Heellp my 14 year old daughter says she wants to socially transition

The Safe Schools Alliance have some really good resources. This page in particular about the school complaints process may be helpful and it may be useful to bear in mind the school's policy on complaints in any communication you have with the school.

https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/2021/04/16/how-to-complain-to-your-childs-school/

I agree with everything @dougalfromthemagicroundabout says.

I would follow up your meeting with an email to HOY and Head teacher and Governors and register a formal complaint, ask for the school’s safeguarding team to investigate the possibility of grooming at their LGTB club - A whole group of friends socially transitioning at the same time is extremely implausible.

Ask the school to consider suspending the club until the investigation is complete and the safety or otherwise of what is being discussed in this club is established.

I would also confirm you deny permission for the social transition of your dd and would pursue legal action if this was done over your head / by consent of abusive non-resident parent. Point out again that autistic traits are often masked as gender confusion, and your dd’s autism is highly relevant. Finally ask the school not to make you the “bad guy” and to ensure your dd is told her request for social transition needs careful evaluation by the school’s pastoral team.

Particularly if she has experienced trauma and a level of uncertainty what she needs more than anything else is real firm boundaries to help her feel safe and secure but she's going to push those boundaries and see where they break.

Just take a very simple and hard line, "No, you are a child. You can make those sorts of decisions when you are 18 and an adult".

I hold that line on everything that includes body modification including piercings, do I really give a fuck if my 14 year old decided to go and get her ears pierced, no I do not. But that hard line means there is no wriggle room. If she decides on her 18th birthday to go and get piercings and tattoos and anything else so be it but I see my job as getting her to adult hood in one piece, what she does from there is her call, it gives her a hard boundary which she likes deep down.

It sounds as if it's possible this teacher has groomed these poor girls. It seems wildly unlikely that a group of girls all go to a club and then all suddenly find their real inner gender identity., all of them, at the same time.

Let's not forget it's meant to be a tiny proportion of the population who are genuinely gender questioning. From the sound of it these girls alone would be a huge overrepresentation in terms of their year group. I would be making this point to the school and asking about what has been said and done at the club and whether the SLT have oversight.

Have you spoken to the parents of the other girls? I know at secondary you don't always know parents well, but if you do, it may be worth finding out what they know about what's been going on at this club.

If they go with the non resident, abusive parent's 'consent' against the resident, non-abusive parent's consent that would also be a safeguarding failure. I would hope they're not idiotic enough to do this.

They need to do what's in your child's best interests in light of Cass and the government guidance, NOT what the teachers want to impose nor what your child says they want.

It's funny how when children want to transition so many teachers are all for it, despite Cass, but when children say they find school hard and don't want to attend, suddenly they don't want to just do whatever the child says.

Wtf is a teacher doing running a trans club in a school ,
Posters on his walls
Who in the school authorized that
I'd be challenging that for a start
School is for education,not indoctrination

How difficult OP. The first challenge is the school massively overreaching - they are literally gaslighting children and enabling social contagion. That needs to be addressed to remind them of their legal responsibilities to safeguard children - not persuading them that they can change sex and that social transitioning is the first step.

The school are behaving appallingly and have no qualifications in sex change for children. But quite rightly, your first priority is your child.
There's a poster on here @BonfireLady who has successfully challenged her child's school for behaving in an equally unprofessional manner. Below is a link to her most recent thread as well as a link to the DfE draft guidelines which spell out the professional responsibilities schools have to safeguard children from adults persuading them they're the wrong sex.

Here's a link to the DfE draft guidelines:
https://consult.education.gov.uk/equalities-political-impartiality-anti-bullying-team/gender-questioning-children-proposed-guidance/supporting_documents/Gender%20Questioning%20Children%20%20nonstatutory%20guidance.pdf

BonfireLady's most recent thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5087175-starting-a-conversation-in-schools-this-pride-month

Maybe have a read of these and come back and ask questions? There's a wealth of expertise on this board.

Here's a bit from When Kids Say They're Trans (it's quoted in an online review of the book):

“So, is your child trans? If you mean does your child have an innate, untestable, inner quality that requires him or her to undergo social or medical transition to survive and thrive, the answer, we believe, is no. On the other hand, your child’s gender-related distress is likely real and acutely felt"

I think that sounds like a rational and compassionate approach.

Could you read When Kids Say They're Trans, by Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano, and Stella O'Malley, who have 3 lifetimes of experience in working with gender-questioning children & their families.

Also, go through the back episodes of Sasha Ayad and Stella O'Malley's podcast, Gender: A Wider Lens, to see f there is advice via podcasts. Stephanie Winn's podcast, So you're Some Kind of Therapist, might also be helpful.

Be aware that social transition is not a neutral act, according to paediatric expert, Professor Hilary Cass, who led the Cass Review on care for children who think they're trans. And that you can say "No."

While I think a lot of sunnyday's 'explain it to me' plan sounds sensible, I disagree with making 'changes to clothes and hair' part of the discussion. That ties superficial appearance firmly to the gender box - which is entirely the wrong message.

At 14 she should have complete freedom over clothes and hair (within the bounds of school rules and general decency) and that should not be limited by her sex or gender.

The school holidays are coming up. Try to get the school in a holding pattern until then. There doesn't need to be any sudden changes now

This all sounds really difficult for you. I would suggest not shutting her down and being really negative about it, as she’ll likely see you as the enemy and will shut down and you’ll loose lines of communication. I’d say you don’t have much information about the topic (even if you do) and ask if she wouldn’t mind explaining some of it to you, so she feels in control and will talk - just listen. Then suggest doing some research together over the next month and write a big list of benefits (so she doesn’t think you’re being judgmental/ blocking her) and negatives. And then tell her once she’s had a month ‘cooling off’ and done the research you’ll concede to some of it, if she wants. Maybe a bit of time to think plus the negatives will put her off. If not, I’d allow changes to clothes and hair (easily reversible) and hope that in time she goes off the idea. If you don’t allow it she’ll likely just do it anyway without your consent. I’d keep reminding her that you love her whatever and she can be whatever she wants to be (eg sports activities / jobs / interests), regardless of gender. Given some of her other challenges I’d seek therapy too (with someone specialised in this area).

There were draft guidelines on Gender Questionibg Children issued to schools in December 23 that recommends educators should adopt a ‘cautious approach’ and should not 'proactively initiate action towards a child's social transition'. So my first step would be to ask what they are doing to implement those guidelines and what are they doing to determine if they have a social contagion event with so many girls who are friends stating their desire to transition at the same time.