I’m your husband/partner. Ask me anything.

[SimonBridges]

You might have questions like ‘why do you actually walk past the dishwasher and put dirty stuff on the side?’ Or ‘why do you need to spend 20 minutes having a shit before emptying the bin?’

Where are you? I keep dating but I haven't found you yet. Please give me a clue!

why can't you do anything helpful without me asking you to do it every bloody time?
And why do you bang on about the one time you made me a baked potatoe, as if it was a three course meal?! I said thanks,what do you want a medal?

Why do you leave one plate in the cold washing up water?

Why do you put the loo roll the wrong way round?
Why do you emty the dishwasher and put things on top of the worktops not in the bleeding cupboards?
Why do you binge watch (currently on Breaking Bad Series 5 Episode 15) Honestly if Walt doesn't die soon, I'll kill him
Why do you speed through the theme tune to Game of Thrones and not let me pretend I'm playing the cello?

Why does your bottom lip hang out the minute I say ‘can you do..’

why can't you do anything helpful without me asking you to do it every bloody time?
Because then I wouldn’t be able to say you were a nag. Anyway I was going to do it, I just needed to have a shit/ have a wank/ watch this programme I’m not really interested in/ play this computer game/ adjust some shit on the tv first.

Why do you leave one plate in the cold washing up water?
Mind games.

When will you learn to hang up towels after your shower?

Why do you put the loo roll the wrong way round?
You put it the wrong way round. Anyway, be grateful I do it at all.
Why do you emty the dishwasher and put things on top of the worktops not in the bleeding cupboards?
They like the view. Anyway, I’m emptying the dishwasher aren’t I?
Why do you binge watch (currently on Breaking Bad Series 5 Episode 15) Honestly if Walt doesn't die soon, I'll kill him
Because I like it.
Why do you speed through the theme tune to Game of Thrones and not let me pretend I'm playing the cello?
Because I’m a dick.

Your teenage children are working out what a wanker you are. Are you going to stop now?

Why does your bottom lip hang out the minute I say ‘can you do..’

Why are you giving me orders?

When will you learn to hang up towels after your shower?
When you stop picking them up after me.

Your teenage children are working out what a wanker you are. Are you going to stop now?

Nope.

Why is it that when I ask if you want some chocolate from the shop and you say no you then proceed to eat mine!! WHY NOT JUST SAY YES I DO WANT SOME CHOCOLATE FROM THE SHOP!!!

Are you proud of that shit that took 4 flushes to get rid of? 😂😂

Why do you drink so much and claim that it's not too much? Why do you say one thing, then do another, then claim there's no conflict? Why do you say something then claim you meant the exact opposite in tour head?!

Living with you is a mindfuck.

Why oh why do you watch TV with your hand tucked down the top of your trousers?
Why do you need to rearrange your genitals when wearing perfectly good under-crackers and trousers?

Are you proud of that shit that took 4 flushes to get rid of?

Clearly you don't have a shit knife- that was an old MN favourite.

Why is it that when I ask if you want some chocolate from the shop and you say no you then proceed to eat mine!! WHY NOT JUST SAY YES I DO WANT SOME CHOCOLATE FROM THE SHOP!!!

Your partner is a woman and therefore I will say it’s because if I said I actually wanted chocolate then it would go against my diet. Your chocolate has no calories.

@pendinginvoices
As I was stood over the toilet willing the bobbing shit to actually disappear I thought about the good old trusty mn shit knife.
Either that or fishing it out and reinserting it in DH. My poor toilet doesn't need that kind of abuse 😂

Are you proud of that shit that took 4 flushes to get rid of?

Too fucking right. You paraded your babies around the place. This was much harder work.

Why do you drink so much and claim that it's not too much? Why do you say one thing, then do another, then claim there's no conflict? Why do you say something then claim you meant the exact opposite in tour head?!

Because, as Danny Dyer would say, I’m a twat.

Why do you keep spending more money than you make? The least you could do is make sure you are well dressed seeing as you are hell bent on bankrupting us but no I don't even get that, all the expensive clothes you buy don't even bloody match!

Why do you put my bras on your head.

Why oh why do you watch TV with your hand tucked down the top of your trousers?
Why do you need to rearrange your genitals when wearing perfectly good under-crackers and trousers?

Because if I stop touching my dick I might forget I had one.