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Original poster

AIBU to ask friends for support during severe health flare-ups?

321 replies

Endo33 · 17/09/2026 11:13

Would I be unreasonable to send some of my family members a message along these lines?

For context (I wouldn't include all this in the message) I have a chronic health condition. Am mostly okay/in remission but sometimes the pain is excruciating and during a flare I don't really think clearly...I need to rest, recuperate and take pain killers, someone to soothe me, but am usually in a state of paralysis fighting tears. I need someone to take charge and tell me /give me the impression they've got this.
My parents live nearby but don't really get the severity of it, don't like to see me like that and therefore don't really take charge and step forward, though they would look after my son and keep the house tidy they largely need me hiding in my room not visibly showing my distress. My partner is likewise - and would even say things like "don't cry so loud the neighbours can hear" rather than comfort me/sit me down/soothe me/get me painkillers/take me to the doctor's. We're separated, in large for this reason.

I don't want this post to be about what I should do with my partner or parents. I have banged on that door for a long time and it's not really worked out.

I have realised that although they don't help, I need someone to take charge. I have friends who could, but all assume my partner / parents have got it in hand. I need some way of letting them know I need them.

"Hi, as you may know I have a chronic health condition which is mainly in remission but occasionally leaves me in excruciating pain. I'm working on this - both trying to reduce triggers and finding medicine that works. In the meantime, when I am in a flare, I need someone to come over and take charge...tell me to rest, recuperate, reassure me I'll be okay, make me take meds and drink water etc. Would you be able to be one on a list of people I can text SOS to if I'm in that position?"

If you have any other ideas please let me know. I'm honestly at a loss and so scared at the lack of support around me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:00

TooMuchRedMaybe · 18/09/2026 09:52

It sounds codependent, and that's toxic.

Can you explain how please?

An example...when my mum has a miscarriage my aunt came round for a couple of weeks to help look after the house and comfort her. She had space to grieve and process and heal physically and didn't have to worry about anything else. Equally my dad could grieve and process as he didn't need to take over what my mum normally does to keep the house going. After those weeks she went home. We never needed her help again. But it was so helpful during that time

I really can't see why that is toxic?

OP posts:
IronEverything · 18/09/2026 10:16

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:00

Can you explain how please?

An example...when my mum has a miscarriage my aunt came round for a couple of weeks to help look after the house and comfort her. She had space to grieve and process and heal physically and didn't have to worry about anything else. Equally my dad could grieve and process as he didn't need to take over what my mum normally does to keep the house going. After those weeks she went home. We never needed her help again. But it was so helpful during that time

I really can't see why that is toxic?

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I think you've fabricated some sort of different reality in your mind.

Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:18

IronEverything · 18/09/2026 10:16

I think you've fabricated some sort of different reality in your mind.

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Right, so when I make a valid point instead of answering my question you just say I've fabricated it?

OP posts:
Blueshape · 18/09/2026 10:20

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:00

Can you explain how please?

An example...when my mum has a miscarriage my aunt came round for a couple of weeks to help look after the house and comfort her. She had space to grieve and process and heal physically and didn't have to worry about anything else. Equally my dad could grieve and process as he didn't need to take over what my mum normally does to keep the house going. After those weeks she went home. We never needed her help again. But it was so helpful during that time

I really can't see why that is toxic?

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That's exactly the practical support you're dismissing.

Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:22

Blueshape · 18/09/2026 10:20

That's exactly the practical support you're dismissing.

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The difference being there was emotional comfort....

OP posts:
Batsratscatsgnats · 18/09/2026 10:24

Im sorry OP but im actually wondering if there is something going on with your mental health over and above the chronic pain from the endo. I think you should consider speaking to your GP

Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:26

Batsratscatsgnats · 18/09/2026 10:24

Im sorry OP but im actually wondering if there is something going on with your mental health over and above the chronic pain from the endo. I think you should consider speaking to your GP

Can you explain why?

OP posts:
Throwmoneyatit · 18/09/2026 10:27

Aw, you poor thing. If you were my friend I'd definitely come and help you! I'm guessing it's just someone there to help bring your feelings and emotions down a little. Of course a good friend would do that!
I'd be more honest in my message though. Tell them that you really struggle, your family are shit in this situation and if it flares up, could someone be on hand to come and sit with you and talk you back down, to allow you to chill out and get back on top of painkillers.

Sending hugs x

MsPrufrockk · 18/09/2026 10:30

Endo33 · 17/09/2026 19:49

We're still married but separated. What term should I be using?

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Your ex if you're no longer together, even if you are still married. Talking about your 'partner' not helping is making everyone even more confused about why you're asking friends to come round and stroke your hair etc when you've got someone with you who is supposed to be doing that sort of thing.

Batsratscatsgnats · 18/09/2026 10:31

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:26

Can you explain why?

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Im not trying to be unkind but you seem to be so unusually needy. There seems like there might be something more going on here.

Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:34

MsPrufrockk · 18/09/2026 10:30

Your ex if you're no longer together, even if you are still married. Talking about your 'partner' not helping is making everyone even more confused about why you're asking friends to come round and stroke your hair etc when you've got someone with you who is supposed to be doing that sort of thing.

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Okay

OP posts:
MsPrufrockk · 18/09/2026 10:35

Endo33 · 17/09/2026 21:08

Where do single people get their support from though? Not everyone is partnered up.

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I'm a single parent and I look after myself in terms of knowing to eat, stay hydrated, have early nights etc. I do have the support of family and friends when I need it, but I haven't had to send out a round robin email specifying the amount and type of support I need.

I'm not sure whether you have unreasonable expectations of how other people should support you, or if the people around you aren't at supportive so you feel you have no option but to put it in writing?

Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:36

Batsratscatsgnats · 18/09/2026 10:31

Im not trying to be unkind but you seem to be so unusually needy. There seems like there might be something more going on here.

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Sure, thanks. I think I'm just realising/grieving the loss of community. When my parents were my age they had a lot more support around them. We all keep talking about how different things are and everyone being busy in their own lives but it's the first time I've understood what that really means. I mean, it seems so far fetched that my mum had some actual support when she had a miscarriage that a PP thought I'd fabricated the whole thing! It's sad and the first time it's hit me how different life is here/now. But I'll get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:37

Throwmoneyatit · 18/09/2026 10:27

Aw, you poor thing. If you were my friend I'd definitely come and help you! I'm guessing it's just someone there to help bring your feelings and emotions down a little. Of course a good friend would do that!
I'd be more honest in my message though. Tell them that you really struggle, your family are shit in this situation and if it flares up, could someone be on hand to come and sit with you and talk you back down, to allow you to chill out and get back on top of painkillers.

Sending hugs x

Thank you so much for this xx

OP posts:
RosaNovella · 18/09/2026 10:38

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 09:38

I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to live in the world you describe, where we'd have left my aunt's and uncles alone to deal with their stuff because they are adults. Our culture seemed much more wholesome

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What world have I described ?

If Im in pain/ ill I dont send dramatic text messages to friends

RosaNovella · 18/09/2026 10:43

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:00

Can you explain how please?

An example...when my mum has a miscarriage my aunt came round for a couple of weeks to help look after the house and comfort her. She had space to grieve and process and heal physically and didn't have to worry about anything else. Equally my dad could grieve and process as he didn't need to take over what my mum normally does to keep the house going. After those weeks she went home. We never needed her help again. But it was so helpful during that time

I really can't see why that is toxic?

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Theres nothing wrong with that kind of support if its welcomed

You are describing needing someone to tell you to drink/ take meds as if you are an infant
Its a learned helplessness

JontyGentooey · 18/09/2026 10:49

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 09:45

I've answered this already. Everyone would play a role according to their skill. My parents always took the practical role and still do. But other people who had a good bedside manner would take the hand holding role, or attend hospital appointments, etc. Other people would look after the little kids. Other people would organise food deliveries etc. The person ill just had to focus on recovery as everything was taken care of. There was a community around them.

PP says I had a toxic childhood but I don't see why that's toxic?

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OP you need to let go of how society functioned a generation or two ago. Things were unrecognisably different, families lived closer to each other, people had kids younger so the grandparents were younger and perhaps more hands on. Very common for households to have a stay at home parent. The world just isn't like that anymore, everyone has to work (I personally know of one family with a SAHM, because they're loaded) and most people are running at 100 mph. Everyone is juggling logistics during school holidays trying to find childcare or use annual leave, covering kids sick days, families are way more scattered, grandparents are older and might need looking after as well, etc etc. I mean this kindly but I just wouldn't have the bandwidth in my week to support a friend on the level you seem to be expecting.

My point is that life is totally different now. I'm not sure it's helpful to tell yourself well 30 years ago this happened and everyone pulled together. It's not doing you any favours.

Your parents are already providing support, but you still seem annoyed at them that it isn't enough. Is that not a bit unfair on them? How old are they?

Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:53

JontyGentooey · 18/09/2026 10:49

OP you need to let go of how society functioned a generation or two ago. Things were unrecognisably different, families lived closer to each other, people had kids younger so the grandparents were younger and perhaps more hands on. Very common for households to have a stay at home parent. The world just isn't like that anymore, everyone has to work (I personally know of one family with a SAHM, because they're loaded) and most people are running at 100 mph. Everyone is juggling logistics during school holidays trying to find childcare or use annual leave, covering kids sick days, families are way more scattered, grandparents are older and might need looking after as well, etc etc. I mean this kindly but I just wouldn't have the bandwidth in my week to support a friend on the level you seem to be expecting.

My point is that life is totally different now. I'm not sure it's helpful to tell yourself well 30 years ago this happened and everyone pulled together. It's not doing you any favours.

Your parents are already providing support, but you still seem annoyed at them that it isn't enough. Is that not a bit unfair on them? How old are they?

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I'm not annoyed at them it isn't enough. I'm annoyed that no-one is readily available as a shoulder to cry on, and that adults don't have the luxury to collapse just for a moment even when their life changes completely.

And I totally get what you're saying. This thread has helped me realise the reasons why I had certain unconscious expectations and the reason why they won't be met. I'll process that and be fine in a few days. Thanks so much for bringing it out.

OP posts:
Random321 · 18/09/2026 10:53

An endo flare up isn't an emergency.

Blueshape · 18/09/2026 10:58

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:53

I'm not annoyed at them it isn't enough. I'm annoyed that no-one is readily available as a shoulder to cry on, and that adults don't have the luxury to collapse just for a moment even when their life changes completely.

And I totally get what you're saying. This thread has helped me realise the reasons why I had certain unconscious expectations and the reason why they won't be met. I'll process that and be fine in a few days. Thanks so much for bringing it out.

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I think people are available for a shoulder to cry on. I have a nunber of people I could call and say I'm having a terrible day do you have time to come over for a coffee, and people I'd be happy, even flattered, to do that for.

If they asked me to go over and soothe them, I'd think they were off their rocker, and I might be walking into some weird cult like arrangement.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 18/09/2026 10:58

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:00

Can you explain how please?

An example...when my mum has a miscarriage my aunt came round for a couple of weeks to help look after the house and comfort her. She had space to grieve and process and heal physically and didn't have to worry about anything else. Equally my dad could grieve and process as he didn't need to take over what my mum normally does to keep the house going. After those weeks she went home. We never needed her help again. But it was so helpful during that time

I really can't see why that is toxic?

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It's toxic codependency because the way you want others to sacrifice their time/comfort/mental capacity for a friend is exessive.

I think you come from a background where that is expected, but not necessarily because you want to do it but because it's what your parents expected from you. Most other people wouldn't just set up camp at someone else's home for 2 weeks because they had a miscarriage. It's like you think that it's somehow noble to self-sacrifice to that extent and that's why you are disappointed and confused when other people don't do that for you. You feel responsible for other peoples feelings and you have been taught that it's your job to make them feel better.

RosaNovella · 18/09/2026 11:02

TooMuchRedMaybe · 18/09/2026 10:58

It's toxic codependency because the way you want others to sacrifice their time/comfort/mental capacity for a friend is exessive.

I think you come from a background where that is expected, but not necessarily because you want to do it but because it's what your parents expected from you. Most other people wouldn't just set up camp at someone else's home for 2 weeks because they had a miscarriage. It's like you think that it's somehow noble to self-sacrifice to that extent and that's why you are disappointed and confused when other people don't do that for you. You feel responsible for other peoples feelings and you have been taught that it's your job to make them feel better.

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Agree
However @Endo33 has had years of therapy and still repeating the same patterns
Also this type of thread asking for explanations in a helpless way is part of that so Im out

Original poster
Endo33 · 18/09/2026 11:08

RosaNovella · 18/09/2026 11:02

Agree
However @Endo33 has had years of therapy and still repeating the same patterns
Also this type of thread asking for explanations in a helpless way is part of that so Im out

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My therapist has spent years telling me that I need to ask for more help actually rather than this. Again, from my culture rather than a British therapist. Maybe that's where the gap is

OP posts:
IronEverything · 18/09/2026 11:12

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 11:08

My therapist has spent years telling me that I need to ask for more help actually rather than this. Again, from my culture rather than a British therapist. Maybe that's where the gap is

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Just sack the bloody therapist!!

Postjurywoes · 18/09/2026 11:24

Endo33 · 18/09/2026 10:00

Can you explain how please?

An example...when my mum has a miscarriage my aunt came round for a couple of weeks to help look after the house and comfort her. She had space to grieve and process and heal physically and didn't have to worry about anything else. Equally my dad could grieve and process as he didn't need to take over what my mum normally does to keep the house going. After those weeks she went home. We never needed her help again. But it was so helpful during that time

I really can't see why that is toxic?

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But why as an adult do they need another adult to take care of the house and to comfort them, especially after a miscarriage, I have had 4, and yes I was upset, but not physically unable to look after my house and heal physically.....

Sorry, you are being dramatic and needy and quite frankly you need to get a grip

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