My formerly estranged brother has transitioned and wants back in mine and my mother’s lives.

I don't think any had gone at the time I went to bed last night. The one this morning is the first that has gone missing that I hadn't read before it did, and I saw nothing offensive in any of the previous, now-deleted ones, most but not all of which seem to have been by Roomview, who now does not appear as a poster in advanced search. Has someone taken against that poster, or was it a pbp, or something?

OP
My brother came out as trans many years ago. Here are some things I learnt.

1. For you this is a process too. You are allowed to do this in any way you wish. These are YOUR feelings and they are honest. Never feel like you have to present they in 'the right way', 'an appropriate way' or in 'suitable language'. Your feelings are yours. You are not a bloody performing sea lion to a crowd. Do not try to please others because this has consequences to your own mental health and self esteem. You are ALLOWED to 'get it wrong' or to 'make mistakes'. Or even say it's a bunch of cobblers and Im not playing along because this affects me too. You matter.

2. Behaviour. Rule 101. Never accept behaviour you wouldn't tolerate from a sibling if they weren't trans. Equality is about treating everyone the same. If you are giving a free pass to be a dick to you or other family members because of their identity this is not ok. Trans is not an excuse you should be allowed to hide behind.

This comes back to point 1) about mistakes. If you are making mistakes and you are emotionally abused or punished for mistakes, this is coercive and controlling behaviour. Recognise it as abusive. If you are making what you regard to be mistakes and your intention isn't to be malicious, then you are not being horrid and someone has no rights to be horrid to you for it. They should be giving you the benefit of the doubt because it's a process for you too. You can't instantly switch your past off.

3. On that note remember it is your past. YOUR past. No one else has the right to erase your lived experience and identity because they say so. Identity isn't an individual thing - identity is formed on an individual level but identity is also relational. Our family group is a core part of our identity and identity formation. We have Identities as part of multiple groups - with the family being the one most important in your formative years. Later on you identify with other women and other groups such as friends and hobby groups etc. And they all matter to your identity. You can't just have this rewritten to suit someone else.

The way I explain it: You grew up in a family with your Mum who was mother to a boy and a girl and had this experience. Not as a mother of two daughters and no son. You grew up in a family with a brother not a sister. When someone asked you "do you have any brothers and sisters?" They are asking to identify with you. They are looking for shared experiences. If you grew up with a brother, you need to continue to say that because that's your experience they are looking to reflect on. You did not grow up with a sister. You can not share relational experiences with someone else who had a sister because that wasn't your experience. Your identity and lived experience matters

4. Guilt. You feel responsibility. You feel you should be 'doing it right'. You feel if you don't, then somehow you have failed or somehow you are a bad person. Let go of that. NOW. There is no right or wrong here. This isn't for anyone else to judge.

5. Siblings rivalries and tensions and a history of toxic behaviour pre-existing a transition do not magically evaporate due to transition. Transition merely shifts power dynamics towards the person who is trans. In relationships which were previously unhealthy and toxic, this only inflames a situation. Efforts to try and heal don't work for this reason - they are one sided against the people who are now bending over backwards to try and appease someone with a track record of being toxic. All you do is open the door to allow more toxic behaviour with someone you have given more power and control to.

6. Whatever you do, it may never be enough. This was a lesson I learnt quickly. And it became apparent that in my case this was about jealousy because I was the daughter he could never be. The way he weaponised my mother was dreadful. She would say to me, "I know his behaviour is awful, but you need to just put up with it". No. No I don't. And my mother's defence of his behaviour cost her years of my life and that of my son's because I was not going to let her do that to either of us. My brother wanted to punish me for being the girl. So anything I did would not met with his approval m he was seeking my mother's attention and part of that was to deliberately hurt me in the process.

7. You don't have to play ball. This doesn't mean you are transphobic. It means you don't want to deal with the family drama and the bullshit. This is ok. Your priority is your own kids and family as they need your protection from the drama.

It is very rarely about pronouns and sex/gender. It is usually about family dynamics and power and control issues.

You are not obliged to do anything here. You should not feel guilty about it. Your own feelings matter. You should no live in fear of what he 'might' do because of his mental health. You are allowed to prioritise your own mental health.

Look up FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt.

Don't get sucked into the trans thing because in your nuclear family it's got fuck all to do with sex / gender. Have boundaries about what you will accept and what you are not. If that's not ok to him, then it's fine but it's really not your problem to resolve.

How would we know whether she does or doesn't? Reactions are private between the reactor and the person being reacted to.

Is there any reason to think that she won't? She has responded a fair bit during the thread.

Excellent and generous post *RedToothBrush, that needs to be a pinned post or article somewhere.

@RedToothBrush please look out for a PM...

I don’t see that he wants to forge a relationship with @Rimding at all. All he’s done is basically say to his mum he wants to be friendly with her. The Op said he wasn’t drama seeking generally. So I’d presume that he doesn’t actually want a relationship but rather just not drama. So I see zero need for any kind of boundary chat as just unnecessary drama potential

The only thing we know for sure. He wants attention. He's walked back to his mum because Mums are a reliable provider of attention.

And there is nothing to say he is avoiding and not wanting drama.

Indeed I'd go as far as to say this: Someone who is a source of drama rarely has a personality bypass and becomes someone who doesn't create drama.

Trans is something of a red herring in these family dynamics. Identity is an irrelevance really, and is just a mask for an underlying issue. The problem with trans isn't identity it's the balance of power in a relationship. It tends to change the behaviour of different parties because of the change in power dynamics. It doesn't change the core of who people are. A power dynamic that shifts away from women generally is not one that is good for the women in the dynamic though.

At the funeral he didn’t even approach the OP.
and the OP says he isn’t one for drama

so the combination of above led me to believe he is not drama seeking in this instance

He’s never been a dramatic person, very conflict averse.

so my only point is - I don’t think he’s going to be pursuing a relationship with the Op. All he has done is mention to his mum he wants to be friendly ie no arguing and drama

hmmm, 1 persons ‘friendly’ cannot always be relied on to be the same as another’s even if they are siblings 🤨

I agree. He sounds unpleasant

but… as it stands the Op describes him as not drama seeking and conflict adverse. Added to which, he’s made zero contact with the Op and didn’t even approach during the funeral.

So Face value, he may, like the Op, have zero desire to be close enough that boundaries would even be an issue