How do I accept my mum cannot offer more support?

I think we all, deep down, want our mum, it’s very normal. I feel for you, @floofsss but many of us simply don’t have the mother we’d have preferred. It’s incredibly difficult to accept that your mum basically didn’t want you: did you tackle abandonment issues in therapy as effectively this is what she did? I have severe mum envy when I see my aunt with her dc. She was fortunately in my life throughout my childhood. My mum thinks she gave us the same upbringing but is delusional was mostly disinterested/absent/prioritised alcohol.

You say you plan on having a child, but is this really what you want? Without being mean, do you want to ‘show’ your mum what a good parent looks like?

Your not entitled at all it’s so sad what your feeling!
but if she couldn’t nurture you when you where a little girl, or forming teen years don’t let her take your head space any longer she doesn’t deserve it.
your about to be a mum and can do all the things for your baby that you really needed in your mum.
my mum passed away before I had my children but she would have been wonderful, every day I try my best to be half the mum she was to me for my little ones

I get you. My parents were hands off. I don't think I really knew any different till I was older. It was when you went to other people's houses you realised how little input they had! My dad worked a lot and did virtually nothing to help. My mum was essentially a single working mum with a very high level of Job. All the home stuff fell on her and tbh I think she was just so exhausted. My dad just thought his role was to make money. But there was no one there for us and we always felt like a burden if we went to them with problems.

now I have kids of my own and they do try a bit. But its never going to be that wholesome image you think grandparents are meant to be. They will quite happily come to visit and watch tv and read the paper - not interacting with the kids. I don't get it but at the same time I sort of accept it. I've sort of learnt to accept them and know what to expect. For example my mum is not going to be the one who watches a baby when I'm out or does hands on childcare. But she is good at practical things like- ahe set up premium bonds for them for example and she helped me choose a buggy. Also I have to say i can see now as a mum how exhausted she must've been growing up and how my dads lack of help must have impacted her. So I can see why she was probably burnt out. So there is that alongside the natural way she is.

so yabu. It is sad that you feel that you were not your mum's priority. That's a tough pill to swallow. But save yourself further anguish and don't expect her to change. Accept what she can do. Even if that's just buying clothes!

You might also get help from Home start or Family Action.
But please again, think carefully, no rush.
If there is any weakness in your relationship at all, don't do this yet. It cannot be undone.
Even the strongest of relationships can fracture with the stress of it all.
Finally, autism has a genetic component so do be aware of that too.
Huge hugs
Xx

The OP's sister, father and MIL all live in a different country/abroad.

OP, you can make some connections in mother-baby groups/NCR group but please don't rely on it. Some groups are better than others. Some mums more forthcoming.

Is your partner completely onboard? That is the crux as he'll be secondary caregiver and your main source of support in the first two months.
Sleep deprivation wall usually hits around 6 weeks, harder if ebf.

You need to take your folic acid now if TTC.
Book onto an NCT group when pregnant.
There's also an adopt a granny scheme but that isn't practical support for you and the baby. It's more a half hour zoom call you do to stop the person in the care home feeling lonely. That said, they could give practical advice and it may stop you feeling the loss.
"Adopt a Grandparent - Care England" www.careengland.org.uk/adopt-a-grandparent/

You aren't going to get it from her and please don't hurt yourself trying. Pick a husband with a nice mum, and be very clear to her you want and need her involved.
If you're already married, start talking to your MIL. Find out how much she'll be involved, you might be pleasantly surprised. If not, an aunt? Friend?
Remember, many women don't have the schmaltzy bond with their mum as a perfect grandmother when they give birth, and we don't need it. We just have to make the best of what we have-please don't let this woman hurt you again. Pushing out a baby doesn't make you a mum, and there's lots like her.

What a disgusting and cruel post. You have obviously had an empathy by-pass to write such mean things to and about OP.

OP just wants a mum that would give just a tiny shit about her and any children she might have. She's certainly not fantasising about have a Disney mum.

You are my least favourite kind of poster, the sort that seems to relish kicking the OP when they are down. Your final sentence about OP not being the daughter that her mum would have wanted is particularly awful. I can't imagine the mind-set of someone that would write that and then post it.

She was not forced. She chose to have children even though she did not want them.

It is definitely possible to have maternal figures in your life who are not your mother. If you look for older and kind women to nurture relationships with this may help a bit OP. It can’t replace the mother you deserved to have but don’t have but it can potentially give you some of what you long for. It is hard and having a child of your own will probably throw even more into relief what mothering is supposed to be like and how much your mother failed to fulfill the role. Sending you a big hug.

You may decide it's easier to have no relationship at all than a disappointing one that can never be as you want.
There are other ways to find support and connection.

I have felt a similar lack of a mother figure. Occasionally she tries but it’s odd and strained. She has consistently prioritised her own life. My children are now in their teens and I don’t have the answers but here are some things that have helped over the years:

• reminding myself that I cannot change this and it’s okay to feel sad about that
• developing a strong network of other new mothers. Sometimes this can make it worse because you hear about their more positive mother/daughter relationships but overall it helps.
• finding supportive older female friends
• Realising that others (who to me may appear to have family relationships I don’t have) have other challenges
• working out what types of interaction are most successful for us rather than trying to force the ones I want. This has changed over the years but with teenage children it’s currently going out for a meal with my mum and her partner.

Having a supportive and understanding partner is vital. And it’s great that you seem to have a good relationship with his mum even if she’s some distance away.

Move near your sister and be each others support

mourn for the mum you never had , she sounds awful

Jesus @Nearly50omg. Your username is so far off your reality. You sound about 10.

Im sorry @floofsss. This is so hurtful for you. If you weren't such a nice person, it wouldn't bother you. Ive got no advice for you, except to send you a hug.

@floofsss In which case you have to accept it at face value. She was forced to have children and bring them up. And then abandoned by the man who made her promises. That doesn't make it easier for you to accept her childhood but it makes her to me an object of huge sympathy. I wanted to be a mother and found it tough and there have been many times I've questioned whether it was the right choice. And like a lot of my friends, we would do it again, but if we didn't have children, we can now see we would also be fine. It's a taboo thing to say, but I adore my children, but I can also imagine a parallel track of a life without them.

Motherhood clearly didn't bring her joy, absolutely devastating though that is for you. In a different era/world she could have chosen to remain childless. Maintaining a cordial but distant relationship with your mum would be honouring her wishes. See her as a slightly prickly odd friend you have the occasional coffee with. I know this sounds flippant and is easier said than done. But you are going to have to accept what she has been telling you by her words and deeds. You cannot make her into someone she never wanted to be.

All you can do is be conscious of what that means for your parenting and your life with your baby moving forward.

The original post was very grown up: it was self aware, realistic / pragmatic and modest.

Who are you tell people with difficult childhoods to grow up?

It's tough for you OP particularly when you see others around you with lovely supportive mums who actually seem to want to be doing that support role. But you can't change her and she doesn't want to change so (easier said than done) you need to try and forget about your longing that she would suddenly become the mum you want her to be.

My mum is similar. She's not horrible to us but if I and my children fell off the face of the earth one day I don't know if she'd actually notice. I know "no one is entitled" to grandparental help but it still came as a real shock because as a child my sister and I spent so much time with our grandparents as kids sometimes for a week at a time. They were fun and loving and we had a great time with them and they seemed to enjoy it too. So I kind of assumed my mum would be that sort of grandma too. But she never has been! She liked the idea of having grandchildren but only at arms length.

Do you mean your mum is autistic, or are you just referring to your sister here?

I do have sympathy for you as I was in a similar situation when I had my DD - my mum was in a care home at that point due to illness (despite being quite young - she was in her late 60s), so I did not have that motherly support and was envious of other new mums who did. My mum had been ill for a few years before going into the care home, so our relationship had already changed as she couldn’t be a ‘mother’ anymore. We had moved away from my home town so even if she had been well, the distance would have stopped the day to day help.

DH’s parents also lived a distance away so while they were interested and involved, could not be hands on. We managed, but it was hard at times on a practical level (when we were both ill, for example). I agree that you will need to be quite robust in terms of planning for children - reliable childcare, jobs with flexible working to help around nursery drop offs and pickups, thinking ahead to school days and a school with wraparound care, accepting that you and your DH will have limited time together for some years.

Like a previous poster, I do have some sympathy with your mother, who didn’t want children, was persuaded to have them by your dad, who then wasn’t around to raise them. That has clearly affected her ability to bond with you, especially if she had PND. While that won’t help how you feel, perhaps you can understand why she was the kind of mother that she was.

Have you spoken to a therapist at all? I wonder if talking through your feelings with someone who isn't emotionally involved might help? Ultimately you can't make your Mum be the Mum you want. She's the way she is, and isn't going to change. She wasn't hands on with you and your sister, so she's not going to be with her grandchildren.

Unfortunately, not all women who have children, should have been a Mum. Sadly, your Mum is one of those women. She's too selfish and self-centred to put her own wants before the needs of her children.

Going forward, you aren't going to be able to rely on your Mum for any support or childcare. She's simply not interested. I know it's hard, but that's the reality that you and your sister find yourselves in.