How do I accept my mum cannot offer more support?

I don't think you sound entitled whatsoever. But for your own wellbeing continue being realistic about how your mother will respond during your pregnancy and once baby is born.

What you do have the ability to do is change the future experience of your child(ren).

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. That’s not nice for you, but you need to make peace with it as it’s outside of your control. Do you not have more ire for your dad? - he seems the worse of the two, made/forced/asked her to bear his child then did none of the parenting leaving the parent who made it clear beforehand she didn’t want to do it?

She is never going to change. Sorry.

Words are cheap. Look at her actions. She is not going to do a complete about-turn and become the loving mum or grandmother you need and would love to have, so any hope you have will be in vain.

OP, I would really encourage you finding a therapist locally and having some counselling. You need to make peace with the fact you can’t change her, and that’s a really difficult thing to do. Having a therapeutic space to unpick and process that will do future you a lot of good rather than going through your life holding this longing and resentment.

I think that you have to accept that this is the way she is going to be and adjust your expectations that the relationship is going to be like catching up with a old neighbor or workmate. Someone who knows your past etc and that you have history with but is not someone that you can count on for anything more than a brief catchup.

I’d see a therapist, and decide how much contact you can manage.

But whatever her words are saying, her actions are telling you how she’ll be. Prepare for that. My mum is dead and I had no issues with that, it’s been a long time, and it’s still been bizarrely upsetting seeing my antenatal and mum friends get loads of support, and often moan about their mums, when we get nothing. That sounds a lot more bitter written down, and that’s not how it feels - I just feel a big sense of loss that I don’t have someone looking out for me, and guilt that my children don’t have that relationship. My eldest is four and is on first name terms with many of his close friend’s grandparents. It’s likely to be something that confronts you so you need to have fully dealt with it before you’re pregnant.

Agree with this.

OP I am so sorry you didnt have the mum you deserved.

I have found radical acceptance to be helpful- accept the fact she isnt a supportive mother and dont fight against it because you wont change her. The worst thing you could do now is to expect that she will finally change and then be plunged back into bitter rejection when she doesnt step up (again).

She isnt capable of helping you and it's absolutely not your fault. Dont have any expectations of her and seek support from the people in your life you know are happy to be there for you.

@floofsss sorry to say but you have to let go of the dream of an involved mum. Keep your distance or you will constantly be hurt by her. Sending hugs x i I've been there and in end I just kept my distance for my own sake

OP you want your mum to change, but she won't. She is who she is and that's who she's always been - selfish, avoidant, disappointing - and if you keep hoping for something else from her all that will lead to will be upset and disappointment. I think the best thing you can do is accept that this is who she is, she isn't going to change and, unfortunately, she will never be the mother you want her to be

If you have a good relationship with your sister you can hopefully be each others support system and family. I know distance can make it harder but just knowing there's someone who's in your camp and cares makes such a difference.

I saw my friend have very little engagement from her parents. It wasn't that she wanted or needed childcare but they wouldn't even come over for a cuppa .......she lived 15 mins walk away. All the while they'd be taking day trips across the country. Once each kid (they had three) turned 16 they completely disengaged. It was so weird. Her dad has gone off with another woman now but her mum isn't any closer to kids.

How well do you get on with your MIL?

Where is you dad, is he still alive or in the picture. As he is the one who has the instance for children can he be hands on and caring.

she sounds like someone who recognised she doesn’t have the capacity to be a good mum. It’s not worth setting yourself up for disappointment she is who she is. What she said is bluster about redoing life from a young age not who she is now set in her ways.

build a caring community through friends and chosen family. I don’t think your mum will be capable of what you want unfortunately

She is never, ever going to change. Even if she becomes grandmother of the year, you’ll still sit there wondering why the fuck couldn’t she do that for me?

I would strongly recommend counselling now and especially if you are lucky enough to get pregnant.

My mum is a fundamentally crap one - everyone but her children were more interesting, and we also suffered through her serious mental health issues - and I’ve had to work hard to hold 2 truths: she didn’t have it in her to be any better, and I also had a shit childhood and I deserved better. That is REALLY hard to do without an impartial listening ear from a therapist.

I think you have to learn how to parent yourself. Be incredibly kind to yourself, nurture and love yourself. And be at peace that your mother cannot and will not give you the love you would like. Make peace with it. I didn't have that kind of mother, and in my 20s and 30s would have loved a mother to go shopping with, afternoon tea with, that I saw my friends in warm and loving relationships. I would like to have had a mother to have fun with. But she was critical and could only cope with a viery distant relationship. I did without her, coped on my own, and it was difficult. Perhaps because I didn't learn how to love myself until only recently. i wish I had chosen a better husband (we are divirced), and valued myself more highly. However, I was lucky enough to have a daughter, who is now 18, and we have fun together. We are close and happy, and she is the better version of me. We make each other laugh, and even though I am exhausted from doing it all on my own, I have loved every second of it. Also, she was the first person who just loved me. She didn't want me to change, didn't want another mother, liked me from the first moment for who I was, and that was remarkable. And I just got on with that. I told her I loved her, I shower her with compliments, I do everything my mother didn't do. I also am looking forward to the future and being in her life. Be at peace with your mother not being the one you deserve and want. And please be good to yourself xxx PS my mother is now dead. It never got any better, and I think now that she really wasn't able for the emotional demands of a mother and daughter relationship. Oh well. Her loss.

Truth?
Do not TTC if you feel remotely that you cannot do it alone.
Because you are going to be doing it on your own and boy, is it tough.
You will also be triggered by her emotional absence, once you have your own.
She has made it clear she is maternally ambivalent.
Nothing you can do will change that.
I'd also seek some counselling before you have your own baby. I wish I had.
Sorry to be so blunt but she's shown you who she is. You can only grieve what you didn't have and yes, it sucks.
It may be you have a DP or MIL that can help fill the gap but I still think if you are as vulnerable and fragile as you sound then a baby can wait a while.
I mean that constructively not to make you further down about the situation.
Good luck lovely 🍀

Ah, just read full thread.
You cannot afford any more therapy.
With kindness, how can you afford a baby? They are more £££ and you have to have your head straight first, not to end up in a worse position (PND, PTSD, broke, low, you name it).
Also your secondary support - MIL, dad - not available to you.
That leaves the family you made for yourself - your DP, friends and sister. Did you help her out? Will she be able to return that help?
Is your DP onboard? Has he got secure attachment himself? (Anxious/Avoidant is hell, that's why I'm probing).
Please tread carefully. Make peace with it all before it gets real xx

If you don’t think you can raise this baby without help, or you don’t trust your own ‘village’-building capacity to acquire that help, especially if money is tight, then I think you need to think carefully about having a child. Wanting to be ‘looked after’ suggests you’ve not come to terms with the mother you actually have. Don’t imagine everyone has nurturing mothers, either. I certainly didn’t. Neither did most of my friends. We’ve all (eventually) come to terms with it, and parented very differently. I’ve become the mother I would have liked to have for my own son.

I know this may seem entitled.
No, I don't think it does. It's completely normal to want a proper family where you can rely on your parents for things. And where they can rely on you, too. That's what families are and do.

How do I let go of this unrealistic expectation?
By accepting that your mother just isn't maternal, and that mothering was never her calling or her interest. She did the best she could with what she had, but now that you're adults she probably sees this season of her life as a time where she can live a bit more authetically according to her own wants and needs. It's understandable from her perspective, but I also understand why it makes you feel bad. I personally think it's shitty to bring kids into the world if you're not willing to be a parent from cradle to grave. Of course parenting changes its nature once kids reach adulthood and have families of their own, but I don't think it's right to completely check out of family life when you have chosen to birth children.

My mum is also healing from a trauma and has been in a bad way mentally for my whole life.
So this is another thing you need to tell yourself. Even if she wanted to be there for you more, she's just not in a place to be the mother you're yearning for. She clearly wants low effort from you, so stop pouring all of your energy into her. Do you have other family relations you could nurture instead? You mentioned siblings - how's your relationship with them? Spend more time with them, if you can, and you could all help and support each other the way your mother can't.

How about good friends? Friends are amazing to have, so...if there's anybody you're close to, nurture that relation more. Basically, "invest" your energy and efforts where you're likely to see a "yield" - in form of love, support and care.

You need to grow up and realise everyone is different and accept your mum as she is. Stop fantasising about having a Disney mum. They very often don’t exist and you have no idea what your mum went through when you were children - she could have had un treated post natal depression for all you know and then your dad being away so much would have made her mental health even worse!!
id recommend having mindfulness sessions with meditation with a psychologist and look forward rather than back as that gets you nowhere!! Look at the positives in life rather than the negatives or you will just be miserable and wishing away your life🤷‍♀️
appreciate you have a mum. Yes she isn’t the mum you’d have requested on an order but you may not be the daughter she wanted - has that ever occurred to you?