My formerly estranged brother has transitioned and wants back in mine and my mother’s lives.

There's a theme on here that if a trans person does something then it's automatically nefarious. It's utterly barmy.

I don't understand where the compromising your beliefs comes into it. If you had not been estranged and your sibling had come out as trans, presumably it would not have been a reason for you to estrange yourself(?)

If it would not have, then surely the civil relationship that the two of your can find has the same characteristics as it would have had, were you not estranged. So, presumably, you would ignore the matter, treat each other with some distance and keep the focus on other things.

If you are so anti your siblings transition that it would have estranged you regardless, then there should be no consideration of reestablishing a relationship.

And we only had it for about seven weeks and that was months or even years ago!

His transition is totally irrelevant.

The fact is this is a person with whom you already had little contact because of his behaviour in the past.

He's got back in touch, fine, but you don't need to build a relationship if you don't want to.

I'd be basically polite and civil for the sake of family gatherings, but if he's behaved as badly as you say I personally wouldn't be building any kind of relationship with him outwith weddings / funerals / birthday parties.

Tbh, I can never stay on these types of threads for too long. There's always just so much dumbness, stated with great zeal and self-satisfaction lol.

There's a huge body of knowledge about trans issues out there, from people who actually have advanced education and experience with it.

So, what I don't understand is why so many people who do not know anything about an issue think that they do? This applies to many other issues as well, of course. I'll never understand it. Or maybe I do. Here's a quote I read somewhere and always remembered, though I don't know who it's from:

"Many people are stupid. Once you realize this, the world begins to make sense."

Ha. It's so true, yes? Unfollowing now. Yikes.

I don't have personal experience of this but I know in your situation id feel exactly the same...

I agree with other pps that maybe somehow you can support your mum - but without getting involved directly with your brother, and definitely not involving your children.
Beat of luck Op. Awful situation to be in.

@roomview well said

Sanctimonious tripe.

If you don't get on with her and she doesn't apologise for having upset you, I don't see why you should get in touch.

But shutting someone out of your life because you can't see her as a normal human being who's just being honest about who she is? That's just ignorant.

Your 'beliefs' won't stop her being trans, and your kids deserve far better. You ought to be careful, as they're far more likely to be accepting of normal human diversity and your words could seriously backfire on you.

Just treat her as an individual - someone you either want to see or don't - but don't base it on hating the minority she belongs to. Your children are likely to be shocked, your sister will dismiss you as hateful and your mum will be horribly upset. Why do that? It's utterly pointless.

I assume, after your dad had died?

So he picked off all the minor relatives one by one, so he had them all be-kinding your mum, and now he is expecting her to lean on you to be kind. Because of thevpower of social pressure.

It is the trans movement in microcosm - pressure the not-that-interested relatives into acceptance, in order to pressure mum, and then bully the hold-outs (you) with numbers

Regardless of her actual reason for not wanting to see this estranged sibling, which OP has been absolutely clear was because of callous previous behaviour by that sibling, if she doesn't now fall on the neck of the person she has avoided for years for good and sufficient reason, she will be branded transphobic by that sibling and possibly by other members of her family whom she has heretofore had no reason to wish to avoid and with whom she has never fallen out.

This is a real risk, and will be caused entirely by the sibling if it happens.

The lecture she has been treated to on this thread is a sample of the way such people react to any dissent from their beliefs.

I don’t know how to approach a discussion with him re his new identity and my personal beliefs and boundaries. I am not going to lie to my children and say he’s their Auntie or use his frankly ridiculous new name. I will not describe him or his female partner as lesbians.

Well as he's your estranged brother who you don't much like, you don't need to pander to him. If it were a colleague or your own child it might be trickier, but this is quite straightforward. No-one can sack you or haul you up in front of some HR panel or a social worker or something for refusing to 'respect' or acknowledge his gender identity.

Continue to call him by his original name and treat him as you always did. Don't invite a discussion about it, but if he forces one then simply say 'I respect your right to dress and present as you like, however I am not going to lie to my children and pretend you are now their auntie. You are not a woman and I will not pretend that you are. You are a straight man with a straight female partner and you are both being disrespectful to genuine lesbians by calling yourself lesbians. These are my personal beliefs and boundaries I will not bend them to suit you. If you want to rekindle a relationship with me in full knowledge of how I feel then let's do it. If you expect me to put my beliefs and deeply held principles aside in order to indulge you and in order to have a relationship with you, then no, I won't be doing that.

It's up to you. Take it or leave it.

He was so bad before you became estranged. Its unlikely in the extreme this new circumstance will have improved him or made him easier to tolerate. Staying estranged seems the wisest move.

Nothing you do or say will be enough, unfortunately. You have to accept that anything you say can be twisted so it is presented as incivility.

Grey rock is your best course, honestly.