I’m your husband/partner. Ask me anything.

[SimonBridges]

You might have questions like ‘why do you actually walk past the dishwasher and put dirty stuff on the side?’ Or ‘why do you need to spend 20 minutes having a shit before emptying the bin?’

I have neither a husband nor a partner so this is a surprise!

Why do you think you know how to manage the England football team when the last time you played football you were 9 ?

Can I borrow your Germaloids?

Why is it "never the right time" for us to think about moving in together or getting engaged/married?
It's been 7 years and I'm almost ready to cut my losses...

Would you mind sleeping in the spare bed tonight? I'm too hot and if you sore I have pmt and will keep "accidently " waking you up.

Why do you literally never answer anyone's texts? Your mum texts me every few days to check you're still alive

Why do you tell me every thought in your head? Why do you think I care?

Why do you find it amusing to hit me over the head with empty fizzy drinks bottles and cardboard tubes while making donk noises?

Why do you think you know how to manage the England football team when the last time you played football you were 9 ?

Well I know loads. They just need to ask me. I’d manage the shit out off the team.

Can I borrow your Germaloids?
Do you even need to ask?

Why is it "never the right time" for us to think about moving in together or getting engaged/married?

Shush. I’m busy watching this advert.

Would you mind sleeping in the spare bed tonight? I'm too hot and if you sore I have pmt and will keep "accidently " waking you up.

I find that if I can’t sleep then waking my wife up to tell her helps a lot.

Why do you literally never answer anyone's texts? Your mum texts me every few days to check you're still alive

Too busy wanking.

Why do you tell me every thought in your head? Why do you think I care?

Of course you care. It’s better than the dull as shit stuff you go on about like the children or emptying the bins.

Why do you find it amusing to hit me over the head with empty fizzy drinks bottles and cardboard tubes while making donk noises?

Because I am the gigglemeister. In other words tedious cunt.

Anyway, I’m very busy having a shit right now to avoid putting on the dishwasher, which means it won’t have finished before bedtime.
If my wife puts it on then I’ll complain that I was about to do it.

Do you really not mind that I'm 4 stone heavier than when we met or are you secretly wishing I wasn't fat!

Can you make me a snack.
Thanks

Do you really not mind that I'm 4 stone heavier than when we met or are you secretly wishing I wasn't fat!

Not in the slightest. I’m not really a twat.

Can you make me a snack?

No, I’m off to spend another 20 minutes having a shit.

Why do you leave a trail of detritus in your wake across the whole house? One dirty sock on the landing, sweet wrappers on the chair arm, dirty butter knife on top of the dishwasher, milk bottle lid on the side, receipts in a pile on the bedside table... who do you think picks these things up?

How do you manage to make me feel like the bad guy when I ask you to pick up after yourself?

Why do you leave a trail of detritus in your wake across the whole house? One dirty sock on the landing, sweet wrappers on the chair arm, dirty butter knife on top of the dishwasher, milk bottle lid on the side, receipts in a pile on the bedside table... who do you think picks these things up?

Like the toilet roll, the beshitted toilet and the towel, I don’t pick it up because if I leave it long enough it vanishes.

Mrs Bridges collects it all up in a box every so often.

why are you a moody bastard and dont provide for your kids?

why are you a moody bastard and dont provide for your kids?

That is easy. I’m a massive cunt.

*Can you make me a snack?

No, I’m off to spend another 20 minutes having a shit*

Pfttt see this is why I'm single