??

How did you find out about the commune?

How do you decide on new members when space becomes available?do you all have voting/veto rights on new applicants? How do you advertise? How do you resolve disagreements? (Agreeing with SealSong’s points.) Can people be forced to leave? Do you cook and eat communally?

I’ve always thought this kind of arrangement sounded interesting.

Can I live there op???!!!

We don't always get on by any means. There is a couple here atm that I frankly dislike because I think they're sanctimonious twats (I'm sure the feeling is mutual) but we still manage to work together and keep it civil. We've had some proper humdinging arguments here in the past and twice since I've been here (just over 10 years) the result is one or more people leaving. We do have mechanisms by which someone can be forced to leave but have never needed to use them. Ie our tenancy agreements forbid for example violent or aggressive behaviour, harassment, illegal activity including the making and supplying of drugs etc. Much the same as any tenancy agreement would. So technically we can evict anyone who breaches the terms of their tenancy.

Everyone has to agree on any new people moving in, which means it can take ages for everyone to make up their minds and sometimes one person does get the final say if everyone else is happy but they're not. And that can be difficult but the people who call this home have to be 100% happy with whoever else moves in so that's just how it is.

Regarding CRB checks... no. And I get that this wouldn't be acceptable for a lot of people. We have to operate on trust to some degree in life. I've made the choice that this level of risk is acceptable to me. The level to which I safeguard my own DC is a level I'm happy with.

We don't advertise. It's word of mouth! And realistically it is only people who have a foot in the door by knowing us already who end up moving in. It's absolutely not an open door policy.

We cook and eat for ourselves but have a dinner noticeboard in the living room where we write down any communal meals we plan to make and people tick if they want to eat them so we know how many to cook for. So right now I can see that I'm cooking a roast for 9 of us tonight and on Tuesday someone else is making curry for almost everyone. It's ad hoc but I like that more than I'd like a full on rota system.

Do you have anyone living there who is an "introvert"? How do they get on?

Would you/do you try to promote this style of living through social media?
For example, near(ish) to me there’s a communial living house and they’ve agreed to some articles etc which are very interesting to read.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2012/aug/17/housing-co-op-the-drive-living-collectively

Isn’t this just a big flatshare? Same as you might have had at uni or early career, only some of you have kids too, and the house itself is a bit bigger.

If you’ve flat-shared before, in what way is this any different?

It sounds like a an affordable way to live in a nice house rather than a Co-,op. I know someone (well a family) who did this and it was more of a commune in the sense that the house was a democratic operation, each family had a turn cooking everyday for everyone, children were homeschooled together (home educating was one of the criteria for joining)

do you have any kind of signal for someone who might need private time? So like within a family, it might be that everyone knows "don't disturb Pills if she's reading in the study" - do you have to explicitly state that? Do people respect it?

I used to have a flatmate who could only give me 5 mins alone when I got home from work. I tried telling her I needed more but she found any excuse to knock on my door. I'm wondering how that's handled in a commune.

@freeofpills yes going in their room and shutting the door! Generally nobody will disturb you unless it's important.

Shamelessly place making. Such an interesting thread! Never heard of communal living before!

I used to live in a communal village in America. I really miss it.

@pianothirty I've never lived in a flat share, I didn't go to university as I was in care as a teenager and a street drinker by 16. Spent 3 years mostly living rough before I got pregnant with my now teenager and was housed, first in temporary accomodation then moved into a private rental. I moved 6 times in 5 years before coming here. There are things that drive me to utter rage about living with other people quite frequently but it is STILL better than what our alternative would be. I'm building our security on human relationships rather than financial means which is a very different way to approach life but to me it feels safer and more secure

@discotits (what a name ) we don't really get involved in any publicity or promotion. We pretty much all want a quiet life with plenty of cups of tea! We are all involved with various political or activism type stuff but in a very low key way these days. So we are doing work on lots of local stuff like the drive to make our nearest town plastic free and the local Transition group (working towards a post oil society) for example. We have the odd party (I guess most people would probably call it a rave not a party, there is a sound system etc) but again in a fairly low key manner. We try hard not to draw too much attention to ourselves tbh. We got rid of the website years ago because we got fed up of people thinking they could just turn up for a nose around or even with their bags for a surprise visit

How much do you pay for rent each? Who actually owns the house?
How do you divide food/electricity etc costs

Reading with interest. It all sounds amazing.

What is the reason people move out?
Do they end up buying or renting “conventionally” or do they move to a different commune?

Do you think your setup has inspired other people to start their own communes.

I know you don’t want to out yourself, but where would you go for information about the legalities/ practicalities of setting one up?

Is there a shared belief that you all have? How long did it operate before you moved in?

Unanswered questions!

Reasons people have moved out since I've lived here have been...

• Wanted to live with their boyfriend but nobody else wanted him to move in
• Went to university on the other side of the country
• Had enough of sharing a kitchen
• Health issues that made rural living untenable even with community support
• Couple split up and one moved out (this has happened twice)

Who bought the house and how ?
I understand the rent bit but someone bought it for it to be rented

Are you all very extrovert?

(I’m pretty introverted and find it hard living with a husband and two kids - have to hide sometimes! - so I find the whole idea of 16 people pretty horrific.)