How do I accept my mum cannot offer more support?

All of our parents are dead so we never had any support ever. It was particularly hard supporting DH through cancer treatment when DS was a toddler and I felt torn in two a lot of the time as both needed my attention.

I understand feeling envious of others and feeling a bit sorry for yourself when other mums talk about their parents babysitting so they can have a night out or when they have somewhere to visit at Christmas, but dwelling on these negative emotions is a real drain of your energy and ultimately pointless.

Learn to accept and focus on your reality, not some fake Disney style happy family.

You’ve not even got kids yet so use this time to nurture and make lots of good friends. Good Friends are the people who stepped up and were there for us when we really needed help. They’re far more important in the long run.

What a nasty post. The OP is not asking for a Disney mum, she's missing the maternal figure she never had.

As for the OP not being the daughter her mother wanted – the difference is that children don't choose to come into the world and it's not their responsibility to fulfil their parents' wishes, but parents are responsible for loving and caring for their children, because children are helpless. And as a previous poster said, you are a parent from cradle to grave.

Suggesting that the OP did something to deserve being shunned by her mother is frankly disgusting.

And, OP: you have shit parents. I am so very sorry. But it's not your fault. And, as other people have said, you need to let go of that yearning and focus on people who will love and support you. You can even find older women who can play a more motherly role with you, if that's what you need. And try to go back to therapy when you can – many therapists have a sliding scale.

My sister and I very much depend on each for this role of emergency contact. I know 100% that she will be there for me in an emergency and she’s stepped up every time, as I have for her. She’s the only person I know I can depend on 100% and we are very much bonded by the mutual trauma of being raised by parents that just didn’t care and were unable to show any form of consistency.

Oh, you poor love. The pain in that last line is palpable. Virtual hug to you. 💐
I don't know what else to tell you. You've spent 2k doing the work but the mother wound is still omnipresent.
I have issues with both of mine. I accept the same as you that logically they are who they are. It still hurts me though. I went LC with mine. Got fed up of being told they loved me warts and all 😬 but never walking the walk.
But it has affected absolutely my own relationships and my ability to parent well, if I am being very honest with myself. I guess that I am trying to save you from the They fuck you up your mum and dad poem becoming true for you too. I should have done more therapy before having mine. Or maybe not been a mum. I genuinely don't know anymore. I hope you are as okay as you can be and things turn out better for you.
All the best to you x

More therapy for you and not asking her for anything is and sadly lowering your expectations is probably the best way to protect yourself.
Are you and your sister close ?

Sorry, I didn’t read all the way to the end.
There is a therapy called EMDR. It’s for trauma or possibly what you are experiencing from your Mum.
What you want from here is totally normal. Please know that.
But she maybe can’t or won’t give it. Maybe she is autistic herself.

In the kindest way, I don't think it is usual to suddenly acquire a mother figure as an adult.

Given your sister is autistic, I wonder if your mum is too?

My mother had a shit mum. She was a very good mum herself. But she struggled if I rebelled even slightly (I was a dream teenager really) because she saw it as a rejection. She was very very sensitive to rejection in any form. And tried to re-create this fantasy relationship with me, which often made life hard for me. Given that we are very different people.

The only person who can let go of this expectation is you. She probably doesn't want to re-do her time as a mum. I think she realises that saying that she didn't want to be a mum ever, would be too hurtful, hence her comments on what she would do the second time around. It sounds like she fell in with societal expectations and your dad's and had children. And truly struggled. This means it is unlikely she's going to be a very involved grandmother.

Have you spoken to a therapist at all? I wonder if talking through your feelings with someone who isn't emotionally involved might help? Ultimately you can't make your Mum be the Mum you want. She's the way she is, and isn't going to change. She wasn't hands on with you and your sister, so she's not going to be with her grandchildren.

Unfortunately, not all women who have children, should have been a Mum. Sadly, your Mum is one of those women. She's too selfish and self-centred to put her own wants before the needs of her children.

Going forward, you aren't going to be able to rely on your Mum for any support or childcare. She's simply not interested. I know it's hard, but that's the reality that you and your sister find yourselves in.

Do you mean your mum is autistic, or are you just referring to your sister here?

I do have sympathy for you as I was in a similar situation when I had my DD - my mum was in a care home at that point due to illness (despite being quite young - she was in her late 60s), so I did not have that motherly support and was envious of other new mums who did. My mum had been ill for a few years before going into the care home, so our relationship had already changed as she couldn’t be a ‘mother’ anymore. We had moved away from my home town so even if she had been well, the distance would have stopped the day to day help.

DH’s parents also lived a distance away so while they were interested and involved, could not be hands on. We managed, but it was hard at times on a practical level (when we were both ill, for example). I agree that you will need to be quite robust in terms of planning for children - reliable childcare, jobs with flexible working to help around nursery drop offs and pickups, thinking ahead to school days and a school with wraparound care, accepting that you and your DH will have limited time together for some years.

Like a previous poster, I do have some sympathy with your mother, who didn’t want children, was persuaded to have them by your dad, who then wasn’t around to raise them. That has clearly affected her ability to bond with you, especially if she had PND. While that won’t help how you feel, perhaps you can understand why she was the kind of mother that she was.

It's tough for you OP particularly when you see others around you with lovely supportive mums who actually seem to want to be doing that support role. But you can't change her and she doesn't want to change so (easier said than done) you need to try and forget about your longing that she would suddenly become the mum you want her to be.

My mum is similar. She's not horrible to us but if I and my children fell off the face of the earth one day I don't know if she'd actually notice. I know "no one is entitled" to grandparental help but it still came as a real shock because as a child my sister and I spent so much time with our grandparents as kids sometimes for a week at a time. They were fun and loving and we had a great time with them and they seemed to enjoy it too. So I kind of assumed my mum would be that sort of grandma too. But she never has been! She liked the idea of having grandchildren but only at arms length.

The original post was very grown up: it was self aware, realistic / pragmatic and modest.

Who are you tell people with difficult childhoods to grow up?

@floofsss In which case you have to accept it at face value. She was forced to have children and bring them up. And then abandoned by the man who made her promises. That doesn't make it easier for you to accept her childhood but it makes her to me an object of huge sympathy. I wanted to be a mother and found it tough and there have been many times I've questioned whether it was the right choice. And like a lot of my friends, we would do it again, but if we didn't have children, we can now see we would also be fine. It's a taboo thing to say, but I adore my children, but I can also imagine a parallel track of a life without them.

Motherhood clearly didn't bring her joy, absolutely devastating though that is for you. In a different era/world she could have chosen to remain childless. Maintaining a cordial but distant relationship with your mum would be honouring her wishes. See her as a slightly prickly odd friend you have the occasional coffee with. I know this sounds flippant and is easier said than done. But you are going to have to accept what she has been telling you by her words and deeds. You cannot make her into someone she never wanted to be.

All you can do is be conscious of what that means for your parenting and your life with your baby moving forward.

Im sorry @floofsss. This is so hurtful for you. If you weren't such a nice person, it wouldn't bother you. Ive got no advice for you, except to send you a hug.

Jesus @Nearly50omg. Your username is so far off your reality. You sound about 10.

Move near your sister and be each others support

mourn for the mum you never had , she sounds awful

I have felt a similar lack of a mother figure. Occasionally she tries but it’s odd and strained. She has consistently prioritised her own life. My children are now in their teens and I don’t have the answers but here are some things that have helped over the years:

• reminding myself that I cannot change this and it’s okay to feel sad about that
• developing a strong network of other new mothers. Sometimes this can make it worse because you hear about their more positive mother/daughter relationships but overall it helps.
• finding supportive older female friends
• Realising that others (who to me may appear to have family relationships I don’t have) have other challenges
• working out what types of interaction are most successful for us rather than trying to force the ones I want. This has changed over the years but with teenage children it’s currently going out for a meal with my mum and her partner.

Having a supportive and understanding partner is vital. And it’s great that you seem to have a good relationship with his mum even if she’s some distance away.

You may decide it's easier to have no relationship at all than a disappointing one that can never be as you want.
There are other ways to find support and connection.

It is definitely possible to have maternal figures in your life who are not your mother. If you look for older and kind women to nurture relationships with this may help a bit OP. It can’t replace the mother you deserved to have but don’t have but it can potentially give you some of what you long for. It is hard and having a child of your own will probably throw even more into relief what mothering is supposed to be like and how much your mother failed to fulfill the role. Sending you a big hug.

She was not forced. She chose to have children even though she did not want them.